In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004,
the organisers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary
and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional
balaclava.The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Manchester
athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles: car bonnets, hedges, gardens,fences
walls etc
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause
the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event.
The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round
competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or
Securicor-style wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15
pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea
when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy
from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the
clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, sniffing
glue,joyriding and arson.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge into the ship canal. Any
survivors will be awarded medals.
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
And finally, the slogan...
Manchester: where having fun's as easy as buying a gun.