The Duke Family Inheritance OR It starts with a hummingbird

           Bo and Luke Duke were screaming down the back roads of Hazzard with Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane following close behind them, his siren blaring and his dog, Flash, barking and panting with his head hanging out the window
           "Ain't it 'bout time you lost him cuz?" asked Luke from the passenger seat
           "I'm getting there," Bo replied indignantly.
           "I think Roscoe's been practising," Luke said "It's takin' you longer and longer to ditch him. Then again," he laughed, "Maybe your just gettin' worse."
           "Cute," was his younger cousin's only reply.
           Suddenly, Bo wrenched the wheel to the left, throwing Luke into the passenger side door as he turned off the little-used back road onto an even less used back road. Roscoe didn't quite make the turn, but he sure did try. The Dukes left him with his front end stuck in the ditch and his back wheels spinning in the air. They could see him shaking his fist at them.
           "Well you sure ditched him," said Luke.
           "I hope he's all right" said Bo. With that, the boys headed back home to the Duke farm.

           Back at the farm, Daisy was hanging clothes out on the line. It was her day off but she still had work to do around the house.   "It's a good thing Uncle Jesse can cook," she muttered "Cause Bo and Luke sure don't do their share of the housework around here." She was grumbling about being left to do the cleaning while the boys were out goofing off. Now, what Daisy says sure ain't the gospel truth folks. Bo and Luke do do their share of washing dishes and cleaning the house, but Daisy still felt she was called on far too often to deal with the housework. This sentiment was sure gonna get her in a whole whack a' trouble this time.
           The boys drove in and all her anger toward them dissolved. How could she stay mad at those two?
           "Hey Bo, Luke," she called out. "Uncle Jesse's got lunch on."
           After lunch, Bo and Luke went to deliver a load of goat cheese to Grannie Annie on the other side of town.
           Just as they were returning, who should appear behind them but Roscoe P. Coltrane, in his deputy's car. He had his lights on and his siren ringing almost before the General had passed the newly erected cow crossing sign on the old Fort Road, with the cows patiently standing beside the road, waiting to cross.
           "Well this is a new one," Luke commented
           "That dang Roscoe," said Bo, "anything to write a ticket." On a moment's thought, he added "Is it even illegal to block a cow's path across the road?"
           "Probably will be by the time he catches us," replied Luke.
           "You mean if he catches us," said Bo as he turned sharply onto a meadow and headed towards the river.
            They drove up the old washed out bridge and became airborne. The sunlight glinted of the finely polished paint of the General Lee, making the Rebel flag on the roof seem to fly. "Yee-Haw!" Bo cried as the General flew across the river. They landed on the other side perfectly, the front tires touched down first, followed by the back ones. Neither the front nor the back of the car hit the ground and the shocks worked great cause there sure wasn't much jarring.
           Roscoe followed the Dukes up the ramp of the washed out bridge and became airborne. He flew over the river, but seemed to stop in mid-air. Then, the patrol car fell straight down like a rock and splashed into the water.
           "Good job cuz." Luke said as he stuck his hand out the window to wave at Roscoe as he floated down the river in his patrol car. Suddenly, one of those coincidences that only happen in Hazzard, happened. A low flying hummingbird, attracted by the bright orange paint of the General Lee, flew into Luke's pinkie finger, impaling it on its long, sharp beak.
           "What the, Oh my God!" cried Luke as he looked at the struggling bird stuck to his finger.
           "Cuz, didn't Uncle Jesse teach you better than to take the Lord's name in vain?" Bo said as he drove off and headed for home. He was almost to the main road before he looked over at Luke. "Oh my God!" he exclaimed as he saw the hummingbird's beak protruding from the other side of his cousin's finger. "I think I'm gonna be sick," Bo said as he slowly went from pale to green.
           "You think you're gonna be sick," Luke exclaimed, "look at this thing!" he continued hysterically as he held the bird up to Bo's face.
           If it was at all possible, Bo turned even greener. He quickly looked away and turned the car towards town and Doctor Appleby's office.
           When they neared the office, Bo slowed down greatly to about 60km/hr and threw the General into a perfect, sliding parallel park in front of the doctor's office.
           Bo climbed out, with a little bit of his colour restored and went around the help out Luke. He stopped at once when he saw the struggling, frightened little creature trying to fly away with Luke's finger. The initial greenish tinge returned and suddenly Luke was left to fend for himself against the menacing terror as Bo headed for the rose bushes in front of the doctor's house.
           Luckily, Dr. Appleby had heard the distinctive roar of the General's engine and knew that one of the Duke boys had gotten himself into yet another fix. As he came down from the step, he spied the hummingbird dangling from Luke's finger and exclaimed "Oh my God!" then proceeded to join Bo in the rose bushes. His nurse, Hilda, without a moment's hesitation, helped Luke into the doctor's office, with a twinkle of laugher in her eye as she glanced at Bo and the doctor bent down, examining Mrs. Appleby's prize roses.
           With a slightly pale complexion, the doctor soon joined Hilda and Luke in the examination room. Bo followed him into the house but refused to enter the room where Luke and the slightly enraged hummingbird were waiting.
           The doctor very quickly yanked the bird beak from the finger, to which Luke responded with a yell. The hummingbird, fortunately, was unharmed. Luke was not. The doctor handed the bird through the door to Bo, who took the perturbed creature and threw it out the window, where it landed directly in the rose bush.
          Luke had a hole in his finger and it was swollen larger than a cow with bloat. The doctor cleaned the wound, bandaged it, and since he was already in his clutches, decided to give Luke his annual physical and flu shots (though Luke had contracted the flu three years running). The doctor told Luke to remove his shirt and gasped in shock, but then nodded in approval at the forest of chest hair that had filled Luke' chest since his last annual.
           "Just like your Uncle Jesse" he simply said as he placed his cold stethoscope on Luke's chest. "Dear God boy, I can almost hear it grow!" he said. "You been eatin' blackroot?"
            Luke just looked at him funny, slightly embarrassed with all the attention directed towards his upper torso and a little zoned out because of the painkillers.
           "Well boy," the doctor said, "you're fine for another year. I'll just give you your shots and then you send your cousin Bo on in."
           Bo, who has been listening by the door since Luke's scream, attempted a graceful getaway, but was stopped by Hilda, the nurse. Luke came out just in time to see Hilda tackle Bo, throw him over her shoulder and physically carry him into the doctor's office. Luke waited out in the General, not wanting to hear Bo's cries of protest as the doctor threatened him with needles.
           A couple of minutes later, Bo came bursting out of the doctor's office, pulling on his shirt as he ran. He flew headfirst across the hood of the General Lee and flopped onto his back on the other side. He quickly jumped up and hopped into the driver's seat. They took off just as Hilda appeared, waving the flu needle in the air like a torch. As it would turn out, neither Luke nor Bo would catch the flu that year...

           When they were safely out of the doctor's reach, the boys pulled over onto a side road and stopped. Luke called Uncle Jesse on the radio to tell him they were going to be a little later, while Bo laughed himself into hysterical tears at Luke's brush with death and his own narrow escape from the pointy horrors that haunted his dreams. Luke decided to drive home.

           At the farm, Uncle Jesse got off the CB from talking to Luke and shook his head at yet another of the boy's unexplainably strange, but quite true, predicaments.

           After a good night's sleep, which was occasionally punctuated by the outcries of two boys, one screaming in pain, the other in terror, everybody felt fine (except for the throbbing pain in Luke's finger and the paranoia the crept up on Bo every year around flu season).
           Bo had started to do the dishes, with Luke supervising from the kitchen table. Bo was trying to tell Uncle Jesse about their adventure from the previous day but he kept laughing and the dishes kept slipping from his fingers and breaking on the floor, causing him to laugh even more. Uncle Jesse kicked them both out of the house and told them to give someone else a headache.
           Daisy came out of the house in time to see Bo and Luke take off in the General and the thoughts of yesterday morning came back. She entered the kitchen, about to take up the subject with Uncle Jesse and found him sweeping up broken dishes. Once again her negative feelings dissolved and she helped Uncle Jesse clean up the mess.
           The boys had returned to Dr. Appleby's for a check up on Luke's finger. Bo was sitting in the General, refusing to accompany Luke into the doctor's office. As Hilda appeared behind Luke on the step, Bo took off, leaving Luke stranded.
           Bo didn't go far, just around the corner to await Luke's emergence from Appleby's hall of horrors.
           Meanwhile, Daisy was once again hanging laundry, muttering about the amount of laundry Bo and Luke went through in the course of a day. She heard the phone ring but ignored it, knowing Uncle Jesse was there to answer it. When Daisy re-entered the house, Uncle Jesse was still on the phone and his words made her stop.
           He was saying "Yep, that's the old Duke inheritance, Luke's almost got the whole thing, but Bo's sure catching up to him." After a pause, Uncle Jesse added "I just hope Daisy don't get it."
            Daisy was shocked, then angered. She realised that the only way to get this inheritance, whatever it was, would be to get rid of the competition. Slowly, an idea formed in her head. She'd prove to Uncle Jesse that she was more worthy of the Duke inheritance than her cousins.
           The boys return home was miraculously free of trouble of the Roscoe kind. Luke went inside to lie down because he was still a little groggy from the painkillers, and Bo went out to wash the mud off the General Lee. He came running in when he heard Luke's scream of terror.
           "Th-th-th-that bird!" Stuttered Luke.
           "What bird?" asked his cousin.
           "That one!" screamed Luke as he pointed to the hummingbird hovering behind Bo. Bo turned and screamed, then fell onto Luke on the couch. Uncle Jesse came running in but by that time, the bird had disappeared.
           The boys were unable to convince Uncle Jesse that the bird had been there. He blamed their hallucinations on stress and sent them both to bed. Neither one got much sleep, and by suppertime they were still tired, cranky and a little paranoid. The family ate in silence and everyone went to bed early.
           Daisy entered her room and began to giggle like a schoolgirl. She quickly felt under her bed to make sure that the fake hummingbird on a stick was still safely hidden. She went to sleep with a smile dancing across her face.
           The boys were awake most of the night and when they did sleep, a bouncing hummingbird haunted their dreams.
           The next day, Bo and Luke were too frightened to venture outside so the wood didn't get cut. Daisy was quite upset by this, as her next surprise was hidden under the pile of logs.
           Uncle Jesse, a little upset himself about the boys' paranoia, decided to cut the wood himself. When he came into the house, he decided to show the boys his new lucky feather that he had found in the woodpile. Their response was a little disappointing.
           Bo screamed, and Luke stood in front trying to protect his little cousin while saying in a shaky voice "That ain't no luck feather Uncle Jesse."
           "But look," Uncle Jesse said, "it's a pretty green hummingbird feather. Granted, it's got a little red paint on it, but once I clean it off . . . " Uncle Jesse never finished his sentence. Both boys took off in the direction of the General Lee and were soon heard speeding down the driveway.
           "Well at least I got them out of the house," Uncle Jesse said.

           The boys were driving out of the driveway like two people late for their own funeral. As Luke looked behind them for signs of the hummingbird, he spotted it, chasing them along the road.
           "Bo, drive faster!" Luke shouted. Bo responded by pouring on the gas. The humming bird matched speed, as if it was following them. Suddenly, they went over a bump in the road and the hummingbird bounced, if a bird flying though the air could bounce. A distinctive snapping sound was heard, then the hummingbird fell. Luke sighed with relief and told Bo to slow down. Bo wasn't slowing down for nothin'. They flew into town and made a stunning stop in front of the Boars Nest. They just had to have a drink.
           They entered the bar and found Cooter sitting at their usual table. They sat down and ordered whiskey, not their usual drink, Cooter noticed, but Bo and Luke had both decided that they needed something a little stronger than beer.
            Cooter listened patiently as Luke told him about their adventures of the past couple of days, while Bo drank glass after glass of whiskey. When Luke finished, Cooter shook his head and said, "Boys, you need professional help."
           Luke responded with the statement that Duke's didn't get along with head doctors. Bo responded with a call for more whiskey.
           Cooter ended up driving the boys home and towing the General behind him because Luke was too jumpy to drive and Bo was just plastered. Between the two of them, Luke and Cooter managed to get Bo into the house with minimal noise. They left him passed out on his bed and went into the living room.
           Bo woke up to a pounding that he thought was due to the alcohol. He glanced over at the window and that dang bird was there, pecking at the window, trying to get in! He screamed and didn't even notice Luke and Cooter come in.
           "It's that bird again!" Luke yelled. Cooter just stood there, shocked at the realisation that Luke was absolutely right.
           Ya know, its just one of those things about Hazzard. As Luke and Cooter watched, that same distinctive snapping sound was heard and the demonic bird fell out of sight. They rushed out of the house, leaving Bo once again passed out on his bed.
           They found the fake hummingbird outside on the ground with fishing line attached to it. No one else was in sight.
           "Of course," exclaimed Luke. "A fake hummingbird!"
           "But why would anyone go through the trouble?" asked Cooter.
           "To make us act crazy I guess." replied Luke
           "And make you break your parole?" added Cooter.
           "Naw," Luke countered. "This ain't Boss's style."
           They sat awhile, thinking, but no motive came to them. "Dang it Cooter," Luke said, "I just don't get it. Why would anyone want to drive us crazy?"
           At supper that night, Luke was silent, and Bo was absent. Uncle Jesse didn't ask any questions for fear of the answers, but he was inwardly afraid for the boys' sanity. Daisy was inwardly laughing, her plan seemed to be working perfectly, even with that little slip up that afternoon. She went to work after supper, little knowing that Luke was about to reveal the whole thing to Uncle Jesse. When she returned home later that night however, Uncle Jesse asked if she had seen anyone strange around the house that day, and she knew that Luke had found the fake hummingbird and her plan was ruined. She acted shocked and said she never saw no one different around the house. She went to bed but lay there all night trying to come up with a new plan, but the same conclusion kept coming up. This time, she would really get rid of her competition. She knew that she would have to kill the Duke boys.
           Her chance didn't come until two days later. The boys were in the barn, piling hay in the hayloft. She quickly did her damage to the General and placed her surprise in the backseat. As she entered the barn, about to ask Bo and Luke to drive a tool box to Uncle Jesse on a neighbouring farm, she saw the two laughing and joking. Anger welled up inside her. She wanted to hurt them bad, and she knew there was only one way to do it. Quietly, she sneaked up to the hayloft where Bo was working, and when he wasn't looking, she simply pushed. He fell with a cry and landed hard. Daisy then, just as quietly, slipped away.
           "This is fixin' to hurt" flashed though Bo's mind before he hit and pain pushed all coherent thought from his head.
            Luke saw his cousin fall from the hayloft, and winced as his body hit with a dull thud. He dropped his pitchfork and ran towards Bo, fearing that he wouldn't like what he found. He turned Bo over and found a bloodstain spreading from Bo's stomach. Bo had landed on a rake carelessly left on the barn floor.
           "Oh my . . . " Luke started, but Bo interrupted him.
           "Don't swear, cuz" he said weakly.
           Luke knew he had to get Bo to the hospital. "This is gonna hurt Bo," he said to his younger cousin as he lifted him up and carried him in his arms like a small child.
           Luke didn't have a choice; he had to take the General. Uncle Jesse had the pick-up and Daisy's jeep was no where to be seen. Luke carefully slipped Bo into the General's passenger seat, painfully aware that Bo was slipping quickly away from him. He slid across the hood of the car and jumped into the driver's seat. He threw the car into gear and the General tore out of there like a bat outta hell.
           The stain on Bo's shirt had spread to his jeans by the time they had reached the cliff overlooking the river. Luke looked over at him and hoped that the movement he saw was a breath of air entering Bo's body. Suddenly, a sharp object pierced Luke's skin like a needle and he felt the poison flowing into his body. He then heard the rattle of the snake under his seat. He lost control of the car and suddenly they were headed towards the edge of the cliff. He tried the breaks but they were unresponsive. "This is fixin' ta hurt," he thought as the snake venom took over his mind. He thought he heard Bo beside him mumble "This is gonna hurt cuz," before he lost consciousness, but he wasn't sure. Neither of them felt the impact of the General Lee hitting the bottom of the canyon and neither felt the fire that consumed their bodies.

           Daisy went to work that day like nothing had happened. She then returned home to find Uncle Jesse sitting in the living room calling over the CB for any sign of the boys. She acted worried and dutifully cried when Roscoe arrived to tell Uncle Jesse that a car had been found in the canyon that could be the General Lee. She cried even harder when the news was confirmed two days later and wailed hysterically at the funeral. She became hostile, however, when Cooter told her that the brake line had been cut, that the boys might have been murdered.

           Bo and Luke, meanwhile, awoke to find themselves in a place that strongly resembled Hazzard, except that everyone present had died. Even Grannie Annie's sister, Ruth was seen walking around on Main Street.
           "Luke, where are we?" asked Bo, the dull pain in his stomach slowly disappearing.
           "I don't know," replied his older cousin. "Maybe we're dreaming."
           "I think I'd like to wake up now," Bo said then shuddered as he remembered the pain involved in the fuzzy memory of his waking reality. "Then again," he continued, "maybe not."
           Luke too was having second thoughts about waking up. "I ain't sure we're safe awake cuz."
           "What if we're dead?" asked Bo.
           "Do you remember dying?" Luke asked, a little peeved that Bo had come up with the idea before him.
           "Everyone else is dead," Bo continued. His head spun with the possibility that they could be dead and not even know it.
            "We can't be dead." Luke said. "There's the General Lee. Cars don't die, so he wouldn't be here." He was trying to rationalise what was happening, more so for his benefit than his little cousin's.
           "The General could to." Bo replied and Luke knew he was right. The car had a soul and Bo was right. They were dead.
           "Let's find whoever's in charge" Luke said, pulling his shocked cousin with him, hoping that the authority in this Hazzard wasn't the same one as in their own. They headed for the Boar's Nest, because if this was anything like Hazzard, that's where the authorities were headquartered.
           Inside the bar, they found the same old set up, only dead people replaced the living ones that were usually found there. They headed directly for the Boss's office and when they knocked, a loud voice bid them enter.
           It was the same old office with the same old pool table and the same old chair.
           "Oh my God!" Luke said softly.
           "Don't take my name in vain, Lukas Duke," said the loud voice. Then it softened, "Now, what can I do for you?" it asked.
           "Answer a few questions sir?" said Bo. He was pale but determined to remain strong and upright.
           "All right," the voice said. "Gimme the questions and I'll give you the answers."
           "Where are we?" asked Luke urgently "and why are we here? What happened? And how are Daisy and Uncle Jesse?"
           "You are in the Spirit World," the voice replied "you were killed before your time and now must stay her until your time is up. Your friends and relations are alive, but mourning for you."
           Completely out of the blue, Bo asked "Who pushed me?"
           Luke looked at him and said "Cuz, you're so clumsy you probably just fell."
           "I ain't clumsy Luke" Bo replied hotly "I didn't fall, I know I was pushed"
           "Bo," Luke said, his anger rising, "who would want to push you? You're not worth the effort to attempt murder!"
           "Listen Lukas," Bo said, his fists up, "I know I was pushed."
           Luke responded with a laugh. "You're delusional, not to mention crazy."
           "And who was it that got the hummingbird stuck in his finger?" countered Bo, "That's what got us into this mess!"
           "Well you were driving!" shouted Luke "and whose idea was it to paint the car orange?"
           "You leave the General outta this," Bo said.
           "And," Luke continued, "you're afraid of needles. Ain't you grown outta that yet?"
           "All right, that's it" said Bo as he tackled Luke. They rolled around on the ground until God shouted loud enough to break the windows of the Boars Nest.
          "Boys" he shouted, "now you listen to me!" Then he calmed down some. "Now Beauregard," God said, ignoring Bo's grimace at the use of his full name, "your right, someone pushed you."
           To a shocked Luke, he added, "She tried to kill both of you."
           "She cut the brake lines" Luke said, stunned. He sat down heavily in an available chair.
           "Who was it?" Bo said, barely standing but still on his own two feet.
           "It was your cousin, Daisy." God replied.
           The only sound in the room was the thud of Bo's body as he fell to the floor. Luke of course didn't hear it because he too, fainted from the shock.
            "Oh my Sheep! They fainted!" said God. "I have to learn not to let it all out at once." He sighed and settled into the Boss's chair to wait for them to wake up.

           Meanwhile, back in the living Hazzard, things did not return to what was considered normal, mainly because the Duke boys weren't there getting into trouble. Roscoe fell into a depression and took to drinking. Boss Hog was taking it especially hard and couldn't even bring himself to finish his full turkey dinner. Enos tried continuously to cheer everybody else up. He missed his two best friends yet he wasn't letting it get him down. Cooter went out of business because without Roscoe and Enos chasing the Duke boys constantly there were no cars to fix. He came to live with Uncle Jesse and Daisy but slept on the couch because he just couldn't bring himself to sleep in the boys' room.
           Daisy was the only one unaffected by their deaths. Everyone thought she was just hiding it. In truth she was ecstatic and had to contain her joy to keep from bursting out in laughter.
           Cooter might have spent his days on the Dukes' couch but he spent all his days pondering the boys' deaths and examining the remains of the General. Now, Cooter ain't especially bright but when it comes to his two best buddies and their infamous car, he knew all that there was to know and he knew that there was something suspicious about their deaths. Enos and Roscoe, being the law of the town, felt obligated to help Cooter in his one-man crusade. They dug up all they could on any enemies that the boys had had and, believe you me, them boys had a lot of enemies. Even Boss Hogg and Roscoe himself were on the list. No one was left off. Enos, though he was considered one of the Duke boys' best friends, included himself on the list. Everyone who had ever had words with either of them two boys was written down and questioned, including Uncle Jesse and Daisy, even though everybody knew that they had had nothing to do with them boys dying.
           One day, Daisy, getting mighty impatient 'bout that cash that oughtta be coming her way, asked Uncle Jesse if the Dukes had any rich relatives. She gave him some ole story about a friend who had inherited a lot of money and she was just a wee bit curious.
           "No," Uncle Jesse replied. "Unfortunately us Dukes run mighty short on the cash side of things, but we sure run mighty long on love." Then Uncle Jesse sighed. "No Daisy," he continued, "The only inheritance us Dukes got is . . . "
           Suddenly Cooter burst in through the screen door (just like them boys used to do, sniffle, sniffle) "Uncle Jesse! Uncle Jesse!" he shouted.
           "I ain't your Uncle Jesse!" Uncle Jesse said, as waves of sorrow flowed through his tender little heart. With that he left the kitchen and went to his bedroom.
           "What's the matter Cooter?" asked Daisy, fearing the worst.
           It was the worst. "I got proof that Bo and Luke were murdered!" Cooter said excitedly. He held up the brake line that he had found in the driveway.
           "Dang it Cooter, you just couldn't leave it alone could you?" Daisy said as she picked up that night's dinner and whacked it over his head, immediately snapping his neck. He fell like a sack of corn.
           Now Daisy's little problem was how to get the body out of the kitchen and into the barn without rousing Uncle Jesse's suspicions. Fortunately, since Daisy had broke Cooter's neck and not his skin, there was no blood to trail behind her as she dragged his body out of the house and into the barn.

            Meanwhile, in the Spirit World, Bo and Luke were having a beer with Grannie Ruth.
           "Boy do I miss the good ole Hazzard, "she was saying. "It's always so gosh darn mystical here, it's down right annoying."
           It was then that an idea formed in Luke's head, to do the unthinkable. He was gonna blackmail, yes blackmail, God. He shared his plan with the other two. Both nodded in agreement and that silly grin appeared on Bo's face that always used to before they were dead, when Luke's ideas promised mischief and mayhem.
           They decided to put their plan in action. Bo and Luke got up and went to confront God. They entered the office and saw a familiar face standing in front of the pool table.
           "And you're never gonna guess who killed me!" Cooter was saying.
"She got you too!" Luke said.
           "Dang it Cooter," Bo exclaimed, "We though you was smarter than that."
           "I know!" replied Cooter. "And the worst part is, they ain't even found my body yet, it's still out in the barn!"
           "God," said Luke, "We got a proposition for y'all. Now the rumour goin' around is that them spirits don't like it here all that much. They prefer the good old Hazzard of the living world."
           "I'm listening," God said.
           "Well sir, "Luke continued, "We been thinkin' . . ."
           Back in the real Hazzard, the Dukes, that is, Uncle Jesse and Daisy, the remaining Dukes, were sitting down for supper.
           "Dang it," Uncle Jesse said, "Where in the blue blazes is that boy?" He was of course talking about Cooter but tears formed in his eyes as he thought about how that phase had been directed so often at his dear departed nephews.
           "The last time I saw him," Daisy replied, "He was in the barn."
           "Ain't he got the sense to come in to dinner?" Uncle Jesse said gruffly.
           "Maybe he doesn't like lamb." Daisy said innocently.
           "That boy's got sheep on the brain, "Uncle Jesse said. "Of course he likes lamb!"
           Dinner was especially good that night. Daisy had cooked the lamb to perfection and it was seasoned with just the right herbs and spices.
           "Doesn't lamb usually have more blood in it?" asked Uncle Jesse as he pushed himself back from the table.
           "Not if you pound it Uncle Jesse," Daisy replied, silently laughing.
           Uncle Jesse went to bed early that night. In fact, all of Hazzard had the urge to go to bed early the night.

           In the spirit world, God turned to the Duke boys and Cooter and said "I've done what you asked, "referring to Hazzard's early bedtime.
           "Good, "said Luke "now just make a few adjustments, as per our agreement."
           God snapped his fingers and said, "Done. Now no one knows you were dead." Then, a little sheepishly he added, "Now y'all are gonna keep that little slip of the tongue sheep thing between us, right?"
           Luke nodded. "Yep," he replied.
            Now y'all might be thinking that them boys was out cold when God made his little error but Luke was only halfway there. Just goes to show you what a little Marine training and a lot a coffee will do for ya.

          At midnight, all was silent, in both Hazzards. Suddenly, bodies started disappearing. People from one world were vanishing, only to reappear in the opposite world. Only the spirits knew what was going on. They knew that they were going back to Hazzard.
           The Duke boys and Cooter were the only dead people who remained in the spirit world. They were all a little surprised when Boss Hogg appeared curled up on God's lap and Roscoe materialised on the pool table, fast asleep, clutching his dog, Flash.
           "Well, that's the last of them," God said. "Except your cousin, Daisy. And none of them remember a thing 'bout you dying except Daisy, you three and me."

           Daisy woke up the next day and went to milk the goat. She entered the barn but, instead of the familiar white goat, she found Buttercup, the black goat that had died three winters ago. She went to tell Uncle Jesse but found great-aunt Mabel in his bed instead, who, according to her calculations, would be 123 years old if she were alive. Unfortunately, she was supposed to be dead.
           "Oh my God!" she exclaimed.
           "Dang it, would you Dukes stop taking my name in vain!" shouted a loud, booming voice.
           A quieter voice the sounded a lot like Bo's said, "Is it really proper for God to say 'Dang it'?"
           Luke's voice replied, "It is in Hazzard."
           "Bo, Luke, what's goin' on?" Daisy called out. "Didn't I, ah, I mean, ain't y'all dead?"
           "Well you would know!" exclaimed Bo.
           "This is just another one of your tricks!" Daisy shouted. "Now show yourselves so's I can do this right!"
           "Dang it Daisy, I mean, gosh darn it," Bo said. "Give it up, we're already dead."
           "So I get the Duke inheritance!" exclaimed Daisy.
           "What in tarnation are you talking 'bout Daisy?" Luke asked. "There ain't no Duke inheritance."
           "You're lying! And I deserve it more than you anyways, Luke Duke." Daisy said. "I do all the cooking and cleaning while y'all go riding around in that car a' yours."
           "Yeah, and you killed the General too!" came Cooter's voice.
           "Cooter!" exclaimed Daisy. "Now I know you're dead. Your body's still out in the barn, I checked. I was out there just this mornin'."
           "Daisy," God's voice boomed, "this is your punishment for killing the Duke boys and Cooter, and I know about that goat!"
           "Punishment!" exclaimed Daisy. She hadn't thought of that.
           "You are doomed to stay in Hazzard forever with all those who passed on before their time." God continued. "All your friends think you're dead, killed in the same way that you murdered your cousins."
           "I fell on a rake, then drove off a cliff?" asked Daisy.
           "Exactly!" God said. "Except for the rake part. You were driving a toolbox to Uncle Jesse and drove your jeep off a cliff."
            "Those dang Duke boys!" Daisy exclaimed. "I shoulda known they'd come up with a plan to get out a being dead!"

           Hazzard just wasn't the same after that. The Duke boys had to take over all of Daisy's chores and couldn't be out on the road as much, and there was all that dang mist all over the place.
           "Where'd all this dang mist come from?" asked Uncle Jesse one day.
           "Global warming." replied Luke, a little nervous that Uncle Jesse had noticed the difference in Hazzard too.
           Still, all in all, people were happy, except Daisy, who was quite upset about the lack of cute males among the spirits. She also had to walk everywhere cause Dixie, her jeep, didn't have a soul like the General and didn't exist no more. Unlike the spirits, Daisy couldn't do the floating thing. In spirit Hazzard, where the live people were, Bo and Luke got a job. The Duke boys working? Now there's a real switch. They took over the Boar's Nest, where Boss Hogg could keep a close eye on them two and where they could keep an eye on him. Roscoe didn't get over his drinking habit so he became the town drunk, something Hazzard ain't never had before. Enos Strate became sheriff, much to the surprise of nobody and Cooter became his deputy and chief investigator of motor vehicle accidents. In his spare time Cooter helped out at the farm cause them Dukes boys was just too busy at the bar to get in to trouble like they used to and smash up cars. Despite them changes, everything was good in Hazzard. And to think this all started with a little discussion about chest hair and a little ole hummingbird. Only in Hazzard. As for the Duke boys' brush with death, well, they'll never tell.

THE END

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Ye Ol' Disclaimer: Well, I don't own the Duke boys or any other character in this story but I sure wouldn't mind owning the General Lee. Warner Bros. has the copyright (I think) and I just take them out to play with them every once in a while.

Thanks: Muchos Gracias to my former roomy, also known as Lady Tarzan of the Pet Kingdom. She and I wrote this together and it was her idea to begin with anyway. And, Amanda (Static Cling Girl), thanks for laughing at me and calling me crazy, many, many times.

Warning: Some one dies. There's some language that wouldn't have been in the show. Oh, yeah, and God's in it too. If you are offended by this story You Were Warned! (And it's all my roomy's fault)