Lost In Dreams

I don�t if you can hear me but I�ll be here and never leave your side. We all miss you. You just have to wake up.

I can hear you, I can hear your voice and what you tell me, but where are you now? They tell me I�m mad when I tell them I know you�re not dead, they don�t believe me. I know you�re still here, I know you�ll always be with me, wherever. But they don�t. I remember slightly when it happened, even though some of the details are blurry in my mind. We were on your bike, I was sitting behind you, clasping my hands around your waist and my cheek inside my helmet against your leather jacket, smelling the invasive smell of the material. We were going fast, too fast. I enjoyed it to start with, the wind blowing through my hair and the reassuring feeling of have you there too.
But it was on that corner, there�d been accidents there before, too many times I had heard news stories of bikers dying on that road. You lost control and we skidded off the road. I was thrown clear from the bike but you�you ended up on the other side of the road, dragged along by it. I rolled to the grass verge and roughly hit my head on the ground; but I got up, worried for you more than for myself. My head was spinning but I wanted to know if you were alright. The scene looked so abnormal. So wrong. I couldn�t find you at first and began to get scared. There was blood on the road, blood on my clothes. Some of which was my own. The bike had ended up what seemed like miles away, my legs didn�t want to move but I staggered over to it and found a sight I didn�t want to see. Not in a million years. After the crash you�d been pulled under the bike and that�s where I found you, your body mixed up with the machine.
The paramedics said there was nothing that could be done for you and I felt as if a part of me had disappeared all of a sudden. Like my heart had been torn out of my body and like I was now missing an important part of my soul. I collapsed in tears, not wanting to go in the ambulance even though I needed seeing to myself but wanting to stay with you instead. They made me go, saying it would what you wanted. I wouldn�t believe them, couldn�t allow myself to believe them. All I cared about was leaving you.
You say you won�t leave me, but where are you now? And why can�t I let you go?

You have to wake up.

I don�t understand. I am awake, but when I sleep I dream of you. Haunting dreams I can�t get out of my mind. My waking hours are filled with thoughts of you, and then when I dream, my dreams contain you. In my dreams we soar above the skies, clouds as dust in the blue sea. You will take my hand softly in yours and give it a gentle squeeze. But always the dram shatters and I wake up again, alone. Always alone.
Your funeral was beautiful, just the way you would have wanted it. All your family was there; your mum cried her poor heart out, the death of her own son too much for the poor woman. I just sat through the service with no expression on my face. I wanted to cry, wanted to join the others and grieve my loss but I couldn�t. The tears wouldn�t come that day and I felt more alone than I have even done before. I still can�t believe you�re gone, I know you are but part of me just refuses to believe it.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
It seems I�ve cried so many times it�s as if I could drown in the tears. Sometimes I wish I could. But since you�ve gone I can�t stop he tears falling from my eyes. The psychiatrist says it�s depression, that�s why I see you in my dreams all the time. In dreams that seem more real that what actually is. They�ve given me pills to take. I dutifully pretend to take them so my parents don�t worry but smuggle them under my mattress instead, I know I don�t need them. I know that you do appear in my dreams, know you�re still living�somewhere, and because of that I refuse to forget you.

Just do me a favour and wake up.

When you left me I thought that was it, that the end of the world had come. I found it hard to cope with everything. But I managed, somehow they pulled me through. My family, your family, all my friends have helped get me through not having you. They�ve all been wonderful but it�s just not the same without you. I miss you kisses; your deep and longing kisses that made me feel as if there was nothing else that mattered in the world except you and me.
Sometimes at night I go to your grave on s silent vigil, almost hoping that you�d appear by my side. But that�s hope in vain, I don�t want to accept it and I don�t want to move on, but I know that one day we�ll be together again and then we�ll never be apart.
There have been times when I�ve contemplated suicide, I have enough pills hidden away to put me into as deep a sleep as I want, one that I would never come out of. But somehow I haven�t been able to, somehow I�ve been able to continue with the help of others. But I know they think I�m mad when I tell them about my dreams, they�d put me in an asylum if they had the chance; I just stop telling them about you. You�re my secret now and I know you�re with me, whether they believe it or not. We will be together eventually because we belong together.

I don�t know if you know but I love you, I�ll never stop loving you. You just have to wake up. Please.

When I opened my eyes from the dream, a dream that showed how things should be: we�re together as we should be, and was faced with the fact that you weren�t there. But you still called me, your voice still called me. Not understanding what was going on I shut my eyes again.
Reopening my eyes I found the strangest sight ever; a blurred room, a blurred white room and I wondered what on earth was going on. The sight was terrifying as I had no idea what was happening. I didn�t understand any of it, couldn�t understand it at all. When my eyes adjusted to the scene I couldn�t believe what I saw and shrunk back onto the strange bed that I found myself on. Beside me you sat, a mixed worried and relieved expression on your face. The rest of the cleared and I eventually realised I was in a hospital room�

They explained to me what had happened, that what I thought was wrong and when the bike crashed he had been fine- a few minor injuries but nothing much and he soon recovered quickly- that I, however, had suffered the worst. I had entered into a coma and stayed in a death like state for over two weeks; that everything I had thought to be true and had happened was only a dream�an insane dream during my illness. I couldn�t believe it, but since I woke up we�ve vowed never to leave the other�s side�together always.
�Kiandra Riley 2004