Buffybot in Tabula Rasa
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: This fic is set during the events of 'Tabula Rasa' in BtVS Series 6, when the Scoobies temporarily lose their memories. I've twiddled with the time sequence in the episode a tiny bit, but just call it artistic licence.
DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to Joss. I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in reasonably good condition, and only slightly used.
NOTE: This story is a sequel to Buffybot Behind Bars!, but it can perfectly well be read as a stand-alone.
SCENE: A house in Sunnydale
Chapter Eight
It was a tired and bewildered group of adventurers who sat in the cellar of the Magic Box. They still hadn’t heard anything from above, and certainly no one had fired a bazooka at the shop, which was good. On the other hand, they were cold, and hungry, and thirsty - and they were no nearer a solution to their problem than they had ever been. And questioning Lara was proving very nearly as exhausting as fighting vampires. They gazed wearily at her, standing there bouncing and grinning excitedly, obviously still chock full of beans - or the robotic equivalent.
Tara took up the thread again - everyone else seemed a bit beaten down. “So, Lara, you’re a robot, who was built to look like Joan here,” Tara waved at Joan, who rolled her eyes, “who is the Vampire Slayer, which is some sort of Special Chosen Girl, who fights vampires and demons?” Buffybot nodded enthusiastically. “And we are all her gang? Who help her fight vampires and demons?”
Buffybot nodded again, Tara was smart!
“And you fight the demons in Sunnydale while she's away on holiday?” finished Tara, rather doubtfully. A Slayer who took vacations seemed kinda.... casual.
“Yes!” said Buffybot. “I hunt and I...”
Joan silenced her with a raised hand. “We got that bit,” she said. She looked around at the weary group, “But what we all really need to know is what’s going on right now.”
“Yeah,” said Willow, “with the hospital thing, and the Quest.” She wriggled, embarrassed, and looked sideways at Joan and Randy - they hadn’t let themselves be coerced into using silly names, and following a robot about. She was kinda hoping that whole topic wouldn’t have to come up.
Everyone looked at Buffybot intently, hanging on her words. Buffybot grinned back at them all.
“Well, I don’t know exactly,” she said brightly. “I only woke up this morning, when Jonathan was fixing me. But I’m guessing you’re all under a Spell. A Forgetting Spell!”
Everyone gazed at each other - a spell! Of course! They were under a spell. It explained so much.
“Sorcery!” gasped Randy, outraged.
“Indeed,” said Willow portentously. “Some evil sorcerer - or sorceress - no doubt has an evil scheme for World Domination or an apocalypse or something, and he’s got us out of the way with this forgetting spell! It’s fiendishly cunning.”
“Well,” said Anya, outraged. “The cheek of it, making me forget getting engaged to Rupey.” She glared around the room. Someone was going to pay for this!
“We need our memories back,” cried Joan. “to know who’s evil scheme it is that we’re fighting! Then we go kick their Evil Demon ass!”
Everyone brightened. Kicking ass sounded very satisfying. They all began to mill around, full of resolution, but a little short of strategy. After a confused, enthusiastic few moments, they stopped uncertainly again.
Finally, Rupert coughed. “First of all, I think,” he said firmly, “we should all sit down and try to establish just exactly who we are, and what our situation is, and what our powers are.” He looked at Buffybot, who had obediently plunked herself down on a packing case, and was now absently wiggling her very disconcertingly bizarre toes. “Apparently the robo... that is, Lara here, can tell us. And once we have the facts at our disposal we can then decide a sensible course of action to deal with the vampires, and the demons, and the shark with the bazooka.” He paused, “I can’t believe I just said that,” he added plaintively.
“A shark with a bazooka?” said Willow, not sure she’d heard quite right. “Nobody mentioned a shark.”
Randy nodded, his expression grave. “Lara here told us it was a fish,” he said, “but in fact it’s a shark. And it’s armed.”
“A shark is a fish!” said Buffybot, having made a lightning fast data check. “They’re elasmobranchs!”
Joan ground her teeth; this robot was a smartass. “A talking shark, which is kinda more important than the fishiness,” she said pointedly, “a walking, talking shark. Randy and I met it out in the street, and it set a bunch of vampires on us. And when we killed them its henchmen hauled out a bazooka.” She took in the various startled and sceptical expressions around her, and held her hands out. “What can I say? It’s what happened. And it was shouting at us. Apparently noble-vampire-with-a-soul Randy here owes it some kittens.”
Randy shifted, uncomfortably. He was beginning to feel kind of disillusioned about his noble vampiric self. Trading in pet supplies with a low-life shark sounded like a deeply suspicious activity for a vampire-with-a-soul to be engaged in.
“Ah! Now that makes more sense!” said Buffybot, pleased.
“How?” said Alex incredulously. “A talking shark that runs a gang of vampires? In what Looney Tunes version of the world does that make sense?”
Buffybot blinked, confused. It seemed obvious to her - but it was rude to say that people were being slow, even if they were! “It’s a demon loan shark!” she said kindly. She turned to Randy. “I expect Spike has been gambling again. He has lots of bad habits!”
Everyone looked at Randy disapprovingly. He blushed.
“Wait a minute!” said Anya. She pointed to Buffybot, and then at Randy. You just called him Spike!” She looked at Spike suspiciously. “He told us his name was Randy.”
Buffybot smiled at Anya, “No, it’s not Randy - Spike’s name is Spike. Because he used to kill people with railroad spikes!”
There was a deathly silence, and Dawn and Joan, who had been standing nearby to the tweedy if noble Randy, edged slowly away.
“But he doesn’t do that any more,” said Buffybot quickly, watching dismayed as the gap around Spike grew and spread. “Now he helps Buffy stake evil things instead! With stakes, not spikes!” she added, to be clear - pointing at the stakes in Spike’s hands. He dropped them with a guilty clatter, and backed away into a corner, his head in his hands.
“Who’s Buffy?” said everyone else at once.
Buffybot pointed, and a look of horror spread over Joan’s face. “Buffy?!” she cried, “What lame-ass kind of a name is Buffy?!”
“Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” said Willow thoughtfully, tasting the words. She looked at Tara for support. “It doesn’t sound so bad.”
“Not bad at all, said Tara quickly. She smiled at Buffy, “And you are the Slayer, that’s pretty cool.”
“Yeah, but Buffy is kinda lame-ass,” said Dawn, grinning, “Dawn’s not so bad if Buffy is the alternative.”
Buffybot opened her mouth, but Anya interrupted. “What’s my real name?” she demanded.
Buffybot turned to her. “You’re Anya, and you run the magic shop, with Giles! Where you sell magic things. For money.” She grinned at Anya. “You like money, a lot! You say gold used to be your favourite color, but you’ve changed with the times, and now it’s green.” Buffybot gazed at her bright eyed, “Because dollars are green!” she added helpfully.
“I got it,” said Anya tetchily. “Greenbacks, dollars, got there. I just didn’t find it terribly amusing, that’s all.” She glared at the assembled company - there had been a titter there, she was sure.
“And you’re a 2,000 year old ex-vengeance demon,” added Buffybot as an afterthought, “but you haven’t tortured any men in ages!”
There was a long, long silence. Alex, who had moved carefully away from Spike, now eddied uncertainly back the way he had come, as he tried to put some space between himself and the man-torturer. After a bit of awkward pushing and shuffling a clear space opened up between the reformed demons on one side, and their nervous human companions on the other.
“Rupey?” said Anya, fingering her engagement ring.
Hovering on the edge of the human group, Giles gave her a harried smile, and pulled at his tie. Apparently he was engaged to an ancient ex-demon. A man torturing ancient ex-demon. Was he mad?
Buffybot, meanwhile, was thinking furiously. It was a good thing she hadn’t mentioned that Buffy used to be dead, or that Dawn had been a glowy ball of green stuff! Her revelations about Anya and Spike had not gone down at all well. In fact, they seemed to be causing a great deal of tension - which was Bad for the Group, and just precisely at the time when they all needed to pull together to defeat Evil! She frowned; was it in her friends’ interests to reveal any more awkward facts right now? Or was she causing them Psychological Harm? She ran over the articles on situational ethics and psychology stored in her Encyclopaedia - and came to a decision. No more awkward or uncomfortable facts just now. She wouldn’t lie or anything of course. But nice things only!
She looked over at Giles and Anya. Giles had pulled himself together, and placed a nervous hand on Anya’s shoulder, and she had reacted by grabbing him in a hug, and locking lips. Buffybot smiled. It was great they had got together - and Xander didn’t seem to mind, either! All the same, she made a little note to herself: no mention of anyone dying, or being born strangely late, or that Anya used to have lots of sex with Xander. She looked up, resolute.
“Okay, said Buffy, drawing a long, deep breath. “So let’s hear the worst. Any other retired demons, vampires, or other evil non-human entities among us?” Everyone left in the human group looked at Buffybot apprehensively.
Buffybot’s smile widened. “No!” she said happily. “You’re all humans!” There was a collective sigh.
Alex coughed. "And, er do any of us beside Buffy here have any powers?" he asked hopefully, "like, you know, super-strength?" He flexed his biceps; he felt pretty darn strong.
"Yes!" said Buffybot excitedly. This was a nice thing she could tell them! She turned to Tara and Willow, and pointed. "You're Tara Maclay, and you’re a witch, and you're Willow Rosenberg, and you’re a witch too! White witches! You do really cool spells together!”
Willow and Tara both straightened up, excited.
Buffybot glowed. It was fun telling people nice things! Rupert, Alex and Dawn looked at her expectantly.
"And you’re Rupert Giles," said Buffybot brightly, pointing, "and you’re real smart, and you know lots of languages and history, and about demons and things; and you’re Buffy’s Watcher, so she has to do what you say!"
"Oh!" said Giles, pleased. “That sounds, erm, very likely. And sensible. Likely and sensible!”
Behind him, Buffy pulled a face. How ‘smart’ of this guy had it been to get all intimate with an ex-demon?
"And you.!" Buffybot pointed at Alex, "are Xander Harris, Willow's childhood friend, and good at woodwork." She turned to Dawn, "and you are Dawn Summers, Buffy's little sister. She looks after you when she's not busy slaying things or going to college!"
Buffybot gave a happy little nod; that was everyone summed up, she felt - and with no bad things - like anybody once being a bug eating minion, or possessed by a hyena spirit - even mentioned!
Xander and Dawn stared at her.
"That's it?" said Dawn, outraged. "I'm just the baby sister? That’s all you’ve got to say about me?"
"You like pancakes," said Buffybot hopefully.
"And I use the wrong half of my name, and I’m good at woodworking," said Xander flatly. "Yay."
“Yay!” echoed Buffybot, putting considerably more brio into it than Xander had managed. She peered at Xander and Dawn, feeling some of the glow fading. They were both disappointed, and it made her sad. What to do? Ah! Buffybot felt the glow growing again as she made a mental note. She would just have to find something brave for them to do - that would cheer them up!
“Okay,” said Buffy, squaring her shoulders. “Now we all know who we are, let’s go track down the Evil Sorcerer - and Slay him!” She paused, and regarded her troops. “Any suggestions on how to do that?”
Xander and Dawn looked across at each other, sulking. Clearly they weren’t going to have any good suggestions. Why not leave it to the people with special powers?
“Research,” cried Giles. “There’s got to be a book about it somewhere!”
“A tracking spell,” cried Willow. “Give him a taste of his own medicine.”
“Let’s find a handy minion and torture him for information,” cried Anya, her eyes glowing.
“Hmm, those all sound good," said Buffy thoughtfully. “Except the research one.”
Giles glared.
“Um, I’ve got another suggestion,” said Tara shyly. Heads turned, surprised, in her direction. “Why don’t we find this Jonathan Levinson, that fixed up Lara here? Maybe he knows who the Sorcerer is.” She ducked her head.
“Yes!” said Anya, “we can torture Jonathan!” Everyone looked at her. “Or maybe, you know, just ask him politely,” she added quickly.
“It’s a Plan,” said Buffy. She looked across at Spike, who was still huddled in the corner. “Come on Mr Noble Vampire-With-A-Soul,” she said cheerfully. “Let’s go a’Sorcerer hunting!”
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