Buffybot Behind Bars
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: The summer before the start of season 6. Buffy is gone, Buffybot is doing her best to fill the gap.
DISCLAIMER: The only characters who belong to me are the ones you’ve never heard of before. Otherwise, I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in good condition, and only slightly used...
Chapter 6: Buffybot in Court
Buffybot tripped eagerly into the courtroom. This was ever so exciting! Willow was coming to take her home, and she had a real live lawyer, called Stanley, who was going to get her off her rap! It was just like ‘Ally McBeal’. And here was the judge, who looked like a cute little pug dog gnawing on a wasp, dressed in one of those funny black dresses. She waved merrily at him. “Hi, there!”
The bailiff pointed silently to a seat, then waited with arms folded as she sat down. Her attorney nodded to her reassuringly and took a discreet little nip from the whisky miniature concealed in his hand. The prosecutor opened his newspaper, and stretched his feet out.
The judge leant over his bench and looked at her severely, as the clerk read out the charges.
Buffybot listened - gosh, it did sound kinda serious put like that didn’t it? Oh, there were Willow, and Giles, and Tara. Wow! She jumped to her feet and waved excitedly. “Hey guys, I’m over here!”
The clerk looked up in mid-flow.
“The prisoner will be silent!” yelled the judge.
Buffybot started to work her way along the seats towards her friends, waving all the while. “It’s real sweet of you all to come collect me!”
“The prisoner will sit down!” yelled the judge.
“Um, hey, Buffy, nice to see you too,” said Willow nervously, “but I think he means you...”
Buffybot looked behind her at the judge, who was puce with fury. The bailiff was heading rapidly toward her, his hand on his gun.
“Buffyb... Buffy,” said Giles quickly, “I really do think you need to return to your seat and, uh, listen to what the judge and the lawyers have to say to you.”
“You - sit down, and everyone shut up!” yelled the judge. He pointed a fat finger at Giles, “You included!”
Giles bridled, “I was only suggesting to Buffy that she should sit down, and pay attention to your very import...”
“What part of ‘shut up’ don’t you understand, Mr Talky Mouth?” yelled the judge. “Shut up and stay shut up!”
Giles seethed silently to himself. Clearly the fellow was completely unprofessional, abusing his position to throw his puny weight around... He settled down to scribble furiously in the little notebook he carried with him everywhere. He fully intended to lodge a formal complaint, oh yes!
The judge plinked a Pepto Bismol into the glass of water in front of him, and looked around threateningly. “Ok, let me get a few things straight. This is my courtroom. I talk, you listen - unless I ask you a question. Then you answer it, plainly and concisely, and then you listen to me talk some more. Got it everyone?”
Buffybot straightened in her chair. The judge was kinda tetchy, she thought - but he was so teeny, and rosy faced - and perched up there in his black dress, he was really kinda cute! “Got it, your judgeship, and hey, you look real cute up there,” she said eagerly.
The judge’s face blotched alarmingly. He turned to the clerk. “Just who the hell is this little smart ass?”
“I’m the Buffybot,” said Buffybot proudly, “I fight and I slay!” The judge glared at her and made a note on sheet in front of him.
“Buffy!” said Willow, anguished, “Remember what I said on the phone last night!”
Buffybot shifted guiltily. She was trying to act human - she’d burped in the prison van, and made a joke about onions - just like Xander! And she’d been to the bathroom, and hung around in there until someone banged on the door - just like Dawn! But here, in the heat of the moment...
“Ah,” said Giles, “perhaps what Buffy meant to say -”
“I’ve already told you to can it, Captain Peacock,” said the judge menacingly.
Willow laid a hand on Giles’ arm, then turned to the judge, “Buffy is sweet but a little simple,” she began, “I’m sure she didn’t mean..”
“You, yes, YOU - with the carroty hair and the ugly peasant blouse,” yelled the judge, “SHUT YOUR TRAP!”
Willow sat back, her face burning. Tara bought me this blouse, she thought to herself, and it’s lovely! She glared at the judge.
Tara saw her girlfriend’s neck turn bright red. She leant forward. “Don’t mind him, sweetie,” she said quietly, shifting forward in her seat and rubbing Willow’s shoulders comfortingly, “he’s just a big show-offy bully.”
“And the Renaissance Fair refugee can shut up as well!” yelled the judge. “Everyone. Just. Shut. Up.”
A offended silence fell across the courtroom. Stanley the lawyer shifted in his seat. Dennis the Menace was in particularly fine form today, he thought. There was a sweepstake down at the public defenders’ office on when he was finally going to have an aneurysm in court. Stanley felt the odds were shortening fast.
“Better,” said the judge after glaring about the court for a moment or two. He turned to Buffybot, and tapped his pen on the paper in front of him. “So, your name is Buffy Bott, and you’ve been assaulting policemen, is that right?” Stanley stirred in his seat; he really ought to object to that...
“I object!” he said boldly.
“Shut up!” screamed the judge.
Giles scribbled some more in his notebook.
“Stanley is my lawyer,” said Buffybot brightly, she leaned over towards Giles. “He has conjunctivitis, so he can’t wear his contact lenses! Otherwise he would have read my case file. He said so!”
“Hmm,” said Giles disapprovingly, and made another note.
“Anyway,” said Buffybot sunnily, “I didn’t assault anyone. The policeman just got his head in the way and,” she looked proudly across at Willow, “my name is Buffybot Summers. Not just Buffybot - that would be silly, and not human at all!”
Willow groaned slightly, and Tara patted her consolingly on the back.
“Buffy Bott Summers?” said the judge, confused. He amended the note in front of him.
“Um, Bott is just her middle name,” said Giles, “it’s a family tradition...”
“No it isn’t,” said Buffybot brightly, “I think you must be getting confused, Giles. Perhaps you drank too much whisky last night?” She grinned confidently at Willow. “My middle name is Anne, with an ‘e’! That’s a very human name.”
Willow smiled feebly at her. Buffybot straightened up proudly - she was getting the hang of this cross examination business!
“And what sort of a name is Buffy?” said the judge. “I don’t believe Buffy is a real name.” He looked accusingly at them all. There was a silence.
“Oh come on,” said the judge impatiently, “you were all butting in a minute ago.” He looked around him. “Anyone can answer...”
“It’s a - it’s short for Elizabeth,” said Giles. Willow coughed, and shook her head slightly. He looked across at her, disconcerted. “Er, possibly,” he said, fiddling nervously with his glasses. “That is, it ought to be short for Elizabeth, but possibly it isn’t. Or possibly it is...” He wound down.
“Oh that’s much clearer,” said the judge sarcastically, “so she’s called Elizabeth or Buffy, her middle name is Anne, and her surname is Bott or Summers. Yes, that’s perfectly clear.”
“Bott-Summers,” said Giles. Then he sighed - oh what was the point? He wasn’t even convincing himself. He sank down to the bench, banging his fist lightly against his temple.
Buffybot gazed around with great interest. Who could have imagined that she might have so many names? They hadn’t even mentioned Bottie.... Ooh! She jumped to her feet again.
“Sit down!” shouted the judge. “How many times do I have to tell you to SIT DOWN! Sit down, and stay there. Do not speak unless you are spoken to. What part of that do you not understand?”
Buffybot bounced up and down on her toes. “I understand all of it!” she said happily. “But I have another name, too, and I just thought you might want to write it on your piece of pap...”
“That’s it!” screamed the judge. “I am holding you in contempt of this court. You can spend the weekend in Sunnydale Women’s Penitentiary thinking it over, and then I expect to see you in this court on Monday with a drastically adjusted attitude. Is that clear?”
“Your Honour!” cried Giles, “this is a travesty! There is absolutely no basis for the charges Miss Bott-Summers is facing.” He jumped to his feet and advanced menacingly on Stanley. “Why the hell aren’t you doing your job?” he yelled, “you incompetent hack!”
The prosecutor looked up briefly from his newspaper, then returned to the sports pages - clearly the shouty guy was going to be intercepted before he made it.
The judge signalled to the bailiff, who stepped up and frog marched Giles away with practiced ease. He threw out outraged relatives from Dennis the Menace’s court on a daily basis.
Buffybot knotted her brow, “I need to go home with Willow and Tara and Giles. I have patrolling to do, and I really need to recharge my batteries.”
“You can recharge your batteries in prison,” said the judge grimly.
“Well,” said Buffybot. “That’s very nice of you. But really I’d prefer..”
“SHUT. UP. Miss Bott, and SIT. DOWN.”
Buffybot sat down unhappily, and looked across appealingly at Willow and Tara.
“P-please your honor,” said Tara nervously, “Can’t you grant bail? Buffy really needs to come home. She’s kinda... Special Needs, and we look after her you see...” She looked across at Buffybot and held up crossed fingers.
“Special Needs?” said the judge, looking at Buffybot, consideringly.
“Yeah,” said Tara, “it’s like an emotional deficiency that makes her say odd things. It has a proper name, which will come to me in a moment...”
“Any time soon?” said the judge.
Tara’s eyes crossed as she tried desperately to remember.
The judge drummed his fingers impatiently on the table. The sleeves of his robe had ridden up his arms due to all the emphatic pointing he’d been doing, and he straightened them absently as he waited.
Buffybot squirmed in her chair, desperately resisting the urge to jump up again. “Hey, your Judgeness,” she said brightly, “that’s a really cute dress you have on, just like Judge Judy’s. She totally cool....”
“...Asperger’s syndrome,” shouted Tara, “that’s it!”
“Syndromes be damned!” screamed the judge, his face deep purple, “take her away!”
Chapter 7: The Scoobies in Turmoil
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