Buffybot Behind Bars
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: The summer before the start of season 6. Buffy is gone, Buffybot is doing her best to fill the gap.
DISCLAIMER: The only characters who belong to me are the ones you’ve never heard of before. Otherwise, I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in good condition, and only slightly used...
Chapter 12: Mrs Danvers and Miss Camermeyer
Buffybot was playing ping pong with Sal. Unfortunately, the ping pong balls were too brittle or something, and they tended to pop as soon as she hit them with the paddle. Buffybot sighed; this game really wasn’t much fun. Sal hit the ball to her, ping! She hit the ball back to Sal, phht! And there was a shower of little plastic bits all over the table again. Sal was trying to be nice about it, but Buffybot could tell she was getting annoyed.
“Perhaps we could play another game,” she said brightly.
Trixie snorted, and stepped over to dig Sal in the ribs. Sal dug back, hard.
“Maybe we could," said Sal pleasantly, “do you like cards?”
..............
Giles slammed the phone down with uncharacteristic vigour. While it was no doubt valuable in the longer term to have his knowledge of basic Tagalog refreshed, he was getting nowhere in the shorter term. The phone menu had first cycled from Cantonese to Urdu, before branching off to the Philippines when he pressed #9 out of morbid curiosity - but the underlying message (‘piss off’) was the same in any language.
His eyes narrowed as a thought came to him. If conventional methods didn’t work.... He grabbed up the phone and rang a number. “Hello, Peter? Rupert here, Rupert Giles. Fine thanks, fine - yourself? Oh good, good. No, no - nothing like that - although you could perhaps advise me... there’s a judge down in the lower court called Dennis Feltzer, Dennis the Menace, yes. I was wondering could you tell me who in the District Attorney’s office might - well, might hate him. Hmm, ‘everyone’ is a bit broad... yes... anyone in particular? Yes, someone who could throw a spanner in the works would be perfect. ADA Cindy Camermeyer? He did what to her? Good Lord, I can see she might resent that... yes. And how would I contact Ms Camermeyer. No, I’m afraid it can’t wait ’til Monday. No chance at all? Oh, it will get Mr Feltzer in trouble all right. You can? Good, I’ll wait to hear."
.............
Sal and Buffy sat at a white plastic table, a pack of greasy cards between them.
“....Whist?” Sal said.
“No,” said Buffybot, “will you teach me to play Whist?”
“Love to,” said Sal, “right after I’ve taught you to play Trumps, Poker, Canasta, Blackjack, Gin Rummy, Cribbage, Beggar Your Neighbor and Snap.”
“Great!” said Buffybot, “I love learning things!”
“Actually,” said Sal, “let’s start with Snap, that’s a nice simple little game....”
.............
"Miss Camermeyer," said Giles, "it’s tremendously good of you to see me at such short notice, and on a Saturday." He was sitting in Miss Camermeyer's office, a cup of English Breakfast tea balanced on his knee.
Miss Camermeyer smiled graciously. She was a neat woman, in her forties, dressed in a severe grey silk two-piece suit, despite supposedly being off-duty for the day. "When I heard what a very serious matter, what a very serious complaint, you had, against one our County circuit judges... this is a serious complaint isn't it?" She emphasized serious with a little hiss.
Giles leant forward in his chair, lifting his tea cup and hitching his trousers as he did so. "Yes, indeed, it is a very serious matter. It involves most improper practice on the part of His Honor Mr Feltzer, which I consider to amount to a miscarriage of justice. He has caused a vulnerable young woman, a young woman with a severe disability, to be exposed to the most dangerous of circumstances in an unclassified prison - in spite of being notified of her condition. I fear the Judge allowed his temper to carry him away."
"Not an improbable circumstance," said Miss Camermeyer. "Sadly. What disability does this young lady have?"
"Asperger's Syndrome, said Giles. "It's recognised in The Americans With Disabilities Act." He tapped the document case propped against his chair significantly. "The judge was entirely in the wrong to despatch her to an unclassified prison; she should be in the State Classification Center for psychological assessment. Both the Attorneys present are negligent not to have pointed this out."
Miss Camermeyer licked her lips. "Tell me, Mr Giles," she said confidingly, "are you so outraged by the County's actions in this case that you are intending to lodge a lawsuit against them very soon?"
"Absolutely," said Giles, "I shall pursue my action against the County, and particularly the judge. Justice demands it. Miss Bott will no doubt demand it, once she is returned to the bosom of her family. I intend to do so first thing Monday morning.”
"Aah!" said Miss Camermeyer. "and if I could act before then, to secure the release, or at least the transfer of this poor young woman, might you consider withholding your action against the County?"
“I fear not,” said Giles, “although, it might of course dissuade me from extending my lawsuit to include the District Attorney's Office."
"I see." said Miss Camermeyer. She stood, and shook Giles’ hand. "Let me make some phone calls, urgently."
"I would be most grateful," said Giles, picking up his document case, “I’ve made copies of the relvant papers, here,” he handed them to Miss Camermeyer. "And I’m very grateful fror your prompt action. Heaven knows what horrors that poor mentally confused girl has had to face already!"
............
Sal flipped over another card.
“Snap!” yelled Buffybot.
Sal breathed in deeply through her nostrils. “Your card is a nine of clubs, Buffy. Mine is a seven of hearts - no Snap. It’s only Snap if the cards have the same value.”
“I still said it faster than you,” said Buffybot, “I’m super fast!” She proudly turned over another card.
“That’s not the poin...” Sal looked up as Trixie thundered up the corridor towards them.
“Run!” shouted Trixie, “Miss Danvers is doing an unannounced visit! Hide! Hide!” She bolted towards the cells.
Buffybot looked after her, concerned. She turned to Sal, who was looking nervous but standing her ground. “Who’s Miss Danvers?”
Sal shuddered a little. “She’s the Recreational Development Captain; and the coach of our champion baseball team - and you do not want her to notice you, believe me. If you see her coming just sit very, very still.”
Buffybot peered down the corridor. A knot of warders moved toward them. At their head was a short bosomy woman wearing a hairy tweed suit. She had a shooting stick under her arm, and a monocle screwed firmly into her right eye.
Buffybot sat very still, as instructed. Miss Danvers did look a little scary...
Miss Danvers drew up by the ping pong table. She turned to Miss Bozell beside her. “No matches today, Miss B?”
“We’re awaiting a new delivery of ping pong balls.” Miss Bozell shot a hostile glance at Buffybot. “We seem to have got through the last batch rather quickly.”
“Ah,” said Miss Danvers. “Pity we didn’t have a larger stock, eh? Still, we live and learn, live and learn, and I’m sure you do your best, Miss B.” She patted the warden on the shoulder. Miss Bozell glowered. If there was one thing she hated, it was being called 'Miss B'. Of course, there was a lot more than one thing she hated, and being patted on the shoulder by Miss Danvers was one more of them. She had also developed a new hate just today - teeny, tiny, shiny, blonde-headed ping pong ball vandals.
Miss Danvers approached the card table. Sal sat with her cards clutched nervously in her hands. As Miss Danvers advanced she put a warning finger to her lips, and Buffybot nodded significantly. Miss Danvers stopped beside the card table and looked around her. “Hello, hello ladies how are we all? Everyone having a lovely time?" There were a succession of anxious smiles and nods. Miss Danvers nodded approvingly. "Super, super... carry on.” She stepped away and Sal let out a deep breath, one of her cards fluttering from suddenly nerveless fingers onto the table.
“Snap!” yelled Buffybot.
Miss Danvers’ head turned. She retraced her steps to the card table. “Oh, we have a new girl.” She smiled at Buffybot, displaying a set of impressively large teeth. Buffybot smiled happily back at her.
“I’m playing Snap,” she said.
“This is Miss Bott,” said Miss Bozell, eying Buffybot with distaste.
“Welcome, welcome!” said Miss Danvers, “I do hope you’ll enjoy your stay here. I like to view prison not so much as a punishment as a challenge to you.” Miss Danvers banged her shooting stick on the floor for emphasis, and Miss Bozell jumped back skittishly.
“Ooh!” Buffybot’s eyes widened, “I love challenges! Challenges are fun!”
“Hah! Good!” said Miss Danvers, “Splendid! Splendid! Splendid! I can see you’ll fit in here wonderfully, Miss Bott.” She gestured extravagantly with her shooting stick, and everyone standing to her right ducked involuntarily. “Here at Sunnydale Women’s Penitentiary we aim to offer our inmates a sense of identity - and security of course - in both senses of the word!” Miss Danvers gave a practised little chuckle, and Buffybot chuckled along appreciatively, “..and above all opportunity.”
Buffybot bounced in her chair and gave Miss Danvers her biggest smile. “That all sounds ever so exciting! It’s really a pity I have to leave on Monday!” Miss Danvers smiled directly back at her, the eye magnified behind her monocle appearing terrifyingly large.
Miss Bozell stepped forward, careful to keep well clear of the shooting stick. “Miss Bott is currently serving a sentence for contempt of court," she said, managing to inject a world of loathing into the words, "she has another hearing on Monday morning.”
“Goodness me!” Miss Danvers’ smile left her face abruptly, and she fixed Buffybot with a very hard, if lopsided, stare. “One shouldn’t show contempt for the rule of law, Miss Bott. It’s the institutions that hold society together. You should remember that.”
“Oh, I totally respect the law, and the institutions,” said Buffybot eagerly. “I think institutions are lovely!” She flashed a bright, bright smile at Miss Danvers. “Where would we be without courts and prisons, eh? Evil people would roam unchecked - because I’m not allowed to slay them!”
“Ah!” said Miss Danvers a little vaguely, “so true, so true... Well, I hope your Hearing goes well, Miss Bott. And if you can take that positive attitude with you, I’m sure it will.” She leant forward and her monocle glinted dramatically in the overhead neon lights. The rough tweed of her jacket brushed Buffybot’s arm as she banged her fist dramatically on the table. Sal yelped and dropped the rest of her cards. Buffybot’s eyes widened further.
Miss Danvers’ left eye, sans monocle, closed in a wink. “So, chin up!” She straightened, adjusted the stick under her arm, and strode down the corridor, bosom first, trailing her entourage behind her.
Sal gathered her cards again with slightly shaky hands and leant back in her chair. “You’ve made a friend there, Buffy. If there’s one thing Miss Danvers loves it’s a positive attitude.” She laid her hand over her left chest experimentally to check her heart rate. “Of course, five minutes into a pep talk from Miss D and most of us lose the will to live. You must make a nice change for her.”
“I think she’s great!” said Buffybot. “She’s so dynamic! And she has spectacles for only one eye - I never saw that before. How do you think she makes it stay on?”
“I’m guessing she has a very muscular eyebrow,” said Sal dryly.
.............
Giles strode along a Los Angeles sidewalk, head held high. There was always a way, if you were just willing to apply yourself to the problem in a sensible and logical way. He had one tame doctor writing up his case notes regarding Buffy Bott-Summers’ diagnosis and treatment this very moment, and a second medical appointment in just a few moments. Miss Camermeyer, meanwhile, was cutting through swathes of red tape with a flaming sword of vengeance. Giles nodded in satisfaction; he would be seeing Buffybot tomorrow lunchtime at the very latest. Everything was under control.
.............
Xander and Anya sneaked out to their car under cover of darkness, dressed in camouflage gear and desert boots; laptop and phone concealed in Xander’s knapsack. Willow and Tara, peering out of the window into the darkness, saw the dim glow of the car’s interior light, abruptly extinguished, then the cough of the engine echoed into the night, the car’s headlights sprang dramatically into life, and the car pulled stealthily away.
“Do you think this is going to work?” said Tara, anxiously.
“No idea,” said Willow, dropping the curtain back over the window, “but we need to get Bottie back, and soon.”
The phone rang, abruptly, in the silent house. Tara jumped, and grabbed Willow’s hand. They looked at each other. “Probably Giles,” said Tara, and she went toward the phone.
Chapter 13: Unexpected Consequences
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