Buffybot's Birthday Adventure
RATING: PG-13 for sex.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please, to [email protected]
PAIRINGS: None.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first - but I'm going to say yes.
PROPS: Miss Murchison and Chartophile for the beta. Thanks!
SPOILERS: None. This is set pre-season 6.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, but I’m just poking fun.
Chapter 21 - The Girl Scout Law
"Well, that was certainly thorough."
Giles, Arturo, and Dawn stood together, looking at the dismembered pieces of Podarge that lay scattered around the base of the tree. Tempestra had proved her axe wielding skills in a most decisive fashion. There appeared to be enough pieces on the ground to make ten harpies, not just one.
Arturo nodded, grimly. "Let's see her try and re-grow a head," he said, poking a harpy part with his foot. He felt his lacerated scalp tenderly, “Meanwhile, I really must work on that repulsion spell of mine. Two overhead attacks, and I took two hits. Quite useless.” He took his wand from the capacious pocket in his robe, and clicked his fingers. His wand grew to the size and thickness of a walking stick, and, leaning heavily upon it, he limped off after Tempestra and Buffybot, who were already striding off on the trail of the dinosaur, weapons in hand.
Giles turned to Dawn. "Shall we go and see if your pet demon can defeat an 8 tonne dinosaur in a foul temper?"
Dawn blinked down at the harpy parts, looking a little nauseated. "Hell, I've already been menaced by an ancient demon, a giant crocodile, and a huge flying naked scaly woman today. Add in Godzilla and I've nearly got enough for a basketball team." She reached down, slipped on her sandals, and took Giles's arm. "Let's go join the party."
As they left, a monkey appeared dangling upside down from the tree, pointed at the dismembered harpy, and gave a happy "ook!" Soon the whole tree was alive with simians, whistling and jostling each other, and the bravest came to earth, and poked the nearest bit of harpy with her foot. When nothing happened she puffed up her narrow furry chest and sounded a triumphant whistle. In a moment she was joined by her friends, all poking and sniffing at the remains, and in a short while the forest floor was alive with monkeys, quite literally dancing on their fallen enemy.
................
The giganotosaurus squinted sideways, just managing to focus on Acathla standing in front him. He roared, and bent forward to swipe at the demon with a mighty claw. Acathla stepped inside the blow and struck the dinosaur a huge ringing blow across the side of the head with the dead crocodile. The giganotosaurus shook his head irritably and glared at Acathla. Then he ripped the crocodile from the demon’s hand and crammed half of it into his huge mouth.
“Uh oh,” Acathla said, backing away towards the truck.
The giganotosaurus hunkered down, and chewed. Finally, three days after he had woken in this revolting place, and started an increasingly urgent search for something resembling a sauropod, or even a miserable tiny tenontosaurus to rip apart and consume, he had found a decent-sized meal. True, it was merely a crocodile, barely 30 feet long if that, but he was hungry, and it was better than nothing. He crunched through armoured scales and bone, keeping his red and angry eye on the annoying ant-like creatures in front of him. They'd better not try and steal his crocodile!
...................
Buffybot ran on through the dark jungle, her axe in hand. Tempestra had handed it back, after politely wiping the worst of the harpy blood from its blade, and she was hoping to find some way to make it count against the dinosaur. Her excellent hearing had already revealed where her companions had got to. Over the loud crunching and gulping noises made by the giant sauropod, she could hear the marginally quieter sound of assorted witches and demons arguing, violently. She rushed up to the truck.
"Hi guys!" she cried, patting Xander-dog's shaggy little head. "I just saved Mr Bombero from the harpy, and Mrs Bombero cut her up with my axe. Swish! Thunk!" She swung the axe illustratively, giggling. Xander-dog, who had jumped up to put his paws on her knee, flinched backwards.
"Are they here?" Tara peered anxiously into the darkness, "because we've got a plan to deal with the dinosaur ..."
"Of course, it's a bloody stupid plan," said Spike, "but that's only to be expected."
Tara flashed him an annoyed look, and continued, ".... but we need their help, and the piece of serpentine."
"Ooh!" cried Buffybot, her eyes round, "a plan! You're so smart, Tara - and Willow," she added as an afterthought. She swung around. "Here they come now." Her eyes gleamed. "Ooh! Are we going to hit the dinosaur with the crocodile?"
"Already been done," said Spike laconically, "by old Stonewall there." He gestured over at Acathla, who had retreated back to the truck as the dinosaur chewed and swallowed, and was now scratching his ear, a frustrated expression on his face. "And I don't think he had a Plan B," Spike added.
Anya sniffed disdainfully. "As I said before, what we need here is dynamite."
"And as I said before, plastic explosives are better." It was Giles. He turned to Tara and Willow, "But since we don't have any ..."
"...it will have to be a spell," finished Willow, looking rather pleased about it.
Giles rolled his eyes, and prepared to speak, but Willow and Tara had already rushed past him, and were in a huddle with Tempestra and Arturo. He drew an annoyed breath, and then headed over to join the party.
“Whoa!" said Dawn, staring at the giant dinosaur. That's even bigger than a T-Rex. What is it?”
Anya shrugged, "According to Giles, it's a gigantosaurus. A very big one."
“Actually," said Buffybot kindly, “it’s a giganotosaurus. But I'm sure a lot of people make that mistake.”
Anya scowled down at her. “You have an awful lot of facts in that little blonde tin can head of yours, don’t you?”
“I do!” said Buffybot delighted. “I have a whole Encyclopaedia in there, and several DIY manuals, as well as my Book of Wilderness Tips, which has been really amazingly useful!”
"Way to go, Buffybot," said Dawn absently, staring at the giant sauropod as he crunched down on his long-delayed dinner. "Eeew!" she said, pointing, "now that really is gross." For the dinosaur had reached the crocodile's head, and crunched down. As he did so, brains and eyeballs sprayed in every direction.
From his place by the truck, Acathla gave a disdainful sniff even as his stomach rumbled. The dinosaur's dining habits were distressingly wasteful. And he was hungry. He scowled. This planet, and his servitude to the Golden Sandalled Key, was sheer misery. He glanced at the huddle of wizards, witches and scholars. Pathetic - give him an insane world-wrecking psychopath anytime. At least they got things done.
................
Giles took a deep breath. "Now, is everybody ready?"
There was a chorus of assent, and then Acathla, Anya and Spike peeled off to the left, and began to creep through the undergrowth towards the oblivious dinosaur. In the trees above them, monkeys slipped through the canopy, brachiating silently from branch to branch with effortless athleticism, white patched faces intent. Tara, Willow, Tempestra and Arturo gathered round in a circle, and began to chant.
Giles looked at his watch, then made an abrupt chopping motion with his hand. "Now!" he cried, "Run, Buffybot!"
A second later the jungle to the other side of the dinosaur erupted in a cacophony of unearthly noise. Hoots, screams, and whistles from the monkeys, high-pitched hysterical barking from Xander-dog, terrifying Swedish yodelling from Anya, and what sounded like obscene football chants from Spike, all to the tune of a terrific booming rhythm as Acathla beat a hollow tree trunk with a rock. The head of the giganotosaurus swung round, and he roared, spraying bits of flesh and bone in every direction, and took a threatening step in the direction of the furore.
Buffybot ran like the wind, past the truck, and over all the broken forest litter, to where the back half of the crocodile's corpse lay in the huge shadow of the giganotosaurus. His enormous armoured head was still turned away from her, and she threw the piece of serpentine deep into the crocodile's exposed rib cavity and sprinted on past, out around in a huge arc, and then back to the party by the river, slashing at lianas with her axe as she went.
"Whee!" she cried, as the truck came into sight again. "That was fun!" Everyone stood around the truck in various attitudes, watching the dinosaur. "Has he eaten it?" she asked.
Tara bit her lip, "Just now. And I think it's working."
They peered through the branches at the oblivious dinosaur, as he swallowed the very last of the crocodile's tail. There was a shimmer starting to radiate about him, and as they watched it escalated into a whirling, and swirling movement in the air. The giganotosaurus's outline was beginning to blur. He roared suddenly, a huge eerie sound in the darkness, and looked down at his belly. A puzzled expression came into his red angry eyes, and then he abruptly folded in on himself, and folded again, and shrunk sideways and longways, until, with an audible pop, he was gone entirely. Leaves and litter swirled in the breeze for a moment, and then they settled to the ground with a gentle soughing noise, and all was quiet.
The gang, accompanied by the monkeys, crept out from their refuge by the truck, and stared at the place where the dinosaur had been. On the ground in front of them, in the centre of a vortex of leaves, was a piece of green serpentine, rocking from side to side.
"Anything Podarge can do, you can do better, dear" said Arturo, picking up the serpentine with a triumphant expression on his face, and presenting it to his wife. The monkeys all oohed enthusiastically as the couple embraced, and clustered around them.
Giles coughed. "A joint effort, of course," he said pointedly. "And Tara's idea."
"Absolutely," said Tempestra. "It was a fine example of a co-operative effort, and a credit to you all - to us all." She waved a hand to encompass not only the Scoobies, but also the monkeys, and Acathla, Spike and Anya, who were sitting rather sulkily at the other side of the clearing in a little demonic clump, regretting the lost opportunity to beat the dinosaur to death, or blow it up.
"And now," said Arturo, "we just have to solve the little matter of the temporal rifts, and all will be well."
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