Buffybot's Birthday Adventure
RATING: PG-13 for sex.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please, to [email protected]
PAIRINGS: None.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first - but I'm going to say yes.
PROPS: Miss Murchison and Chartophile for the beta. Thanks!
SPOILERS: None. This is set pre-season 6.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, but I’m just poking fun.
Chapter 22 - All Will Be Well
Morning
had broken in the jungle. A cacophony of insects was calling with a million
different voices, scraping and whirring and chafing their messages into the
water-sodden air. Giles sighed; he had a lot on his mind, and he had risen
early from his bed and slipped away to take a refreshing dip in the river.
But the thought of crocodiles had meant that he hadn't liked to linger in
the water, and he had no sooner stepped out of the water than he was soaked
a second time in sweat and driven under the trees by the relentless sun. He
set off back to the clearing, glasses slipping on his nose, and shoulders
hunched, slapping mosquitoes away from his face, and wondering if anyone
else was up yet.
.............
As soon as it was light, Willow and Tara had slipped away from the clearing,
and gone back to the crashed truck, where they'd wrestled a hub cap from one
of the wheels. Then they’d made their way down to the river bank, and buffed
it up to a glossy brightness.
"Are you sure it's in the river?" asked Willow, staring at the swiftly
flowing brown water.
Tara rubbed her chin. "No, but it seems likely. We both saw all that stuff
upstream and the big rifts seem to have been focussed here too." She stood
looking at the odd collection of items in her hands. Some herbs and roots
(which looked familiar, but whose taxonomy neither of them were entirely
sure of) her super-cool reflective sunglasses, Willow's boa, and a harpy's
feather, all tied awkwardly together with hairy jungle string. She leaned
down and placed the bundle on the metal hub cap.
"What are you guys up to?"
Willow and Tara jumped, and then turned. Dawn stood behind them, strappy
spike heeled sandals hung around her neck as usual, and Acathla looming in
the background as her silent guardian. Her expression was accusing. "You
always leave me out. Well, except when Willow wants to do blood magic, of
course."
Willow gave a little embarrassed cough. "Oh, hi, Dawnie. We're trying to fix
the temporal rifts. Before Tempestra sorts it all out with a wave of her
hand and Giles ends up in El Bombero's debt for ever. We think there’s a
spirit in the river doing stuff, and we‘re making it an offering of shiny
things," she waved the hubcap, "and hoping it‘s willing to come have a
chat."
She looked Dawn up and down. "Which gives me an idea ..."
Dawn stared back at her with deep suspicion, and fingered the plaster on her
elbow. "There will be no more bleeding of the Dawn, look what happened last
time!"
"Oh, I don't want your blood," said Willow, advancing towards Dawn, who took
an involuntary step backwards, "not this time."
...............
When Giles got back to the clearing he found Tempestra and Buffybot kneeling
by a neat campfire. They'd collected a dozen huge birds' eggs for breakfast,
and Arturo sat beside them, waiting for his omelette, swollen ankle propped
on a knapsack. Anya and Xander-dog sat some distance away, looking feral.
"Hello Rupert. Isn't it a lovely morning!" Tempestra cried. "Buffybot and I
were up with the macaws and out foraging." She smiled approvingly at
Buffybot, "What a wonderful scout this girl of yours would make! Bags of get
up and go."
Buffybot glowed. She'd been having a simply splendid time, quartering the
forest with Tempestra and the monkeys and learning lots of important things
about the local frogs, plants, spiders (all poisonous) and birds (not
poisonous, but quite capable of kicking you into the middle of next week.)
She'd picked up a few small dents, and some minor acid burns, but it had all
been great fun and very educational. What a pity Giles had been asleep, she
thought, he'd have enjoyed it too.
There was a familiar contemptuous sniffing noise. Buffybot turned and looked
into the shadows. With the rising of the sun, Spike had retired to a hollow
tree trunk covered in vines, deep in the undergrowth. He leaned against the
pillow provided by his hostess, a steaming cup of tea in his hands. "Give me
England any day," he said bitterly from his refuge. "Nice mild temperatures,
cloud cover most of the year, and no bloody cicadas and whatnot screeching
away. Plus proper milk in your tea, instead of this coconut stuff." He spat
expressively and poured the remainder of the mug on the forest floor,
causing Giles to wince.
But Tempestra was unfazed. "Funnily enough," she said cheerfully, as she
deftly fried a dozen eggs in a huge black pan, "This is England, more
or less. Well, as it would be if those tectonic plates had moved around a
little differently, anyway - and the monkeys hadn't ever got out of Africa."
She smiled at her simian audience, who were watching the eggs with a beady
expression on their faces, their whiskers twitching. "Arturo and I thought
it would be nice. We had our honeymoon in Oxford, you know."
"Don't recognise a thing," said Spike, glaring at the mossy, liana strewn
jungle floor. "Though Boadicea over there has gone native all right." He
pointed at Anya, who sat, her face re-anointed with woad, wet hair falling
in a wild tangle and Xander the hunting dog pressed against her side. She
was now absorbed in whittling arrows, having declared her intention of
finding some bacon to go with the eggs.
"As far as I can tell we're somewhere close to the junction between
Cornmarket Street and Broad Street." Arturo made vague shapes in the air,
suggesting Oxford colleges and bookshops.
Giles' lips quirked into a smile, "Very homey. Though I think I prefer our
Oxford. You can get a good pint around there." He looked around, "Where have
the girls got to?"
Tempestra waved an airy hand. "Oh, they went off to the river to have a
bathe, and then to sort out the temporal rifts. We had a very long chat last
night, and it gave them some ideas. They said they couldn't tell me about
it, because they needed to repay some favours to Arturo, without my help."
She glanced at El Bombero, who had stiffened at her news. "I expect they'll
be along soon. Girls always take forever in the bathroom, don't they?"
...........
Acathla nodded. “River spirits like shiny things.”
“Good!” said Willow, because ...”
“...on the other hand,” continued Acathla relentlessly, “they also like
drowning mortals, and making fanciful arrangements with their bones on the
river bed.”
“Gross,” said Dawn, edging away from the riverbank.
Acathla bowed, stiffly, “Actually, princess, I knew one spirit in Peru that
made an entire reconstruction of Machu Picchu just out of human finger bones
- very artistic. “ He sighed, “although she was also completely insane of
course.” He looked at Dawn, and spread his enormous stony hands. “If the
witches succeed in summoning a river spirit, the outcome is likely to be
their death. I suggest you come away from here immediately, Precious One,
and leave them to their fate.”
"I don't think we'll be killed," said Tara, not sounding all that sure. “You
see, while I'm sure our stony guy's the expert in normal circumstances,
there’s one big difference here." She took a deep breath, and looked at
Acathla, "Because I don’t suppose any of the river spirits you met in Peru
were girl scouts.”
.............
"We must go after them at once!" Giles made an agitated turn around the
clearing. "whatever is causing those temporal rifts is bound to be extremely
dangerous."
"Well, yes, probably," said Tempestra, "but as I said, they wanted to solve
it themselves, because of this silly business with you two," she indicated
Giles and Arturo, "and the favours."
"Bugger the favours," said Giles explosively. "Arturo can have me by the
short hairs for the next millennium for all I care, if it means everyone's
safe."
"In your dreams, mate," said Spike, smirking.
Giles ignored him. "Xander!"
Xander dog looked up, ears cocked. Giles pointed at the ground. "Find those
girls. Now!" Xander-dog rose, leaner, scruffier and wolfier looking than he
ever had been before. He set his nose to the ground and began to quarter the
clearing. And then his stubby little tail shot out straight, his front right
paw lifted, and he pointed into the depths of the forest.
"The eggs are done," said Tempestra mildly.
Giles spared her a glance. "Then we'll eat them on the way."
.............
"It might just as well have been my blood."
Dawn looked anguished, as Willow placed her golden high heeled strappy
sandals on top of the other offerings in the hub cap, and walked to the
river, holding it like a ceremonial dish.
Tara coughed rather self consciously, hands clasped together. "Oh hear me,
Friendly Spirit!" she cried. "We thank you for the many gifts you have
showered upon us .... and, um, we'd like to return the favor. We make you an
offering of, er, the fruits of this forest, and a precious possession from
each of us, as a sign of our gratitude. Oh, and also we - well, Tempestra -
killed the harpy. I thought you might like to know about that, so that's
what the feather's about. Um, and we'd like to talk to you, if that's
convenient. Um, in your own time. Whenever you felt like it. Please. The
rifts you're making are damaging the space time continuum, which is ... well
it's a bit complicated, but basically you're tearing a hole, and if it gets
big enough this whole planet might fall into it and that would be bad. So
we'd like to ask you, please, to stop making rifts and pulling things
through them. And in return we offer you," she closed her eyes and
swallowed, "these, err, really precious personal items."
Willow pushed the hubcap out into the river, where it floated like a little
raft. There was a silence, and then she swallowed a lump in her throat.
"Bye, bye, boa. I'm never going to find another boa as feathery as you."
"Bye, bye mirror sunglasses," said Tara, sighing. "I'll never be able to
afford another pair."
"Bye, bye, cool strappy gold sandals," said Dawn, a tear in her eye. "You
were half a size too small but I bought you anyway, because you were so
lovely. And I saved you from a crocodile, even though you crushed my toes,
and gave me blisters. I'm going to miss you."
The raft drifted away from them as the river flowed on. Willow and Tara and
Dawn stood looking at it, hoping for a sign. Time passed, and the raft grew
smaller in the distance until finally it was a disappearing speck, hardly
visible even if they strained their eyes.
"Well, it was worth a try," said Willow, after a long while. She took Tara's
hand, and patted Dawn on the back. "Can't win them all."
They turned and began to trudge back towards the campsite.
.............
The three would-be spell-casters trudged through the forest beside the
river, flanked by their formidable guardian, heads bowed.
There was a rustling and crackling, and a snapping of twigs. They all
tensed, looking ahead anxiously, and then Xander-dog bounded across the
clearing and launched himself at Willow.
"Xander!" she cried.
"Harrroooooo!!!" howled Xander-dog.
A moment later Buffybot appeared from the trees, and ran up to hug first
Tara, and then Dawn. Ribs creaked.
"You're all right!" cried Buffybot, "I'm so glad! And Giles was really
worried about you." Her face became solemn. "He swore."
Anya appeared next, running lightly through the forest, her spear balanced
in her hand, then Giles, sweating and red-faced, and finally Tempestra,
carrying Arturo in a fireman's lift.
Willow bit her lip. "We're sorry Giles, but it didn't work. We tried to
summon the river spirit, but it seems she's not for summoning."
Giles put his hand on her cheek, and smiled down at her. He looked over at
Tara and Dawn. "Oh you sweet, silly lot. Please don't ever scare me like
that agai.."
He was interrupted by a massive roaring and rushing sound, as the river
behind them swelled, and rolled, and then roiled up into a huge crescent of
water, towering impossibly high above them. Everyone took a hasty step back,
in case the wave broke and came crashing down on the bank, but instead it
trembled, and then solidified. After a moment the brown muddy water began to
fall backwards in a tremendous roar, peeling away from a domed, silvery
core, which rose up, and up, and up, and up.
Everybody's head tilted backwards, and further backwards still, as they
tried to keep the new monster's head in their sights. The silvery mountain
slowly resolved itself into a massive head, followed by an even more
massive, vaguely woman-shaped body, standing waist deep in the river and
looking at them with eyes as deep as wells.
"Oh boy," said Anya. "this one's even bigger than Godzilla." She turned to
Acathla. "Got anything to smack the Lady of the Lake here with?"
“Ah, said Tara faintly, “I didn’t realise a river spirit would be so....
big.”
Willow took her hand. “I guess it’s a pretty big river,” she said softly.
"Should we run?" asked Dawn, "We could run, that would be smart."
But Tempestra had stepped forward, beaming, "Eulalie!" she cried. "How
lovely to see you."
The creature's dark, wet eyes turned to gaze on Tempestra. A massive silvery
arm resolved itself from the shining surface, and a hand appeared, the size
of a small car, the little finger and thumb clasped together, and the middle
three fingers pointing upwards. As everyone stared, fascinated, at the
curious sign, a slit that might be a mouth appeared in the shiny smooth
surface of the creature's face and she spoke in a voice like the rushing of
a thousand streams.
"Dib, dib, dib, oh Troop Leader."
Tempestra held up her hand in turn, curved into the universal sign of the
scout movement. “Dob, dob, dob,” she said happily, “And I’m absolutely
thrilled to see that you've been keeping your Promise.”
Eulalie nodded, gravely, and began to move forward. The party on the bank
took an involuntary step back, even Acathla. She reached the shore, where
she began to waver, and shrink, her surface becoming a more and more intense
silver as the water she was made of was compressed and constricted into
something approaching solidity. After a timeless moment of inward flow, she
stood on the bank, a mere ten feet tall, and shining like the moon.
She nodded to Tempestra. "I have been keeping my promise. I've been
doing my best to help other people at all times, and to make the world a
better place. And I've been hard at work on my badges, even though you went
and disappeared and I couldn't get my homework marked." She blinked
reproachfully. "But I did what I could on each of them, and these last few
weeks I've been trying for my eclectic collecting merit badge."
"Super," said Tempestra approvingly. "You've been showing plenty of
initiative, I see."
Eulalie nodded. "Initiative, yes." She seemed to taste the word. "But these
little witches say I was ripping the space time fabric, so I've stopped,
because of the Girl Scout Law." She turned massive silvery eyes on Tara, and
blinked - very slowly. "And I know what the space time fabric is, by the
way, young witch," she said rather pointedly.
Tara gulped. "I'm sure you do."
"Big and slow doesn't equal big and dumb, you know." She reached a hand
inside her own silvery surface, and withdrew the hubcap with a huge liquid
finger. "And also now I have these cool sunglasses, and the lovely golden
sandals, and the skinned bird, and this shiny metal disc, I have nearly
enough objects for my badge, I think."
She looked at Tempestra, who nodded firmly. "Quite enough. Those together
with a treeful of monkeys, a rain of fish, a mountain, a coral reef, a
dinosaur and a demon's toilet certainly qualify you for the eclectic
collection badge. Well done!! And much nicer than the toe bones you
collected before."
Acathla looked at Dawn, an 'I told you so' expression on his face.
"You can have an amusingly concertinaed Jeep Cherokee and a crumpled pickup
truck, too, Madam" said Giles. "We'd be honoured to add to your collection."
Eulalie blinked again, and bowed. "Thank you - cars are good, although they
rust underwater." She looked sad for a moment. "Bones are better in a lot of
ways."
"But drowning people is not helping them," said Tempestra firmly.
Eulalie nodded, and then fished one of the roots out of the hubcap and
chewed it, her expression thoughtful. She took it out of her mouth, and
stared at it, looking disappointed. "I thought this might be liquorice. I
like liquorice."
"Ooh!" cried Buffybot, "I like liquorice too!" She bounced. She liked their
new friend's attitude, and she was already thinking about making her own
eclectic collection, even if she couldn't open temporal rifts, or get a
badge for it. Hmmm ... perhaps she could collect amusingly shaped
vegetables? Or potato chips in the shape of Abraham Lincoln, and all the
other Presidents? She'd read in the paper at the supermarket about someone
who had a collection of those, but they hadn't managed to get one of
President McKinley yet. Maybe she could go one better.
"I promise to mark all your homework, and award all the badges you've
qualified for, and also to fetch you some liquorice,” said Tempestra. "After
all, it's the least we can do."
Eulalie nodded, her attention still on the contents of the hubcap. She took
Tara's sunglasses, balanced them awkwardly on her nose, and draped the boa
over her shoulder. Then she stared dubiously at the golden high heeled
sandals.
"You can hang them around your neck by the straps," Buffybot said helpfully,
"that's how Dawn wears them."
"Thanks a lot, Bottie," muttered Dawn, who had been hoping Eulalie would
toss them back.
Eulalie reached up, and arranged the sandals around her neck.
Buffybot smiled approvingly, "you look very cool!"
"Thank you," said Eulalie, rather absently, and then she turned and stepped
back into the river, and began to sink, slowly spreading and liquefying back
into the river that had made her.
"Dear Eulalie," said Tempestra fondly, "I'm so glad someone has been keeping
the faith. Even if it did nearly destroy the world."
They watched the river until the last ripple had gone, then Giles cleared
his throat.
"And now that's settled," he said, glancing meaningfully at Arturo, "we
really must get home."
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