Buffybot's Birthday Adventure
RATING: PG-13 for sex.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please, to [email protected]
PAIRINGS: None.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first - but I'm going to say yes.
PROPS: Miss Murchison and Chartophile for the beta. Thanks!
SPOILERS: None. This is set pre-season 6.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, but I’m just poking fun.
Chapter 20 - Crash
"Allow me."
Giles looked up from his kneeling position beside Tempestra's buried body, into the stony face of Acathla. For the first time ever, he was glad to see him.
"Quickly," he cried, "before she suffocates."
Acathla grabbed the crocodile's tail and flipped it expertly off Tempestra, as Giles looked on anxiously. An immediate and mysterious smell of roasting meat blew over them both, and Acathla drew a deep appreciative breath. Tempestra lay on her back, still unconscious, steaming gently in the mud. Giles reached out a tender hand to touch her forehead, and then drew it back sharply. "Ow!"
"She'll need a cold bucket of water when she wakes up." It was Arturo, who had pulled himself rather shakily out of a large crushed rhododendron bush, and now leant over his fallen spouse. "She has to be paying attention to keep her heat energy under control. Which makes certain activities very interesting, and fraught with danger." He smirked a little. "Luckily, I thought to buy us a waterbed. Though even that brought a danger of scalding." He patted Giles' back. "And don't look so worried, Giles old man; she's an immortal Goddess, you know. It will take more than a giant flying crocodile to keep her down." He gazed down at the crocodile's corpse, which lay with its belly uppermost, now branded with the shape of a large hot goddess. "Interesting," he murmured. "I've got a pretty good protection spell in place, but I never thought to make it cover aerial bombardment by a giant crocodile." He got up, wiped a small trickle of blood from his face, and set off for the river bank.
............
Steam rose around them, and the truck's horn blared. BEEEEEEEEP!
Willow let out a long sigh. As the truck had hit the tree she'd cast a quick shielding spell, which had extended around herself, Tara, Anya and Xander-dog. They were all a little shaken, but unscratched.
Sadly, though, the spell hadn't reached far enough to cover Spike. He was in game face, his head resting on the centre of steering wheel, forehead pressed against the horn. With an annoyed 'tchah!' Anya grabbed a handful of bleach blond locks and dragged Spike's head backwards. The horn cut off, and Spike groaned.
"Careless idiot!" Anya said, her tone highly aggrieved. "Clearly I should have driven."
Willow rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, because that would have been so much safer." She put on an exaggerated Anya voice, "This pedal makes the car go fast."
Anya bared her teeth, terrifyingly white and sharp among all the mud and woad on her face.
"Nice spell, sweetheart," said Tara hurriedly, taking Willow's arm. "You saved all of us, including Anya and Xander." She patted Xander-dog, sneaking a quick look at Anya to be sure her words had hit home. Willow grinned at her.
Anya frowned. "I would have shielded my darling Xander with my body, if need be." she gazed down into Xander-dog's little furry face, and he licked her chin. Anya's arm tightened around him. "And if the idiotic vampire had kept his eyes on the road, none of this need have happened."
"You were distracting me. You and that flea-ridden ugly mutt." Spike spoke thickly, his eyes still closed. "And I think I've cracked a fang," he added, his tone aggrieved. "That's going to hurt like buggery every time I change face, that is. But otherwise I'm all right, thanks everyone very much for asking."
"Oh!" cried Tara suddenly, "but what about Buffybot?" She scrambled her upper half out of the truck window and gazed upwards. She gasped - for the roof of the truck was bare. Buffybot had gone.
..........
"Giles! Are you okay?" Dawn had appeared behind Acathla, rather out of breath. She grabbed him in a bear hug, crushing her golden sandals between them, and he staggered a little and stepped back, considerably muddier than he had been before.
"I’m remarkably well," he said, "considering I just got knocked cold by about 500lbs of crocodile. Which landed on poor Tempestra." He pointed at the prone body of the incarnated goddess, and the upturned corpse of the crocodile. Acathla had settled beside the scaly offering, and was ripping off a length of half cooked meat, and stuffing it into his mouth. The effect was not pretty.
Dawn's hand went to her mouth. "Oh man!"
"Is that what hit me?" Tempestra struggled up into a sitting position, and stared at the huge body on the bank. "Poor thing," she added vaguely.
"Tempestra, you're all right! Thank goodness." Giles hurried to her side, just as Arturo returned, with bucket of water in hand. They both sank to their knees beside her.
She smiled at them. "How sweet for you both to be worried about me, my darling boys. And thank you, dear." She patted Arturo's hand, and then took the bucket, and plunged her head into it, and out again.
There was a huge crashing and ripping noise in the distance, and she frowned. "More trees gone.” She got to her feet in a huge cloud of steam. “As soon as we’ve found Podarge, we must deal with that tiresome dinosaur. “But first,” she looked around her, "who's been throwing crocodiles at us?"
“That would have been me.” A very faint smile touched Acathla's blood stained lips as he gazed at the battered trio before him. "The crocodile and I had engaged in a fight to the death, when we were attacked by the harpy beast. I struck her with the creature as I battled to protect the Golden Sandaled One." He pointed at Dawn. "However, I humbly apologise for striking you in the process, oh Goddess."
Tempestra laughed and waved an airy hand. "Oh, think nothing of it," she said cheerfully. "These things happen." She looked around, "Dare I hope that you hit Podarge as well as us?"
"You bet - there were feathers everywhere!" said Dawn, enthused. "And she screeched like a steam train."
There was a terrible screech from the canopy above them.
"Just like that," added Dawn.
A battered, bloody and furious harpy descended out of the tree, fired a spray of white gunk at Tempestra and Giles, dug her claws into Arturo's head and shoulder, and took off again, dragging him upward with her.
"No!" cried Tempestra, trying to wipe ammonia from her eyes, her hair sizzling spontaneously, as Arturo was hoisted aloft.
"Don't worry Tempestra!" cried a familiar voice from the darkness. "I'll save him."
.............
The truck's engine coughed, and then died. Spike cursed, and turned the keys again in the ignition. This time the engine didn't even try to turn over.
"Useless sodding piece of Japanese shit!" shouted Spike, banging the steering wheel.
Anya rolled her eyes. "You drove it into a tree, Spike. The chances of it working after that are very small." She stood beside the truck, filing her nails with her spear point. Tara, Willow and Xander-dog had fanned out to try and track down the mangled body of the Buffybot, while Spike fixed the truck, and she stood guard. A sensible arrangement, except that the truck fixing did not seem to be going well. "I suppose you might have had better luck if you'd been driving a tank," she added casually, "if you can call it driving."
Spike cast her an evil look, got out of the cab, and threw up the battered hood of the truck with unnecessary violence. There was a screech of tangled metal, and it came away in his hands. Anya tutted, and with a curse he flung it into the jungle beyond.
"Look out, guys!"
Anya's head whipped around, to see Tara, Willow and Xander-dog charging along the path towards her. There was a terrible crashing and ripping sound behind them, and the horizon of green treetops abruptly vanished as a great swathe of forest was ripped up and cast aside. A huge reptilian head appeared, and Anya gripped her spear. "Is this truck ever going to start again?" she snapped at Spike.
He threw a harried look at the approaching monster, and then jumped into the cab again, and turned over the motor, as everyone piled into the passenger seat. The motor whirred uselessly. "Bugger, bugger, bugger!"
………
Buffybot ran forward into the clearing, axe raised, and flung it with great force. It swished through the air, tumbling head over handle, and struck the harpy’s right leg, just above Arturo’s head. The leg sheared off, and with a second terrible scream the harpy released Arturo from the claws of her remaining foot, and flapped higher into the sky, blood spraying.
Arturo plummeted to earth, as Buffybot raced forward to catch him. He landed in her arms, driving her backwards and down, and striking the ground with an ugly thump. The axe fell in a wider arc and buried itself upside down, quivering, in a tree trunk above them. A dozen monkeys erupted from the tree, hooting with alarm and scattering leaves and twigs in every direction.
“Ooh! Monkeys,” cried Buffybot from her place on the forest floor, pinioned under Arturo.
Tempestra wiped the last of the sticky poisonous gunk from her eyes, and struggled to her feet, cursing. She looked up at the sky, where the wounded harpy was still struggling to make an erratic course through the air, uttered a curt word, and beckoned. The harpy tumbled backwards, dragged on an invisible tether, and crash landed in the branches of the tree vacated by the monkeys.
“Whee!” cried Buffybot, excited, “you’ve got her!” She wriggled her way out from under the dark star-sprinkled robe that was pooled around Arturo, and scrambled to her feet, staring up into the tree where the harpy thrashed and cursed. She looked down at Arturo, who lay on the ground, claws from the harpy’s severed foot still fastened in his scalp, blood trickling from his head, his ankle folded awkwardly under him and his face terribly, terribly pale.
“And Mr Bombero is absolutely fine,” she said proudly. “I saved him.”
Giles was on his hands and knees, cursing, and wiping his eyes, but he managed to stagger to his feet and came to look at the recumbent wizard. “Indeed. Very well done, Buffybot.” He patted her on the shoulder, and looked down at Arturo. After a moment a faint smile tugged at his lips. He took a handkerchief from his pocket, and began to polish his glasses, grimacing at the gunk on them. “I do hope this isn’t what I think it is,” he said absently, looking at the white smears.
“Are you all right, darling?” Tempestra had come forward and was tenderly untangling the Harpy’s claws from Arturo’s hair. She gazed at the severed foot now in her hand, and sniffed contemptuously. “I see Podarge hasn’t cleaned her talons in months, if not years, let alone applied nail polish. She’s completely let herself go, without me to keep her in line. We’ll have to bathe your scratches in antiseptic lotion, Arturo darling, or you’ll be bound to get some awful infection.” She flicked the severed limb contemptuously aside, provoking another furious round of thrashing and cursing from the tree above.
The roar of crashing trees and splitting wood in the forest behind them grew louder, and a frown crossed Tempestra’s face. “And can someone please put a stop to that noise; poor dear Arturo is bound to have a headache.”
……………
Anya looked on as the approaching dinosaur filled the view from the windscreen. The jungle was thick all around them, the river lay behind. The prospect of escape was slim. Willow and Tara were muttering feverishly, trying to come up with a spell that could stop a rampaging 20 tonne monster, Spike was flooding the carburettor, and Xander-dog was cowering on the truck floor, his furry body pressed against her shin. She prepared to go down fighting.
A large figure stepped in front of the truck facing the onrushing dinosaur. His massive rocky back and enormous bull neck were outlined in the twilight, as he waved a great 30 foot long knobbly club, vaguely crocodile shaped, in front of him.
"Come and get it, fat boy!" cried Acathla. He hadn't had so much fun in ages.
..............
Arturo raised himself into a sitting position, shaking. “That axe missed me by a hairsbreadth!” he said, feeling his head with trembling fingers.
“Oh, it was an inch at least,” said Tempestra comfortingly. “And it was a simply splendid throw,” she added, smiling at Buffybot - who beamed back at her and puffed out her little chest. “Not one of my little Girl Scouts could have done better.”
"And I must have fallen a hundred feet!" Arturo shuddered. "I think my ankle's broken."
Tempestra felt the ankle with an expert hand, and he yelped. "No more than twenty feet, and it’s just a sprain," she said, "nothing a cold compress and bit of rest won't cure."
“Never mind your miserable ankle, wizard!” screeched the harpy furiously. Everyone looked up at her as she dangled upside down from the branch above them, thrashing in an invisible net. "That psychopathic little bitch cut off my leg!" She spat at Buffybot, who skipped neatly to one side. “Do you have any idea how long it will take me to grow that back? But it will grow back you know! Oh yes! And when I've got all ten claws again, I'm going to use them to rip your shiny little head from your scrawny chicken-boned body! Just you wait.”
"You're not going to get the chance," said Tempestra, an ominous note entering her usually jolly tone. And she walked over to the tree, and pulled mightily upon Buffybot's axe. It detached itself from the bark with a terrific creaking sound. Tempestra staggered as the force of her pull almost overbalanced her, then stepped forward again and began to swing the axe.
"I defy you!" screeched Podarge, and she spat again, straight down at Tempestra, spattering her on the hand. "Ha!" she cried, "Damn you, Tempestra! Damn you and your Girl Scout Troop! Damn you and your so-called Achievement Badges, which you doled out to your favourites and denied to those who truly deserved them! You should have died in that piece of serpentine as it dissolved in the crocodile's stomach juices, but you never did play fair, did you? Damn you forever!"
"The achievement badges were given out to conscientious demons that completed the appropriate course!" cried Tempestra, enraged. "You could never be bothered, you lazy brute! And fouling your own nest does disqualify you from the housekeeping badge, whether you're a harpy or not."
"That was cultural discrimination!" cried Podarge, incensed.
"No, it was basic hygiene." Tempestra began to steam once more, "And then you attacked me with magic, and tried to murder my darling Arturo, and even abducted this sweet little Bot, who never did you any harm in the world. All in all, you've gone too far." She swung the axe back again, and then, muttering to herself, "No, enough trees have been damaged already, must remember my Forest Ecology Badge," she tucked the axe into her belt, and began to scale the trunk, the tree shaking ominously under her weight.
"What are you doing with that axe?" cried Podarge above her, suddenly nervous. "You wouldn't .... would you? Tempestra! Remember the Girl Scout Law!"
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