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friends-home-words of wisdom-romance-humor-quotes-bio-contact-diaryland-my diary-my hearts feeling
my writings...
created 10/25/03; last updated:
The names of poems that have a "*" beside it, means that those are probably my favorite poems that I've written. I like all my poetry, but those hold a significant thing, I don't know...they just make me smile, and make me realize how much I like writing when I read those. They are just my favorites.
I don't usually let people read my poetry, this is the first time I'm really letting anyone read it, so I hope you enjoy, and give me some feedback, I'm always up to knowing what I'm doing wrong, or something particular that you like..:) enjoy :)
(Also, just so you know, even though some of my poetry may sound a little suicidal or hostile, I'm not that way. Everybody gets mad, this is/was just my way of expressing it, and getting rid of it. I feel writing down your thoughts, dreams, hopes, angers, madness, depression, whatever it is your feeling or wishing for, will make you feel better as a person overall...but thats just how i think :))
You Two
I try to explain, but you won't listen
I�m trying to understand what is missing.
I can't live a life I don't understand.
I can't do it alone, without the help of someone�s hand.
The more you put me through, the more I want to die.
Don�t you understand? I�m trying to explain why.
Every night I lie in bed and cry,
While you sit in the next room talking about my lies.
I can't handle you saying-'I�m doing this because I love you',
But if you really loved me, you'd let me explain the things I do.
To sit there and say, 'the two kids make or break our marriage', to a 16 year old child,
Is far from any punishment, whether strong or mild.
It broke my heart; it made me want to die,
Why can't you understand why?
I deserve to be punished; I deserve some kind of pain,
But I know whatever you do; it won't take away the stain.
I know what I did was a major mistake,
I�m not going to try to be happy about it, try to be fake.
I never want it to happen again, this one thing I know.
If only I could tell you why, if only it is able to be shown.
If only I could go back in time, to take away the things I�ve done,
Take away all the stuff I thought was fun.
I�m sorry, and I don't know how many times I can say those things,
But please forgive me, for now I know what this kind of 'fun' brings.
2/29/00
Life is something we need to figure out on our own. We can't keep running to everyone to solve our problems. Because sometimes, they might not have the answer. -2000
Things that happen in life always end up completely opposite than we want them to. 2000
Life something we can't understand. Run to other people with your problems, they may not always have the answer, or the answer you want to hear, but at least they'll listen!-2000
you
You try to communicate with people and you try to make them understand how you feel, but the harder you try, the more they choose not to listen. You can't explain why or answer their questions, its just how you feel, and people just can't comprehend that. Sometimes you feel you should open up and talk, but then they don't want to listen. And when they finally choose to listen to you, you don't want to open up, you don't want to talk. You want people to have sympathy, but then you want them to not care. You want that phone call, but you just want to be left alone. You want them to understand, but don't know how to bring it forth so they will understand, and listen.
You want to cry but you can't bring forth the tears. Your eyes and mind are dry, but full of ideas and thoughts that want to be shared.
You�re confused.
You�re not sure what you want to do next weekend, let alone with the rest of your life.
Your ready to leave home, but will miss the security of your parents there to make sure everything is okay.
You lead a life of broken heart-ness but want to live a life full of love and happiness. And end your life with love and happiness. You want that fulfillment.
You have people who look up to you, look down on you, and are at your same eyes level. You want people to look up at you, and those people that look down on you, you want them to be at your eye level, but even better, you want them to look up to you. You want to leave an impression and everlasting impression on their lives that they will never, EVER forget.
You want to be remembered.
9/00
She can't explain exactly why she feels the she does, she just does. There�s no explaining to be done. Why can't she just be who she is and everyone is happy with it? No one seems to be happy with that. And she can't understand why. She lives the life of any other teenager. She drinks, she smokes. But what�s different about her, is that she wants to stop. She doesn't want to have those addictions. And fears her friends just won't understand. She�s already lost one best friend and she doesn�t want to lose another. Friends are one of the most important things to her. She feels as if she's a girl in an unwanted world.
2000
You sit on the porch. You light up a cigarette, and you ponder on what you're feeling.
As you walk down the hallway, your eyes are open, but you're blind to what you see. You�re hoping to reach someone, but no one is there to hold on to. You cry, you scream, you yell as if your life depends on it, but no one listens.
You let your fingertips touch something, but you�re blind to what it is. You hope its something you can hold on to. As you try to grasp on to what is there, it falls, and before too long, you realize you just lost the grip to something important, yourself.
Your cigarette is done.
9/25/00
I wake up in the morning, I open my eyes, and think, 'oh great! another day in this wonderful world!' Have you ever been so fed up with everything, that you go to bed at night and hope and pray that everything that�s bothering you and all your problems, will be gone in the morning, but then you wake up only to find that they are still there? And getting worse as each minute passes by. You want someone to notice the pain you hold inside, but in so many other ways you hope they don't notice and hope in time it'll all pass away. But deep down you know what it will never change-well change without help. It will be there until something or someone removes it. Have you ever had that happen to you? Have you ever had an emotion in you, or wanted to say something to someone, but just kept it in you to boil, so you won't hurt anyone? But then you keep doing that, and soon it all boils up, and then that day will come when you feel like exploding and losing your mind. Have you ever felt that? Because I know I have.
9/27/00
Thank You
This is a poem from me to you,
Just to thank you for the things you do.
Thank you for the things you've helped me through,
I�m glad I have a best friend like you.
Thanks for listening to each and everyone one of my fears,
And for having your shoulder open to catch my tears.
Thanks for always making me laugh and smile,
And for helping me go that extra mile.
Thanks for helping me through the struggles I had,
And for all the memories, whether good or bad.
Thanks for listening to me talk about him
And for always going out on that extra limb.
Always remember that you�re my best friend,
My love for you has no end.
1998
The Last Goodbye*
A casual hello,
A silent goodbye.
You say no,
I ask why.
On with our lives,
Two different souls of mankind.
Silent, hopeless cries,
Hopes and dreams we both need to find.
What once was a long embrace,
Is now an endless stare.
The hopeful look upon my face,
Just isn't quite fair.
I reach for one last touch,
A final goodbye.
You say life is just too much,
But as your friend, I ask why.
You go on with your life,
I go on with mine.
Can we go on with this strife,
And let go of the love that once was so divine?
You say you�re scared,
But you�re not the only one.
I can tell in your eyes that you once cared,
But now is that care for me done?
When you�re near,
I don't know what to say.
I have so much fear,
Yet a little goes away each day.
You start to walk away,
But I glance at you for one last look.
Look away if you may,
But remember the piece of me you took.
Tears strolling down our cheeks,
A casual hello has turned in to no words at all.
We both know what our minds seek,
But you walk away, I begin to fall.
7/17/99
Tomorrows just a step away,
It leads right into today.
Yesterday was a blink of an eye,
As each day goes, a little of you dies.
You pass through the day, like you're in a race,
But what are you trying to hide from me, that look on your face?
Don�t run away too fast,
For on the way you could fall on your past.
1999
I want to tell you so many things,
In so many different ways.
I�m not sure of the words my mouth brings,
I�ve been thinking about this for endless days.
I want to make you understand,
But what can I do?
I want to hold your hand, but am it just because of my attraction to you?
I said I love you,
But did I really mean what I said?
Maybe those words weren't true,
Maybe they were just the sounds coming from my head.
Sometimes I just want to be with you.
But that�s just my insecurity shown,
What should I do?
Tell you I just want to be alone?
2000
You can't quite understand true love until someone shows you it.
I sit here with tearstained eyes,
Asking myself numerous times why.
Why do I do the things I do,
Because they only end up hurting you?
I sit here and think of the things I�ve done,
Your answers to all my questions are none.
I ask you to hold my hand.
But you keep saying you don't understand.
I want your help, to make it easier for me.
But what are the things you can't see?
Quickly yesterday is today, tomorrow turns into forever,
When will my fears be erased, never?
10/21/99
This is a poem to you from me,
Just a reminder of how much you mean to me.
You�re a great friend-
And I hope we'll stay this way till the end.
The love we had was so great,
But it was taken by fate.
My love for you will always stay,
And in a why-I hope it never goes away.
No matter who comes along in the path of my life?
I�ll always remember how you've helped through my strife.
I�ll always remember our great memories, and I hope you do two.
Always remember that I�ll always be here for you.
One more thing before I go,
There�s one thing you need to know-
Thank you very much for being you,
And for always helping me make it through.
1998 or 1999
What Will Tomorrow Bring?
What will tomorrow bring to me,
Will it be happiness or sadness I see?
What does the future hold in my hand?
Will anyone ever understand?
What does yesterday mean to me,
Will my life seems as to real to me as I want it to be?
What does the present bring to you?
Do you feel this way too?
1998
Wonder
I�m wondering whats going through your head,
I wonder about the words you've said
I�m wondering why you�re holding my hand,
I wonder if you actually understand.
I�m wondering if you'll be here with me day and night,
I wonder if you'll protect me with all your might.
I�m wondering why you chose to pick me,
I wonder when you look into my eyes what you see.
I�m wondering if you'll be here till the end,
I wonder if we'll just end up as friends.
1998
Life seems so unreal,
I never get to feel how I want to feel.
Each day goes by,
Passing me by, blindly, I just want to die.
Confusion and pain has taken over my soul,
I�m falling into this deep dark hole.
Blankly I look into your eyes,
For a second you look, but then you look away in surprise.
You run your fingers through my fair,
Feeling the hurt and pain that isn't so fair.
You feel the rejection I�ve gotten from you,
By me thinking the words you said were true.
You hold my hand,
But not for long, 'cause you realize you don't understand.
You don't understand what it feels like to get hurt time and again-
Especially when your happiness was about to begin.
1998
Bright Star
On that bright star
I wished tonight
That my pain would go far
Far out of sight.
I wish that the love I had
Could come back,
I don't want to be so sad,
All my happiness looks black.
1998
Don�t look on the bad of the past, but on the good of today, because it can only get better in the future.
Words are our most deadly weapon.
Reality has killed the dream I live.
No One Understands
No one understands what I feel inside,
I feel as if all the real me wants to do is hide.
No one understand the pain in my heart,
I�m wondering how this really began to start.
No one understands the fear behind my eyes,
Sometimes I wish I could say some final goodbyes.
No one understand the truth that hides in this smile,
Why doesn't anyone make me feel worth while?
No one understand how my life really seems to be,
Why can't anyone understand me?
1998
Ask Yourself
Stop what your doing, and ask yourself why.
Just stop everything, let time pass you by.
Put your life on pause, to see what has gone wrong,
Ask yourself what made you so strong.
Stop your daily routine, and just sit and think,
Ask yourself what makes you blink.
Ask yourself why God made you you,
And be thankful for the things you can do.
Stop smiling and laughing, stay and think awhile,
Ask yourself what makes you smile.
Stop what you�re doing, and just ask yourself this one last thing,
What will life bring?
1998
I�ll Show Them
I�m tired of not being able to smile,
And to tell you the truth-it�s been awhile.
I hate not being able to show everyone the real me,
And let them see what they want to see.
I�m tired of all this sadness,
And honestly, I want back my happiness.
I can't even remember the last time I wore a REAL, true smile,
And when somebody really made me feel worth while.
I�m tired of the way people always act so fake,
And now I�ve taken all I can take.
Tomorrow will be different from today,
I don't know how, but it'll happen some way.
I�ll wake up with a smile on my face,
And live up to this world's fast pace.
I�ll show everyone how I�ve erased this never-ending pain,
And show them how I�ve erased the left behind stain.
The stain of hurt, pride, jealousy, and things no one can understand,
Right from my heart to the tips of my hand.
I�ll show them how I can be strong,
And prove each and every one of them wrong.
Someday I�ll wear that true smile,
And show them that everything they've said is worth while.
1998
Why Aren�t You Here?
Why aren't you here to hold my hand?
Or to tell me that everything�s okay?
Why aren't you here to tell me you understand?
Or to say that forever you'll stay?
Why aren't you here to wipe away the tears?
Or to tell me that I�m beautiful everyday?
Why aren't you here to listen to me fears,
Or to tell me you love me in every possible way?
Why aren't you here with my every day and night,
Or to hold me close when I�m cold?
Why aren't you here to hold me when I have those chills of fright-
Or to be with me till we both old?
1998
I don't understand you,
Or the things you're trying to say.
I don't understand the things you do,
With each passing day.
I don't understand why you make me smile,
Or why I can't keep you off my mind.
I don't understand why you go an extra mile,
To help me look for what I need to find.
1999
I Fear
I have only a few fears,
But every time I think of them I break into tears.
My biggest fear has to be the end,
When no one has happy thoughts to lend.
I fear tomorrow and the rest of my life,
And the fact that all I have I strife.
I fear I will never again find happiness,
And always be left with this sadness.
I fear that I will never be able to wear a smile on my face,
And this world will never slow down its pace.
I fear tomorrow and the next day,
I fear all the words I have to say.
1998
Used To Be
We used to be the best of friends,
I�m confused because I don't know what it has to end.
I don't understand why you're so mad,
I didn't even do anything that bad.
It seems like just yesterday you were my best friend,
And then in a spilt second it all came to an end.
I didn't do anything to you,
Except be a friend to talk to.
Why all of a sudden am I nothing to you?
Just tell me one thing-what did I do?
1999
If you think about life and all of its complexities, it�s really complicated to understand. Life today just isn't what it was when we five, it didn't have all these mixed up things and emotions. We didn't have the choices to make then like we do now.
The older you get the more complex your life is-but yet it gets simple. In elementary, our biggest worry was acceptance. In Jr. High, it was homework. In high school, it was college. But no that some of us are older, or the rest of us are on our way, it is money.
Life is too complex. Such a simple word with a deep definition.
2001
Taking Steps*
Taking steps towards our futures,
Holding back our biggest fears.
Taking steps to an unknown place,
Hoping there will be no more tears.
Taking steps up hill-
To a place so unfamiliar to all
Taking steps unheard of,
To find our place in this world after all.
Taking steps into the past,
Not wanting to grow old.
Taking steps in decisions-
Leaving the rest of life in the cold.
Taking steps to heaven,
Hoping to never fall.
Taking steps to tomorrow,
Finding our life�s true call.
Taking steps for the future-
Ready to take on another tomorrow.
Taking steps through time-
To get rid of the sorrow.
Taking steps downhill-
To learn important lessons in life.
Taking steps to regain strength,
In hopes of losing our strife.
Taking steps towards our futures,
Holding back our biggest fears.
Taking steps to un-known place,
Hoping this place helps in our upcoming years.
12/29/00
Second Looks
I didn't see him today. I went with hopes of seeing him, and left with the disappointment of being let down. It�s not like he told me he was going to be there. It�s not like we even talk. I just thought it would be nice to just get to sit by him again. I miss him. It�s been 3, maybe even 4 years since our relationship and at least one year since I said no. and I still can't get over it. Maybe because he was my first love, my first for a lot of things. I don't even know why I�m even thinking about him, it�s not like I�ll ever have another chance with him, and he has someone now. But it would still be great to just kiss him one more time or hold him. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, about us, about what we had. I know he cares, or at least he used to, I just wonder if he does anymore. I hope and pray he does, but a little of me hopes and prays he doesn't. Why do drugs always fuck up things? They sure as hell haven't done anything good for me-just caused trouble. That�s for sure. so yeah, I miss him, and I will/would take him back in a second, but I WILL NO, I repeat WILL NOT depend on that. I will move on WITHOUT him. One night, again, it will be 'no batteries included'!
1/28/01
Sometimes we just need to let go, we can't hold on to the things from the past, when in all reality, all it did was cause us pain. We can't hold on to what we've done or how things used to be. And we can't look to the future and think of what we should do or how things should be. We just can't. It�ll cause us and everyone around u s pain. Don�t dwell on the things of the past, and don't be expectant of the things of the future. But just think about today and what�s in front of you.
Smile because sometimes it�s the only thing that helps.
2001
Isn't it weird how you think your life is right at the point you want it to be, and your heading down the right path to your successful future...but then something unexpected an/or drastic happens, or then someone unexpected comes into your life, and it changes everything? Weird isn�t it? It makes you look at things from a whole new point of view. And you�re just not sure why it does that....weird....
3/4/01
My Spirit
Blankly I stare into the sky,
Goodnight, its time to say goodbye.
My vision is blurry, everything�s turning black,
Now there�s no turning back.
No more happy hellos,
It�s my time to go.
Don�t try to stop me,
Because it�s done you see.
I�m gone now, and there's nothing you can do about it.
I left this world where I just didn't fit.
You never loved me anyway,
You lied to me everyday.
Goodbye, see ya later,
My breaths are getting fainter.
Don�t miss me, 'cause I know you won't,
Don�t try to say you love me, because I know you don't.
The cut is deep,
I�ve taken on last giant leap.
Goodbye, my friends
This is the end.
The end to this lifeless, worthless girl that is now found.
My body's laying here, but my spirit's still around.
-?-
Making A Stand
Making a stand
Is something I have to do.
Making people understand,
People like you.
Making a stand,
For what I believe.
Making people understand,
It�s not time to leave.
Making a stand,
For what I see.
Making people understand,
Why I am me.
1999
Tomorrows just a step away,
No turning back for you could stray.
Yesterday is just a memory turned into a teardrop,
No looking back at it, for you could stop.
Keep walking, go straight ahead.
Forget about the things people have said.
Ignore the things of today,
Crumble it up in a ball, and throw it away.
Don�t think about your pain.
Eventually away will go the stain.
Forget about all the promises made,
Keep going ahead, accept no trade.
Hold on to your hopes and your dreams,
Let go of your fear and thoughts as they seem.
Never stop to look back at the past,
Because those tears you have, forever they won't last.
Why live on yesterday,
When you have today?
9/11/99
Imaginary Words*
How can you say you love me,
When you haven�t even made my heart race?
How can you tell me what I see,
When you haven't even seen my face?
How can you say that time will bring me to you,
When I haven't even been able to make a choice?
How can you say your words are true,
When I haven't even heard your voice?
How can you say you want to hold my hand,
When you don't even have the key?
How can you say you understand,
When you've never been near me?
How can you say these imaginary words to me,
When my face you haven't even seen?
1999
Without the joys of life, we can never really live.
9/19/99
Let go of the past, hold on to what you have, because before you know it, it'll be gone
9/19/99
Confused*
I�m confused about life,
Confused about why I have so much strife.
Confused about why I have to live another tomorrow,
Confused about why God has given me so much sorrow.
Confused about what�s right or wrong,
Confused whether or not I can stay this strong.
I�m confused whether I�m happy or sad,
Or if it�s neither and I�m just mad.
I�m confused with the look I see in my eyes,
I�m confused enough to say a last goodbye.
Confused about all the pain I�ve gotten from so called 'friends',
Confused about why this confusion won't end.
Confused about life itself,
I�m confused about why I�m always by myself.
I�m confused about the world today,
Confused about whether or not I have the right words to say.
Confused about the choices I have to make,
And whether or not I have chose the right road to take.
Confused about my and friends,
Confused about school and I just want it all to end.
Confused about all the anger we have each other,
And why we just can't get along with one another.
I�m confused about why I have to take a stand,
Confused why there are so many choices place in the palm of my hand,
I�m confused about so many things,
Confused about the words my mouth seems to bring.
Confused about why everyone has to fight,
Confused about everything that�s in my sight.
Confused about boys and their worthless words,
Confused about what life will be like afterwards.
I�m confused about these endless teenage years,
Confused about why I have so many fears.
Confused about the way I feel,
And why this wound in my heart won't heal.
I�m confused about life and everything that�s in it.
Confused about why sometimes we just don't fit.
I�m confused what life has to give and take,
Confused about why everyone acts so fake.
I�m confused why it�s so hard to make it through,
And why I get no help from you.
I�m confused about life,
And why I have so much strife.
1998
Moving Forward
Moving forward is what I need to do,
Let go of me and you.
You say this is the end,
But we can still be friends.
But tell me why
We both are living a lie?
Nothings changed, it all seems the same,
This life we're living is so lame.
As I walk into the memories of me and you,
Only a few I see.
Moving forward onto tomorrow door step,
Only one more jump left.
Looking onward, not to yesterday,
Not focusing on today.
But moving forward to tomorrow dreams,
And the way life should seem.
9/28/99
Mirror
Blankly I stare,
Into the empty mirror.
Into these dark, brown eyes I look,
Nothing but empty, useless space.
There�s no point for me here,
Goodbye, see ya later,
For this child�s life has come to an end.
9/28/99
Who Out There?
Who out there wants to hold me,
Who out there wants to wipe away the tears?
Who out there want to help me see,
Who out there wants to listen to my fears?
Who around me wants to stare into my eyes,
Who around me wants to show me happiness?
Who around me wants to help me say goodbye,
Who around me wants to take away my sadness?
Who over there wants to take my confused away,
Who over there wants to help me let go?
Who over there wants to stay,
Who over there wants to know?
9/29/99
Girl
This girl walking down the hall,
Just wants to let go and fall.
She opens her eyes,
But the things she sees are full of surprise.
You think she is happy, but really she's ready to die,
She wants to stop living a lie.
She dies with each step she takes,
And with each fake smile she makes.
9/29/99
Sometimes I wish yesterday was today, and tomorrow was yesterday. I always think I know everything about anything. I don't know shit. I don't know what will happen today, tomorrow, or even the rest of my pathetic little life. Sometimes I lay in bed, and wish when I close my eyes that I�ll never again open them. I wish that I knew what God had in store for me, and why he is letting this happen to me. No one else be me. I sit here with my cigarette in one hand and my pen in the other. Writing whatever comes to mind. I wonder if this is how I�ll end up-in a broken down, trashy, dirty, nasty old apartment, 30, single, with an empty bottle of vodka to drown my sorrows, a empty cigarette pack, and this same pen in my hand, writing my thoughts, my dreams, down. Or in the future, will my dreams come true? Will I be in an office, with my own personal secretary, given up my smoking and drinking addiction, have an awesome husband with two little girls and 1 little boy, a happy family, with a huge house, in the suburbs. Who the fuck knows? God knows. Why can't he show me. I�m always so afraid to tell anyone my feelings. I�m afraid to open my heart to the one person in the long run will just break it into a million and one pieces. I wonder what the rest of high school's gonna be like. I wonder what the rest of my life is gonna be like. I guess I only live once, so why not live it to its best. Why not drink all I can? Why not get high every chance I get? Who gives a fuck about me anyway? I sure as hell don't. My cigarette is gone now, only 2 left in the pack. Better save them for the ride to work. My last and final thought: fuck life, fuck everything, fuck this god forsaken planet we call earth.
2000
You Say
You say you care, but I know you don't.
You say you can understand, but you won't.
You run my life,
And I sit here and mope in strife.
You control my actions, like I�m a robot-
But guess what-daddy�s little girl does have her own thoughts.
But hey, you don't care, do you?
You don't wan tot know my opinion on anything-I know.
I screwed up, yeah, but listen to what my actions show.
No more talking, or eating, or sleeping, just silence towards you.
Watch my every move, you might understand the things I do.
Then you'll know,
Know why I�m me, and why I just want to shout NO!
1999
The empty bottle of vodka,
The smoken cigarette.
The broke heart,
The endless tears,
One more drink-
Now it�s all come to an end.
The gun lying beside me,
Only one bullet left.
I hold this gun in my hand,
Looking over it for one last look.
Will I still go to heaven,
If I took my life on my own?
Oh, there it goes,
Goodbye to me.
When they find me,
There will be nothing left.
Except two things in my hand,
The gun,
And your picture.
8/5/99
Do You Know How It Feels?
Do you know how it feels to reach out, but have no one there to grab your hand? Do you know what it feels like to cry but have no shoulder to cry on? Do you know how it feels to want to let someone know how you feel, and to air out, but then realize there's no ears there to listen? Do you know how it feels to wake up one day, and not know who you are anyone? Do you know how I feel to not know what happened to the sweet innocent person you used to be? Do you know how it feels to want to leave but have no where to go? Do you know how it feels to reach out for help, but no one lends a hand?
6/21/00
A Day*
Today is another day. A day I�m thankful to live through. A day just like yesterday, a day that could be just like tomorrow. A day that speeds by too fast-but is going too slow. You want it over, but never want it to end. A day that I�m happy to be a part of. A day I�m glad god made me for. A day to make us all stronger, weaker, tougher, meaner, more kind. A day for us to smile, a day for us to cry. A day for us to experience love, lost hopes, sadness, happiness. A day for me and the rest of the world to realize how great we really all are. Today-a day. A day to dram, a day to wonder, a day to amaze, a day to witness. A day to share, a day to hold on to. A day that we need to take everything from, because we may not be able to live another day like it. A day to smile. A day to frown. A day to think. A day to be goofy, and day to be serious. A day to tell someone hi or I love you, just to make them smile or to make their day. A day to be simple, a day to be complicated, a day to be simply complicated :) a day to have faith. A day to pray. A day to fall in love. A day to make a new friend. A day to take a picture. A day to never be forgotten. Another day to be just you.
7/9/00
Secret Place
I have these thoughts in my head,
Only I know what they have said.
They�re held in my secret place in my heart, which has no end or start.
There�s pain that has been left far behind,
That�s the last thing I want to find.
I tucked it away deep inside,
In that secret place where everything hides.
There�s this love that I�ve received and took,
That will never get a second look.
Its help in my secret place,
With no soul or even a face.
1998
I wanna go back to the days where money meant nothing, and responsibility was a word I could even pronounce. It didn't matter what I was wearing or who I was friends with. I wasn't scared of my future, but excited about it. I wanna go back to the day when I could play in the leaves after school, ride sleds and build snowmen in the winter-play for endless hours in the summer. I want to go back to when I wasn't tired all the time-when I didn't need a job-because of course then, money wasn't an issue. I just want to go back.
1999
He has become everything to me....he completes me. He�s that phone call at the end of the day that I look forward to. He�s the security. He�s that strength. He wipes away the tears. He hugs me to make the world better.
8/13/01
We all have those moments, when we feel like we're falling apart. Like the world is collapsing beneath us. I guess a lot of mine has been lately. I want to stay strong and keep the faith even stronger-but how long can I stay strong? I keep convincing myself and telling myself I am strong. But I think in all reality I�m falling apart-piece by little piece.
1/30/01
Who Am I?
What have I become?
What kind of person have I turned into?
So many questions, no answers to follow along.
I�m confused....where do I stand?
Where do I belong?
Who am I?
Where am I?
2002
A time to move on, a time to let go.
A time to speak, a time to say no.
A time to weep, a time to die,
A time to hope, a time to lie.
A time to look, a time to dream
A time to wonder, a time to scream.
A time to move on, a time to let go.
8/11/00
It Doesn't Sound So Fun, Does It?
Have you ever looked at life, and thought about all its complexities? All its things that are around it.
Have you ever looked into a middle-class teenage girl's life, and wondered why or how she got where she is? Why does she have the friends that she does. Do you realize what she has to live up to, what kind of things she holds inside of her? Do you see the pain and hurt and envy she holds in her, in her mind and in her eyes? You could see it, if you really looked.
Have you ever looked at that girl who was with the 'popular crowd', who everyone knew? Did you know that this girl really isn't who she portrays herself to be? She's just like that girl sitting in the corner by herself. She's just like that girl who makes a stand. Because she does. She's sits by herself sometimes, maybe not in school, or around her friends, but she sits by herself, and she cries. She makes a stand for what she believes in, but no body listens.
Have you ever thought about the fact that she might feel like a failure to all in society because she had a couple of beers and screwed up a couple of times? Have you ever stopped and watched her? Watched the tears in her eyes well up, because she's thinking about those mistakes she made, all the things she's done.
Have you ever sat beside her and talked to her, noticing the pain and hurt in her voice, with every word she says? Have you ever looked into her eyes when she sees the person she was in love with, fell in love with, but then got dicked over by? Have you ever seen the hurt in her eyes that she's received from her friends? One friend in particular.
Have you ever just stopped and listened? Because really, that may be all she needs. Is just for someone to stop, and listen. Listen to her cry, listen to her fears...someone to become her friend. Someone to not treat her like shit behind her back, but then act like her best friend to her face.
Have you ever?
Because I have. You know why? Because I am that girl, I am that middle-class teenage girl who hangs out with the 'popular crowd'.......
It doesn't sound so fun, does it?
12/30/2000
Him
Sometimes there are things in life that you can't understand. You want to let go, but you want to hold on. You try not to get too attached, but yet every time your with eachother, you know your beginning to like him more each time. You want to understand, but you want to make him understand. You want more then just a friendship, but know you need only a friendship. You want him to know who you really are, but your afraid to let him know.
He helps you be you and you just can't understand how. He puts the smile back on your face, he puts away the tears, and if there is tears, he wipes them and away and listens.
He helps you become a better person. He helps you remember who you really are. He makes you forget your problems. He reminds you of the people that love you-but you just can't understand how or why he does that.
You look forward to the very moment he calls, every moment you get to see him. You remind yourself more and more everyday that you just friends.
He watches out for you, he makes sure you don't fall. But is he doing this to help you, or help him?
You two are together, yet your not. Your 'just friends', but you wouldn't 'date' anyone else.
He means a lot to you and for some reason he seems different. You don't mind him talking about the Bible, you don't mind the little things he does.
He helps you grow.
He makes you heal.
He knows just what to say, when to say it.
He helps you.
5/1/00
My Halo*
My halo has fallen off,
And its laying on this cold dark floor.
I�ve coughed my last cough,
And I�m approaching my last door.
My halo has been stepped on,
My hearts torn to pieces with each step.
All my fun I look upon,
And all the memories that I�ve kept.
My halo breaks as it falls.
A million little pieces all over the place.
Its kind of like the walls,
Of my so called face.
My halo will never be put together,
Just like my happiness.
I feel as if my pain lasts forever,
Along with my sadness.
I crawl to my halo on the floor,
Too many steps, it seems so far away.
I realize I can't take it anymore,
And I know I can't stay.
I can't stay here anymore, in this cold, dark place.
'cause my halos fallen off my face.
1998
Pain, Death, Sorrow
Pain, death, sorrow
I feel as if there's no tomorrow.
I want my life to end, I want no more pain again.
Death is my only wish you see,
Grant me this one wish and I�ll leave you be.
Everything is black and full of sorrow,
I don't want to live another tomorrow.
1998
Voices
Voices I hear inside my head,
I lay in bed, and think of what they've said.
I think of how they made me smile,
Then I wonder if everything is worth my while.
1998
Invisible Girl
When I cry with you, no tears you will see.
When I breathe near you, there's no air for you to feel.
When I talk to you, no words you'll hear.
When I follow beside you, no footprints will be left behind.
When I smile at you, no happiness will fill your heart.
When I laugh with you, no noise will come out.
When I shout at you, you won't turn you head to see what its all about.
When I touch you, you won�t feel me.
When I kiss you, you won't feel my lips.
When I move towards you, you won't feel my touch.
Because I�m the invisible girl.
1998
Borrowed Kiss
As we were together tonight,
I felt as if life was back in my sight.
Me in your arms, you in mine,
It seemed as if everything was fine.
I felt safe and wanted by you,
And it seems you felt that way too.
I stared in your eyes and you looked back into mine,
But I knew that this would end in time.
As you walked me to my door,
I knew this night was over, and now I just want to drop to the floor.
I know everything will be back to normal tomorrow,
And I now realize, it was just my kiss you wanted to borrow.
1998
This Smile
This smile upon my face,
Is just a show for this place.
Inside I have so much pain,
I feel as if I have nothing to gain.
Inside I�m cold and full of hate,
I�m no approaching the last gate.
I feel as if my night mare won't end,
And no one has happy thoughts to lend.
Upon my head I wear the death crown,
And I have nothing on my face but a frown.
The colors in my eyes,
Are now taking me by surprise.
Everything moving in circles now,
Upon its face I see a scowl.
Now the end has come to me,
And this is just how things should be.
1999
I sit here with a blank stare,
With no hopes or even a single care.
Each day is passing me by,
Too QUICK, I can't even ask why.
I wish a hope for something new,
Something that makes me not thinks of you.
I take a peek into my soul, my face I see there,
Without a smile or an ounce of care.
Deeper I look, but nothing I see.
There�s nothing inside of me.
1998
Take A Peek
Open my heart,
And take a peek.
Look at where life starts,
Find what you seek.
Look into my life,
Look at what I have to live up to.
Look and see all the strife,
And see what pain can do.
Look into my face,
See why my pain is so real.
See the things that make my heart race,
And see what I really feel.
1998
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