SURFACE FEELINGS

Surface feelings are important because they are potent cloaking rituals which everyone uses in order to cover up his or her difficult deep feelings. The surface feelings always relate to sameness, that is, some sought-after copy of past experiences, experiences that most often lie beyond the reach of conscious memory. Surface feelings imply control.

Control

The word "control" comes from a Medieval Latin term which, back then, meant "second scroll" and today means "carbon copy" or "xerographic copy." When I exercise control, I attempt to turn myself, other people or the world into a copy of some preconceived blueprint in my head. The catch is that I am probably unaware of exactly what the blueprint in my head is. I may even be unaware that I have a controlling blueprint in my head. But I "know" immediately when that blueprint has been fulfilled or violated by me, other people or the world because my surface feelings tell me so.

If I find myself, other people or the world violating my blueprints, then the anxiety group of surface feelings emerges first. Next, if I make an inner effort to force other people or the world fulfill my blueprints, then the anger group of surface feelings shows up. On the other hand, if I make an inner effort to force myself to fulfill my blueprints, then the guilt group of surface feelings appears. I may fulfill my blueprints through my own effort. Then the pride group of surface feelings follows. On the other hand, the presence or efforts of someone or something else may fulfill my blueprints. Then the feeling "good" group of surface feelings sets in.

There are many surface feelings. They are divided into five groups. Each group is named for its most representative member.

The Anxiety Group of Surface Feelings

  agitation       insecurity   pining
  anxiety itself  longing      thrills
  excitement      nervousness  worry
  fretfulness     panic

Anxiety is often described as a feeling of apprehension, dread or impending doom. This felt-sense pervades all forms of anxiety, even the "positive" ones like excitement and thrills.

The Anger Group of Surface Feelings

  anger itself    fury              feeling offended
  annoyance       holding a grudge  feeling peeved
  bitterness      grumpiness        rage
  blaming         hatred            resentment
  boredom         hostility         spite
  feeling cross   feeling irked     tantruming
  disappointment  irritation        vengeance
  dislike         jealousy          violence
  frustration     feeling let down  wrath

Anger comes in many forms ranging from mild to extreme. Types of general anger include boredom, dislike, annoyance, grumpiness, feeling cross, feeling peeved, feeling irked, irritation, feeling offended, anger itself, blaming, hostility, resentment, hatred, wrath, rage and fury. Bitterness, harboring a grudge and spite are long-term forms of anger. Tantruming and violence add physical action to anger. If the way to your wishes is blocked, you feel frustrated. If I fail to do what you want, you feel disappointed with me or let down by me. If I do what you want but I do it for someone else instead of you, you feel jealous. (Jealousy is always a three-handed game.) The worst form of anger is vengeance.

Counselors used to follow a clinical rule that said, "Get the anger out." That rule was a mistake. Acknowledging anger, or on one of its variants, merely teaches people to be angrier. Because cloaking can cover up anger in addition to the deep feelings, these angrier people became somewhat less unhappy when they expressed their anger. But their benefit stopped there because the cloaking rituals in these angry people continued to cover up deep feelings.

Anger is a cheap way out of acknowledging your deep feelings. Your anger always tells other people or the world that they should be different or should have been different in order to suit your wishes. So you always direct your anger outward, away from yourself. (If you direct anger at yourself, such anger is more properly termed guilt.) Anger is a universal cloaking ritual against the deep feelings. Everyone knows how to use anger to hold back his or her deep feelings. Consequently, we have the Anger Principle:

Anger (or another member of its group)
always covers up
a shy, tender or vulnerable feeling.

And there are no exceptions to the anger principle.

What do you do with anger? Use your anger! The presence of anger or its variations signals that you are holding back a difficult deep feeling. Search out that deep feeling and acknowledge it. Then your anger will vanish because it has lost its job, namely, cloaking your deep feelings.

As you pay more attention to your anger, you'll become quick enough to notice that difficult deep feelings emerge a split second before your angry ritual cloaks them.

If you have no clue about what's under your anger, here are the probabilities: Four times out of five, anger covers emotional pain. One time out of five, anger covers some other deep feeling like fear, helplessness or loneliness.

Self-Harm and Violence

Self-harm and violence are an expensive escape from working on your deep feelings. In effect, you are willing to die, hurt yourself or hurt someone else rather than pay attention to your difficult deep feelings. How do you handle thoughts and impulses directed toward harming? Use your harming tendencies. Like anger, harming tendencies signal that you are covering up a difficult deep feeling. Search out that deep feeling and acknowledge it. Then your harming impulses will vanish because they have lost their job, namely, cloaking your deep feelings. In parallel with the Anger Principle, we have the Harming Principle:

Wanting to harm yourself (or others)
always covers up
a shy, tender or vulnerable feeling.

As with the Anger Principle, there are no exceptions to the Harming Principle.

In psychoanalytic theory, anger was given a pre-eminent place in human psychology. Sex and anger were the two basic drives that motivate people. Sometimes the two were called libido and aggression.

In Learning Deep Feelings, anger is relegated to the peripheral status of a surface feeling. It derives its importance solely from being a handy cloaking ritual against difficult deep emotions.

The Guilt Group of Surface Feelings

  auditory hallucinations  lust       shame
  envy                     regret     feeling sorry
  greed                    remorse    vanity
  guilt itself             self-harm

Guilt is always directed inward. If you are guilty, you are telling yourself that you should be different (even injured or dead) or should have been different in order to suit some pattern in your own head.

Note that the pattern is in your head, no one else's. This leads to an old clinical rule:

No one can make you guilty
unless you are already guilty.

Put differently:

It's impossible to make people guilty;
but it is possible to make people more guilty than they were.

Auditory Hallucinations

Auditory hallucinations may seem out of place on the guilt list but they are potent cloaking rituals against difficult deep feelings. These voices resemble the imaginary companions that some small children develop. A former colleague of mine (Edelhofer) invented a response to auditory hallucinations which wears them down; here's what you do:

In your mind or out loud,
tell the voice(s) over and over,
"I'm hurt and lonely.
Why are you doing this to me?"

I write this response on a card for people so that they will remember it. Then I ask them to read the card back to me so that I am sure that they can read. If the voices answer the question, it's worth remembering the answer as a guide for future emotional exploration. Auditory hallucinations represent an intense form of guilt.

The Pride Group of Surface Feelings

  arrogance  elation   pity
  contempt   gaiety    feeling pleased
  disgust    glee      pride itself
  eagerness  gloating  triumph

Some of surface feelings in the Pride Group closely resemble anger and its group-members.

The Feeling "Good" Group of Surface Feelings

  feeling attracted  delight          feeling reassured
  feeling that       ecstasy          security
    someone cares    feeling "good"   sex
  comfort              itself         feeling touched
  feeling confident  liking                 
  feeling consoled   falling in love 

	Appendix 2: Concomitants of the Consoling Deep Feelings
	Appendix 4: Distinctions between Deep and Surface Feelings

Links: