Thanks for the memories (Now playing Sammi Cheng "Arigato")

Introduction

    At the age of 26, I am finally heading overseas.  What a time the last 2 years have been for me!   Before I sit into the plane flying to US, let me take some time to reflect upon all that has happened.

    This article is a sequel to the earlier one on my feelings of being a minority.  Ever since then, I have been praying to God for an opportunity to get out of the well that is Singapore, to explore countries where the rights that I long for, freedom of speech and fear, are more ingrained in the culture.  In the 2 years after I graduate from NUS, I can see that God has been very active in guiding my life to this stage.  It is really amazing when I realize that and it makes me certain that I am basically in his will.  Let me recount the key incidents in those two years.

    If there is one thing I learn from the last 2 years, its that God's desire is indeed to prosper us and not to harm us (a popular verse from the book of Jeremiah).  My particular story has a very interesting twist.  I remember a servant of God, Alice Smith, once made a remark that if God takes us years into our future, we will look at our present disappointments as blessings for it is out of these disappointments as stepping stones to a bright future.  

    My last two years would have said "Amen" to that.  The main disappointment of the last 2 years, the failure of me securing the Overseas Graduate Scholarship, in 1998, turned out to be a huge blessing from my perspective now, the year Y2K, and is likely to be even five years from now.  In the last 2 years, these particular bible verses from the eighth chapter of Deuteronomy became my theme passage for they really spoke to me, just as it did to the Jews before they enter the promised land:

    "Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. 

    At this point of time, I can look back towards all the apparent failures in my life from my last 2 years as God bringing the above passage into my life, to be described fully in the rest of this article.  The passage continues:

    For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land--a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. 

    Personally, I think this promise is what I can claim for the next 5 years.  It is really a faith issue but I can see why God wants me to claim it for myself.  I am at this point of time where I am so desperately seeking an environment free from the stifling nature of Singapore, where the pressure to conform is just too much for me.  Yes, I can hear you saying that, "But the grass is greener on the other side" but I would say Amen to that! It is time to find out for myself, without relying on the controlled media here, whether that is really true.  As I was telling some of my friends, maybe God wants to wake me up by subjecting me to death encounters, racism etc., so as to make me happy to serve him in Singapore but I will be happy that God is doing that for I know then that it is his will J! 

    The final conclusion of this chapter, in my opinion, is the Holy Spirit giving me some sage advice as to what I must do if I do find overseas life better:

    When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. 
    17You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today. 
    19If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God. 

    Wow, that to me is a serious warning what not to do J!  It is amazing how this chapter speaks so much to me during this period.  

    The lesson I hope to share with you people is that God really desires to prosper us, in ways we may not see at this present moment but somewhere later in time, you will really look back and rejoice that God allow those particular failures and disappointments in your life.

    I have to admit this article turned out longer that I expected.  I already took the minority section out to form a brand new article, to shorten this current article.  In the end, it may still turn out to be rather rambling (Aiyah! The most only I will read this article and no one else lar!  The most it becomes my personal diary J) but here is the basic structure of this article:  Section 1 will discuss the blues I felt immediately after the honors course.  Section 2 will discuss how God blessed me with an answer to those blues.  Section 3 will discuss how the apparent blessing was taken away.  Section 4 will discuss the second chance I thought God is giving me to realize the apparent blessing.  Section 5 would detail how the second chance was also taken away from me.  Section 6 would explain what God's will really is for me in all those events, that made me realize that he has plans to prosper and not to harm me.

Section 1: Post Honors Blues

    It all started in Australia, when I was with friends on a holiday after the grueling honors year course.  I remember telling them how much I feel the working life will be so demoralizing,  how much I dread the working life.

    Throughout my four years in Arts faculty, if there is one motto that I live by, its the motto of 'doing what you like'.  I realize from my first year, when I did subjects such as Economics, Philosophy and Mathematics, how awesome it can be when you are doing subjects that you like.  It is so much easier to do well because you will be interested in reading up everything you can about those subjects, even books out of the reference list.

    In contrast to my secondary and pre-university days, I found that studying became fun.  Of course, I think the times I had with the SAF had made me look forward to my varsity days.  The excellent results that I received in my first semester in NUS further reinforced this attitude.  My remaining times in NUS, the two most remarkable being the exchange program in Canada and my honors year, cemented into a very enjoyable time.

   As I was telling my friends in Australia, I fear working life would bring all these to an end.  The Asian Crisis has just hit Singapore and I know that I would be lucky to get any job, I am not even thinking of a job that I enjoy going to.

    The great pity in my mind, as I was telling my friend, is this, "I spent 4 years (in NUS) realizing how life can really be great when you are doing what your interests are.  Don't tell me that, for the rest of my life after graduation, I am to end up working just for the pay?  Is life suppose to be like that for me from now on?"

Section 2: Return to Singapore

    Upon return, one of my honors classmate called me up to inform me that, my second upper honors result was good enough to be ranked among the top 10 economic honors students.  Thus, I am "eligible" to apply for the position of "Senior Tutor" in the department of economics.  When I heard this news, I thought, "Wow!  What have I done to deserve this?"  Those of you who have read or heard of my honors thesis might understand how blessed I felt.  

    At that time, I felt it was a great blessing from the Lord.  There I was in Australia fretting about how much I enjoyed economics and how demoralized I felt about having to work in a field that I may not like, and God poured forth this blessing, "How about a job that pays me to study and do economics?" that solve my two problems.   Haha, I was praising the Lord for it.  After consulting my professors in the economics department, I realize that this job comes with a scholarship, called the Overseas Graduate Scholarship (Henceforth OGS), that covers all the fees in the foreign university, paying you a decent salary throughout, in return for a 5 year bond in NUS.

    Being very much a Singaporean living in the well then (I will come to this topic again later), I thought it was a smashing deal.  I mean, when I was in my honors year, the closest I thought that I might come to having a job that relates to economics is teaching in Junior Colleges!  

Section 3: The interview

    So I went about formally applying for the position.  The interview was scheduled on 31st July 1998, if I remember correctly.  I went in there with a fair amount of confidence, having the support of quite a number of professors in the economics department.

    The funny thing about being a Christian is this, we are not protected from failures, even from things that we originally thought it is God's will for us.  The interview turned out to be a complete flop.  I was sitting at the end of this table where the panel of interviewers was seated at a considerable distance away from me, resulting in a very impersonal and tense environment.  The Dean, Tong Chee Kiong, wore a very serious gesture, that was very much typical of him.  I felt my confidence drained and I could tell from their body language that I was not convincing them.  

    When I try to tell them about how much economics meant to me, I brought up the example from Gary Becker of how, even in marriage, our decision on who our wife is often the result of rational decision on the expected gains from marriage (Currently, I am thinking of how to use the method of dynamic programming to formulate the decision process).  The panel of interviewers were clearly not impressed with that.  One of them, in the conclusion of the interview, said something like, "I thought I married my wife because I love her!" and all of them laughed.  Aside, it is interesting to read about Becker's views on children being mentioned in the Straits Times recently.  Maybe more Singaporeans will be open next time J.

    In the end, when the Dean asked me this question, "If NUS decides not to give you the scholarship, would you still pursue further studies on your own?"  I knew I blew it.  I was so devastated when I came out of the interview room.  I met up with Lu Ding, one of the economic professors and he comforted me with these words, "Academics are aware that good professors need not be good salesperson."   

    I appreciate those remarks then but I was still sad and I felt I really disappointed myself and God.  Why is it that I didn't manage to express my passion for economics and academia more enthusiastically instead of quivering with fear?  I started to question things like, "Why is it they have to conduct the interview in such an intimidating environment?"  

Section 4 The Teaching Assistant

    In the end, God did not forget me.  I was informed by the Head that the Department have decided to give me a position of a "Teaching Assistant" (henceforth, TA) .  It is a full-time appointment but the difference between this TA and a Senior Tutor is that I have to do a Masters by research to be eligible for the OGS

    After that disastrous interview, I was happy to be able to still secure a position in the department.  But I was still wondering whether God was toying with me in this failure.  I sought the advice of Koh Ai Tee, a devout Christian, at that time the deputy head of economics department, who also wonder at that time whether it is the Lord's will because there is no career advancement for TAs.  Furthermore, it was unprecedented that a TA ever got "upgraded" to a senior tutor.  

    Ai Tee, at that time encouraged me to consider other options.  I told her that I would give it a try and see where the Lord leads.  She asked me about my research proposal for my Masters and I told her about my interest in International Economics.  She then strongly recommended Augustine Tan as a supervisor, citing his years of experience.  Augustine was at that time on sabbatical to the Institute of International Economics (IIE) in Washington D.C. and she arrange the introduction over the e-mail.

    From my undergraduate days here in NUS, I have heard of Augustine Tan's reputation as a "slave driver".  Nevertheless, I follow what came naturally and got into contact with him over email.  When I proposed my research on a world currency, he rejected that as impractical.  He suggested the topic of a target zone concept based on the hot topic in IIE at that time, the Fundamental Equilibrium Exchange Rate approach, and ask me to read about John Williamson and Sebastian Edwards work in this area.  I was initially excited by this topic but this excitement was tapered by the complexity of the 2 authors' work.  I had difficulty comprehending their models but I look forward to seeking Augustine's guidance in this matter.  

Section 5: The Masters research

    There were 2 incidents with my supervisor that cause my Masters research to stagnate.  The first incident was at the beginning of my relationship with Augustine.  Our relationship got off to a bad start, which was really amusing now that I recall it J.  When I officially became a member of the NUS economics department, I still address my fellow colleagues as "Doctor" and was quietly discouraged from doing that.  It was awkward for me initially to address my previous teachers by their first name but I got used to it after a while.  

    When I first emailed to Augustine Tan, I address him as "Professor" but I noticed his email ended with his first name.  I was wondering whether I could address him too by the first name.  So I took the risk and continue the email correspondence with "Dear Augustine".  I realize that it was a mistake.  Firstly, he belongs to the "older generation", formally an MP and all, who may have a different perspective.  Secondly, it is always better to address people by "Doctor" or "Professor" and later ask whether they prefer otherwise, especially your supervisor.  Thirdly, Singapore is notorious for a distorted portrayal of "Confucian Values", where respect to authority should be shown and we should not engage in "bo tua bo sway" (Neither big nor small in Hokkien) behavior.

    But what transpire later set me aback.  The secretary of the Economics Department, Annie, informed me that Augustine Tan "complained" to her that I was rude in not according to him the respect of addressing him as Prof.  I felt that was so weird;  if he really thinks it is only right that I address him as "Professor", why don't he just tell or hint to me about this issue instead of "washing dirty linen in public"?  She advised me to change.  "What a fine start to our relationship," I thought.  I immediately drafted an email to him, apologizing for addressing him by his first name.  

    He never replied to that mail and never once brought up that topic again since but this incident caused our relationship to begin very awkwardly.  Most of you know that I am rather liberal in nature and, after this particular incident, I was very self-conscious when I approach him for the fear of offending a conservative person like him.  I guess it was this incident that made me decide that respect must be earned and also why I encourage my students in NUS to address me by my first name.  I promised that, if I ever become a Professor, I am going to continue this practice.  I particularly like the show Patch Adams for it re-emphasize this theme.

    If I thought our relationship got off to a bad enough start, worse was yet to come.  The second incident occurs when Augustine returned from to the department. I went to see him for the first time, asking him questions about Williamson's and Edwards's model and was casually dismissed by Augustine.  Again, it was quite comical now that I recall J.  Let me paraphrase his words:

    "When I did my Ph.D in Stanford, I took one year groping around, trying to find a topic for my dissertation.  Now, I am giving a topic to you."

    In short, he is not going to help me figure out the model, figuring that I was already "lucky enough" to be given a topic.  This theme will constantly resurface every time I approach him with questions about the research.  Many times, he would tell me, "Go read this, or, go analyze this," but when I ran into problems in those readings, he never attempt in any way to help me.  As I have written in this earlier article, I have always felt that the relationship between the supervisor and the student should be likened to that of an apprentice and master, similar to Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-wan Kenobi, but Augustine clearly did not feel that way.

    Deep down, I was disappointed at the way events turn out.  I should have just ignored him and go ahead on my topic on a world currency.  I switch to his proposed topic because I hope to be an apprentice in learning from him how a proper research topic could be carried out.  This realization that he is not going to help me in his proposed topic, other than just telling me what literature to read, really shocked me.  I remember telling my friend, Gilbert Lee, who got the senior tutorship, about my problems with the thesis and his advice to me was to change supervisor, particularly, I should not let Augustine ruin my career and future in the economics department.

Section 6: The frog coming out of the well

    After some prayer as well as reflection, I have decided not to change supervisor, not because of laziness.  The incident that made me finally realize that God intend to prosper and not to harm me was the realization that it is sub-optimal for me to take the OGS.  Let me explain it more precisely using economic analysis J.  In formulating a decision to head overseas for Ph.D, our objective function is to get a good education.  There are however three constraints.  

Constraint 1: We cannot afford the full cost of a postgraduate education

Constraint 2: We do not know whether we can secure a job after graduating with a Ph.D

Constraint 3: The ties we have with Singapore

    Since each of these constraints are the ones that make the OGS so attractive to Singaporeans, let me discuss systematically how none of these three constraints ended up binding for me.  While Kuhn and Tucker, in their analysis, said that only one of the constraints can be given some slack in any economic problem (the term complementary slackness), God managed to relax all 3 constraints J.

The relaxation of Constraint 1

    The first constraint was the one that mainly made the OGS such a smashing deal initially for me.  I thought there is no other way I could seek a postgraduate education without it.  After talking to the various colleagues and surfing the Internet has made me realize that postgraduate is very much different from undergraduate.  In the US, very few postgraduate foot the entire cost of overseas education themselves.  I think the underlying philosophy is that the postgraduate is an extra degree, unlike the first degree.  Universities there are committed to compensate us for the opportunity cost incurred in taking time off to train to be an academia.  Furthermore, we are qualified enough to teach the undergraduates there as teaching assistants.  Thus, postgraduate should be viewed as more of a work-study plan.

    This is surprisingly unknown to most Singaporeans.  When I told my friends that I am going on my own, many were surprised that it is not difficult for you to secure some form of funding from the US university.  There are basically two sufficient conditions:  Either you have to be very smart, where all the US universities would chase after you, or you be less choosy;  you may not be able to secure financial aid from Harvard but down the line, say, Iowa State University, where I am going, it is not difficult at all to secure funding.  

The relaxation of Constraint 2

    As for the second constraint, which applies if you are going to universities that are not "branded" like Harvard, MIT etc., you will suffer from the signaling effect.  Let me explain what this is:  In the job market, most PhD candidates will be very similar except for their universities.  Thus, employers are likely to choose candidates from better universities because these universities have the reputation of excellence.  This is very similar to Michael Spence's famous paper that I have applied to the choice between going to junior colleges or polytechnics here.  

    Personally I feel that can be overcome.  I admit that, if I graduate from Iowa State, I may suffer from the signaling effect of education, but I thought it will be ridiculous to take up the bond in Singapore just to avoid that problem.  In this aspect, I thank God that he has "trained" me, from young, to know in my heart that he will supply all my needs, incidents like my honors thesis as well as in his providence of this current job in NUS.

    In fact, I am confident that I can overcome it.  The signaling effect would bind only if, when I am in the job market, I do not have any publications or conference papers in my resume.  Once I have those, they would provide a better signal to prospective employers.  I suspect this is one reason why previous Senior Tutors often do not publish while they are working towards a PhD; you know that you have a job waiting for you irregardless of publications.  Stretching this hypothesis further, they may even be so disillusioned with the coming bond that they are in no mood to publish J.  Thus, the incentive structure for both the Singaporean as well as his American PhD supervisor will not be there.  

    Thus, when I know that I am heading to Iowa State on a scholarship with no bonds attached, I would be more inspired to network with the American professors and play an active role in research.  Right now, I am still fuzzy with respect to mathematics but I know that, God will help me if he has open the door up till now.

    Lately, God has given me a sneak preview of his plan for my future.  I am not telling you people now as it is rather strange.  But I think Iowa State may fit that plan.  I recall the story of Gideon in the Book of Judges, where he was gathering many men to conquer the land of Midan, in fulfillment of God's will. God, however, threw a spanner into Gideon's plan (Judges 7:2 onwards):

    2The LORD said to Gideon, "You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her, 
3announce now to the people, `Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead.'" So twenty-two thousand men left, while ten thousand remained.  4But the LORD said to Gideon, "There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will sift them for you there. If I say, `This one shall go with you,' he shall go; but if I say, `This one shall not go with you,' he shall not go."  5So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the LORD told him, "Separate those who lap the water with their tongues like a dog from those who kneel down to drink." 6Three hundred men lapped with their hands to their mouths. All the rest got down on their knees to drink. 7The LORD said to Gideon, "With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands. Let all the other men go, each to his own place." 

    I think God is telling me, from this passage, that although Iowa State may not be an ideal place, in men's perspective, his will may be such that, when his will for my future turns out to be as planned, I will know in my heart that it is God's will and not my own effort.  I thank God for reminding me of that.

    In a sense, I thank God that, in economics, the job openings are relatively better than other social sciences.  I can understand that, if I am currently in the Philosophy or Geography department, constraint 2 might be more binding.  Nevertheless, I believe that I am sufficiently risk-loving enough to override this constraint.  I thank God that he has provided some complimentary slackness by training me from young J, especially from my honors experience.

The relaxation of Constraint 3

    Finally there is this issue of ties with Singapore.  The OGS would be more significant the stronger your ties in Singapore are.  Because the funding that comes from the OGS is still more than any form of financial aid from the US university itself, if you constrain yourself to return to Singapore, you can always achieve a higher utility level by taking the OGS.

    I look back my life over the last 26 years and deep down in my heart, I know that it does not apply to me.  As I have said previously on my testimony on how I became a Christian, I came from a divorced home.  I guess its the feeling of being born 'out of a mistake' made by my parents that made me decide that I am unique.  My decision to be a Christian was based on rational thinking at Primary 6, thus I know God created me from the start to be someone whom question things.  During my two years after graduation, I have realized in many different ways, such as here and here, that Singapore is not a suitable place for someone with those kind of inclinations.  Singapore wants only economically creative people and not those who cannot restrict their creativity to only ways that increase the GNP of Singapore J.

    Thus, I can state that all 3 constraints are not binding for me.  Thus, taking the OGS would clearly be sub-optimal for me.

Conclusion

    Congratulations for the perseverance in reading this article (Hey, its not that bad right since I added many comical incidents along the way J).  I guess this really sums up my last 2 years before I am flying off to the US of A.  As you can see, my heart is full of thanksgiving for all that the Lord has bless me through him closing and opening the right doors.  I am also thankful for all my friends, students here who have blessed me so much for the past 2 years.  

    To end this very frank article, I want to dedicate the song sung by Sammi Cheng that is in the background, "Arigato" to God and all you people who have blessed me, here.  By clicking that link, you would be downloading a special performance by Sammi whose words and expressions really reflects my thanksgiving, especially to God for sticking to me through thick and thin ever since I was delivered in KK Hospital on the 13th December 1973 at 8:45 am.  Arigato Abba Father and to all of you too J!