Prepare thy ablutions, worship the bean, and shun the abomination that is decaf, and one day you too shall walk among the Blessd, whose blood flows thick and brown with God's Chemical and whose hearts have been replaced with the more efficient mechanism of a Mr. Coffee." -Keith Morris
I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
Platonic Love: The gun you didn't know was loaded
"Whenever someone says something exceedingly stupid, I feel it my duty to educate them. "
"I'm going to get a new job. I'm going to mow lawns. And when somebody asks me what I do for a living, I will tell them "I mow lawns." And whatever question might follow, the answer will most likely be "Yes," "No," or "I mow lawns."And nobody will ever call me at 3:30am with a lawnmowing emergency. Ahh, happy place....."
"Get bent, you prole. If you understood even the smallest iota of my tremendous emotional investment in this game, you'd take a big glass of Shut the Fuck Up and Sit the Fuck Down and nurse it in the corner until I speak to you directly."
"Rick, you've stabbed your credibility through the liver, kicked it five or six times with steel-toed boots and have proceeded to piss into its mouth. Why not just let it die quietly?"
"In case anyone is interested, before you can work at White Wolf you have to complete a twelve-week course on pretentiousness and ego-stroking. There's also an optional course on megalomania."
"It comes down to the fact US West are total and complete bastards we would all admire if they weren't also totally and completely incompetent."
"I'd love nothing more than to waste two hours of my life watching corporately-inseminated drivel with some farm animals and a low-grade alcoholic. Oh joy. Oh rapture."
"You know, there's a fine line between excessive sarcasm and permanent bitterness."
"It was a bright, sunny Friday afternoon and everything was slightly frilly. I skipped down the road, happy to be alive. 'Hello, Mr Chipmunk! Hello, Mr Bird!' I called out, mainly because I'd been doing some really heavy drugs that morning. I was going to ask the lamppost what it was knowin', but even I have some standards."
"The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle."
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?"
"I used to dream of world domination. In fact I had a go at it one weekend. Sadly, the whole plan ground to a halt when I ran out of leather."
"Just remember that my safeword is, 'Agh! Don't do that! Help! Stop!'"
"How is it that I have root access when my weakness for abusing power is so apparent?"
"By breakfast I was already warily looking for omens of worse-to-come and sure enough, the promised freebie, plastic kitten of contentment was quite definitely missing from the artificially-sweetened, novelty cereal-product of life."
"Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable,
universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life."
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