April 14, 2004
Hard to believe it's been a year since my surgery. I'm down 146 lbs. and the changes in my life have been a blessing. I have so much more energy and have been much more active. No longer do I refuse an invitation somewhere because "I'm too tired," or because I'm in too much pain to walk very far or stand for very long. In fact, I will be playing Hysterium in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum this summer at Mounds View Community Theatre. To be active in theatre again has been a goal of my weight loss journey, I couldn't be happier to be "starting over" yet again.
My general health has improved greatly, too. My sleep apnea is mild enough, according to a new sleep study, that I no longer need to wear my C-PAP. A few weeks ago, my doctor wanted me to have an echo of my gallbladder and kidneys -- due to some back pain I have been experiencing. I had the same procedure previous to my surgery to check for gallstones. The tech who performed the procedure this time told me that my chart from a year ago stated they couldn't see my gallbladder due to the excess fatty tissue on my liver. This time, she said there was no fat on my liver at all and she could see my gallbladder and everything else very clearly. And, by the way, the echo came out negative for stones. At my one-year checkup, my blood levels were all perfect. Not only that, but over the last six months I managed to lower my cholesterol to 168. My HDL is higher, LDL is lower and Triglycerides are lower.
The odd thing, I've discovered, is how my perception of my physical self will change from day to day according to what I see in the mirror or in photographs. I'm rarely happy with what I see in the miror, "still need to lose 30 lbs." or "this hanging skin is just so ugly... when can I get it cut off?!" Photographs, however, inspire me and boost my self-image. (Never thought I'd say that!) They show the real progress I have made that I don't see in the mirror. My support group has always stressed the idea that it is important to take photographs along the way because of image dysmorphia. As our bodies change we are unable to reconcile the image of ourselves with the image in the mirror. And, it works both ways. When I was at my fattest, I didn't see myself as being that big. It was only in pictures that I saw how out of control I had let my weight get. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see someone much heavier than I see in the photos. So somewhere, my self-image is in between the two. The thing I need to do now is to start seeing the real me. Good luck, huh? That may be a lifelong challenge -- but then, this is probably true even for people who have never been obese.
The First Step
While taking a shower a couple of months ago, I was contemplating how I was going to inspire myself to start exercising like I should. I thought to myself, "exercise is the next step I need to take to be successful." Then it hit me! When I chose to have WLS, I thought it was my very last chance at regaining control of my weight. But now I realize, it was only the first step. Although we talk about this concept in my support meetings, it just hit me that day how true it was. I was not "cured" by having surgery, I was given a tool. That tool was my first step toward regaining my health. Everything that has to be done to lose weight by anyone, still has to be done by me. At a year out, I can eat almost anything I want; so watching what I eat is very important. Exercise is still key to maintaining a healthy metabolism so that I don't gain the weight back. It is up to me take the steps necessary to accomplish these new lifestyle habits... and surgery was truly only the first step.
Don't believe those that would have you think weight loss surgery is the easy way out. It's NOT! It is a great tool and a great jumpt start, but in the end we all lose weight the same: diet and exercise. In fact, I would say, in some ways, it is more difficult at times to have taken the surgical route. There are times I feel I have imprisoned myself in a self-imposed kind of jail. There are some foods I love that I cannot eat (high sugar/high fat foods) because they make me sick. And there are times, especially holidays, that I wish I could just pig out with everyone and not worry about what I eat. No way. I will never be able to eat the way I used to. And that's a good thing, but sometimes very hard to cope with.
So, this first year has been dedicated to that "first step." Learning how to use my tool and obeying the pouch rules without giving up the enjoyment of eating -- which is rarely about the food itself, now, but about the company I keep. The work I have to do now is to create a physically active lifestyle for myself. Now that the weather is turning nice, it will be a little easier. I love to be outdoors on my bike. I may even find a path to take to the office on dry days.
It's been a great year. The support of old friends and new has been an inspiration and a comfort. Thanks to all of you who check into my site to see how I'm doing. Updates will probably get farther and farther apart at this point. But I will let you all know when there are major changes.
Up next? My panniculectomy (tummy tuck), hopefully by the end of the year. What a Great Christmas present that would be!
After RNY
Lots of OSSGMNers getting married... when is it my turn?