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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."-Robin Williams.
How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin wearing a blindfold?
You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.
-The Jokesmith
Seen in an airlines flight safety brochure:"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."--David Letterman
Conducting a study of sexual behavior, a researcher stops an airline pilot. "Can you tell me when you last made love?" she asks.
"Nineteen fifty-nine," he answers.
Having heard a lot about the reputation of airline pilots, the researcher is taken aback. "That's an awfully long time!" she says.
"I suppose," says the pilot, glancing at his
watch."But it's only twenty-one fifteen now."
After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."
As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothesand then pay me for my advice."--contributed by David Reuwer
Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and arrows. They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots, and his arrow flies off ten feet to the left. The second shoots, and his arrow goes ten feet to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "We got him! We got him!"
(Joke of the Month)
Bill Gates takes a plane ride
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment."Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
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