How did they know it was a nurse?

She had an empty stomach, a full bladder, and her butt was chewed out.

The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.

"I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.

The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady. The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

"This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders:

"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reveiwing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."

"Oh brother!", she cries. "Is that a doctor?"

St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

Your idea of comforting a baby is to place him in a papoose restraint.

You believe that shallow gene pool should require a diagnosis.

You believe CHOCOLATE is a food group.

When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their great veins.

You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the Eternal Care Facility.

Your idea of a really good time is dueling Shock rooms.

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You have ever restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

You want the lab to order a 'Dumbshit Profile'.

You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled 'Suicide...Doing it Right'.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, "No, I don't worry about birth control........I've been irradiated."

You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.

You have your weekends off marked and planned for a year.

You have discovered a new condition that you call Hypo-Xanax-emia.

You plan what you are having for dinner while doing a gastric lavage.

You know that drug seekers will be allergic to all medicines except Demerol.

You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with them anymore.

You have the bladder capacity of five people

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance

You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by satan

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, "wow, it is really quiet" is uttered.

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.

You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call.

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 years?"

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say, "I have no idea how that got stuck in there.

" You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant, how can I be having a baby?"

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.

Your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's.

Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the back yard.

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.

When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the correct answers.

You always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon.

Your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room."

The hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3-0 chromic or steristrips.

You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors."

You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work.

Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.

You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots."

You believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day.

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing.

Your family members must have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy.

You've ever sworn you are going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

You have been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate.

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

~Author unknown~