When you're in this business, you've gotta find the humor in things...
Read on for a little stress relief.
RULES OF THE PIT
1.Don't hurt yourself.
2.All bleeding stops.
3.Don't lose your cool.
4.Everybody has to die sometime.
5.You can't hurt a dead man.
6.Never yell at the nurses (refer to Rule #1.)
7.Don't get excited about blood loss-unless it's your own.
8.Don't hit patients or doctors-unless necessary.
9.SEX isn't everything, but it's a hell-of-a-long-way ahead of anything that's second.
10.The patient will be all right if he is okay.
11.The pain will go away when it stops hurting.
12.Do what's right.
13.All fevers will eventually come back to normal on the way to room temperature.
14.There's always time sometime.
15.Common things are common.
16.A strawberry by any other name would be a heart with acne.
17.Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
18.If nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.
19.He who turns to run away must first sign out AMA.
20.If you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don't understand the situation.
21.Uncommon manifestations of common diseases are more common than are uncommon diseases.
22.Death is a severe stage of shock, or shock is a pause in the act of dying.
23.It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's right.
24.WHY am I here?
25.It sure feels good when it quits a "hurtin."
26.It looks more like it does now than it did.
27.In medicine, always remember never to say always and never.
28.In case of emergency call Dr. Wonderful or Earl.
29.All bleeding is gross.
30.If you can't see it, it's probably not there.
31.Don't vomit on the doctor!
32.Remember, "Toast always falls jelly-side down."
33.P.I.D. doesn't stand for "pink in dere."
34.If a patient has a catheter ---he needs it.
35.We've got to find those "two dudes" and stop them.
36.Everyone gets treated exactly the same in here ---until he pisses you off.
37.The pit is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!
38.To be right is only half the battle; to convince the patient is more difficult.
39.Always do whatever you do best.
40.Remember, the problem is always better than the X-ray looks.
41.I was better, but I got over it."
Medical Definitions
Adult ~ one who has stopped growing except in the middle
Alcoholic ~ a man who has worked his way from bottoms up
Anatomy ~ something that everyone has, but it looks better on some than others
Arthritis ~ twinges in the hinges
Baldness ~ hair today and gone tomorrow
Delinquent Children ~ those who have reached the age where they want to do what mama and papa are doing
Dentist ~ a professional who bores you to tears
Dermatologist ~ specializes in rash predictions
Diagnosis ~ What a sick person must make before he can determine which specialist to call
Diet~
1. a short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds.
2. something you keep putting off which you keep putting on
Doctor ~ a specialist who tells you if you don't cut something, something will be cut out of you.
Doctor's Office ~ a place where you find the newest in medicine and the oldest in reading material
Doctor's Prescription ~ something that looks as if it had been written on a subway train with a post office pen.
Ego ~ the only thing that can keep on growing without nourishment Expert~
1. one who knows more and more about less and less
2. one who can tell you more about something than you really want to know
3. one who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing
Headache ~ aspirin deficiency
Hospital ~ a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill
Hypochondriac~
1. A man who wants to be buried next to his doctor.
2. Someone who feels bad when he feels good because he know he'll feel worse when he feels better.
3. one who can't leave well enough alone
Indigestion ~ the failure of a round stomach to adjust to a square meal
Insomnia ~ The triumph of mind over mattress
Insomniac ~ someone who keep sheep jumping over a fence all night just because he can't sleep
Life~
1. a span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children
2. what happens to us while we are making other plans
Medicine ~ the only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence
Neurotic ~ one who builds castles in the air
Obesity ~ a condition caused by an over-active fork
Over-eating ~ action that shapes our future
Physician ~ one who pours drugs of which they know little into a body of which they know less
Professors ~ those who go to college and never get out
Psychiatrist~
1. one who collects rent from psychotics and neurotics living in their castles in the air
2. a physician who hates the sight of blood
Psychiatry ~ the art of teaching people how to stand on their own feet while reclining on couches
Psychologist ~ an expert you pay to ask you questions your spouse asks you for nothing
Psychotic ~ one who moves into the castles in the air
Research ~ an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have
Specialist ~ people with one-track minds
Statistics ~ the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion
Sunburn ~ getting what you basked for
Ulcer ~ a stomach disorder that you get not form what you eat but from what you have to swallow
Vacation
1. a time of rest and relaxation that takes an equal amount of time to recover from
2. a trip to put you in the pink and leave you in the red!
Virus ~ a Latin word used by doctors to mean "Your guess is as good as mine."
Author Unknown
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore.
Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10.
The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off.
After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud.
To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter.
To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.
The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."
