Telemarketers
From mini-AIR June 2001
Telemarketing Optimization
We receive many telephone call from telemarketers. Until recently these seemed annoyances, but now we realize they are research opportunities. You are invited to collaborate on our Telemarketing Optimization Project. The project consists of a number of protocols. Here we describe several that we have used.
TECHNICAL DESCRIPTION: The project takes advantage of a quirk of modern technology. Many telemarketing calls begin with a brief period of silence, in which the telemarketer's automatic equipment tries to determine whether the call recipient is a likely target. You can easily learn to recognize this silence, and so be ready to implement a protocol the moment the human telemarketer is switched onto the line.
PROTOCOL: Say "hi."
DESCRIPTION: Whenever the telemarketer asks you to say anything, pause for several seconds, and then softly, plaintively, say just the word "hi." Pronounce it as if it were written in lowercase and spoken by a wispy child.
[NOTE: Our lab notebook for this project may be instructive to new investigators. Here is a typical entry: May 29, 2001. 11:08 am. Another telemarketer, another round of plaintive "hi"s. She hung up after round three.]
PROTOCOL: Read methodically from a prepared text. So far we have conducted test runs using each of the following texts:
"The World of Mathematics," Newman, volume 4
"The Integrative Action of the Nervous System," Sherrington
The digits of pi
PROTOCOL: Sing from a prepared score. The quality of the singing matters not. So far we have conducted test runs using the following:
The complete works of Philip Glass
PROTOCOL: Whatever the telemarketer says to you, you repeat back to the telemarketer.
We invite you to devise your own protocols, run the experiments, and then tell us about it. We will report the most compelling results.
When you send in a report, please include the following data: 1. A brief (twenty words or fewer) description of the protocol 2. The number of phone calls to which you applied the protocol 3. Average time elapsed before a telemarketer hung up.
Please do the research carefully, and above all, lovingly. Send your complete, BRIEF report to: TELEMARKETING OPTIMIZATION PROJECT c/o <[email protected]>
Any ideas? If you have any, also send them to me... [email protected]
Last updated Wednesday, August 22, 2001
Katie Tyson