More Bush...

BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS

By S. Artist Reuters AUSTIN, TEXAS (Dec. 4)

 Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.

Where's the one for Nader??!!!?!?

I'm not sure of the source of this...

WASHINGTON -- After four years of legal wrangling, Geeorge W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night.

"We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let's get to work!"

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts.

Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre.

Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK."

Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad.

His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives. Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known."

The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida.

When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink.

Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

* Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.

* Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home.

* Letting Jimmy Carter sort it all out.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends.

"One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something."

The Latest Book

*St. Chad's grace in defeat won him eternal veneration

By Robin Galiano

COX NEWS SERVICE

You can't make this stuff up!

November 30, 2000

St. Chad's grace in defeat won him eternal veneration

By Robin Galiano

Cox News Service

 "Keep us, we pray, from thinking of ourselves more highly than we ought to think, and ready at all times to step aside for others, in honor preferring one another, that the cause of Christ may be advanced." —Suggested prayer on the Feast of Saint Chad

 LONGVIEW, Texas — As if this presidential election needs another twist, it turns out there is a patron saint of disputed elections, and it's none other than St. Chad of Lichfield, England.  The seventh-century Anglican bishop is perhaps best known for not being the archbishop of York. While Chad was elected and duly installed as archbishop of York, some bishops objected to his ordination because his consecration had not been rightly performed.

Unlike his bickering American counterparts today, however, Chad humbly withdrew in favor of the other candidate to preserve unity.  Rather than cause division in the church, Chad is said to have told the archbishop of Canterbury: "If you decide that I have not rightly received the Episcopal character, I willingly lay down the office; for I have never thought myself worthy of it, but under obedience, I, though unworthy, consented to undertake it."

The archbishop of Canterbury was so impressed with Chad's humility, the story goes, that he ordained Chad Bishop of Lichfield instead. Chad died on March 2, 672, and he was venerated as a saint soon afterward. The Rev. Jim Bass, pastor of Mission Bend United Methodist Church in Houston, uncovered the ironic historical twist and passed along the information to Methodist pastors in the Texas conference. His tale was verified by the Oxford Dictionary of Saints.

*Amazingly, rearranging the letters of

"Republican National Committee"

produces the words

"Inept ballot count: America mine!"*

The new presidential limo...

Bumper Stickers: Coming soon to a bumper near you!

-Three strikes and you're President.

-Don't Blame Me -I voted for Gore...I Think

-If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates

-Honk If You Love Al Gore! (use the button on your steering wheel)

-My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida voters!

-"Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." -Joseph Stalin

-Mi brudder sed I were elected. Im going too DizzyWerld

-Grant? Harding? Nixon? Reagan? You ain't seen nothing yet

-I Invented the Bumper Sticker -A. Gore

-DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE... LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU

-George III ... George Sr, George Jr ... hereditary monarchy has been restored!

-One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)

-I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER

-IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES

George W. Bush received his first national security briefing at the Governor's Mansion in Austin, Texas. It was conducted by Brigadier General Thomas C. Bradley, Army Staff Liaison to the National Security Council, and David L. McKittrick, Deputy Assistant to the Director of the CIA. An anonymous Security Council staff member leaked a transcript of the briefing to the press.

Bradley: Good morning, Mr. President-elect. Congratulations on your victory.

Bush: Thanks. That's a nice suit. How come you don't wear a uniform. Are you really a general?

Bradley: I wear my uniform when I'm working at the Pentagon. Now, would you like to get started?

Bush: Yeah, I guess. How long is this gonna take?

McKittrick: Mr. President-elect, these briefings usually only take 15-20 minutes, depending on world events. Somewhat longer if you have questions or require further detail.

Bush: Okay.

Bradley: Beginning with the Middle East, as you may know, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak . . .

Bush: He's a Jew, right?

Bradley: One would assume so. Now . . .

Bush: I bet he voted for Pat Buchanan.

Bradley: Sir, Mr. Barak has resigned as a result of the continuing violence between the Palestinians and the Israeli security forces.

Bush: I hear those Palestrians are A-rabs without any oil. That must be real hard on them. I mean, an A-rab without oil is, I guess, just a shepherd or a terrorist or something. I feel compassion for them.

Bradley: Yes, sir. In any event, the situation is extremely volatile because most of the casualties are Palestinian youth - children really - who assault the Israeli soldiers with rocks.

Bush: Rocks? Well, hey, this is easy. Why don't we just get rid of the rocks? The Israelite army could just go in there and pick them up and haul them away for making gravel or paving roads or something. The Jews could probably even make a buck or two on that deal.

McKittrick: Sir, Palestine is a rocky desert. Removing all the rocks from Palestine would be like removing all the assholes from Texas.

Bush: Excuse me? What did you say? What's your name again, mister?

McKittrick: John Doe.

Bush: Well, Mr. Doe, we'll see how long your career lasts in my administration.

Bradley: Sir, in any case, you can't remove the rocks from Palestine.

Bush: Where's Uncle Dick?

Bradley: Sir?

Bush: Dick Cheney. He should be here. He knows what to do about all this detail stuff.

Bradley: Sir, I believe he's in Washington supervising the transition.

Bush: Transition?

Bradley: Changing the government, sir. Replacing the Democratic officeholders in the Executive Branch. Preparing for your administration in Washington.

Bush: I have to move to Washington? I just bought a ranch. A big one, too.

McKittrick: Perhaps we could move on to events in Europe.

Bush. That's better. I like Europe.

McKittrick: Have you traveled extensively there?

Bush: I didn't say I'd been there. I said I like the Europese. You know, a lot of Americans came here from Europe. My own family used to be a part of Europe. I'm not sure which.

McKittrick: Yes, sir, I can imagine. Mr. President-elect, the European Union is becoming more of a reality and changing the nature of our responsibilities and influence there. The Europeans want to establish their own 60,000 man security force, and that raises questions about the future viability of NATO.

Bush: I don't get it.

McKittrick: Get what, sir? Europe? NATO? Where did I lose you?

Bush: Don't be a smartass. My dad used to run the FBI, you know. Or the CIA. Who are you with? He ran that too.

Bradley: Sir, what he's saying . . .

Bush: I know what he's saying. The Europese want to redo the continent into one big country. With ONE army. That's stupid! If it's all one army, who are you going to attack? Answer me that.

McKittrick: Mr. President-elect, I believe that's enough for one day. I think you're right; we'll give these pesky details to Vice President-elect Cheney, and you can get back to the ranch. Thank you for your time and attention.

Bush: Oh sure, this is fun. Maybe when I'm president we can have these briefings once a year.

Bradley: Yes, sir. Good day, sir.

Bush: Yeah, bye. Oh, hey, listen. I wasn't talking about ALL the rocks. Just the ones that are throwin' size. I'm not stupid, you know.

McKittrick: God help us all.

Bush: What was that??

McKittrick: Nothing Sir, have a good Day.

[Note - original author unknown]

Did you know about this old Chinese custom? It seems that every time there is a new president elected in the US, this famous Hong Kong restaurant names a special dish after them.

This year, the new dish is called Sum Dum Goy.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

St. Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St. Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

St. Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

St. Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then St. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. St. Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who is Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Everyone wondered how Bush picked Cheney for VP. Well, this is the story: Bush knew he had to make a choice; so he asked Laura how he should do this. Laura told him that he should ask the potential candidates a riddle and see how they do. She gave Bush a riddle to use.

So, the next day, Bush decides to try the riddle out on Cheney and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your brother?" Cheney replies, "Golly gee, George, That's difficult. I'll need to go and think about that one for a while." In the evening Cheney returns and happily shouts, "I got it, George! I figured it out! It's me! It's me!"

Bush than goes and presents the same riddle to one of the others he was considering and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your brother?" "That's a tough one, George. I'll get back to you on that." And in the evening he returns and says, "I couldn't figure that one out. Who is it?"

Bush answers, "It's Dick Cheney, but I'm not exactly sure why."

*OfficeMax to donate "W" keys

By Natalie Weinstein

Staff Writer, CNET News.com

January 24, 2001, 10:40 a.m. PT

OfficeMax will donate 500 new "W" keyboard keys and 100 computer keyboards to George W. Bush's administration, the retailer announced Wednesday. It was reported Monday that the "W" key on many White House keyboards were missing. The keyboards, manufactured by Logitech, feature the complete alphabet, including the "W." The company said the extra supply of "W" keys is added protection in case similar problems crop up in other parts of the government.

From: http://news.cnet.com/news/0-1006-200-4587143.html*

Scroll down for a final impression...

What did you think? Please understand that everyone has political differences, and that this site is only meant for fun. Please don't take this seriously, because if you took everything you saw on the internet about Dubya, or anyone else, for that matter, seriously and complained about it all you wouldn't have time to do anything else. Hope you enjoyed it...

*Starred things are facts, stuff that really happened. The rest of it is fiction...although I'm not sure that it's completely unlikely that it would happen!

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Last updated December 21, 2002

Katie Tyson