Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome...
<http://www.dovewinds.com/dubya/>
The President of the United States! (Not my president)
In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
"Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader."
Hmm....sound familiar?
"Some people say Bush is a pain in the neck. I have a lower opinion."
"If Laura Bush wanted her gown to truly reflect the tone of this inaugural she ought to have shoplifted it." - San Francisco Chronicle, from Canyongirl
"Now, we've inaugurated George W. Bush. The American people have spoken! All five of them."
"Poor Gore. You can be VP during prosperous years, run against a dumb guy, get more votes, and still lose."
A tip for Bush: "It's better to let people think you're an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it."
*Here are some direct quotes, straight from The Dubya's mouth:
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
"They misunderestimated me."—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
"It's your money. You paid for it."-LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."-Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."-LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders."
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it."
"Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all about."
"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it."-St. Louis, Mo., October 18, 2000
"Our priorities is our faith."-Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."-Second presidential debate, Oct. 11,2000 (Thanks to Leonard Williams.)
"It's going to require numerous IRA agents."-On Gore's tax plan, Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."-In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000 (Thanks to Peter Feld.)
"I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here but at home."-Boston, Oct. 3, 2000 (Thanks to M. Bateman.)
"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."-Redwood, Calif., Sept. 27, 2000
"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."-Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 5, 2000
"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans."-Oprah, Sept. 19, 2000
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness."-The Edge With Paula Zahn, Sept. 18, 2000
"They have miscalculated me as a leader."-Ibid.
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from."-Detroit, Sept. 7, 2000 (Thanks to Michael Butler, Houston, Texas.)
"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans."-Scranton, Pa., Sept. 6, 2000 "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.''-Ibid.
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."-Bartlett, Tenn., Aug. 18, 2000 (Thanks to Tarja Black.)
"I want you to know that farmers are not going to be secondary thoughts to a Bush administration. They will be in the forethought of our thinking."-Salinas, Calif., Aug. 10, 2000 (Thanks to Kris Sester.)
"And if he continues that, I'm going to tell the nation what I think about him as a human being and a person."-President George W.. Bush, on the Today show, Aug. 1, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over."-On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."-Reuters, May 5, 2000 (Thanks to Allison Fansler.)
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."-Meet the Press, April 15, 2000
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."-In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled."-To Cokie Roberts, ThisWeek, Feb. 20, 2000
"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?"-Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000
"We ought to make the pie higher."-South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000
"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less-I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people."-Ibid
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.''-Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000 (Thanks to Toni L. Gould.)
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
Excerpts from The Complete Bushisms
Compiled by Jacob Weisberg
You can find the rest at: http://slate.msn.com/Features/bushisms/bushisms.asp
Some also from www.columbiacentral.com/dubya -- check out the hate mail at this site.... it's hilarious!
From the SF Chronicle (Herb Caen's column):
Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name.
IMPORTANT NEWS STORY!!!
PRESIDENT BUSH RESTS COMFORTABLY AFTER BRAIN PACEMAKER OPERATION
By Tom McNichol
July 13, 2001 | WASHINGTON -- In the second White House health scare in little more than a week, doctors Wednesday night implanted a sophisticated pacemaker in President Bush's brain. The device, known as an implantable cranial defibrillator, or ICD, continuously monitors and records the president's brain waves. When Mr. Bush's brain activity becomes dangerously slow for a chief executive, the device delivers a mild electric shock, jolting the president back to a relatively active mental state.
"I feel good," the president told reporters several hours after the operation. Bush then twitched noticeably. "I mean, I feel well," he said.
Doctors say the implant is performing flawlessly, although they're trying to limit the number of shocks Bush receives to fewer than 100 a day. The surgery came barely a week after Vice President Dick Cheney was fitted with a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.
The White House portrayed last night's medical procedure as an "insurance policy" against further problems for the president. At a news conference at George Washington University Hospital, where the operation was performed, doctors downplayed the seriousness of Bush's condition. The periodic electric jolts from the implant, physicians say, will have minimal effect on the president.
"His hair is not going to stand on end," said chief surgeon Dr. Alan J. Thayer. "Well, maybe a little."
The president, looking tired but fit after his operation, said that the device will help him function better as a world leader.
"The American people need to know that their president is equipped to handle a trouble spot like Slovenia," Mr. Bush said. "Serbia, I mean Serbia," he added, his head jerking violently.
Bush has an extensive medical history of moderately impaired thinking and reasoning, dating back to the 1970s. Doctors have long noted that the president's thoughts easily become confused, and that his public pronouncements often deteriorate into a tangle of mispronunciations, faulty logic and bad grammar. Although Bush's condition wasn't serious enough to prevent him from running for president, or from winning the state of Florida, doctors say his condition has deteriorated significantly in recent months. The president's brain wave activity dipped dangerously low during his recent trip to Europe, and stopped altogether at one point during a meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin. The Russian leader was unaware of any change in Mr. Bush's condition, officials say.
Yesterday, the president's doctors subjected him to a battery of mental tests to assess his risk of developing a potentially fatal "zero brain wave" pattern. Once the risk was confirmed, surgeons decided to implant the electronic device, which acts both as a pacemaker and a defibrillator. The pacemaker component is programmed to speed up the president's thinking when it becomes abnormally slow. The defibrillator can shock his brain back to a normal state if Bush's thoughts become "too fast," although doctors say that the chances of that happening are remote.
The device that doctors sutured to the base of the president's cerebellum is known as a Medtronic Gem IV DR model. (There were some problems with an earlier model, which had to be recalled by the manufacturer.) Such devices, once the stuff of science fiction, have become an increasingly common tool in modern neurology. Hundreds of prominent Americans have been fitted with so-called mental pacemakers in recent years, including actor Adam Sandler, TV personality Mary Hart, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, singer Britney Spears, Rep. Gary Condit, D-Calif., former vice president Dan Quayle, and the entire board of directors of the now-defunct Pets.com. Some of those who wear a mental pacemaker expressed hope that the president's condition would raise public awareness about their circumstance.
"This may turn out to be a blessing in the skies for all of us," said talk show host Maury Povich, who was fitted with one of the first Medtronic devices four years ago. Mr. Povich trembled violently from head to toe before adding, "I mean disguise, disguise, for God's sake, turn it off."
Bush has been advised to avoid deep thoughts for a few days to give the device a chance to settle in place. Doctors say the president so far has cooperated fully with the recommendation. Bush has also been told to alternate holding his cell phone against his right and left ear so the implant receives equal doses of radiation from each side. And the president will have to run at full speed whenever passing through White House metal detectors.
Several congressional leaders privately expressed concern about the president's medical procedure, coming barely a week after Cheney was fitted with a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.
But Bush dismissed the worries, stating that the Bush-Cheney team is "more fit than ever" to lead the country.
"You'll find no healthier duo than Dick Cheney and I," Bush said. The president hesitated, as if waiting for a signal, and when none came, broke into a toothy grin.
President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England.
Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.
The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.
Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought --- you know, if you hadn't said somethingg, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
*Texas Horseshoes...*
*Here's some other election info:*
This is a picture of the real ballot that was used in Florida:
Not too confusing, right? You just start from the top and work your way down to figure out the one who's the better of the two that have the chance. But guess what? It wasn't the ballots that were confusing, it was the fact that you had to put the ballot on this tray thing. Beneath each punch-able "chad" there was supposed to be a hole so the it would go somewhere. But guess what? There was no hole under Gore's spot. That caused what is called "pregnant chads," because the punchy-thing they used to punch the hole only made a dent, it didn't actually go through. People are suspecting that the republicans in Florida made the design flaw on purpose! What do you think? I think it's the same as making the ballot look like this...
...then you could understand the confusion, right?
If everyone could just use voting machines!
Now, let's have a discussion with some key people who were in the election. There's also some who weren't in the election and weren't involved with it in any way, shape, or form, but they felt that had to bust in and become a part of it.
Debate Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
VICE PRESIDENT GORE:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
GOVERNOR
GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN:
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH
NADER:
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY
FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Yes, just like Tinky-Winky. Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
BILL
CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
LOUIS
FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
<http://www.theatlantic.com/unbound/sage/ss2000-11-16.htm>
Last updated December 21, 2002
Katie Tyson