Issue # 1

For those of you who took the time to read the message for long-time subscribers, you know that the Katiekins Newsletter has a lost issue. Now, all I can reveal to you at this time
(I don't want to spoil it for when it is re-released) is that the infamous lost issue had the theme of television (big surprise, huh?). So, it is only fitting that this next issue
have the theme of movies. It's a bit scattered, but most of you should know from talking to me in person that I always think a little scattered. Regardless, it should be much better than the first issue sent via e-mail, seeing as how
that one totally blew chunks. Anyway, on with the show.

Mike Meyers

Originally, this portion was written after the other sections of this newsletter. But I found that this brilliant actor influenced so many parts of the newwsletter that it only seemed reasonable that it go first. Now, I am not sure how many of you know this, but I kindof have a little obsession with Mike Meyers. No, no, it's nothing weird. I mean sure, Dr. Evil is terribly sexy, but come on, he was on "Saturday Night Live" while I was still in elementary school AND he's married. That's just too weird for me. (Note: this is no time to mention Anthony Perkins, my dead, gay husband. The man was dead before I knew who he was, making it a little less harmful to joke about stalking him. Mike Meyers is still alive. ) I just mean that I've seen everyone of his movies and relish in every "Saturday Night Live" character he played. So let's take a look at some of the wonderful wonders that are Mike Meyers. First of all, look at the name---Mike Meyers. Who else but Katiekins' obsession would share a name with a villian in a famous horror flick? (For those of you who don't know enough about horror
flicks---SHAME!---Mike Meyers is also the name of the villian in the "Halloween" series of horror movies with Jamie
Lee Curtis.) Mike played Wayne Campbell (I'm not worthy!), Simon---the little boy who draws in the bathtub, and Linda
Richmond during his reign as god of "Saturday Night Live." Any man who can wear those sweaters while talking about how much Barbara Steisand
(whom he also impersonated on the show) is like buttah on national television has my vote. But best of all, he played Wayne Campbell from "Wayne's World!" And if any of you have seen the movie "So I Married An Axe Murder," you've seen him playing an older Scottsman singing Rod Stewart's "If you think I'm sexy" karaoke style to bagpipe music at his son's wedding. And I don't believe I have to mention again how sexy I find Dr. Evil to be. Well Garth, I believe I've scared my subscribers enough. Let's move on.

Katiekins the Critic

When I was younger, I often thought of myself as a movie critic. Getting paid to watch movies and eat Milk Duds (I
hate movie popcorn) seemed like such a wonderful job. But then I though about being forced to watch certain movies like "8 mm" and anything with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. This eventually led to images of Keanu Reeves, Kevin Costner, the re-make of "Psycho," all of those made for teens movies, and possibly one day "the Life Story of John Tesh." Okay, so maybe being a movie critic isn't the perfect job for me. Don't get me wrong, I still love watching movies with Milk Duds and my favorite movies ("Psycho," "Unbreakable," and "Memento") all got pretty good reviews from what I understand. So it's not that I would be horrible at the job. I just hate so many movies! So I guess I'll never be a real movie critic. I will, however, be the official movie critic for the Katiekins Newsletter. I am, after all, the only critic out there who expresses the same views of the editors for the newsletter (me). Well, isn't that peachy!

Shrek

Recently, I finally had the opportunity of seeing the movie "Shrek" at the dollar theatre. For months I heard from everyone I knew, "You haven't seen 'Shrek' yet? You have to go see it, you would love it!" And if you've seen the line up, how could anyone think I wouldn't love it? First, it has
John Lithgow. I've always found him very entertaining as a pompus alien on television. Then they have Eddie Murphey as
a talking donkey! As if I wouldn't love the talking donkey alone! Next we have Cameron Diaz. I've always felt a special connection with her ever since she played the Angel I identify with. And then, as if it wasn't good enough,
they put in Mike Meyers---with a Scotts' accent!!! I'll tell you, I was singing Rod Stewart throughout the movie. So I
finally saw it, and I thought it was pretty funny, but I can't say it was so brilliant as to be called the best movie of the summer (granted, it was the best movie of the summer, but only through process of ilimination which only proves to me more that the quality of movies these days is declining quite badly). I must add my little movie critic speach now:
"Shrek" was good, but not great or anything. I'm telling you, there are some people out there that probably want to nomonate it for an Oscar. It started
with a very strong comedic presence, but toward the end, they concentrated so much on the story line and everybody
falling in love that they kindof forgot to put the comedy in that part. So all you get are a few lame jokes about what
John Litgow was compensating for. And yes, that was still funny, but it wasn't anywhere near the expectations we get
from how humorous the beginning was. And who the hell told Smashmouth they could re-make a Monkees' song? Don't get me started on that. Well, I suppose I am not giving "Shrek" enough credit. It was really clever at times, but my favorites are still "Psycho," "Unbreakable," and "Memento." (By the way, if you don't know what "Memento" is, I suggest you go to your local video store and rent it. They do swear in it which I know some of you will not like---which is why I mentioned it---but if you can see past that, it is a
brilliant movie. Just make sure your rewind button is working!)

The Psycho Hose Beast

As many of you know and many of you don't, I was recently involved in a relationship. Yes, hard as it is to believe,
Katie managed to get herself a boyfriend. Now please, forget those images of wining and dining and bringing flowers to the door. If I had those kinds of standards, I would be single for life. Besides, that kind of treatment freaks me out. Anyway, I don't intend to talk about the courtship element of the relationship, I intend to talk about the break-up
elements of the relationship---mainly those that parallel certain scenes in the movie "Wayne's World." Now, to
protect my ex-boyfriend (seeing as how I have reason to believe he was embarrassed to be dating me) I will change certain aspects of his name. We will simply call him Curtis. That's
an innocent enough name, right? Anyway, getting started. In the movie "Wayne's World," Wayne keeps running into his
ex-girlfriend (the Psycho Hose Beast) in public. Garth taps Wayne on the shoulder and says in his all too nasal voice, "Hey Wayne, isn't that your
ex-girlfiend?" motioning towards a red-headed Lara Flyn Boyle as she rides past them on her bike, waving her broken
arm in the air. Wayne shudders. And though I haven't had
the...uh...pleasure? of seeing Curtis since the breakup (or
even during the breakup for that matter), I picture such a chance meeting between the two of us to be fairly similar. I
would be at the mall with some friends (since that's the only place we would both concevably be at during the same time frame) when Curtis passes by. Sarah, in her best Garth impression (she really does this too!) would tap me on the shoulder and say, "Hey Katie, isn't that your ex-boyfriend?"
motioning toward the tall, awkward guy walking past in a shirt with a disturbing message on it. Of course, Curtis would not wave, but rather snort out of the side of his right nostrill as we make eye contact and then pretend to not have seen me. And of course, I'm not strong enough to just shudder. I'd most likely just yell out, "Oh Holy Crap!" and try to hide
underneith the table I was sitting at. Okay, so maybe this doesn't really parallel any scene in the movie. But, we could make it. Curtis doesn't have to be the Psycho Hose Beast. Why does he get all of the good parts? Lara Flyn Boyle was a red-head and at times I have been known to be a red-head. And we all know she was stalking Wayne. That's how
she broke her arm! And though the movie doesn't show their breakup (since it had already occured before the time in which the movie begins) there had to have been something wrong with the breakup that the Psycho Hose Beast wasn't fully aware that she and Wayne had broken up. Well, in the circumstances around my breakup with Curtis, no one was aware we were breaking up because he just stopped calling me. I could easily buy Curtis a gun
rack for some random gift-exchanging occasion---and for me, giving it to him in front of his friends he'd never let me meet would be some much fun, and not quite as frieghtening as the Batman underwear I gave him for his birthday. Oh, admit it, once you met me you all
thought I'd be a stalker at one time or another. We'll just pretend I'm really stalking Wayne which in essence would be stalking Mike Meyers. No, no, no. This is all just a joke. I'm not really going to stalk anybody. I'm not comming after you, Curtis. I'm not that obsessed Mike. Oh man. Now I'm
going to have the police on my tail.

Well, I belive that's all I have to say this time. Unfortunately, I couldn't come up with a good question so I'll give you the option of answeing one of three lesser questions. Option A: What is your favorite movie and why?
Option B: Should I indeed buy Curtis a gun rack for Christmas to freak him out?
Option C: Is Mike Meyers in fact a god of "Saturday Night Live"?
Or, you can just yell at me for trashing "Shrek." Well, thank you all for reading and please, write me back a response! I have no life!