REDEMPTION
Part 9/13
Disclaimer: see part one. :-)
Kathryn Janeway looked up from the book she was reading when the chime to her door rang. "Come," she said wondering who it could be, she was somewhat surprised when Chakotay entered her quarters looking a little worse for wear.
"Commander what can I do for you?" Kathryn asked as she motioned for him to sit on the couch. Before he could answer she asked anxiously, "How's Tom?"
"Tom's doing a bit better I think, he's sleeping right now, that's why I was able to come." Chakotay looked a down at his hands for a moment, "I need to ask a favour."
"Anything, you know that." Janeway replied.
"Can I have the next week off from duties. I've already made the crew rotation for the next few weeks ahead of time, and was able to catch up on some work while Tom was sleeping."
"Granted" the Captain said while Chakotay breathed a sigh of relief. Kathryn knew that Chakotay had taken to bringing reports to sickbay with him so he could work on them while Tom slept. She had tried to dissuade him from doing so, but he said he needed something to occupy his mind. But then the doctor had come to her and mentioned that the Commander was starting to neglect his sleep, concerned Kathryn wanted to talk to him. "How are you feeling Chakotay? The doctor has mentioned that you are not getting enough sleep."
"Oh, I'll be all right." Chakotay said unconvincingly.
Kathryn gave him her best no-nonsense look and Chakotay had enough sense to look abashed.
"All right," he finally gave in, "I feel rotten and I really need someone to talk to."
Kathryn rose from her seat and walked over to him. "I'm here for you if you need to talk. You know you can come to me at anytime, " she said as she laid her hand comfortingly on his shoulder. "In fact I have some free time now," she asked as she moved away from him and went to the replicator. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Chamomile tea, please," he responded.
Kathryn turned to the replicator. "Coffee black and Chamomile Tea." Kathryn picked up the two steaming mugs and offered one to Chakotay. Sitting next to him on the couch she said, "Where do you want to start."
Chakotay took a moment to think of where to begin. He took a sip of the tea and let the hot liquid soothe his tattered nerves. "It's hard to know where to begin. I have so many emotions running through me."
"Well maybe you can start by identifying those emotions?"
"I feel everything from guilt to shame to anger, and everything in between. I feel so guilty for not knowing how badly Tom was hurting, how could I have been so stupid!" Chakotay berated himself.
"Stop right there Chakotay, you are not stupid. And since when did you learn to read minds?"
"What?" Chakotay asked momentarily confused by the question.
"You said you felt bad for not knowing how badly Tom was hurting? Did he ever talk to you?" Kathryn asked. She continued when Chakotay shook his head no, "So how could you know how badly he was feeling?"
"I don't know, I just should have."
"What would you say if I felt guilty too?" Kathryn asked.
"You feel guilty? You have nothing to feel guilty about."
"But I do, I was the one who placed him in the brig in the first place, maybe I pushed him to far."
"No Kathryn," Chakotay started, "you were only doing your job, you had to discipline him. Anyway it's useless to think like that, you can't change the past."
Kathryn smiled slightly at the Commander, "I think you need to take your own advice." she said sagely.
Chakotay thought about what he just said and nodded, "You're right, I'm being foolish."
"Chakotay I wish you would stop putting yourself down," Kathryn replied concerned about her friend.
"I'm sorry, I know I am being hard on myself, but I can't help but think I deserve it."
Kathryn took a sip of coffee as she thought that maybe Chakotay needed some counselling too. "You don't deserve it Chakotay, you really don't. I don't know how to make you see that. Have you talked to Tom about the way you feel?"
"Spirits no!" Chakotay replied slightly irritated, "he has enough on his plate already, I don't want to add to his burdens."
Janeway watched the Commander drink some more tea willing himself to relax. "You said you also feel angry? At Tom?" she asked.
Chakotay nodded his head softly and looked down at the floor.
"Are you mad at him for trying to kill himself?" she prompted, "or for not coming to you to talk to?"
"Both I guess," Chakotay replied. Lifting his head to look at the Captain he looked forlorn. "Why! Why would he do it? Why couldn't he come to me?"
"I don't know," Kathryn replied softly, "maybe he felt he couldn't."
Chakotay shook his head in disbelief, "Did you know we had a date the first night after he was out of the brig?"
Kathryn shook her head no.
"Well we did and it was wonderful. We had dinner we talked, I thought things were going fine. Then he had a nightmare and it all went to pieces."
"How did it all fall to pieces?" she asked.
Chakotay thought for a moment deciding whether or not to tell the Captain what had happened that night and the night after, about Tom's statement of not being loved. But the Commander had to get it off his chest, it was burning him inside like a corrosive liquid. "Well he had the nightmare and then he was terrified of me when I woke him up. When he came to himself he went into the living room and poured himself a drink of wine. When I said he shouldn't hide his fears in alcohol he started to get upset." Chakotay took another sip of tea, remembering the painful memories of that night. "I all but told him he was reverting to his days before the Maquis. Well, he freaked he told me to fuck off and threw the glass he was holding across the room. Gods I was so stupid," Chakotay berated himself, "and it only gets worse. He came to my quarters the next night, drunk, and tried to seduce me. I rejected him. I told him it was because I loved him that I wouldn't make love to him. He lost control again and started shouting that no one loved him, and he started to list off the people who hated him, his father, the maquis, the prisoners at Auckland, you."
"Me," Kathryn replied shocked.
"Yes, even you, he thought that everyone hated him. I knew then that Tom was having problems, but did I make him talk? No. I kept promising myself that I would do it later, always fucking later. And looked what happened." Chakotay couldn't help himself, the tears started to slip down his cheeks, days of frustration and anguish were looking for a way out.
"Kathryn placed her coffee on the table and pulled Chakotay into an comforting embrace. "Chakotay you couldn't have know," she whispered encouragingly to him.
Chakotay sobbed on Kathryn's shoulder for a moment before he collected himself, "I'm sorry Captain, I didn't mean to come here and burden you with my problems," he said with a sniff.
"I'm not the Captain right now Chakotay, I'm your friend."
Chakotay smile slightly at Janeway as he sat back up and while wiping away the tears with his hand.
"Chakotay," Kathryn began softly, "I think you should bring these thoughts up when Tom starts counselling, or your just going to start resenting him."
"I know, I just don't want him to think he has upset me this much. I think he will see it as another failure."
"I understand, Tom is pretty fragile right now. When does his counselling start?"
"Well it looks like the doctor is going to release him tomorrow morning. Tuvok wants him to start as soon as he's discharge, so it will probably start tomorrow or the next day," Chakotay replied, "but I think the sooner the better. Tom is still having a hard time of it."
"Has the antidepressants helped at all?" Janeway asked.
"I think they have helped a bit, he seems to be a bit calmer, but again, he is very adept at hiding his true feelings." Chakotay couldn't help the huge yawn that escaped.
"Well Commander, I think that you need some sleep," Kathryn stated.
Chakotay nodded wearily, "You're right, I do. I should really get back to sickbay."
Kathryn wanted to argue, to tell Chakotay to go to his own quarters tonight to catch up on his sleep, but she knew it was a helpless cause. "Please tell Tom I say hi, and that I am thinking of him."
Chakotay nodded as he got up from the couch and walked to the door, "I will Kathryn. Good night, and thanks for everything."
"You're welcome," she replied, "If you need to talk you know where to find me."
Chakotay flashed a smile in her direction and left.
************************************************
Tom woke up to the familiar surroundings of sickbay. Sighing he looked around for Chakotay but could not find him. Tom started to panic slightly. The Commander had always been there when he woken up, *maybe the Big Man had left him* Tom thought to himself. Tom hesitantly called out, "Chakotay?"
"He's not here right now," the doctor said when he heard Tom calling for his lover.
"Where is he?' Tom asked quietly. He had been in sickbay for three days and he was still not comfortable around the doctor.
"I believe he went to visit the Captain."
Tom closed his eyes and willed himself not to think thoughts like Chakotay had finally seen the light and abandoned him. Tom felt a tight ball of worry starting to knot his stomach. Deciding that he should find Chakotay he sat up and stepped off the biobed.
"What are you doing Mr. Paris?" the doctor asked when he noticed Tom walking towards the door.
"I...I need to find Chakotay," Tom replied.
The doctor stepped in front of his patient, "Mr. Paris, you are not discharged yet, please go back and sit down."
Tom shook his head no and moved around the doctor heading towards the door.
"Mr. Paris, I will have to call security if you leave."
Tom hesitated for a moment, but all he could think of was that he had an overwhelming urge to find Chakotay.
The doors to sickbay swung open when Tom reached them and he walked straight into the Commander.
"Tom, what are you doing?" he asked surprised to see him at the door.
"I was coming to find you," he replied frightened, "you left me."
Chakotay pulled Tom into an embrace. "I left sickbay Tom, not you."
Tom buried his head against Chakotay's neck, "I'm sorry, I know I'm just insecure." He murmured softly.
Chakotay lead Tom back to his biobed nodding to the doctor that everything was under control, "It's ok, you're bound to have feelings like that."
Tom looked away, "So what did you go see the Captain about?" he ask curiously.
Chakotay kissed Tom on the cheek, "I went and asked if I could have the next week off, and she granted it."
Tom's eyes lite up, he was afraid Chakotay was going to have to go back to duty soon and that he would be all alone. He knew he was depending on the Commander to much, but he could not help it. He could never depend on anyone before, and it felt kind of good to have someone willing to fuss over him. "That's great," Tom replied as he threw his arms around Chakotay.
"I thought you would like that," he said as he leaned in closer for a kiss.
Tom thought that this was the best medicine available. He always felt better after Chakotay's kisses.
Chakotay broke away and looked at his lover fondly. He looked so much better, the severe paleness that had plagued him for a day had left, and his skin flushed a healthy pink. He was also starting to sleep less, more back to his regular routine. Chakotay now knew this was a good sign, as depression often caused people to sleep a lot, to try and escape life. Chakotay knew that Tom was still depressed, but not at the point he was when he tired to kill himself. Tom had actually started to talk to him a bit, telling him how he felt.
"So, I think the doctor's going to discharge you tomorrow." Chakotay said pleased at Tom's smile of relief.
"I can't wait to get out of here," he replied, then his face fell a bit. "I guess that means that the counselling sessions start tomorrow."
Chakotay brushed Tom's arm reassuringly. "Yes, it does."
Tom looked away from Chakotay for a moment, "I guess it's for the best." Tom was still petrified that Chakotay would leave him once he learned the awful truths about his past.
Chakotay knew that the counselling was going to be hard on his lover, and he wanted to show him as much support as possible. "Yes Tom it is for the best. Counselling will help you to find ways to deal with your pain in a more constructive way." he said reassuringly.
Tom sighed, he still liked his old way for dealing with the pain, ignoring it, but he knew that he could not do that anymore. There was just too much shit in his life to keep it bottled up. It would keep bubbling up to the surface where it would explode in his face again. Tom looked back at Chakotay, "Can I stay with you for a few days? I don't think I can handle being alone."
"Of course you can. After you're discharged tomorrow we'll get some of your things from your quarters and bring them to mine. But just remember anytime you need to be alone you just tell me, and you can go back to your own quarters."
"Ok, I'll remember."
Chakotay and Tom turned in the direction of the doctor when they heard him clear his throat. "I don't see why Mr. Paris can't be discharged tonight. If he agrees to stay with you Commander he can go right now."
Tom's face lite up as Chakotay replied, "Of course I'll stay with him."
"Good," the doctor replied, "maybe this way you will get some sleep as well Commander, in your own bed."
Tom looked at Chakotay, "You're not sleeping?" he asked worriedly.
Chakotay threw a dark look at the doctor, "I'm sleeping fine Tom, don't worry," Chakotay
said convincingly.
Tom looked closely at Chakotay, "You look tired."
"I'm fine baby, I just stayed up to late last night finishing reports."
"Oh, O.K."
"Any ways now we get to sleep in a more comfortable bed tonight, I'm sure I'll get plenty of sleep."
Tom smiled at his lover and nodded his agreement.
"Now, Mr. Paris," the doctor began, "I am going to have your life signs monitored twenty-four hours a day, and you will have limited access to the replicators. You will only be able to replicate food, drinks and basic necessitates."
Tom nodded solemnly, he had expected this and it was no surprise.
"You will also start counselling session with Tuvok tomorrow at 1300 hours. I will also be gradually reducing your doses of antidepressants through out the next couple of weeks, if you find that you are not able to cope I want you to come back to me and we will reassess the dosages. And I will be checking your hypospray regularly to make sure you are taking your medication."
Tom nodded, "Can I go now?" he asked impatiently.
The doctor sniffed and replied, "Yes. You are discharged under Commander Chakotay's surveillance."
Tom jump off the biobed and made for his cloths. Taking them into the bathroom he began to change. It felt so good to be out of that damn gown.
Leaving the bathroom he walked up to Chakotay and took one of his hands.
"Ready?" the Commander asked.
"Yep, get me the hell out of here." Tom replied smiling.
Chakotay chuckled as they left sickbay hand in hand.
to be continued.......
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