REDEMPTION
Part 8/13
Disclaimer: see part one. :-)
Chakotay woke feeling the doctor shaking him slightly. "Commander! Commander, Tom is waking up."
Chakotay came awake instantly and sat up on the biobed. He looked over at Tom who was stirring slightly. "Can I talk to him alone?" he asked.
The doctor nodded, "I will be in my office if you need me."
Chakotay stepped off the bed and made his way to Tom. Picking up one of Tom's hands he waited for him to waken totally.
Tom felt his hand being held. *He's still here,* he thought to himself. Opening his eyes he turned in the direction of the older man, a small smile playing across his lips. "You're still here," he stated repeating his earlier thought.
"Of course I am," came the reply. "I told you that I would never leave you."
Tom struggled to sit up on the bed, weaving slightly from being tired and anaemic.
Chakotay reached out to support him. "How are you feeling?" He asked.
Tom thought for a moment, "I don't know."
"Are you hungry?"
"No."
"Would you like something to drink?"
Tom thought about it for a moment, "Yes please."
Chakotay looked in the doctor's direction, moving to the replicator when the doctor nodded his approval.
"Here you go baby," Chakotay said as he handed Tom the glass of water.
Tom drank down the cold liquid quickly. The loss of blood had made him dehydrated, and he needed to replenish his liquids.
"Thank you," Tom said quietly as he handed the cup back to Chakotay. Tom grabbed one of the Commander's hands and looked at him, "I'm sorry I did this to you," he said, his eyes filling with tears.
"Hush Tom, it's ok."
"Shit, I can't seem to stop crying."
"Tom it's ok, you can cry if you want to."
Swinging his legs over the biobed he let go of the Commander's hand and wrapped his arms around him. Pulling him close he embraced Chakotay, melding his body to the Commander's. "I'm sorry," Tom whispered in his ear as he started to cry.
Chakotay placed his arms around the slender pilot. "Shhh, let it out, it will help."
Tom buried his face between the Commander's neck and shoulder. Wracking sobs started to shake his body. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," he kept repeating between sobs.
Chakotay held Tom closer, murmuring words of comfort to him until he started to collect himself.
Tom continued to lay his head on the older man's shoulder, "Why do you put up with me?"
"Because I love you baby. I will always love you"
"Why?"
Chakotay pulled back so he could look into Tom's eyes, "For a thousand reasons your beautiful, smart, funny, your the other half of my soul."
"How can you see all those things when they're not there?"
"They're there baby, you just don't see them yet."
"I don't think I ever will," Tom replied solemnly. "I'm so tired Cha."
Chakotay pulled Tom back into an embrace, "You can rest now, I'll be here."
Tom was quiet for a time then asked, "What happens now?"
"You're going to need counselling Tom, you have to figure out why you feel so bad, and what you can do to make yourself feel better."
"I'm afraid," Tom confessed quietly.
"I'll be with you every step of the way if you want."
*Can I do it?* Tom thought. *Can I bare my soul to someone? Can I afford to let Chakotay in?* Tom was confused.
"I'm so confused, I don't know what to do?" Tom admitted.
"It's ok Tom, you have a couple of days before the sessions start."
Tom looked down at the floor and asked "If....if you learn about certain things in my past will you leave me?" This was Tom's greatest fear.
"I'll never leave you Tom, how can I leave half of my soul?" Chakotay replied with a slight smile.
Tom remained doubtful, so much had happened to him, he didn't think anyone would stand beside him.
Chakotay hugged Tom tighter trying to give the younger man some of his strength.
"Cha?"
"Yes?"
"Can you kiss me?" Tom asked quietly.
Chakotay laughed, "That is one request I will never say no to."
Chakotay brought Tom's head towards his own, he gently placed his lips over the pilot's, kissing him deeply he let Tom feel all the love he had for him. Breaking away from the kiss he looked deep into the pilot's eyes.
"Thank you," Tom whispered.
"Your welcome," the Commander replied as he bent down for another kiss.
Tom whimpered, he felt all the love Chakotay had for him, but he did not know if he would ever be worthy of it.
Chakotay broke away again, "I'm sorry," He whispered as he placed he forehead on Tom's. "It's too soon."
"No, don't be sorry, I need to feel that you still love me."
Tom wrapped his arms around the Commander again. He wished he could stay like this forever, he felt safe, warm, comfortable. It was like Chakotay was his haven.
Tom let out a huge yawn.
"You should lay down again Tom."
Tom nodded as he swung his legs back up on the bed. Laying down he took the Commander's hand again.
Chakotay heard the doctor clearing his throat behind him. "I need to examine Mr. Paris again."
Tom squeezed Chakotay's hand and nodded. Closing his eyes he refused to look at the doctor.
The doctor finished his exam, "Tom, I need to give you an I.V. bolus of fluids, you're seriously dehydrated," The doctor stated. "Do you understand?" The doctor continued when Tom made no reply.
Tom nodded, but still refused to open his eyes.
The doctor looked meaningfully at Chakotay, but continued on with his work.
"I also want to start you on antidepressants. They will help level out your moods."
Tom shook his head no.
"I'm sorry Tom, but I'm afraid I must insist on this, at least for the next couple of days. I will reassess then and see where we stand.
Tom reluctantly nodded his approval.
The doctor placed the hypospray to Tom's neck and injected the antidepressant. Tom instantly felt calmer.
The doctor moved away from the biobed and Tom cracked open one eye. "Is he gone?" he asked Chakotay.
"Yes, he's gone back to his office. Why didn't you want to look at him."
Tom shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know." But Tom knew, he couldn't handle looking at anyone else, he couldn't bear to see the disappointment in their eyes.
Chakotay stroked Tom's hair, "That's ok, you don't have to figure it out right now."
Tom smiled and yawned.
Chakotay leaned down and placed a kiss on Tom's forehead, "I think you need more sleep."
Tom nodded, "Will you stay with me?"
"Of course," Chakotay replied as he sat in his chair. "I will stay as long as you need me too."
Smiling softly Tom closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
*******************************************
Tuvok entered sickbay and made his way to Chakotay where he sat watching Tom sleep.
"Commander," Tuvok said nodding in his direction.
"Tuvok," Chakotay replied.
"I've come to assess Mr. Paris before our counselling sessions are to begin"
Chakotay motioned for Tuvok to follow him. Entering the doctor's office they both sat down.
"He's still asleep," Chakotay stated, "but he was awake for a while earlier. I talked to him for a bit and then the doctor came over and assessed him."
"How was his state of mind last night?"
Chakotay thought for a moment before replying. "Well he kept apologizing over and over again, he also refused to look at the doctor."
Tuvok contemplated this for a moment, "He seems to experiencing feelings of shame and guilt. When you said he doesn't look at the doctor what does he do, does he turn his head or close his eyes?"
"He closes his eyes."
"Does he do this with you as well."
"No he's able to look at me, though it was difficult in the beginning."
"It seems that he is comfortable being around you, but he is afraid of what other's reactions are going to be."
Chakotay nodded his agreement.
"May I ask how you are feeling Commander?" Tuvok asked.
Chakotay frowned and looked away from the Vulcan in Tom's direction. Rubbing his hands over his face he said, "I feel guilty."
Tuvok was fascinated, this was the same reaction of the Captain. "Guilty?"
"Yes, Guilty. I should have seen this coming. I knew he was hurting but I did nothing. I kept promising myself I would talk to him, but always later." Chakotay stood up and started to pace the room. "You know what I told Tom? I told him he was the other half of my soul, and dammit I didn't know he was this hurting this bad. He gave me plenty of reason to be worried, but I just brushed it aside."
"Commander, what you are describing is a typical reaction for one to go through when a loved one has tried to harm himself. You say you did nothing? But did you not try to talk to him?"
"Yes," replied Chakotay warily, "But..."
"No Commander, it is hard for people to face when their loved ones are depressed. Many people do not know what to do, what to say. They hope that the person hurting will be feel better the next day, that maybe you were over-reacting to how the depressed person was feeling."
Chakotay dropped back into the chair and stared at his hands laying in his lap. "But, the signs were all there, the sleeping, the drinking, why didn't I see them for what they were?"
"Commander, it is useless to look into the past and wonder what you could have done. All you can do now is be there for the patient."
Chakotay sighed, he knew Tuvok was right, but he still couldn't help but feel guilty.
"Perhaps you can attend some counselling sessions with Mr. Paris if he allows it." Tuvok stated.
Chakotay nodded, "Yes, I think he wants me to be there anyway."
"Very well," Tuvok replied. "Has he been told that I will be the one counselling him?"
"No, not yet."
"Do you think he will broke any arguments?"
Chakotay sighed, "I don't know. I think it will be hard on him to talk to anyone, but he needs to let all the pain he is feeling out."
At that moment the doctor walked into his office. "Mr. Paris is waking up again."
Chakotay stood, "I have to go be with him."
Tuvok nodded, "Very well, I will be over shortly to talk to the both of you. But first I need to speak to the doctor."
Chakotay nodded his acknowledgement and walked over to Tom. "Hey there," He said quietly when Tom opened his eyes.
"Hi," Tom whispered back.
"How are you feeling?"
"I don't know, the same I guess."
Chakotay leaned down to stroke Tom's hair, "Tom there something I have to tell you."
Tom closed his eyes, *here it come's* he thought, *He's going to leave me.*
"Baby look at me," Chakotay said.
Tom opened his eyes hesitantly, afraid of what he would see in Chakotay's eyes. He was surprised when he didn't see disappointment.
"Tom you know that you have to attend counselling right?" Chakotay continued when Tom nodded his affirmation. "Well it was decided that Tuvok would be the best for the job."
"Tuvok? Why can't the doctor do it?" Tom asked, secretly he wanted neither of them to counsel him.
"He's not programed for the depth of counselling that you require. Are you ok with this?"
Tom turned his head away from Chakotay sighing deeply. "Do I have a choice?"
"Oh baby, you always have a choice, but this is for your best interest."
"Will you come with me still?"
"Yes, anything you want."
"Ok then," Tom replied. Tom didn't know what good it was going to be to have Tuvok counsel him. He always felt that the Vulcan hated him.
"Tom, Tuvok's here now, he wants to talk to you for a moment."
Tom tensed, "Now?"
"Don't worry I'll be here." Chakotay answered as he motioned for Tuvok to come over.
Tom reached for Chakotay's hand and gripped tightly, closing his eyes he waited for Tuvok to speak first.
"Mr. Paris, how are you feeling? " Tuvok asked, noticing Tom's closed eyes.
"Fine" Tom replied quietly.
"Can you look at me Tom?" Tuvok asked.
Tom reluctantly opened his eyes, but did not look in Tuvok's direction.
Tuvok raised an eyebrow but said nothing. "Has the Commander told you I am to conduct your counselling sessions?'
"Yes."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Fine."
Tuvok glanced at Chakotay. Chakotay was holding one of Tom's hands, no that wasn't right, Tom was clutching one of the Commander's hands as of holding on for dear life. "Very well," Tuvok said, "we can begin your counselling sessions as soon as the doctor thinks your physically capable to start."
"I want Chakotay to be there." Tom stated quietly.
"Of course, what ever makes you comfortable Mr. Paris."
Tom risked a quick glance at Tuvok. Tuvok caught Tom's glance and nodded at him, hoping someway to ease Tom's tension.
"Can I be alone with Chakotay now?" Tom asked.
"Yes, I will see you at our first counselling session." With that Tuvok nodded at the Commander and turned to leave. "If either one of you feels the need to talk to me before hand, don't hesitate to call."
Tom nodded and sighed with relief when Tuvok left sickbay. Turning to look at Chakotay he said, "That didn't go as badly as I thought it would."
"You did fine," the Commander replied leaning down to kiss Tom's forehead. Chakotay knew that the next few days were going to be hard on both of them. But he vowed to himself that he would be there for Tom one-hundred percent.
to be continued.......
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