REDEMPTION
Part 7
Disclaimer: see part one. :-)
Dedicated to Gail for all the wonderful feedback she has given me. Help's on the way darling. :-)
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Tom felt something touching his hand but he didn't have the strength to open his eyes. *Or maybe my eyes are open and it's dark here? Wherever here is,* Tom thought. *Gods, why am I so tired?*
Chakotay sat by Tom noticing him struggling to wake up. He started to stroke the pilot's forehead. "Wake up darling, come on, I know you can do it," Chakotay whispered in his ear.
*Why is Chakotay here?* Tom thought. "Where am I?" Tom whispered softly.
Chakotay strained to hear Tom, his voice was so low, and tired sounding. "Your in sickbay," Chakotay whispered softly back.
"Sickbay?" Tom forced his eyes to open. It took a while but he finally focused on Chakotay.
"Hi," Chakotay whispered not wanting to break the quiet of the room.
Tom's eye's darted around sickbay, "How, how did I get here?" he asked uncertainly.
Chakotay sighed, "I found you in your bedroom and we were beamed here."
It all came rushing back to Tom, the arguments, the dagger, the pain. "Oh Gods," he whispered, "you must hate me."
Chakotay leaned down and kissed Tom on the forehead, "No baby, I don't hate you."
Tom started to cry, "I'm so worthless." Tom couldn't bear to look at the Commander, he couldn't stand to see if there was any disappointment in his eyes.
"Tom honey, look at me," the Commander asked.
"No," was the soft reply.
"Tom please."
Slowly Tom turned his head to look at Chakotay. He did not see disappointment, he saw love.
Tom started to cry even harder. "I don't deserve you, you should leave."
"No Tom, I'm never leaving."
Tears started to stream down the younger man's face. "I'm not worth it," he sobbed.
Chakotay lifted Tom to a sitting position and carefully wrapped his arms around him holding him hard against his chest. "You are worth it baby, trust me, you are."
Tom couldn't stop the tears, he clung to Chakotay's chest like a child.
"Let it go Tom, let it go," Chakotay whispered as he stroked the younger man's back in a calming motion.
"I tried to kill myself," Tom wailed, "and I fucked that up too."
Chakotay let go of Tom and gripped his face in his hands. "No Tom, you didn't fuck up, your still here with me, that will never be a mistake."
Tom could barely look the Commander in the eyes, his shame would not let him. "Can you please hold me again?" he whispered tentatively.
"Of course I can." Chakotay wrapped his arms around the younger man again. He started to sway back and forth in a comforting manner. "Tom, I want you to know that I love you. You may not believe me yet, but I do love you, with all of my heart."
Tom didn't believe him, not yet. He just clung tighter and started to cry again. It felt so good to be in the Commander's embrace, he never wanted to let go.
Chakotay continued rocking Tom until the younger man fell back asleep. He gently laid the pilot back down on the biobed and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. *Sleep well my love," he thought to himself.
Chakotay sighed and went into the doctor's office where the doctor had watched the whole scene.
"How is he?" inquired the doctor.
"He's tired, and he's ashamed. He thinks he messed this up too."
"Commander," The doctor said comfortingly, "he's bound to feel that way for a while. It's up to us to show him that it's not true."
"I know, I just think it will be a long road to recovery," Chakotay said as he looked back out the window at Tom.
"When is the last time you have eaten?" the doctor inquired.
"I don't know, breakfast I think."
"It's now past supper, I think maybe you should go to the mess hall and get something to eat."
"No, I don't want to leave Tom, in case he wakes up again."
"Very well, you may use the replicator to make something,"
Chakotay thanked the doctor and made his way to the replicator. Ordering a light dinner he sat down and watched Tom.
The doctor poked his head out of the office. "Commander, Ensign Kim is requesting to come to sickbay to see Tom. I will leave the decision up to you."
Chakotay thought of Tom's best friend, he must be anxious for any news. Tom probably didn't want to see anyone else, but now that he was asleep again it should be ok. "Tell Mr. Kim he can come by now if he likes."
The doctor nodded and re-entered his office.
Chakotay was finishing his dinner when Harry came through the doors. Harry's face crumpled as he looked at Tom. Chakotay was at his side in an instant, knowing the young ensign was probably assigning blame to himself.
"Oh Chakotay, what has he done?" he asked quietly. "I should have tried more to be there for him. This is all my fault."
Chakotay grabbed Harry by his shoulders. "No, it's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault. How many times did we try to talk to him? All we can do for him now is to be here for him."
Harry nodded as he looked back at Tom, "Has he woken up yet?"
"Yes, he was up about 20 minutes ago. He seems to be resting comfortably now."
"How was he, I mean did he say anything when he awoke?"
"Not really, he cried a lot and would not look at me much. I think he might be feeling ashamed."
Harry sighed and made his way over to Tom's biobed. Tom still looked awfully pale, but the cuts in his wrists were totally healed. There was only a faint pink lines where the slashes had been, but those would fade in a day or two.
Tears appeared in Harry's eyes as he watched his friend lying helpless on the biobed. He couldn't help it, he still felt some guilt over what had happened. Harry turned to look at the Commander, "You'll let me know when he's up for visitors?"
"Of course," Chakotay replied.
Harry nodded and looked at his friend one last time. "Ok, I should be going, B'Elanna wants to know how he is doing as well. We decided between the two of us to give him some time to be alone with you. We both feel he will not be up for visitors for a while."
"Thank you," Chakotay whispered. "I appreciate it."
Harry walked up to the Commander, "If you need someone to talk to, call either B'Elanna or me, we will be more than happy to help."
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."
Harry nodded one last time and left the sickbay.
Chakotay walked over to Tom's biobed and sat in the chair by the bed to continue his vigil.
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Captain Janeway looked up when the chime to her office sounded, "Come," she said.
Tuvok entered and asked, "You wish to see me?"
Kathryn nodded and motioned for the Vulcan to sit. "As you know Tom tried to kill himself this afternoon," Kathryn continued when Tuvok nodded his acknowledgement. "I want to ask if you can counsel Tom."
Tuvok raised an eyebrow at the question. "May I ask why you chose me?" He never had a good relationship with Tom, he couldn't help feel that the young man was nervous around him.
"The doctor does not think he has the programing for someone this depressed. I couldn't ask the Commander due to his relationship with the patient."
Tuvok studied the Captain's face, she looked tired. "Of course Captain, I will help in any capacity I can."
Kathryn sighed in relief, she did not know if he would take the assignment. "It will be difficult in the beginning, so I think we should begin as soon as possible."
"Agreed," Tuvok replied. "Captain may I inquire after how you are doing?" he asked patiently.
Kathryn glance down at her desk then raised her eyes to met her Chief Security Officer's for a moment, then replied tentatively, "I feel guilty."
"Why?"
Kathryn stood up and began to pace the room, "I don't know, maybe because I'm the one who put him in solitary, or maybe because I didn't let him fly when he got out of the brig, there are a thousand reasons."
"Captain, it is not your fault," Tuvok stated logically, "you were only preforming your duties."
"Yes I know, but did I go to far? Did I push him over the brink?" Guilt poured over Kathryn. "Did he do this because of me?"
"It is futile for you to feel this way," the Vulcan stated. "You did not know his mental state when he was punished."
Kathryn smiled at Tuvok, she knew he was trying to comfort her in his own way. "I know Tuvok, I just can't help but feel responsible somehow."
"I do not think Tom would like you to feel this way."
Kathryn frowned, "I wish I knew what he was feeling."
Tuvok stood, "I will report to the doctor to go over the best approach to counsel Mr. Paris."
Kathryn nodded and dismissed him, leaving her to her own thoughts.
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Harry walked into B'Elanna's quarters. B'Elanna was standing by a table, she was nervously pacing until Harry showed up "How is he?" she asked afraid.
"He's sleeping right now. Chakotay said he was awake for a little bit earlier and all Tom did was cry."
"Dammit!" B'Elanna cried as she hurled a vase across the room, "how could he do this."
Harry grabbed B'Elanna and pulled her into an embrace, stroking her hair to sooth her. "He must of felt he had no choice B'Ela."
B'Elanna clung to Harry, "He should have come to us."
Harry lead B'Elanna to the couch and sat down beside her. He still had an arm around her shoulder, and she laid her head on his chest. "Maybe he felt he couldn't. Maybe he thought we wouldn't understand," Harry whispered.
B'Elanna looked up at Harry, "But suicide? Isn't that kind of extreme? He never thought of his friends, what our reactions would be. How could he be so selfish?"
Harry cupped B'Elanna's face, "He probably wasn't thinking at all, all he probably felt was pain, and what was the fastest way to get away from it."
B'Elanna reached up and stroked Harry's check while looking deep into his eyes, "You've tried it before haven't you."
Harry broke eye contact with B'Elanna, he looked down and then reestablished contact, "Yes, and no. I planned on killing myself when I was younger, I even went as far to get the poison, but..."
"But?" B'Elanna encouraged.
Harry smiled, "But, my parents found out, thank god. They helped me come back from the brink"
"You don't have to answer this but, why did you try to kill yourself?" B'Elanna asked.
Harry looked deep into B'Elanna's eyes, he knew she was trying to understand why Tom had tried to kill himself. "You have to understand, it was a long time ago, I felt my life had no meaning, that I had no where to turn. I thought my whole world was crashing down around me. But I was wrong, my parents were there for me, I just couldn't see it. It took months of counselling to make me understand." Harry looked to see is B'Elanna was following him, "With Tom he probably thought he had no one he could turn to, he's never had the support of friends or family like we have. He has always had to depend on himself, and when things got tough, well he ran. But a person can only run so far."
B'Elanna sighed and snuggled in closer to Harry, "I guess we just have to show him he does have people to turn to."
"We'll make him understand B'Elanna," Harry said as he tightened his embrace, "he'll have no choice but to see it."
Harry continued to hold B'Elanna for most of the evening, both thinking of ways to help Tom.
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Chakotay rubbed his tired eyes. Tom was still sleeping. He noticed Tuvok enter the doctor's office earlier in the evening, and guessed they were talking about Tom. *Maybe the counselling sessions have been set up," he thought.
Chakotay continued to sit by Tom, occasionally getting up to stretch his legs. He did not want to be to far away in case Tom woke up again.
The Commander felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up he saw the doctor.
"Commander you should get some sleep."
Chakotay shook his head "No, I want to be here for Tom when he wakes up."
"You're in no condition to help if he does wake up." The doctor saw that the Commander was about to argue again, "Perhaps you can stay here tonight. I will have the computer activate me if Tom shows any signs of waking, then I will wake you as well."
Chakotay looked back at Tom, the doctor was right he was very tired. Chakotay nodded his agreement. Bending down again he gave Tom a kiss goodnight whispering quietly in his ear, "I love you."
The Commander got up and stretched, laying down on a biobed he was asleep before his head hit the pillow.
The doctor looked at the two men occupying his sickbay. Sighing slightly he lowered the lights and deactivated himself.
to be continued.......
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