REDEMPTION
Part 6
Disclaimer: see part one. :-)
Warning: Tom angst. Hankie alert.
Tom woke up in Chakotay's bed, alone. *How the hell did I get here?* he thought. Tom tried to remember what happened last night. * I left my quarters to come see Chakotay, I think I asked him to make love to me. He said no. He doesn't love me.* Tom thought in despair. Slipping out of bed he grabbed his cloths. *Oh crap I feel like shit,* Tom moaned to himself. Stepping out into the main room he spied Chakotay sleeping on the couch. *He must really hate me now,* Tom thought. *He couldn't even bring himself to share the bed.*
Tom moved across the room trying to make as little noise as possible, which was extremely hard as he was still half drunk. Tom stood by the door and glanced back one last time at Chakotay, his breath caught in his throat. The older man had kicked off the blanket in his sleep. The star light gleamed off his bronze skin, Tom felt a rush of desire. *No Tommy Boy, he doesn't want you anymore.* Tom thought sadly. With that last thought he opened the door and left.
************************************
Chakotay woke up and walked into the bedroom to see how Tom was. "Damnit," he cursed out loud when he saw that the pilot was gone. "Computer, location of Ensign Paris." Chakotay asked.
"Ensign Paris is in his quarters," the Computer replied.
*Damn that man,* Chakotay thought. He wasn't going to have enough time to talk to Tom before his shift now. Sighing Chakotay stepped into the shower, his thoughts drifting back to last night. *How could Tom think I don't love him?* Chakotay asked himself. *Maybe I haven't done enough to prove my love. I've tried to be there for him, but he keeps pushing me away.*
Chakotay then wondered about Tom's statement that no one else loved him. * He said his father never loved him. Is that true? I know that they have never had the best relationship, but was it that extreme? It's true the Maquis were not to fond of him when we first came to the Delta Quadrant, hell even before that. They thought he was just a mercenary and not a true supporter of the cause. But Tom has proven himself tenfold since we came here.* Chakotay stepped out of the shower and started to dry himself off. *Then he mentioned the prisoners at Auckland hating him. That is that most he has ever spoken on that subject.* Chakotay sighed as he wished that Tom would confide in him, *And Tom thinks the Captain hates him. The Captain doesn't hate him, she might be a little bit disappointed in him, but she didn't hate him. Why couldn't Tom see that.*
Chakotay stepped out into the bedroom grabbing a fresh uniform to wear. Pulling it on he continued to ponder the aggravating, exotic man he was in love with. *Why does Tom have such a hard time confiding in me. It's not like I'm going to judge him. Maybe I haven't made myself clear to him.* Again Chakotay wished that he treated Tom better when they first came to the Delta Quadrant. Every time the Commander thought about his behaviour he cringed inwardly.
Chakotay left his quarters and started his way to the bridge. Entering the turbolift he met Ensign Kim. "Good morning Ensign," Chakotay said.
"Morning Commander. Have you seen Tom since last night?" Harry inquired.
Chakotay nodded, "He came to my quarters last night, drunk." Chakotay thought for a moment before he asked his next question. "Harry what do you know about his relationship with his father?"
"Not much, but I get the feeling he was abused in someway, wether mental or physical I don't know."
"What gives you that impression?" Chakotay asked.
"I'm not sure, it's just that when he talks about his father he seems to change into another person, someone afraid. I had a friend who was abused and Tom acts the same way she did sometimes." Harry shook his head, "I'm not sure what else I can tell you Commander, again he never really talks about it, these are just the feelings I get from him."
The turbolift doors opened and Harry and Chakotay made their way to their stations. Chakotay began to absorb the information Harry had told him. Tom's statement of �My father never loved me' replayed over and over in his mind. Chakotay came out of his contemplation when he felt a hand on his arm. Looking up he noticed the Captain looking at him.
"I'm sorry Captain," Chakotay replied sheepishly, "my mind was wandering."
"I noticed," she replied with a slight smile. "Can I see you in my Ready Room?"
"Certainly." Chakotay replied getting out of his seat and heading for the Ready Room.
"Mr Tuvok, you have the bridge," the Captain ordered as she followed her First officer.
Kathryn motioned for Chakotay to take a seat. "You've been distracted all morning, are you ok?" the Captain inquired concerned.
Chakotay sighed, "I'm fine Captain, I'm just worried about someone."
"Would you care to tell me who?"
Chakotay thought if he should tell her it was about Tom. He decided not to. "Not right now Captain, I want to see if I can handle it on my own."
The Captain sat back in her chair and studied her First Officer. "Is it about Tom?" she asked. At Chakotay's look she knew it was. "No, don't answer that, all I need to know is if the person is causing a disruption on my ship?"
"Nothing I don't think I can handle," Chakotay replied.
"Ok, that's good enough for me, but Commander, try to keep it off the bridge. I need you there one-hundred percent."
"Yes Captain."
The Captain and First Officer returned to the bridge. Chakotay stayed true to his word and focused on the rest of his shift.
********************************
Tom stumbled into his quarters after leaving the Commander's. Making his way to the bedroom he flopped down on the bed. *God's I feel like shit,* he thought. *Not that I don't deserve it he thought. I can't believe the way I treated Chakotay, it would serve me right if he never talks to me again.* Tom kicked off his boots and crawled under the covers. Clutching a pillow to him he started to cry. *I am such a fuck up,* he cried to himself. *No wonder no one loves me, I don't deserve it.* The awful memories of Tom's childhood came flooding back, all the beatings and lectures. All the times his father told him he didn't deserve to be loved, that he was weak and pathetic.
Tom thought that things had turned around since he had come to the Delta Quadrant. He finally started to have a sense of self worth, but like the pathetic person he was he threw it all away.
He pushed everyone away from him that he cared about. He betrayed the Captain, he all but told Chakotay, Harry and B'Elanna to fuck off. It would serve him right if no one talked to him again. Tom didn't think he could handle that. Crying himself to sleep Tom repeated over and over again how useless he was.
******************************************
Tom woke hours later physically feeling better, but emotionally feeling worse. Getting up he went into the washroom and looked into the mirror. Tom was startled when he didn't recognize the face looking back at him. Tom studied the stranger's face a little longer, it looked familiar, but he couldn't place it. Then it all came back to him, it was his face at the lowest times of his life. The face of Caldik Prime, the face of Auckland, the face of the little child hiding in terror from his father.
More tears started to slip down Tom's face as he went back into the living room. He couldn't face life like this. It was getting to hard. Inadvertently Tom found himself in front of the replicator. Sighing he turned to the one thing that seemed to dull the pain. He ordered a bottle of scotch and a sleep aid hypospray. Tom turned and went back into the bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed he opened the bottle of scotch. This was starting to become a familiar routine to Tom.
It seemed like hours that Tom was sitting on the edge of the bed and drinking. The more scotch he drank the less he felt. When the bottle was finally empty Tom placed the hypospray to his neck and fell into a dreamless sleep.
********************************************
Chakotay entered the turbolift after his shift. "Computer location of Ensign Paris," he asked.
"Ensign Paris is in his quarters," the Computer replied.
*Good,* Chakotay thought to himself. He was going to talk to Tom now whether Tom wanted to or not.
Chakotay got off on Tom's deck and headed for his quarters. Stopping outside of the door he rang the chime. There was no answer. Chakotay entered Tom's code into the panel and the door slipped open. The outer room was dark, he made his way to the bedroom.
Tom was splayed out on the bed. Chakotay noticed the hypo and empty bottle right away. Sighing Chakotay made his way to the bed, taking a medical tricorder from Tom's night table he scanned the pilot. Sitting on the edge of the bed he noticed Tom's strong and steady breathing, the tricorder stated that there was too much alcohol in his system and the sleep aid was having an adverse reaction. The two together were causing a strong sedative effect that would last at least a couple of more hours.
*Should I wake him now?* Chakotay thought. He decided against it, Tom would probably only be disorientated and that was not the best condition for him to be in during a conversation.
Chakotay got off the bed and pulled the covers up over the younger man. *I seem to be doing this a lot lately,* Chakotay thought. He bent down and gave Tom a quick kiss on the forehead.
Picking up the hypospray and bottle Chakotay entered the living room, where he disposed of the items. Taking one more quick glance at Tom through the door Chakotay left.
**********************************
"Sickbay to Mr. Paris, respond."
Tom woke up startled. He heard a noise but couldn't remember what it was.
"Sickbay to Mr. Paris." The doctor said annoyed.
"Paris here, go ahead," Tom relpied groggily.
"Well Mr Paris, I'm glad you finally decided to answer. Are you coming to work your shift today? You are already 15 minutes late."
*SHIT!* Tom thought. "Um sorry Doc, I'm on my way." Tom jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, which was a mistake. Tom stomach heaved and he had the dry heaves for a few seconds. *Good thing I didn't eat that much yesterday,* Tom thought. When the heaves finally subsided he jumped into the sonic shower for a quick shower. He then raced out into the living room and replicated a hangover hypo. *Can't let the doctor think I'm sick, he'll scan me and figure out what I have been up to,* Tom thought.
Going into the bedroom he grabbed a uniform and put it on. Bracing himself he left for sickbay.
"Ah Ensign Paris, I'm glad you could make it," the doctor said sarcastically as Tom came through the sickbay doors. "I hope this will not be a continuing problem?" he asked annoyingly.
Tom held back a snappish reply. "No, it won't be a problem."
The doctor looked Tom up and down. "You look like you have lost weight Mr. Paris," The doctor asked as he reached for his tricorder.
"No!" Tom yelped.
The doctor raised one eyebrow, but did not continue to lift the tricorder.
"I mean no, I'm fine. Just the leola root diet did not agree with me when I was in the brig."
"Ah, I see." The doctor waved that conversation aside much to Tom's relief.
"So Mr. Paris, your here for two weeks. Hmm, now is that a punishment for me as well?" the doctor baited Tom.
Tom clenched his fists but did not reply.
When the doctor got no reply from Tom he sniffed. "Very well, the first thing I want you to do today is to download all these padds into the main computer," The doctor said while motioning to a table holding about fifty pads.
Tom couldn't believe it he had only been here for ten minutes and he was ready to deprogram the doctor. Tom smiled falsely at the doc. "Sure thing," he replied as he made his way over to the table.
Tom sat at the table and started to download the padds, contemplating the ways he could get out of working in sickbay. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he failed to hear the doctor start to talk to him.
"Mr Paris. MR PARIS!" the doctor shouted when he got no reply.
Tom looked up startled, "What?" he asked.
"I asked are you finished yet."
Tom looked down at the stack of padds still to download. He looked back up at the doctor incredibly, "No I'm not done, I just started."
The EMH rolled his eyes "Mr. Paris, you have been sitting there for over an hour."
"No I haven't," Tom argued back.
"Do you think I would lie to you?" The doctor asked astonished.
Tom threw down the padd he was working on. "Yes I think you would lie to me, everyone else does."
"Mr. Paris, why are you getting upset?" The doctor asked perplexed.
Tom pushed himself away from the table. "I am not getting upset," he stated
The doctor grabbed a medical tricorder and pointed it at Tom
"NO!" Tom screamed, but it was too late.
The doctor looked up at Tom with wide eyes. "Mr Paris, how much alcohol have you drank in the past 48 hours?"
Tom looked away from the EMH, "That's none of your business."
"Mr. Paris, you've had alcohol poisoning at least once in the past two days. And what's this?" The doctor looked shocked. "You've introduced sleep aids to your system at the same time? Mr. Paris don't you know how dangerous that is?"
"Fuck you," Tom said, "It's none of your business."
The holodoc stepped closer to Tom. "It is my business when a member of this crew abuses his or her body this way."
"It's not like that." Tom started to say. "Oh fuck it, I'm out of here." with that Tom started to move towards the door.
"Mr. Paris, I highly recommend that you stay."
Tom ignored him and left.
The EMH sighed, he had no choice but to contact the Captain.
*******************************************
Tom's combadge chirped. "Janeway to Paris."
"Paris here." Tom replied warily.
"Can you please come to my office now."
Tom tensed, "On my way."
*That fucker,* Tom thought, *he snitched on me.*
Tom fumed all the way to the bridge. He tried to get his emotions under control but couldn't.
Tome strode across the bridge and ignored everyone. He rang the chime to Janeway's office.
"Come," said the voice inside.
Janeway looked closely at the man standing in front of her and motioned for him to sit.
Tom refused.
"Tom, I've just had a disturbing report from the doctor," she began. "Would you like to tell me what is going on?"
Tom shook his head and looked away from the Captain.
"Tom, please sit down." Janeway's voice brooked no argument.
Tom sat down resentfully.
"Please tell me what's going on?" the Captain asked.
Again Tom made no reply.
"Fine, you leave me no choice. Ensign Paris, until further notice your replicator rations have been cut off. I am ordering you to attend counselling with the doctor. Furthermore, you have been relieved of duties for the next two weeks."
Tom's world crashed, he pushed himself out of the chair, "Why stop there Captain, why not take it all from me." He reached up and grabbed the Ensign pip from his uniform. Throwing it at the Captain he yelled, "Here take this too, I know you wanted to take it a month ago, so here you can have it."
Kathyrn was shocked. "Mr. Paris, this is not appropriate behaviour."
Tom laughed manically. "Well I really don't care Captain," Tom said as he headed for the door.
The door opened as Tom heard the Captain's voice behind him say coldly. "Ensign Paris you are not dismissed."
Tom whirled around in the open door way. "Fuck you!" He said icily. With that parting remark he turned to look at his stunned crew mates on the bridge.
Chakotay stood up and walked over to Tom, "What the hell are you doing?" he asked angrily.
Tom stared at Chakotay and thought of the most hateful thing he could say to him. "I'm proving myself to be the asshole everyone thinks I am," He said. "You surprised?" he asked tauntingly.
Chakotay knew this was an act. "Why are you doing this?" he asked.
Tom laughed, "Maybe I should ask you why you want to be with me? You just want to get into my pants, don't you Big Man. That all anyone wants with me."
Chakotay was stunned. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. He then heard the Captain's voice from the doorway.
"Mr. Tuvok please escort Mr. Paris to this quarters and place him under house arrest," Janeway ordered coldly.
Tom laughed at her and headed for the turbolift. He ignored Tuvok as he came to stand beside him. As the doors closed the stunned crew turned to look at each other, wondering what was going on.
"Commander can I see you in my office please?" The captain asked. "Ensign Kim you have the bridge," she said to the pale ensign.
Still in shock all Chakotay could do was nod as he followed her into her office.
"I don't understand what just happened," the Captain said as she rubbed her forehead.
Chakotay looked up at the Captain. "I know he didn't mean what he said to me on the bridge. He's trying to push us away."
"But why?" the Captain replied perplexed.
"I'm not sure. I have been meaning to talk to Tom for two days now, but it never happened."
The Captain walked towards the window thinking. When she turned back to the Commander she suggested, "Maybe you should go to him now."
Chakotay nodded and got up and left the office.
*********************************************
Tom walked down the corridor to his quarters is a state of shock. All he could think of was everything worth living for was gone. He barely even noticed Tuvok escorting him to his quarters.
Tom entered his quarters without even a glance to Tuvok. "Computer secure doors," Tom said once the doors were closed and he entered his bedroom. He walked over to the dresser and pulled out the Klingon dagger hidden in one of the drawers. *I should have done this a long time ago,* he thought.
Tom sat down on the floor between the bed and the wall, unsheathing the dagger he studied it. Steeling his nerves he placed the hilt of the dagger between his knees. He then brought his wrists up to touch the base of the dagger. With one quick movement he brought both wrists up the length of the dagger.
Tom gasped as the fire like agony spread up his arms. *Just a few more minutes Tommy Boy and you won't have to feel anything again, * he thought as the blood started to flow over his arms.
Darkness started to invade Tom's vision, the dagger clattered to the floor as Tom started to lose consciousness.
************************************
Chakotay made his way to Tom's quarters, unsure what he was going to say to the younger man. The scene on the bridge proved how unstable he was.
Chakotay approach Tuvok and nodded in his direction. He punched the panel to open Tom's door, but the door would not open. He hit the panel again, but again the door would not open. He entered Tom's code, but the doot still refused to open. "Computer security over ride authorization Chakotay Alpha 1171," Chakotay barked. The doors slide opened and Chakotay stepped inside glancing around the room. When he did not see Tom he spoke his name. Not getting any response he walked into the bedroom.
Chakotay's stomach plummeted to his feet. The scene in front of him was horrifying. Tom sat between the bed and the wall, his head was resting on the bed, he looked unconscious. There was blood everywhere. "OH MY GOD, TUVOK HELP" Chakotay screamed as he raced towards the injured man. Chakotay knelt in front of Tom and grabs both wrists in his hands trying to stem the flow of blood. Tuvok entered the room, "Computer medical emergency, beam Chakotay and Mr Paris to sickbay," Tuvok stated as he saw what was happening.
Chakotay and Tom materialized in sickbay, Tom slumping against the Commander. "Computer activate EMH program," Chakotay yelled.
"What is the nature of the medical emergency?" the doctor asked as he appeared.
"It's Tom, he's...," that was all Chakotay was able to choke out.
The doctor had already triage the situation "Commander place him on a biobed," the EMH said as he raced for his instruments.
Chakotay carefully placed Tom on one of the biobeds, he looked incredibly pale.
"Commander remove your hand from his right wrist, but continue to hold onto his left," the doctor ordered.
Chakotay removed the blood covered hand as the doctor asked.
The doctor started to repair the wound. When the first slash was healed he asked the Commander to remove his other hand.
Chakotay backed away from the biobed. Reaching up with one blood covered hand he hit his comm badge. "Chakotay to Janeway."
"Go ahead Commander."
"I think you should come to sickbay."
"Oh?"
"It's Tom."
There was silence on the other end, then, "On my way."
Chakotay kept backing up from where the doctor was working on Tom. When Chakotay's back hit the wall he started to slide down it into a sitting position. *Tom tried to kill himself,* Chakotay thought in shock.
Janeway entered the sickbay and took everything in at once. The doctor was working over a blood stained Tom and her First Officer was sitting on the floor with blood covered hands looking like he was in shock. Kathryn went over to Chakotay and knelt down beside him. "Chakotay," she said gently to get his attention.
Chakotay looked over at his Captain. With a sob he said, "He tried to kill himself." Chakotay looked down at his blood covered hands, noticing them for the first time. "Oh Gods Kathryn he tried to kill himself."
Kathryn helped Chakotay to stand and brought him over to a sink. Turning on the water she placed the Commander's hands underneath the stream. She couldn't think of anything to say to comfort the distraught man. After the Commander's hands were clean she lead him to a chair to sit, standing beside him they waited for the doctor's report.
The doctor looked down at Tom and sighed. He had healed Tom's self inflicted wounds, and had started to replace some lost blood by transfusion. When there was nothing left to do for his patient he went over to talk to the Captain and Commander.
"How is he doctor?" the Captain asked when the doctor approached.
"He will recover," the doctor stated. "The Commander got him here just in time, any longer and he would have lost too much blood."
"This is all my fault," Chakotay moaned. "I should have seen him heading towards this."
"No," the EMH said, "If anyone is to blame it is me. I should have handled the situation this morning better."
The Captain shook her head. "No, no one is to blame for this. We could sit here all day assigning blame, but that will not help the problem. What are we going to do to help Tom?"
"Well, he will definitely need counselling," the doctor started.
"Yes, he will get counselling, but from who? Doctor are you capable to handle this kind of counselling?" the Captain asked?
"I don't know," he replied. "I've never had to counsel someone this depressed before."
"What about Tuvok?" Chakotay asked.
"Yes, Mr. Tuvok will do perfectly," the doctor replied. "He is patient enough to deal with whatever Tom throws at him."
"Tuvok it is then," the Captain agreed.
"How long will Tom have to stay here?" Chakotay asked the doctor.
"He should stay here a couple of more days, I want to keep a close eye on him. When he is discharged I want his vitals signs to be monitored twenty-four hours a day."
"Captain, I would like permission to stay with Tom for the next few days." Chakotay asked.
Kathryn looked at Tom then the Commander, "Agreed, take all the time you need."
"Thank you."
Chakotay rose from the chair and walked over to the biobed holding Tom. Looking down at the pale man Chakotay felt anger sweep over him. *Why, God Dammit, Why?* he thought. Chakotay pushed the anger away, that emotion was not going to help Tom. Sighing he sat in a chair beside the bed and stroked a soft pale hand.
"How long before he wakes up?" Chakotay asked the doctor.
"He'll probably be out for a few more hours. Why don't you go to your quarters, I'll ring you when he wakes." The doctor suggested.
"No, I need to stay here," The Commander replied.
Kathryn walked over to Chakotay and placed here hand on his shoulder in support. "He will get through this Chakotay," she said. "With your love and support he can get through anything."
Chakotay placed his free hand over the Captain's hand, "Yeah, but my love wasn't enough to stop it from happening in the first place."
Kathryn sighed, "Don't beat yourself up over it Chakotay, you need to be strong for Tom's sake." The Captain patted his shoulder a few times and left the Commander to sit vigil alone with the man he loved.
to be continued.......
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