23rd December 2002
Christmas
draws dangerously near and I’m getting caught red handed, with nothing for
anyone in them. Expensive gifts don’t mean everything but the biggest problem
is that what happens when you’re too broke to even gather paper to make
something? I swear next year I’ll be the one hosting the Christmas dinner.
Roast lamb and all (even though I don't find the smell of sizzling lamb fat
appetising).
The laptop screen continues to glare at me painfully. Ah yes, time to get a table lamp.
It
seems scary how time flies. I’m 21, getting no younger by the day = more
pressure to get things done well and proper.
*Sigh* and as if stress isn’t integral enough a thing to
everything these days. Two friends have graduated, and I’m here trying to fill
up the form for degree transfer.
Some people have asked if I’d change anything in the course of history my life has taken. All the crash and burns, Bangsar inspired potholes and the ‘mat motor’ corner sweeps. I’d say no, thinking hard. Although sometimes I do honestly wish I didn’t come home that summer. There are even times when I manage to fool myself thinking I would’ve been sitting comfortably in my room with the courtyard in Cathays, German Shepard at lap and no worries in the mind. But that’s never going to happen.
I feel
cheated, and yet, it’s not by the Casanova my parents keep warning me about.
It’s them. Hands tainted full of deceit and empty promises. There’s almost
no escape when you’re subjected to their saccharin-laced promises. It lifts
you ever so high, and then you find yourself on bungee without the rope. I still
love them. This is one relationship I can never walk out of. And yet, it is the
one relationship that forces me to give myself unconditionally with a doubt.
When I resist, the non-faltering psychological warfare awaits. So please tell
me, how can loving any sweet-talking, lying male variety ever be as
excruciating?
And with everything that has happened, I wouldn’t have changed anything. I wouldn’t have met half the beautiful souls that have helped me through some of my hardest times. And I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate every little thing life has to offer. For once, ‘live for the moment’ actually means something to me. Like the faith that keeps a child believing in Santa, it’s got me believing something worthwhile is waiting for me at the end of this. And if it doesn’t, I fear cynicism before heartbreak will kill me.
