20th November 2000.
It’s 20.08 . My head feels like exploding. I have Muse playing in the background and the anguish and irratation, anger everything I feel just flows like in sync with him singing.
I’ve finally broken down. After a month of putting up a fight against it. I’ve finally lost it this time around. I thought I could let her go on sounding like the fool she is. But I think I’ve just lost my first battle. One day I swear I will burn stacks of cash in front of her. And I will not rest until I’ve made it .. this I swear I will.
How can it get to me when none of it is true? Could they be right and I’m delusional? If she was the only one perhaps I could wave it off. But what happens when a trusted friend backstabs you with what they claim to be the real story? Why does the world act like they know when they can’t even try to be me. Wallowing in self-pity is the most pathetic thing one can do. But why am I to blame when I tried so hard? And for once I let go and be myself the world thinks I should die. That I’m as worthless as the beggars on the streets? At least people try to see things from their view. What have I ever done on purpose to hurt anyone? Do I really deserve this mental torture that I’m going thru now? Can someone somehow answer me? Because if I deserve this truthfully I’d bow to fate. But if I don’t please someone help stop this. A bit of me dies everything time I break down. I’m afraid I will bow down one day. I’m afraid I will conform. I’m afraid I will lose myself. I’m afraid one day I will believe that I am as worthless as they perceive me to be. I’m afraid to be clay in the hands of whoever that may wish to change me indefinitely. I’m afraid to conform and find out that I’m a victim of someone’s selfish agenda. The human being is a selfish being. It doesn’t matter who and what, they will come before you. And who am I to complain? What if I don’t even have the rights to break down? Anything is possible since I don’t have a right to object to violation of my privacy. I need answers and can’t find them. I’m desperate without reason. I feel anguish without direction. How do you direct anger to people who don’t realise how much they’re breaking me? And what if somewhere inside they find morbid satisfaction in breaking me? Would they smile in their sleep thinking they have managed to trample me and thus making themselves morally superior? And why are people who love to impose moral superiority upon people happen to be the core of hypocrisy? Do they know of their hypocrisy?
How do people relate when they can’t feel even the slightest pain, anguish and fear the you have?
In all honesty, would the world be a better place without me? I taint the purity of society I am told. If I hold the truth to protect, am I considered a liar? If I deserve this I will bear it all without question. But before that please let me know. I’m holding on to shreds of my sanity because I fear I will lose them in a gust of wind. I’ve lost and I’m still losing just about all that I can bear. Everyday I wake up and I thank god I can still move. I fear too that one day I will lie there because getting would be too much pain. I fear one day I might find out a tumour is the cause of the physical pain in my head.
Most of all I fear by the end of the day that I will end up a failure………just like they think I am and will be.
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