Total Recall
Time had seemed to
stand still since Jennifer's impassioned plea. She had backed away from the bed
and now stood leaning against a wall, trying to gain strength from its
sturdiness. Her eyes flickered around the room and she was numbly surprised to
see that it had been more than two hours since the doctor had spoken to her. A
sound in the corridor drew her eyes to the internal window and she watched as a
figure, sheet completely covering the body, was wheeled past on a trolley.
'Jarod's taller than
that,' she thought vaguely, 'so the sheet will have to be bigger'.
That thought,
somehow, didn't now seem harsh or out of place. She waited for her mind to
scream that he was still alive and needed her to fight for him but the thought
never came. Understanding, she realized that his death now seemed inevitable.
Her mind was full of the idea but the peace she had been expecting to accompany
it wasn't immediately forthcoming. She stumbled towards the bed and slipped her
hand into his non-responsive one. Leaning down she whispered into his ear the
phrases that slowly formed in her mind.
"It's okay, if
you want to go. Don't stay for us. We'll miss you, but we'll be okay. You do
whatever you have to do, but always remember that I love you with all my heart
and soul."
~~~~~
Sydney closed the
door and slowly sat down in the chair beside the bed. He had been counting the
time since the phone call that had first brought him to the hospital:
fifty-seven days and still no change. He was sure that eventually something had
to happen - it was merely a matter of waiting. No matter what the doctor
thought, Jarod would eventually open his eyes and life could get back to
normal. It was impossible to think otherwise. His gaze moved to the screen
where the green line rose and fell, accompanied by the monotonous beeping.
Sydney half turned as the door opened, hopeful for a new face from those
gathered around the bed for the previous three months, although he would have
been unable to give a name, had he been asked. The woman was a disappointment
and, as Margaret came over to the bed, he turned back and recommenced his
examination of the thin, wan features before him.
"How is
he?"
"The same.
When the doctor came in he...there's no change."
Sydney swallowed
the harsh sentence that the physician had been forced to utter and that the
loving mother had missed by virtue of having been made to sleep in a room down
the hall for a short time.
"Do you
think he'll...ever...?" The words choked the mother's throat as her eyes
tried to absorb the image of as much of the face, which she had only just begun
to know, as possible, before it was torn away by the forthcoming separation.
Sydney rose and
put a hand on her shoulder. "We can only hope. I'm sure that he wouldn't
leave - if he didn't have to. But we need to wait and see."
~~~~~
Jennifer entered
Miss Parker's room with such a look of desperate sorrow, mixed with a sort of
resignation, on her face that Miss Parker feared that a cessation of life had
occurred within the building and the sharp sentences that had formed on her
tongue dissolved before she had a chance to verbalize them.
"What...is
he...?"
"Not yet,
although I'm not entirely sure why you care."
Miss Parker
jumped at the bitterness in the tone. "Do you really think that I wouldn't
care?"
"Yes, I
do."
Jennifer turned
to face her and Miss Parker felt almost afraid as she saw the brown eyes
staring at her with such an expression of revulsion and disgust in them that
Miss Parker wondered how any friendship have ever existed between them.
"Why would
you care? All you've ever done is to try to repel any attempt he made to be
friendly towards you. He gave you everything that you could have needed to
break away and have a good and happy life, but every time you threw it all back
in his face. I hope you realize that you're at least partly responsible for
this and I wonder how you can even live with yourself!"
Jennifer spat out
the last sentence and turned on her heel, abruptly leaving the room and
slamming the door behind her. Miss Parker, to her surprise, could think of
nothing to say in her own defense. There was truth in what Jennifer had said,
she silently acknowledged, although it hurt to admit it.
~~~~~
Later that night,
as Jennifer lay in her bed, two doors down from the room where Jarod was, she
regretted the words. They came, she knew, from frustration but it wasn't
justified. It wasn't Miss Parker's fault that they were in the situation. She
had contributed to it, beyond doubt, but there was no direct responsibility. As
she turned these thoughts over in her head, the door to her room opened, a
crack of light widening on her bed. She sat up and watched as two figures came
in. Her son ran over and pulled himself up onto the bed, nestling into his
mother's arms.
"He was
having a nightmare," Emily explained, unnecessarily considering Kyle's
agitation, and Jennifer rubbed a hand on his back.
"What happened,
sweetie?"
"Mommy, is
Daddy going to wake up?" The words were quite clear, despite his age and
the fact that his face was buried in her shoulder. She put up a trembling hand
and stroked his head.
"I...don't
know," she replied honestly. "But maybe, if we ask God, he
will."
"Promise?"
"I don't
promise because I never make promises I can't keep. And, if he doesn't wake up,
then we'll know that God needed him more than we did. Remember how we talked
about it last night?"
The little boy
nodded and slipped him thumb towards his mouth, but a look from his mother made
him whip it out again and he gave her a small smile. "I wanted to see if
you would remember."
"And
remember what Daddy said would happen if you sucked your thumb?"
"Yup." He
smiled at his aunt. "He gave me a present when I stopped." Emily
smiled back at him and in the half-dark he couldn't see the tears that
glistened in her eyes. Jennifer knew they were there, though, as she looked
down at her son with a smile. "Now, will you go to bed and not worry any
more. Even if God does take Daddy, we'll still have each other, right?"
"Uh huh, and
the new baby."
"That's
right." She kissed him on the top of the head and he scrambled off the
bed. "Good night, precious."
She watched as he
left the room and Emily came over and sat on the bed beside her. "Do you
really believe that? The things you said to him?"
Jennifer looked
at her. "I don't say things to him that I don't mean, and I certainly
wouldn't not tell him what might happen. It'll be a terrible shock for him
if...when Jarod dies. I couldn't bear it if he went through the whole of his
life resenting me because I didn't tell him that his father was dying. I might
have to bring up one child with no living memory of a father. I don't want to
have to do it for both."
Emily got up from
the bed. "I want you to know how...how much I respect you for that."
She was gone before the other woman could respond, so Jennifer lay down again
to try and sleep.
The next
disturbance was, she knew, not reality. For one thing, Jarod sat on the bed
beside her and for another he held a newborn baby in his arms. A baby, she
knew, that belonged to him. He leaned over and brushed away the tears that she
felt spilling down her cheeks as she watched him.
"I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I wasn't there when Kyle was born. And if I can't be there when
the other member of our family comes into the world then I'm sorry for that
too. But mostly, I'm sorry if I have to leave you. I don't want to, you know that."
"I
know." The words that came from her mouth were soft and seemed detached,
but the feeling that swept through her like an incoming tide was unmistakable.
If he did go, she knew, suddenly, that they would be all right without him.
"I love
you."
He nodded.
"I know. I've always known that."
~~~~~
Lyle lay on the
bed, his hands tightly behind his head. Lying like that eased the pain,
although he couldn't explain why. He knew that this current suffering was his
own fault, but he was determined that if he couldn't have a proper life, he
didn't want one at all. It was his decision but, as always, he needed someone
to blame and that person was, as usual, Jarod. After Raines had revealed the
truth about Lyle's current position, he had finally realized that there would
be no new life, and that the burdens he had been recently forced to adopt would
be unable to simply fade away. Life would never return to normal and for this
reason, Lyle decided, it was not worth living. His last days, as pain increased
and breathing became more labored, his body slowly rejecting the organ, were
filled with thoughts of those who had done him wrong in his life.
~~~~~
Jennifer stood at
the window and watched as the young man, a mirror image of the figure who
remained comatose on the bed, walked with her son along one of the paths that
surrounded the hospital. She was grateful that people were willing to take him
outdoors and give him time away from the hospital room. Sydney had even begun
to give him basic schooling and although he was only three, his reading and
writing skills, to nobody's surprise, were at a much higher level. Jennifer
brushed a weary hand over her eyes and swept hair away from her face. A sigh
escaped her lips, betraying the exhaustion that was written in the many small
lines, newly inscribed on her face.
The room was
quieter now, as the respirator had been removed. After so long, the doctors had
admitted that it would be best for nature to take its course and the people
gathered there had no idea of whether he would still be alive when they entered
the room. The burden was drawing the group slowly together and Jennifer, rather
than feel she would lose her support when he died, had realized that the group
would happily share the burden of the forthcoming child.
She sighed again
and, as a tear slipped down her cheek to be lost in the hair that lay in curls
on her shoulders, an echo of the sigh made her turn slowly towards the bed. It
was obvious that the moment had come, and that the change was inevitable. Her
heart wept but her eyes dried as she sat down in the seat beside the bed,
taking his dearly beloved hand in hers. A sudden movement of that hand in her
own, as well as a sudden change in the rhythm, until now so regular, of his
heartbeat, prompted her to draw the hand to her cheek and then softly dust it
with her lips. Her eyes were fixed on his face, waiting for the peace of death
to appear, but instead a movement altered the artificially calm expression that
had been there before. Startled, Jennifer dropped his hand and, overturning the
chair in her action, backed to the far side of the room. The sound seemed to
hurry the movement that had begun and Jarod's eyelids started to flicker. She
unconsciously held her breath and clasped both hands tightly in front of her
until the knuckles were white.
~~~~~
Pictures flashed
rapidly through Lyle's mind; images of those he believed had contributed to the
destruction of his life. With each desperate gasp of air, another face appeared
and all seemed to taunt him: the substitute parents he had never known or could
not remember; the first set of foster parents, who had taught him the way in
which he would always live his life and who had subjected him to the madness
and torture which continued to haunt him; the adoptive parents whose lives had
ended at his hands, as revenge for their attempts to change him and make him
innocent and naïve like themselves. He paused here to recall the satisfaction
he had felt when they died.
The next face
appearing in his mind was that of the woman with the glowing red hair, the
sister who had been a cause of so much unhappiness in his life. His attempts to
tame her and make her his own had failed and it was for this reason that he had
always been determined to destroy as many women as possible.
His next image,
of another woman and this time of his real sister, caused him to grind his
teeth and clench his fists to rid himself of his anger in the only way left to
him. This train of thought brought him finally to the Pretender. He had, Lyle
knew, never underestimated the genius. It was the inept assistance he had
received that had always been the cause of failure.
~~~~~
As Jarod's
eyelids slowly lifted and his vision cleared, he could see Jennifer standing on
the far side of the room, her hands pressed together in front of her. 'She
looks older', he thought vaguely and watched drowsily as she slowly came over
to him, placing her hand on his and gently squeezing.
"Jarod?"
The word was a soft whisper, barely audible, but he heard. He struggled to open
his mouth and respond but something held him down and the expression in his
eyes became panicked as he realized that he couldn't move.
"It's okay,
sweetheart." She reached out and stroked the side of his face. "I
know, but I'll explain it to you, I promise."
He tried to show
her that he had heard, that he understood what she had said, but a feeling of
exhaustion swept over him and he didn't have the strength to fight it, letting
his eyelids fall shut as he relaxed. Jennifer gently put his hand back down and
took a step back away from the bed. Her whole body trembled and she would have
fallen but for the person who steadied her by placing a strong hand on either shoulder.
"S...Sydney?"
She spoke the word as she turned and then buried her face in his chest. His own
tears ran down his face into her hair, and he gently wrapped both arms around
her as the emotion flowed. The doctor softly entered and walked over to his
patient. After giving him a rapid examination, he turned to the two other
occupants of the room and quietly ushered them out. The group was gathered in
his office and he took a piece of paper out of the folder that lay in front of
him and put it on to the desk. Then he looked up.
"Although I
wouldn't like to guarantee anything yet, this has greatly increased Jarod's
chance of survival. The EEG shows an increased amount of brain activity and his
level of responsiveness has increased, both of which suggests to me that the
coma has ended. However," he spoke firmly to make himself heard over the
murmurs of excitement that began as he spoke. "I can't guarantee that he
won't fall back into it. If he does, the chance of his recovery will be further
reduced."
"But for
now..." Sydney began eagerly.
"Things have
to be taken slowly." The doctor looked up at Margaret as she spoke, his
face calm. "I know that, after so long, it's frustrating but we can't
hurry this. Jarod will have to recover at his own pace."
"Then I
think we can safely say," Sydney smiled as he spoke, "that the
recovery will be something totally out of the ordinary."
The doctor left
the room and the group sat for several seconds before anyone spoke. There was
no loud rejoicing; everyone realized that the danger was by no means passed.
But this was a more positive step and they all knew it. Suddenly Charles stood
and Sydney glanced at him.
"Where are
you going?"
"To see my
son, of course."
Sydney stood and
faced him. "I'm not sure that's such a great idea, not yet."
"What?!
Sydney, that's my son. He hasn't seen me for..."
"Exactly."
The psychiatrist placed a hand on his shoulder. "Jarod doesn't know you're
here and, if he saw you without warning..."
"I
understand what you mean." Margaret looked up from the examination of the
floor that she had commenced in an effort to retain her self-control and held
out her hand to her husband. "Charles, we've waited for so long. We can
all be patient for a few days more. As long as we know that he's going to be
okay..."
At this point the
doctor re-entered the room and shut the door behind him. Those who had remained
seated now stood up, feeling instinctively that the news was important.
"I've had
another look at him and I can tell you now that I have even greater confidence
in Jarod making a full recovery." The group let out a united sigh of
relief and the doctor smiled. "Jennifer, he's asking for you."
Handing the boy
to his grandmother and still trembling slightly, Jennifer walked with the doctor
out of the room. She walked along the hall without knowing the direction, aware
only that she was going the right way. Arriving at the door, she placed one
hand on the wood and tried to control herself. The doctor touched her shoulder
in a gesture of encouragement and then moved away. She took a final deep
breath, briefly closed her eyes and then slowly pushed opened the door.
~~~~~
Lyle lay on the
bed, feeling as though he was coming apart with every breath. He had noticed
several days earlier that the tips of his fingers were turning blue and,
although he couldn't sit up to look at his feet, he knew that his toes were
doing a similar thing. Now his whole hands were gray and numb but the pain in
his chest erased any concern he might have felt about the reduction in his
circulation. He hardly noticed the door opening but as the two figures stopped
in front of him, his blurring vision recognized the outlines, despite being
unable to focus properly.
"Jen...nifer."
He gasped out of blue lips. "She's...helping...Jarod..."
"What!"
Raines' voice echoed around the room. "How dare you..."
"No...I
thought...She must be..." Lyle's voice trailed off and he watched as the
man lunged towards him.
"How dare
you suggest...?" Raines' voice trailed off in an articulate growl and he
fought against the arm that Mr. Parker was using to hold him back.
"William, if
you kill him, there will be repercussions. Besides," Mr Parker's voice
became snide. "I think you hardly need to."
The words made
Raines see sense. He stepped back and straightened his suit as, after a few
seconds, Lyle's head rolled senselessly to one side. After a short pause, he
sighed once and stopped breathing. Mr Parker looked down at him, face
expressionless, and Raines turned away, sneering.
"At least
it'll free up another room."
~~~~~
Jennifer walked
into the room and saw Jarod lying with his eyes closed. Sitting down beside the
bed, she gently took his hand. He glanced around for a moment before looking at
her. She smiled.
"Hi."
"What...happened?"
"They didn't
tell you?"
Jarod's head
slowly moved from side to side, eyes fixed on her face.
"This
probably isn't the best time. Maybe later."
He squeezed her
hand as tightly as he could manage and she laughed even as she brought his hand
up to her face and pressed the back of it to her lips. "Okay, okay."
Her face became sober. "Sam was driving me home from work when he saw you.
He pulled the car over to the side of the road and, to try and stop you from
escaping, he shot at you. Now stay still," she admonished as he began to
try and move. "If you damage anything, you'll worry a lot of people,
including me."
"Who
else?"
She smiled.
"Sydney for starters. And Michelle."
"Is that...all?"
Jennifer brushed
the backs of her fingers against his cheek. "Well, Miss Parker hopes
you'll recover."
"Why?"
"Because
otherwise she might be stuck here for ever. She's locked in a room a few doors
down the hall. And she can't come in here," Jennifer stated firmly as she
felt his hand tense under hers, "so stop worrying."
"You know
me..."
"...very
well," she finished for him. "And I also know that, right now, you
need to rest." She reached down and pulled the blanket a little tighter around
him.
"Will
you...stay with me?"
"Of course I
will. I wouldn't go anywhere else." She slipped one hand into his and made
sure that, with the other, she could reach a book. It was obvious that she
would be there for some time.
Sydney softly
opened the door, having seen that Jarod was asleep. Jennifer jumped as she
heard his footsteps behind her and the book dropped, open, down on the bed. He
placed both hands on her shoulders and squeezed them gently. "Sorry, I
didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to find out how he is."
She smiled up at
him. "Well, he's lucid. I told him what happened, and that you and
Michelle were here. Oh, and he knows about Miss Parker."
"Well, I
think you told him just about everything."
"Not quite
everything." Jennifer smiled meaningfully.
"We're going
to get something to eat from the cafeteria. Do you want to come?"
"I'll stay,
in case he wakes up. Maybe later. I'm not all that hungry anyway." Sydney
slipped a finger under her chin and forced her to look up at him. "When
Jarod is properly awake, he'll be very worried."
"Oh please,
Syd. I could hardly have lost weight." She placed her free hand on her
stomach, showing clearly that the pregnancy was almost over.
"You may not
have lost it right now, but in a few weeks..."
"Gee,
thanks." She gave him a half-hearted smile and then turned back to the
bed. "I'll see you when you get back from lunch."
~~~~~
Miss Parker was
standing at the window of her locked room, staring down to the paths outside,
but turned as the door opened. Sydney and Jarod's doctor stood in the doorway.
"I hope you
understand, Miss Parker, that, despite what happened earlier today, you still
aren't permitted to leave the building."
"Who's going
to stop me?" She saw a man whom she recognized and who was dressed in the
familiar white shirt and black suit of a Centre sweeper as he stepped up behind
Sydney. "Paul?"
The ‘sweeper’
arched an eyebrow. "Yes, Miss Parker."
"Well, what
are you waiting for? Get me out of here!"
"I can't do
that, Miss Parker."
"What do you
mean, 'you can't do it'. I order you to."
"Ah, but you
see I only take orders from one person. Jennifer. I'm not really a Centre
sweeper. I was only," he glanced over at Sydney with the hint of a smile
on his face, "pretending."
Miss Parker
growled something inaudible, turning back to the window as the door was closed
and locked once more.
~~~~~
Jennifer was
making coffee in the kitchenette when the younger version of Jarod approached
her. He waited until she was finished before speaking.
"I...really
need to talk to somebody and Sydney's busy. Can we...?"
"Sure,
James." She smiled. "Where do you want to talk?"
"Your
room?"
She led the way
and, after closing the door, pulled the table over and took out a can of Dr
Pepper from her small fridge. Glancing at the boy, she reached over for her bag
and extracted a PEZ dispenser from it, placing both items on the table before
taking a seat next to him on the bed.
"Here. Have
some."
He picked up the
dispenser with undeniable delight. "I don't have this one. Can I...?"
"I'm sorry
but it's Jarod's. I'm sure he wouldn't mind you having some of the contents
though. I'll refill it for him."
"That's...what
I wanted to talk to you about. Is he...?" The boy's stoicism now broke and
a tear slipped down his face. "He is going to make it, isn't he?"
Jennifer put an
arm around his shoulders, feeling as he rested his head against her shoulder
and sobbed. Her voice was soft. "We all hope so. But I think it's still
too early to be definite. I'm sorry. I wish I could be more specific, but I
really don't know." She brushed the back of his head with her hand and
looked down into his face. "Do you want to see him?"
James looked up
at her and wiped a dirty hand across his face, smearing dirt over his eyes as
he sobbed once more.
"I...can...?"
She took a clean
handkerchief out of her pocket and handed it to him. "Sydney and I were
talking yesterday and we think that you're the person least likely to upset
him."
"Why?"
Jennifer couldn't
help smiling. It was so Jarodesque to ask a question like that but she became
serious as she answered, knowing that it was better. "Because of the
emotional ties. He's built up mental ones with his father, mother and sister
over many years but, because he hasn't know about you for long, he hasn't had
that opportunity with you." She wiped the last tear from his cheek and was
about to continue when there was a knock at the door.
"Come
in."
The doctor
appeared in the doorway and Sydney could be seen standing behind him, a broad
smile on his face as he spoke.
"He's
complaining about you not being there. Can you come?"
"Trust
Jarod," Jennifer smiled at both Sydney and the boy, "to complain when
he can't do anything to change the situation. What do you say, want to
come?"
"Can I?
Really?"
"I think it
would be good to get his mind off things, don't you?" She looked over at
Sydney, who smiled and nodded.
"Probably
the best..."
"...provided
you don't think it will overexcite him."
Jennifer looked
at the doctor seriously. "Believe me, I won't let that happen."
~~~~
Miss Parker sat
down in a chair that stood near the window and watched figures walking about on
the ground below. A noise made her turn and she stared, open-mouthed, at the
man who stood in the doorway.
"B...Ben!
What are you...?"
"I got a
call to tell me that you were here."
"Who
from?"
"A friend of
yours. She mentioned..."
"She?"
"Yes."
Ben looked somewhat surprised. "She said that she was a little concerned
about the fact that you were here alone and suggested that I come and stay
until you can leave." Ben approached her and sat on the bed, facing her.
"I brought Robert with me."
Miss Parker looked
around. "Where is he? Is he alright?"
"He's fine.
The man outside your room brought him to me the first night that you came here.
He said that a woman had asked him to."
"Do you know
who it was?"
"I think she
said her name was...Jennifer."
~~~~~
Jennifer watched
through the window as the boy approached the bed and sat down in the chair.
Sydney stood behind her, one hand on her shoulder, watching as Jarod got over
his initial shock and finally accepted the fact that his clone was in the room.
The two outside watched Jarod's reaction, unable to hear what was going on. The
initial situation appeared a little tense but eventually it was obvious that
the two were getting involved in a serious discussion and, being unable to hear
what was being said, Jennifer and Sydney moved away down the hall.
"Do you
think he'll guess?"
"I doubt, at
the moment, if he'd be up to guessing. Maybe later, when he's more aware of
what's going on, but they've got him so doped up that he's not capable of
living much beyond the moment." Jennifer paused as a short wave of pain
hit her but quickly passed before Sydney could notice it.
"I think
you're right. How long, would you say, before they can see him?"
"A few days.
They're planning to gradually reduce the amount of painkillers he's receiving
and I know he'll want to be awake when he sees them."
Sydney looked
thoughtful. "But not to the extent that he might hurt himself."
"I don't
think his mother will let him. She's going to be so protective of him that I'm
concerned one day he might blow up at her. It would break her heart..."
He placed a
comforting hand on her shoulder. "Let's not cross that bridge until we
come to it, shall we? And then we can start worrying."
At this moment
the boy came out of the room and slowly walked over to the other two people.
His face looked slightly pale but calm. Sydney put an arm around his shoulder.
"Come on. I think that maybe we need to talk."
James looked over
his shoulder at Jennifer. "He wants to see you."
"I'll go in
now." She smiled gently at him and was glad to see a small flicker of
expression on his face but she became serious as she entered the room. Jarod
lay with his hands balled into fists on the bedspread and his eyes shut. She
placed one of her hands on his as she sat down and he turned to her, opening
his eyes to show her the pain in them.
"How could I
have created the technology that make him? How could I have let them do that?
If I'd died..."
Jennifer
interrupted, keeping her voice calm. "Then he would have drawn on the
strength for which you're so famous and would have survived, the way we would
all have had to."
"But I
created that. I'm responsible..."
"For the
creation of that life. Just think - you made life. And more than one." She
smiled, watching as her words had an effect and he smiled back.
"Can you
read me...that quote from Festus?"
Jennifer picked
up a small book in which she had begun to record the quotes that she found and
which meant the most to her.
"We live in
deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; In feelings, not in figures on a
dial. We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives Who thinks most,
feels the noblest, acts the best. Life's but a means unto an end; that end
Beginning, mean, and end to all things,--God."
She looked up and
saw that his eyes were closed and that his face, for the first time since
waking from the coma, looked calm. As she was about to get up from the chair,
he spoke.
"And the one
from "A Soul's Tragedy" about judging a man."
She found the
place and read it. "Ever judge of men by their professions. For though the
bright moment of promising is but a moment, and cannot be prolonged, yet if sincere
in its moment's extravagant goodness, why, trust it, and know the man by it, I
say, -- not by his performance; which is half the world's work, interfere as
the world needs must with its accidents and circumstances: the profession was
purely the man's own. I judge people by what they might be, -- not are, nor
will be."
Looking at him,
she knew that he was asleep and, unable to hide the pain that had been
gradually growing in her stomach, she closed the book and crept from the room.
OR