Existence
Part 3
"Remember
this, --that very little is needed to make a happy life."
Meditations. ii. 67
…Birth…
"Our birth is
nothing but our death begun."
Edward Young: Night Thoughts, night v. line 718
Now, although
I’d never admit it, I’m scared.
I’ve done what
I need to do - I’ve produced a child to carry on the Parker name and to extend
the influence of the Parkers inside the Centre.
So now what happens?
Am I still valuable? Or is my life just a burden? I know what happens to people
in the Centre who become burdens. It’s done without ceremony, without emotion.
It just happens. And no one who values their own lives ever mentions your name
again. Is that my fate? I don’t know any more. A child never really needs their
mother. My…Miss Parker is a perfect example. Hard, cold, unfeeling. She fits
perfectly into the Centre. I don’t. I’m insecure but I hide it. How well? I
don’t know. That bitch is ideal - and she knows it. Other people do, too. Even
Lyle. He obsesses over her and she totally ignores him, which irritates him
even more. All I am to him is a convenience. He uses me, like I use him. He
gets me the things I wants, panders to me when I need it, on the unspoken
condition that I do the same to him.
All my life
I’ve tried to do anything that would get me ahead, regardless of the
consequences. If it didn’t work, I would lie low and wait for an opportunity to
try again. At least, in all of my attempts, there’s one thing I’ve never had to
worry about - feelings. I’ve made sure that I distance myself from everything
that might hurt me. The outpouring of emotion that I see from so many people
makes me sick. Love, admiration, respect - it’s all totally useless. I’ve seen
it all and I’ve seen the heartache it causes. Therefore I don’t allow myself to
get at all involved. Even this child that I’ve been carrying for so long. I’ve
heard other women talk about ‘establishing a bond with their unborn child’. I prefer
to be realistic. It’s going to happen and it might as well happen sooner than
later. Get it over and done with. It will be taken away from me as soon as it’s
born anyway, so why should I worry? Handed over to Raines, I suppose. He’s as
good a person as any. And with its older siblings as Red Files, presumably this
child will be brought up to try and replace Jarod.
Now there’s a
person for whom I have feelings. Of course, they aren’t positive ones. I hate
him, and I’ve never hated anyone or anything before. But when someone is so
capable of humiliating me as often as he’s done…well, it’s not that much of a
comfort that he’s done it to others before me. It’s as though he does it
deliberately. All of the times that I’ve been so close to success and been
thwarted. The best time of my life was when he was back in the Centre and I got
to see him being humiliated in his turn. Great, I thought, now maybe I’ll get
the chance for a little revenge. Not that it actually happened. No, I was told,
you have to take care of yourself. We can’t allow you into a situation where
the child could be in danger. So it wasn’t me that they were worried about. It
was the little brat that I’m carrying around. That’s depriving me of sleep and
making me look like a beached whale. Oh, I’m aware of how I look. My
stepdaughter reminds me of it constantly. Perhaps I hate her too, but I doubt
it. I can’t really be bothered wasting energy on her, except when she’s more
successful than I am. It was the pleasure of my life to subject her to a
T-board investigation. But the memory of each time that she was more successful
makes bile rise in the back of my throat.
I’m not sure
whether I want to live or die. It can’t be denied that the pressure of working
in the Centre is enough to drive anyone to the edge. But life isn’t that
important to me anymore. All I really want is a chance to redeem myself for any
past mistakes and to gain some revenge for anything that people may have done
to me over the years. That's my aim before I allow them to take me away.
Feelings for the child? Why should I care? It isn't mine. It's belonged to the
Centre since it's inception. The fate of Parkers, Raines told me and who am I
to doubt him? After all, both Miss Parker and Lyle are now both inextricably
linked to the Centre. And I'll be linked until I stop being useful. The
question is who is now the most important person. There is a long list and I
could easily assimilate myself with any of them.
I suppose you
wonder how I can bring myself to act in that way. If you lived in an
environment where any step could be the wrong one and the wrong step could be
fatal, you'd act the same way. And it can't be denied that I'm a survivor. I'll
do what I have to do to get to the top. It's like playing snakes and ladders.
Sometimes, when you make the wrong move, you slide down the levels of power.
But patience and careful decisions will bring you back, sometimes to a better
situation than the one you were in before. That's the way I play the game. I gamble
and sometimes I lose but I can usually make up for it with careful deliberation
and decision-making.
If the day
comes, and I know that it will, I'll do my best to make the most of it that I
can. I'm not going to disappear without a trace. People aren't going to forget
me, that's for sure. And I won't be one of those people who aren't mentioned
after they disappear without a trace. I'm ready to go but not without one last
fight, without a chance to gain back some of what I've lost. I want a reputation
that will last and there are plenty of ways to get one. It's not going to be
easy for them to remove me. Even if no one is willing to help me, I'll manage
it on my own. And, for a while I'll be successful. I know that they won't let
me win forever. I'm not even trying to buy time. What I want is the opportunity
to show myself as I've never been seen before.