| UPDATED 1/27/09 You can improve the humor of almost any situation by injecting a weasel into it. � Dave Barry So, gravity was either non-existent or overly-existent. � Taffy You�re confusing me�.so you ought to go to bed. � KJ Don�t get on your high horse if you can�t take the smell. � Ray, Everybody Loves Raymond A lion versus a guy isn�t a duel. It�s just a lion eating a guy. � KJ With Mark gone there wouldn�t be anyone around to make booze out of potentially cancer causing berries. � Paul If I don�t come home covered head to toe in fake blood then I haven�t done my job as a horror director. � Eli Roth Every time I�m here someone is eating something that freaks me out. � Dr. Goodlett I�m a man of many skills and talents. � Todd Leahy Gay porn title�Open Flame (brand of candle lighters) Pierre the Russian Relephant�a relevant elephant. � KJ Some kiddies like the jugs. � Lindsay If I�m to the point that I�m Russian then yeah, I�m drunk. � Lindsay I�ll do whatever you say, just get that death wiener away from me! � Announcer on The Simpsons Hell, I even thought I was dead till I found out that it was just that I was in Nebraska. � Gene Hackman, Unforgiven Leave it to you to have a dream featuring a psycho. � Katie If I manage to kill a big monster or the mob I�ll let you know. � KJ Cool in a psychotically masterful way. (Re: my dreams) � JC If you think for one moment that I don�t have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong. � M (Dame Judi), Goldeneye Why can�t you just be a good boy and die? � Sean Bean, Goldeneye I am my own set of Three Stooges. � Katie I blame the Jello. � Katie The chair is eating me and it�s just gonna get ugly. � Katie My face is unhappy. � Mom Men are never as mysterious as women wish they were. � Grissolm, CSI Lesbian prison porn�Butch Wax (some kind of hair product) It�s time for me to bend over and receive my destiny. � Bart Simpson I shouldn�t even be driving. I�m surprised I made it here without hitting any children or Mexicans. � Sheena I haven�t been schnockered on cream soda in so long. � Katie How do you get Canadian money in the middle of Kansas? � Katie Bond, Green Bond: *In Progress* - Personal Solar-copter - Hemp clothing - Cat Heil hotdog. � Katie Welcome to the French whore house! � Judy This is all sweet or I�d throw it at you. � Katie There are some days when a mandolin just sounds right. � Katie My suitcase is full of yarn. � Katie I don�t know what it was� You said something funny and I snorted and regurgitated brownie. � Katie The brownie is just really funny right now. � Katie I just got corned. � KJ There has to be at least one accordion or it�s just not a good party. � Katie at 4:20 AM There you go. Cyber molestation. Better than nothing. � Eddie O. Why are you taking tea to England? � Mark Why is half of your webpage in Spanish? � Judy Can we sniff your bales? � Judy I don�t want kids, I want vegetables. � Katie The lords of lettuce!* (*Attributed to Katie because that�s what I heard-Judy) Actually was Alliance Atlantis. There�s nothing better than gas station girls. � Jeff Biley We can eat nails and eat paint. � Deb H. We�re in no danger here. (Fridays) � Deb H. I would say something clever but I don�t know this song. � Ed I think my pen is cold. � KJ (If you write that down, make sure you space it correctly. � Ed) You foundate people. � Ed Movie: Birthday Bloody Birthday - creepy little girl singing Happy Birthday - Fancy cake covered in blood - Blow torch, house on fire, creepy kid says �Make a wish!� Movie: Kansas Chainsaw Bunny Massacre Of all the roads that lead to Canada, very few are straight. � The Advocate ad It�s hard to do lightsaber with pretzels. � Ed Oh my god! They killed Caffrey�s! � Jen R. Jen just screamed nipple! � KJ Stockholm isn�t really a country. � Jen R. I hate loaded meatballs. � Brent There�s no Volvo in my garage. � Ed Should there be? � JC I keep forgetting to pee. � Bob Cone You gotta drop and suck. � Jen Your cooking makes me question my faith. � Get Fuzzy I�d be dead right now if this were an emergency. � Ed I�m thinking there�s a Dairy Queen behind the Walgreens. � Ed When I eat less meat I need more peanutbutter. � JC Don�t be that guy (unless, of course, you are that guy). - Dentyne-ism If all else fails, hit the ground and start flailing. - Dentyne-ism I�m as pretty as I�m gonna get. � Dad I don�t mean to be rude, but I�ve got drinkin� to do. � Night Stalker You know, I haven�t used my rubberband gun on the cat. � Katie When it comes to baserunning, he�s a real good pitcher. � Clint Hurdle I think frosting makes me lie! � Ted, How I Met Your Mother Never wear new shoes when you�re gonna run out of gas. � Ed I gotta poke it! It�s got big bubbles! � Judy The last thing we need is rabbit guts all over the floor. � Katie I always thought hack was an interesting verb. � Adam Conkey I miss ebonics. I do. � Dr. Goodlett Where�s Gary Oldman when you need him? � Dr. Goodlett Always eat what ails you. � Adam C. Jesus hates it when Goodlett sings. � Adam C. There�s an Indian swamp in my car. � Katie Well it�s better than alligators. � Judy It makes your teeth feel all squeaky. � Katie (re: Mexican soda) Snuggles loves crackheads! � Eddie O. If I had chocolate, I would throw it at you right now. - Dr. Duffy Gummi worms are longer. � Katie (After being asked if I should get bears or worms.) I do not understand O�Neill, are we preparing to dance or do battle? � Teal�c Your midlife crisis is not my emergency. � Katie I have suction issues. � Katie Here�s an important tip: stop doing that. � Homer�s life coach Weird makes the world go �round. � Mom My feet hurt too bad to be smart. � Mom There�s a fat girl in my jammies. � Mom Fine! I�m going to the bowling alley! � Jordan There�s a blind kid feeling up a nun. � Katie If it�s not the Pagans, it�s the Huns. � KJ Little people don�t get to ascend. � Judy There�s some Asian chick diein� on the TV. � Katie That�s the quietest lightning I�ve ever seen. � Mom Always get a woman between you and the enemy. � Sharpe I�ll mop up your blood from the inside! � Groundskeeper Willie Protest Stupidity/Free your mind. Unfortunately, the balance of nature decrees that a superabundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares. � Peter Ustinov The excessive increase of anything often causes a reaction in the opposite direction. ? PS- I know a nun named Ronald. � Katie Cuba is where Lucifer lives. � Michael Moore I�m gonna go get the government to do my laundry. � Michael Moore Did you know that every day Mexican gays sneak into our country and unplug our brain dead ladies? � Homer Education�s irrelevant really. � Dr. Phillips Our curriculum is under attack by the English department. � Dr. Phillips You can�t trust your spinach. � Dr. Phillips Stupid lamination. � Mike Tweed �if I can get out of the fried hohos�. � Mike Tweed His soul writhed with boredom� I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane. � 1984 I crave attention in a desperately quiet fashion. � Eddie O. Stop dancing so I can hit you! � Stan Smith You talk too much for someone who�s being cooked for. � Dwayne Movie: Bambi�s Revenge - Bambi attacks puppy - Raised by wolves - Rambo? Diney, does it hurt when root beer comes out your eyes? � Mom You know�but you don�t look Chinese. � Sister Alice Katie-mule �Hot Bimbo Buns�, for the ordinary Joe. Excuse me but I�m gonna read your front. � Dr. Goodlett You are barreling down my backside. � Katie Your diction conveys anger. � Katie I�m the reason Democrats want gun control. � Adam C. Nuclear war is just like a tornado. � Adam C. Is it hot in here or am I having a hot flash? � Dr. Goodlett Fringe Dipper (Adam) Choking Frog. ? I�ve got good friends and occasional lovers. That�ll do. � Ian Mckellan Trying is good enough, even in seduction. � Eddie O. I don�t trust mail that hasn�t been licked, that�s my problem. � Letterman To force a rainbow angers God! � Stan Smith I�m perfectly happy to be out of the closet. � Dr. Goodlett Time to go skank. � Dr. Goodlett There should always be scantily clad clouds. � Katie ? Hey a saltlick. Awesome. � Eric That�s so Virgo. � Alice The Secret Life of Judy McGyver Yeah. He just kinda disappeared into ugliness. � Judy There�s something fundamentally interesting about orangutans. � Dr. Goodlett I�ve had really bad luck with toilets. � Katie Now I�m gonna have to go home and reevaluate my relationship with my dog. � Dr. Lexey Bartlett My feet got wet and everything. � KJ Catherine Francis�that�s a name that could wring a chicken�s neck. � Goodlett She�s just so German she has to be right. � Alice Look it�s Fruit of the Loom! � Judy My butt itches. Not the crack, just the cheek. � Raul We�ll probably all be pitchforked by men is smocks. � The Amulet of Samarkand Man cannot script what sport can create. � Clint Hurdle We are not eternal. ? Eric is vi-curious. Almost anything with pockets is good to eat. � Brent I�m convincing with my lies. � Dr. Farley Freakin� New Guinea! � Dr. Farley In terms of survival�cupcakes? Not so good. � Lexey Bartlett There was this noodle I thought would never end. � Tanner Cool name- Alex/Alan Von Fang You can�t tune a squishy-box, can you? � Jarrod I�m not judging, I�m just clarifying what I see. � Eric I have a mighty cough. � Katie There are no Zorrobuns on this board. � Katie I got Italian soda in my eye. � Katie Just because he goes to Notre Dame doesn�t mean he�s not a Pagan. � Katie I�m a magic disappearing booger. � Katie I�m good at being my own Messiah. � Katie I think my tongue might be bleeding but I�m not sure. Licorice just brings out the blood flavor. � Katie I�m gonna run out of receipt here if you don�t shut up. � KJ I never lie when I�ve got sand in my shoes, commodore. � Geordie (TNG) That�s not a pretty unicorn at all. � Eric Story- Planet Apnea, CPAP=C3PO, O2, the Force (of air), Dr. Wan. *In progress* When the winds of change blow, some people build walls, other people build windmills. � Chinese proverb Apparently the universe is converging. And James Taylor is looping on the radio. � Katie This town has a dome of suck over it. � Meghan Tucker I like people who say things. � Goodlett I�m squeaking even when I don�t mean to. � Goodlett There�s some bad lemon drops out there. � Judy I don�t think Wookies use napkins. � KJ My hat�s in the way and I�m in neutral. � Ed I might have heard that in a book. � Ed I am deeply concerned and I want something good for breakfast. � UNIX fortune cookie When you don�t follow your nature, there is a hole in the universe where you were supposed to be. � Dane Rudhyar A root beer�.this is the end of Ferengi civilization. � Quark Why is Outlook underlining �doink� in red? Seems like a perfectly good word to me. � Ed I should stop eating things I find in the condo. � Ed I do not shake my chichis alone�not anymore. � Mom Everyone�s helpfulness sucks these days. � Ione I know a gay truck driver. � Ed I can�t shift with gloves on. � Ed I�ve never read a Bond movie. � Phil Scifi means tights. � Ed It�s the fabric of the future. � Deb H. Bones, there�s a thing out there. � Capt. Kirk Air and the Jonas Brothers, that�s all I need. � Landon (Brent�s cousin?) Anton the Depriver�waiter at IHOP I will not hear of the oranges. � Ed Smellocules � Ed Werecow � Deb H. If someone tied me to a tree and set me on fire, I wouldn�t be like, �Hey! I thought we had a deal!� � Dwayne You can always trust beans. � Mom Dude, if I had your money I�d burn mine. - Ione |
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| The Book is mainly my written record of when my friends or relatives say something ridiculous or strange. At the time it probably made sense. It also contains some quotes from famous, unknown or other random sources. If it's here then there's something about it I liked. Some are thoughtful but most are amusing so enjoy reading. |
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