I.
I am told I am loved.
In what way?
¡°Well¡± says B. ¡°For a start I love you of course.¡±
Of course.
¡°And the kids adore you. And your family.¡±
I¡¯m a disappointment to them, academically speaking, I tell B.
¡°Yeah, ¡®academically speaking¡¯ but they love you, nevertheless. You didn¡¯t turn out to be a complete arsehole like T. and you didn¡¯t end up in Strangeways like brother F. so..¡±
I interrupt to point out that everyone thinks brother F. is innocent.
Apart from those who recognised him from his guest appearance on CrimeWatch, counters B.
I always told him ¡°If you¡¯re going into that line of business, wear a balaclava.¡± Still, my partner reminds me, I didn¡¯t wind up bringing undue celebrity to my family, thus I am held in much affection. Far be it for me to interrupt when being told that I am loved.
Tell me about how you love me exactly, I say.
¡°well¡± goes B. ¡°It¡¯s not really so much how I love you, it¡¯s why¡±
¡°Do you always have to bring Y. up?¡± I ask. ¡°It was a long time ago, It¡¯s meant to be forgotten¡±.
A misunderstanding. We don¡¯t discuss the Y. thing. Sometimes I wonder if I should ever have owned up. We never had conversations like this before.
We never had conversations.
You still haven¡¯t told me how you love me I tell B.
¡°Where did that come from?¡±
You started it.
II.
¡°You can be so annoying.¡± My partner tells me.
How so?
¡°Well, let¡¯s see.¡± A pause. I think ¡°Yes, caught out! Give me one example, just one. Go on!¡± but I stay silent. Just in case.
And then ¡°Conversations that go nowhere, selfishness, self pity, self obsession, jealousy if I even look at someone of the opposite sex, jealousy if I look at someone of the same sex, your taste in clothes stinks. So does your taste in TV. You¡¯re a snob, you¡¯re antisocial, you¡¯re rude to my parents, you¡¯re rude to your parents, you¡¯re a hypocrite and you¡¯re a bit of a pervert ¨C and not in a good way.¡±
B. hasn¡¯t finished.
¡°You bite your toenails and when I ask why you say ¡®because I can¡¯ and I wouldn¡¯t mind but your feet smell and that makes your breath smell and you¡¯re a bad enough kisser anyway. You chain smoke and you¡¯re addicted to Nicorettes. You fart under the bedclothes and then put your head under because you actually like the smell..¡±
That bit¡¯s true by the way.
¡°..and you can¡¯t cook.¡±
Actually, B. has always loved my vegetarian lasagne.
¡°And before you bring up your vegetarian lasagne, I don¡¯t like it. In fact I hate it. I only said it was good because it was a first date and you seemed so eager to impress me and I was eager for you to impress me too. It tastes like socks. Your socks.¡±
Fuck!
¡°So, tell me about how you love me.¡± I say.
III.
I¡¯m an adequate lover though, according to B. who seems to be avoiding my question.
Adequate? Where does that fit on the scale of things where zero is ¡®Don¡¯t bother, I¡¯ll do it myself¡¯ and ten is ¡°Red hot porn star¡¯?
It¡¯s a six apparently.
What do I do that makes me better than average but not quite skilled enough to reach the dizzy heights of a seven?
¡°I¡¯m not going into details here K.¡± is what I get ¡°People are reading this¡±.
That¡¯s exactly why I want explicit details on what makes me above average.
IV.
¡°Don¡¯t get depressed about it¡± Says B.
I¡¯m not depressed about it, at least I¡¯m not a five.
¡°But you are depressed¡±
Am I? In what way?
In a Jewish way, according to B., whatever that means .
I schlep around the flat for a while occasionally staring into an imaginary camera and delivering Woody Allen-style witticisms. It¡¯s my schtick.
¡°But you do love me, right?¡± I ask.
¡°Ofcourse¡±
¡°How come?¡±
¡°Where did that come from?¡± Asks B. ¡°God,
V.
you¡¯re so unpredictable, sometimes¡±
Huh? Is that a good or a bad thing, exactly?
¡°Depends.¡±
I ask for an example. B. is on form tonight so I know I¡¯ll get one. At least.
¡°Alright¡± B. pauses and thinks for a while. I¡¯m unsure whether an example is hard to come by after all or there are so many that a choice anecdote is hard to select.
¡°Christmas. 1997 I think. Santa Claus.¡±
Was that with you? Have we really been together so long? And I think to myself that I¡¯m sure I was with P. then. I might have mentioned that story to B. but I¡¯m certain I was with P. Living in London, working for a travel agent.
Have we really been together so long?
¡°And then some. You wanted to see Father Christmas in Oxford street. We waited in line for ages. It was so cool. I really thought you were going to go through with it, the whole getting up onto his lap routine.¡±
In fact B. got incredibly stressed thinking I would actually go into Santa¡¯s grotto like a six year old, sit on his knee and recite my Xmas wish list. You didn¡¯t find it so ¡®cool¡¯ at the time, I point out, more like crushingly embarrassing.
¡°Well whatever, the point is it got really crowded and..¡±
I know the rest but B. is enjoying the story too much for me to interrupt. I¡¯m still sure it was P. though.
¡°..and you got a bit freaked. There were kids all around us. So..¡±
I grabbed your hand.
¡°Yeah, you grabbed my hand and dragged me across the toy department.¡±
Then I
¡°Heard me yelling to you from halfway across the shop. Your turned round and you were holding hands with a 5 year old girl.¡±
A screaming, traumatised never-ablet-to-face-Christmas-again-without-a-few-therapy-sessions 5 year old girl. Trust me, you had to be there.
¡°I was there.¡±
Hmmm¡
VI.
¡°You¡¯re upset¡±
¡°I am?¡±
(I am.)
¡°How come?¡± That was my question. ¡®How come¡¯ was my question.
I don¡¯t know.
Neither does B.
¡°Sometimes¡± goes B. ¡°Sometimes, I think you don¡¯t listen to a word I say.¡±
Since Feb. 2002 there have been...
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