Profiles (1-7)
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Position: Centre Back Squad No: 8 Seasons: 2007-2008
Clubs: Waterside Karori (Slapperz)
Comments: Ran (hopped) the London Marathon in 4 hours 22 last year in a sack. Is the second lovechild of Dirk Benedick (Face from the A-team) so we can't show his photo. Is unable to see the colour brown and tends to walk into trees a fair bit so he wears a crash hemet when not playing for the Slapperz.
Position: Centre Midfield Squad No: 9 Seasons: 2003-2008
Clubs: Waterside Karori (Reserves, Wanderers & Slapperz)
Comments: The giant of the team at 7ft and 150kg, Fitz was raised in the deep south and ate whole sheep for breakfast. Has the fifth largest hands in NZ and the biggest collection of frisbees. Wrote the best seller 'Frisbees, is there anything they can' t do?' Total chillie blouse. Fitz let the dogs out - then ate them!
Position: Midfield/Striker Squad No: 10 Seasons: 2004-2008
Clubs:Naenae, Waterside Karori (Slapperz)
Comments: Newtown's answer to Eminem with a record deal worth $6m after his controversial debut album 'Spermicidal Maniac' which nicely covers the cost of his 47 kids. His can count to 100 in 16 lauguages including two South African tribes. Circumnavigated the globe in 47 days and plans to beat that next year.
Position: Striker / Manager Squad No: 11 Seasons: 2000-2008
Clubs: Swifts, Collyers, Greenwich Uni, Kingston (England), Victoria Varsity, Slapperz
Comments: Cross between Nassah Hussian, Vladimir Puton and Christopher Eccleston (fellas with little hair & bignoses). Likes curries, The Arsenal, ain't keen on clowns, sock puppets, Spurs or beetroot. Found in a cave and raised by chimps. Discovered a new sub-species of Nautilus and still holds the Guinness Book of Records for his huge goalkeeper throws!
Position: Out &Out Striker Squad No: 12 Seasons: 2000-2008
Clubs: North Wellington, Victoria University, Waterside Karori (Slapperz)
Comments: Comes from another planet (turn left at Alpha Centuri and go straight for 3 light seconds - next to the big purple one). Uses the Slapperz as scientific research on 'Special' human's which explains his unique way of reading the game! Sleeps in a large pot of cold Bisto gravy. His mother's name is xprt5@ewqs which means 'Easy' and is very sensitive about this - causes earthquakes when upset! Loves Skid.
Position: Midfield Squad No: 14 Seasons: 2007-2008
Clubs: Waterside Karori (Slapperz)
Comments: Bill is invisible to the human eye so only Story can see him (evidently he's a ginga so it's best no-one can see him). Works for David Copperfield and nicks more stuff in a year than the population of Liverpool (wouldn't you if you were invisible?). He's the guy who kicks over traffic cones, hides your nail clippings and transports you home safely after a night on the sauce!
Position: Winger Squad No: 15 Seasons: 2008 (Rookie)
Clubs: Waterside Karori (Slapperz)
Comments: Give him a bowl of sugar and he can make candy floss using his fingers. Has a bionic left nipple which can tune into any radio station and communicate frequencies from whales to wetas. Was born with a rare diamond up his nostal and will never need to work for a living. Is fungophopic (scared of mushrooms) which means to rest of us have to check the pitch before each game.