[Blackadder is looking through some papers. There's a knock at the door.] Blackadder: Come [The door opens, and a man steps in.] Blackadder: Bill! Bill, good to see you. [They shake hands.] Shakespeare: Sorry I was late - the traffic was a bitch! Blackadder: Good to see you. Well, the play's going well, isn't it? Looks like we've got a bit of a smash on our hands. Shakespeare: Well, it, er, seems to be OK, yeah. Blackadder: They always seem to go for the ones with the snappy title. Shakespeare: `Hamlet'. Perfect! Perfect. Shakespeare: Act Three may be a bit long, I don't know... Blackadder: Act Three may be a bit long... In fact, generally, I think we've got a bit of a length problem. Shakespeare: Oh? Blackadder: It's five hours, Bill, on wooden seats, and no toilets this side of the Thames. Shakespeare: Yeah, well, I've always said the Rose Theatre is a dump, frankly. I mean, the sooner they knock it down and build something decent, the better. Blackadder: Exactly. So that's why I think we should trim some of the dead wood. Shakespeare: "Dead wood"? Blackadder: Yeah, you know: some of that standup stuff in the middle of the action. Shakespeare: You mean the soliloquies? Blackadder: Yeah, and I think we both know which is the dodgy one. Shakespeare: [getting upset] Oh? Oh? Which is "the dodgy one"? Blackadder: Erm... "To be ... nobler in the mind ... mortal coil ..."; that one. It's boring, Bill. The crowd hates it -- Yawnsville. Shakespeare: Well, I don't know about that. It happens to be my favourite, actually. Blackadder: Bill, you said that about the avocado monologue in `King Lear', and the tap dance at the end of `Othello'. |
| . Shakespeare: Absolutely not! You cut one word of that, and I'm off the play. Blackadder: Bill, Bill... the King has got his costume change down to one minute. Hamlet's out there ranting on about God-knows-what in that soliloquy of yours, and Claudius is already in the wings waiting to come on with that very funny codpiece -- waiting! Shakespeare: [very upset; stands] All right, all right, you can just cut the whole speech altogether! Blackadder: Bill, Bill, Bill... Why do we have to fight? It's long, long, long. We could make it so snappy... Shakespeare: "Snappy"? Blackadder: Yeah, you know: give it some pizzazz. How's it begin, that speech? Shakespeare: [sits] "To be." Blackadder: Come on, come on, Bill. Shakespeare: "To be a victim of all life's earthly woes, or not to be a coward and take Death by his proffered hand." Blackadder: There, now; I'm sure we can get that down! Shakespeare: No! Absolutely not! It's perfect. Blackadder: [preparing to write] How about "To be a victim, or not to be coward"? Shakespeare: [shrugs] It doesn't make sense, does it! To be a victim of what? to be coward about what? Blackadder: OK, OK. Take out `victim'; take out `coward'. Just start "To be, or not to be." Shakespeare: You can't say that! It's gibberish! Blackadder: But it's short, William, it's short! Listen, it flows: "To be, or not to be; that is the question." D'de, d'de de de, d'de d'de de de! OK? Shakespeare: You're damn right it's the question -- they won't have any bloody idea what he's talking about! Blackadder: Well, OK, let's leave that and go on. "Blah blah blah blah blah, slings and arrows" -- good! action; the crowds love it -- "take up arms" -- brilliant -- "against those cursed doubts that do plague on man" -- eugh... Getting very woolly there, Bill. Plague's a bit tasteless at the moment -- we've had letters, actually. "...and set sail on a sea of troubles" -- this is good: travel; travel's very popular. So let's just take out the guff and see what we've got. "...to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take up arms against a sea of troubles"! Good! Shakespeare: I resign. [stands] Blackadder: Bill, it's brilliant! |
| This is a sketch performed by Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie, possibly Blackadder, but either way it's much more my idea of Shakespeare. - Yvonne |
| The Shakespeare Sketch |