By Kali Gargoyle
***
Ooh Heaven is a place on Earth…
Ooh Heaven is a place on Earth…
Ooh Heaven is a place on Earth…
Kali quietly sang along with the song as they rounded the last corner. As the song died, one of those annoying Steven Creek Auto Mall commercials came on, and she switched stations.
"Can't you just decide on one station, Kali?" Michaelangelo called from the back seat.
"I don't like commercials," she answered in a tone that stopped Mike from arguing.
Raphael chuckled and kicked the back of Kali's seat.
"Okay, guys, we're here," Leonardo called cheerfully as the van entered the shaded parking garage.
Kali sighed but still didn't remove her sunglasses. "Good, in this heat I don't want to park outside."
Donatello fanned himself with his fedora. "Why, again, did we come visit Kali during a hundred degree heat wave?"
Leo shrugged as they slowly cruised down the first row of cars. "We'll be in the air conditioned mall soon enough. We only need to find a space to park."
Kali laughed. "Good luck."
Raph looked out the window. "Come on, this place is huge, how hard can it be?"
Kali burst out laughing again.
Leo's keen eyes scanned the dark rows. "Hmmm…there's one." He was about to pull in when a baby blue sports car sped from out of nowhere, came within inches of the van and slid into the spot. Leo slammed on the brakes just in time and grumbled, "And I thought New York drivers were bad."
Kali bit her lip to keep from laughing. Leo glared at her. He leaned on the wheel and turned to her. "If you know so much about this, why don't you drive?" He snapped his fingers. "That's right! You can't."
Kali crossed her arms over her new white ribbed tank and looked out the passenger window.
The others chuckled. Raph kicked her seat again. "What eighteen year old can't drive?"
Kali turned back and glared at him, although he couldn't see it through her dark glasses. "Maybe I should stop writing fan fiction and learn."
Raph's beak dropped open then shut. "Point taken."
Leo started up again and turned into the next row of cars. And then the next. And the next. And the next.
Don pressed his beak up against the window. "Maybe we should go up a level."
Leo nodded. "Good idea Don." He steered the car up the ramp to the second floor. It looked full. Several cars were illegally parked. Leo went down the first row. Halfway down Leo looked into the rearview mirror. "Oh, I don't believe that!"
They all looked back, except Leo, to see a car pull out right behind them. Kali tapped Leo's shoulder. "Hurry, go around! We may be able to get the spot."
"Nope," Mike said, watching a black Bronco pull into the space. "Onward!"
They passed more cars, and no empty spaces. Raph pulled his upper lip up in disgust. "That car doesn't even have a handicap sticker!"
Kali switched the station again and the familiar sound of the Dixie Chicks filled her ears.
"Turn that crap off!" Raph said, leaning over to press the button.
Kali slapped his hand. "It's Goodbye, Earl. You'll like it, trust me."
Well, it wasn't two weeks after she got married,
That Wanda started getting abused.
She put on dark glasses and long-sleeved blouses
And makeup to cover her bruise.
"That's so sad!" Mike cried.
"Beating on women, that ain't right!" Raph growled. Kali smiled.
Leo watched another car pull into a space in front of him. "Onto level three."
Right away, Mary Ann flew in from Atlanta
On a red-eyed, midnight flight.
She held Wanda's hand
And they worked out a plan
And it didn't take 'em long to decide
That Earl had to die.
Don blinked. "Did they just sing what I think they sang?"
Leo turned the wheel. "And up we go."
Those Black-eyed peas
They tasted all right to me…Earl.
You feelin' weak?
Why don't you lay down and sleep…Earl.
Raphael burst out laughing. Mike cheered, "You go girl!"
Kali smiled back. "It gets better."
Leo shook his head. "You are a sick, sick individual, Kali."
Raph grinned. "Notice he didn't say human."
Leo smirked. "Why should I?"
And it turned out he was a missing person
Who nobody missed at all.
"There's a spot, Leo!"
Cause Earl had to die
Goodbye Earl…
We need a break.
Let's go down to the lake…Earl.
We'll pack a lunch.
And stuff you in the trunk…Earl.
Is that al'right?
Good, let's go for a ride…Earl.
"Finally!"
***
Mike skipped down to the parking lot with two large bags swinging at his sides. Raph had a medium sized black bag that read Hot Topic, and Kali had a larger one from the same store. She also carried another plain white bag. Leonardo had his nose stuck in some new book and didn't look up until the garage roof blocked his light. Don, also reading, bumped into him.
"Okay, where did we park?" Leo asked.
Kali pointed up. Raph pointed to the left and Mike to the right. Leo sighed and smacked his forehead with his book.
"It's on an upper level," Kali said. "We took the elevator down."
Don nodded. "Where are the elevators?"
Everyone pointed in different directions again. Don rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling. "Hey, look a sign. The elevators are that way." He followed the little arrow to his left and the others followed. Most of them anyway.
"I know a shortcut!" Mike cried and disappeared.
"Mike, damnit!" Raph yelled. His voiced echoed throughout the garage, and several people turned to stare.
Leo sighed and followed Donnie. "Hey, is it just me, or are there actually empty spaces down here?"
"I count five just at a glance," Kali said. They reached the elevators and Raph pressed the up button.
"Shouldn't we wait for Mike?" Don asked.
Kali shrugged. "He said he knew a shortcut."
"He's never been here before," Don reminded her. "But I suppose we can wait by the car."
The elevator dinged and they all got in. Raph purposefully stood face to face with Kali, as close as possible. "Hey, fancy meeting you here."
Kali rolled her eyes, still hidden behind dark sunglasses.
They got off and went in search of their van. "What color is it again?" Raph asked.
Kali shook her head. "White, with brown paneling. How could you not remember that?"
"You're very distracting," he answered matter-of-factly.
Kali sighed and jogged to catch up with Leo and Don.
Fifteen minutes later she stopped. "Okay, this is stupid. Did we park next to a land mark?"
"Uh," Don scratched his head. "I think we were by a pillar."
Kali twitched.
"Hey guys!"
They all turned to see Mikey standing on the stairs between levels.
"Mike, come help us find the car!" Raph called.
"I already did!" he called back.
"What?" Leo cried.
Mike giggled and pointed above Leo's head. A large green sign with a white three was stuck to a pillar. "Who pressed the button?" Leo asked.
"You did," Don told him.
Leo huffed and followed Mike up the stairs. Mike got up and looked around.
"Well?" Kali pushed.
"Uhh…"
Raph crossed his arms over his chest. "You forgot, didn't you?"
"Uhh…"
Kali threw her arms in the air, but the weight of the bags brought them back down forcibly. "Well, at least we know it's on this level."
After another twenty minutes, and a bathroom break for Mike, they finally made it back to the van.
"Open the trunk, Leo," Kali said, her arms tired from carrying her bags.
"Okay." He stuck his hand into one pocket and scrunched up his face in confusion. He rummaged through the other pocket with the same expression.
"Leo…" Kali said in a deep voice that Mike shiver. "Where are the keys?"
"I had them…"
"Leo…"
"They were right here."
"Leo!" Kali dropped her bags and lunged forward. Don stepped in front of her holding up a silver key dangling from a Libra keychain.
"Found it."
They all put their stuff in the back, got into their usual seats, and Leo pulled out. He almost hit a car that was waiting for the spot. The car honked at them. Leo tried to back up, but the car was too close. It didn't even budge when they backed up. It just honked again.
Leo rolled down his window. "Back up you jackass! I can’t get out so you ain't getting' the space!"
The red car slowly backed up and Leo pulled out. As soon as we were clear the tiny red bug pulled in. All the car's passengers stared at Leo. Raph and Kali snickered and laughed.
"Road rage!" Kali cried. "You're as bad as my father!"
Mike looked out the back window. They made it to the ground level before Don turned around and asked Mike what he was doing.
"Oh, I'm counting the spaces. Can you believe there weren't any when we got here, and now I count twenty-four…oop, twenty-five."
Leo groaned and pulled out of the garage.
Kali switched the station.