The maps speak for themselves.
It was a disaster waiting to happen. In the history of the human race,
these events must have occurred periodically. The difference now is that
humans have reached a density where a minor groan from the earth causes
tremendous loss of lives.
שּׁלוס
29 December 2003, 3.34 am
As I said a few days ago, my
Christmas was rather uneventful. I guess that’s what happens when one
grows up. Christmas ceases to be a giddy, awesome activity. It’s not
that it becomes less significant, or important. It does become more
meaningful but it requires more work from the adult, unlike in the
children when the magic is usually dependent on external circumstances.
שּׁלוס
7.01 am
The day after Christmas, in the
bosom of my childhood home, I rummaged through my college files. I
simultaneously smiled and cringed at some English exams in my freshman
year. Going through my Introductory Psychology reflection papers, I was
amazed at how sincerely personal yet “insightful” (my teacher’s term,
not mine) I was at 17. It seems like I was discovering for the first
time, my real intellectual capacity and “objectivity” as I called it.
There were also letters I wrote
to friends, fellow officers in student orgs - my comrades-in-arms, so to
speak. There were also two journal entries written and torn out of a
notebook. There was something about realising God can only be served
through His people. Incendiary yet in it are the seeds of my current
commitments!
What I have learned from reading
my ‘past’ is that I have always been consistent with my principles.
There may have been changes as to the sophistication of ideas but
essentially, I am the same.
שּׁלוס
27 December 2003, 10.18 am
Christmas day has come and gone.
As with most of my adult Christmases, it was uneventful. I went home to
the province. Nothing major really happened.
The day before Christmas, my
mother and aunt fetched my uncle from the airport. He was flying in from
one of the southern provinces. He was due to arrive at 2.30 pm but the
flight was delayed by at least an hour. Instead of going straight to our
hometown when they fetched me the apartment, we went to a restaurant so
my uncle can have soup. In the middle of the meal they started listing
down food he can have and not have during the holidays (he’s recovering
from cancer). It was discovered that he was prohibited to eat most
holiday fare. So at 6 pm on Christmas Eve, while the three siblings were
eating, I trooped to the grocery to buy bags of what I call “senior
citizens’ provisions” meaning low-fat milk, non-fat yoghurt, oatmeal,
wheat germ, cottage cheese and a few other things.
In my whole life, that was the
first time I’ve ever gone to a grocery fairly late on Christmas Eve. The
queues weren’t particularly long in our supermarket, but it was a
challenge to compete for aisle space with equally-harried shoppers. It
was a relief when I finally got what was needed and it was already
around 8 pm when we started for home. It was a good thing the traffic
was very light and we got to hear the 10 pm Mass at the parish. All’s
well that ends well.
שּׁלוס
24 December 2003, 1.53 am
The day before Christmas and I’m
here alone in the apartment blogging. What a wonderful and romantic
evening and what makes it more perfect is that I’m spending it by
myself. I love my housemates but time alone is incomparable. After the
hustle and bustle of shopping and meeting up with people, I need my
personal space, my sanctum sanctorum. As I type this, the
Larghetto for Mozart’s Clarinet Quintet in A is playing while lighted
candles enhance the serene mood.
Having mentioned candles, I’d
like to learn candle-making next year. I didn’t care much for them
before but since two or three years ago, people started giving me
candles and oil-burners and I discovered how relaxing they can be.
Candles also add some elegance to a room’s decoration. However, good
quality candles are quite expensive, even in flea markets and bargain
sales. I should look at candle-making books soon. I hope the materials
are easily available and inexpensive.
שּׁלוס
3.30 am
Yesterday, my friends from the
desert near the Red Sea sent me a Christmas e-mail greeting with the
following picture:
I think that is an acacia tree
very near Kibbutz Ketura in the Arava desert (in between the Judean
desert on the north and the Gulf of Eilat/Aqaba on the Red Sea on the
south) where I lived for a short time in 2002. On the background are the
Moab mountains near the border of Israel and Jordan – or could they be
the Egyptian mountains? I forget on which side are supposed to be the
reddish ones. Now I really miss the desert! It was around this time, in
early January that I had my first sight of what an extreme desert is.
According to the Israelis, the desert attracts the mystics,
contemplative, ascetic and highly spiritual people. No wonder John the
Baptist went to the desert to prepare for his mission.
Sometimes when I think of the
places that I’ve been to, the desert has a different allure. Much as I
fell in love with Rome and dream of living la dolce vita, I would
also like to go back to the desert, just sit in the shadow of a rock and
think. Much as I would love to further explore the secret nooks and
crannies of Paris, I also want to walk along the desert’s craggy cliffs
till my feet give up. I will then find the tinkling spring in the
wadi (valley) and drink of the sweet desert water. Much as I would
like to discover London’s bookshops and museums, I would like to go back
to the desert and follow the paths in the stony ground. Much as I’d love
to savour dark German chocolates, I would also like to gather the fruits
under the fig tree in the kibbutz and bake some baklava.
שּׁלוס
23 December 2003, 1.50 am
It’s just a few days before
Christmas. I’m almost done with shopping. The first foray into the mall
was for children’s clothes and what-not. The second time was still for
children’s gifts. I realised how difficult it is to shop for infants and
the below 3 set since I had no idea what they really wanted. To make
matters worse, three of the four children I was shopping for had double
celebrations, i.e. Christmas and birthday, Christmas and
christening and yet another Christmas and christening. I don’t believe
in giving just one gift for two celebrations so I had to endure shopping
(my closest friends know that I’m Ms. I-Hate-Shopping!)
My little niece got and will get
loads of clothes from me this Christmas. When her older brother was her
age, I gave him books. I figured most of those books are still in good
condition and thus will be shared as hand-me-downs. Today is my nephew’s
birthday. I thought of giving him a stuffed toy for his birthday and a
kiddie tricycle for Christmas. I bought the tricycle last Thursday
afternoon and planned to give it to him later this evening as they will
be going home to the provinces on the morning of the 24th.
However, even the best-laid plans can be spoilt by a child! Last Friday
morning, he and my sister-in-law dropped by the house during their
morning walk. I was in the bathroom and heard my housemate talking to a
kid. I thought it was the little girl next door. Then I heard a female
adult ask “Kanino yan?”
then Benette’s hesitant “Sa kanya.”
Though it somehow burst my surprise bubble, on second thought it’s for
the better since the little boy has more days to enjoy his trike instead
of seeing it in the evening and then leaving it in the morning. I guess
everything turns out for the best.
שּׁלוס
4.51 am
I should feel guilty but I’m
not. Instead of shopping for presents, I went on a book-buying spree. I
probably spent more for books than for gifts I’ll be giving away. I
bought the following titles: Edith Hamilton’s
Mythology, The
Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli, Goethe’s Faust (German-English
edition, first part – I’ll try to find the second part very soon),
Michelangelo and the Pope’s Ceiling by Ross King and
The Origin
of Satan by Elaine Pagels. I wanted to get the Oxford University
Press illustrated book of Greek myths but it’s too expensive for my
current budget. Besides, I was supposed to be shopping for other
people’s presents, not my own, hehehe!
Hopefully I’ll have enough time
to start on Faust. We read Christopher Marlowe’s version in
freshman English class – if I’m not mistaken. I was hooked and marvelled
at the sheer drama of Dr. Faustus’s internal struggle. In German class,
we listened to tapes of plays auf Deutsch which even made it more
spectacular. The preciseness of the German language only made the
depiction of Faust’s internal turmoil scintillating. To a certain
extent, I can relate to the protagonist’s unquenchable thirst for
knowledge. In the next ten years, as I earn my Ph.D. I would also like
to learn Greek and Latin. I am also seriously considering a second
career in theology. As I told a friend, instead of a doctorate in the
environmental sciences, I might just end up like another doctor, Dr.
Faustus! :-)
As for my interest in
Machiavelli, it’s because I have to deal with power politics at work. I
would like to know if I’m already encountering Machiavellian schemes and
how to counter them. In any case, I have always been interested in
medieval Italian literature and what better way to start than with one
of its most famous personages.
Speaking of medieval Italy, as
soon as I got home from the mall, I started to read
Michelangelo
(Machiavelli’s contemporary and fellow Florentine). I even brought it
when I accompanied Benette for her check-up at the hospital. I’m less
than halfway through and it gets more and more interesting.
The Origin of Satan
is a book on religious and social history, of how Christianity’s notion
of the embodiment of evil has evolved through the centuries. I have only
scanned the book briefly and can’t comment on it yet. Originally I
wanted to get
Battle That Stopped Rome: Birth of Purgatory by
Jacques Le Goff and Arthur Goldhammer but the bookshop didn’t have it
anymore. It caught my attention as it was on religious history (the
write-up: Noting that the doctrine of Purgatory does not appear in the
Latin theology of the West before the late twelfth century, the author
identifies the profound social and intellectual changes which caused its
widespread acceptance.). I’ll order the book after the holidays. I guess
I’ll be asking a lot of faith and religious questions. Perhaps I should
see a spiritual director soon.
שּׁלוס
1.35 pm
I’m supposed to still be working
but instead I’m planning the Christmas grocery list in my head. Last
year, I was supposed to cook at home on Christmas day but God had other
plans. Suffice it to say that I was sent an SOS for a former roommate’s
wedding. This year, I was assigned by my auntie and mom to bake banana
bread. Since I’ll be at it, I might as well bake carrot cake. I’ve
always loved those cakes. If I had an oven here in the apartment I’d
probably eat banana and carrot bread everyday instead of the regular
loaves I buy at the supermarket.
My uncle the priest will also be
home for Christmas. Since he’s recuperating from his chemotherapy and is
advised to eat a lot of vegetables, I’ll probably cook pasta Provençale,
a meatless dish. I’ll see what else I can whip up for our Christmas day
feast.
שּׁלוס
3.15 pm
My nephew is having a small
birthday party this afternoon. I really am too lazy to get out of the
house but then, one children’s party is already a bonus for lethargic
people like me. In college and until three years ago, on 23 December the
clan would troop to my uncle’s house in the southern part of the
metropolis for his birthday and to also to start the Christmas
celebrations. If our other aunties and cousins from abroad are in town,
we’d most probably be having a get-together everyday until after the New
Year. It was wonderful to touch base with kin and kindred but also
tiring. The little nephews and nieces would be confused with the number
of “aunties” and “uncles” who were really lolo and lola
and ate and kuya who are really aunties and uncles. We
would even invite family friends we’d also call auntie and uncle, which
only added to the confusion.
This year, Christmas would most
probably be quieter but after the New Year my auntie and her husband
would be flying in from Hawaii. I’m thankful for some calm before the
storm and also time for me to meet my friends. In a few days, Catsudon
will be here. We haven’t seen each other for around six years. Even if
Yahoo Messenger has done a lot to bridge the gap, there’s simply no
substitute for our marathon discussions while walking around the campus.
I miss those evenings and will have at least another soon!
Another friend also flew in from
Europe last Sunday. She has been working there for three years and comes
home every year. We actually met in the workplace but since we come from
the same university and have a common circle, we became very close
friends. Another friend and I are now considered adopted members of her
family.
שּׁלוס
7 December 2003, 1.41 am
My brother and his family (wife
and two children, ages 2 years and 6 months old) live one block from my
apartment. On weekend mornings if I can, I fetch my nephew to buy
newspapers and pandesal. Even though we can walk to the corner
newsstand and bakery, we take a tricycle because he loves the ride. Very
often he’s so exhilarated with the wind on his face that he shouts with
glee. That is almost déjà vu for me.
More than 25 years ago, when I
was a child in Santa Rita (Pampanga), I’d go with my mom or grandma to
the market a block away from our house. It was of comfortable walking
distance but we’d go home in a calesa which would take an
indirect and leisurely route around the town plaza. I loved taking those
rides! It’s astonishing how family rituals are subconsciously repeated
through generations, regardless of location and circumstances.
All that sentimentality makes
my eyes moist… I have moved in the circle of life, I’m truly old.
שּׁלוס
5.45 am
Migratory birds have started to
arrive in our small garden. Now and then we get to see species of
extraordinary plume. By mid-morning birdsong is in the air. Perhaps by
mid-January we shall be treated to more complex warbling. We love to
watch the birds feasting on the fruits of the trees and swooping down on
the grass for whatever morsels they could find. The other year, a
puddle caused by a leaking pipe was used for their birdbath. We almost
didn’t want to have the pipes fixed for the sheer joy of watching the
birds.
The birds remind me of Eilat by
the Red Sea. It’s a stop-over area for birds wintering or summering. It
was winter when I was there. I was fascinated by the volume and
diversity of birds. It was my first exposure to scientific bird
watching.
Speaking of Israel makes me
think of the kibbutz where I lived. I made many friends there and
the dining table was always sumptuous both for the food and the
conversation. Though I was there for an environmental management course,
it was what I observed in the socio-political sphere which had a deeper
impact on me.
Privately, I had some profound
discussions on world history and religion. Instead of detailing those in
this entry, I’m adding a link to an
e-mail I had with one of my newfound
Jewish friends. I thought it was a good way of summarising the most
important realisations I had from that trip. Every time I learn about
suicide bombings and incursions on territories, I think back on that
e-mail. As usual, I must’ve said much more than I should but then if I
didn’t, I wouldn’t have been true to myself.
שּׁלוס
4 December 2002, 3.36 am
It’s way past a decent person’s
bedtime yet I’m wide awake, typing up this latest blog entry, listening
to Beethoven’s 5th Symphony and cooking some spicy ramen to
help drive away the December chill. If it’s not enough I’ll brew some
tea later.
My days have been upside-down
recently. I work till the wee hours of the morning, sometimes till
mid-morning, finally fall asleep around lunchtime and wake up by
mid-afternoon. Three to four hours of sleep is enough to keep me
functional. I know it’s unhealthy but thinking about a project or a
decision that has to be made does this to me.
In college, discerning if I
should run for a student council position kept me awake for days it
scared my dorm prefect. During the first three years of my working life,
some projects just kept me ill at ease I couldn’t sleep. The thing is, I
have to finish all ruminations and come up with a plan of action before
I can talk to anyone, very close friends included. Some people talk to
other people to clarify what they’re thinking; I have to work it out in
my head first before I give an indication of what I’m pondering.
I try to ‘think aloud’ now and
then but given my convoluted thought-process, it only confuses my
friends, which makes it more difficult for me. One of my closest friends
told me before I’m Zen-like in calmness even under extreme pressure. A
reason probably is because I’m already used to constantly subduing the
most dangerous battlefield: my mind.
שּׁלוס
4.27 am
Just changed CDs, now on Beethoven’s 9th Symphony: it’s dawn yet I
still don’t feel like calling it a day (a night?). I should re-format
this blog. A year ago I promised myself I’d acquire web development
skills. I did to a functional degree but much needs to be improved. I
still can’t edit HTML codes without a codigo (cheat sheet).
There are several computer programmes I have to learn. One of these
is Microsoft Access. I can use the templates but I want to be able to
create customised database files. I would also like to learn the Linux
O/S. More than a year ago, I also considered tinkering with my hardware
just so I know what to do and not call a technician every time something
seems wrong with my PC.
Right now, I don’t really have to learn any of the programmes.
Functionally, I can survive with MS Word and Excel. However, I’m always
curious and would like to update my computer skills now and then. I
don’t really consider myself a techie but since I have a lot of things
to accomplish and technology can help, might as well put that into good
use. One of these days, I’ll get a DIY book on how to build a PC.
שּׁלוס
5.21 am
Writing down the computer
software I’d like to learn gets me thinking about what else I’d like to
do in general and what skills I would like to learn in particular. Below
is a short wish list:
- Improve my foreign (modern)
language skills: I got to German Level IV at Goethe Institut aside
from the six (6) units I earned in college. However, lack of practice
has made me extremely rusty. I also have to re-learn my Spanish. I was
quite fluent in it when I was a child, with my auntie tutoring me. She
even had a long list of vocabulary words I knew at age two. Mandarin
is another language I lost. Sigh! I know I have the inclination
because with just some practice I get pretty good. After just a week
in Bonn, people thought I’ve been there for sometime. Two days after I
landed in Rome, I could figure out directions in Italian, without a
dictionary, and understood part of the conversations on the Metro. I
was even confident enough to sign a real estate contract in Italian.
- Learn classical languages and
scripts: On a whim, I tried to self-study Latin and Greek in
university. I got quite good reading the Greek alphabet. When I was in
Israel, I tried to learn the alefbet and some Hebrew words. Of course,
lack of practice has made me forget everything. One of my most fervent
ambitions (illusions?) is to be able to read the Iliad and the
Odyssey in Greek, The Divine Comedy in Latin, the Bible
in Hebrew and Greek and The Art of War in Mandarin.
- Learn a musical instrument:
As a child, I took piano lessons but what I really wanted to play was
the violin. I’ve always planned to take adult lessons but never got to
it.
- Start on a cross-stitch
project which excites me: The last substantial project I made was
around seven or eight years ago, a portion one of Michelangelo’s
Ignudo (plural, ignudi), the angels on the pillars of the
Sistine Chapel fresco.
- Learn how to cut clothes
patterns. I know I will need this skill when ultimately I go to
graduate school and live the life of a starving student. I can sew
very well but I don’t know how to cut patterns. What we were taught in
Home Economics (high school subject) but it was very rudimentary and
needs to be upgraded. I guess I’ll just have to get a book and learn
it by myself, like how I learnt more advanced tatting stitches.
The above are just some of the
things I would like to do. There are a myriad of other things on my
list. I’ll keep on dreaming.
J
שּׁלוס
2 December 2002, 4.23 am
My goodness, age has
unnoticeable crept up on me. It’s not that I feel old, quite the
contrary, but the way people treat me now makes me feel old. Well, on
rare occasions, the way I react to some things makes me think I’m in a
time-warp.
Sometime ago, I was reading an
article for work, something on environmental institutions. The authors (Partha
Dasgupta and Karl-Göran Mäler) are of the opinion that “most writings on
sustainable development start from scratch and some proceed to get
things hopelessly wrong. It would be difficult to find another field of
research endeavour in the social sciences that has displayed such
intellectual regress.” I really laughed my heart out then stopped midway
because I realised that I understood what this meant. In panic, I texted
my college blockmates to say that it’s alarming how I was now laughing
at what we once thought of as “boring” assigned readings. To make
matters worse, it wasn’t simple intellectual comprehension. I understood
the article because I encountered what the authors were referring to
first-hand! I’ve been working that long!
On a more personal level, I was
asked to ‘share’ my discernment story to a Theology class for college
seniors. My first reaction was disbelief since I envisioned people who
gave such talks as mature individuals who have gone through a lot in
their lives and are somehow fulfilled in their chosen path. Then again,
I realised that perhaps to the senior college student I was that. Ayayay!
I agreed to go to the classes.
After my ‘storytelling’ several students asked practical questions based
on the “theoretical” text they were assigned to read to prepare for my
‘sharing’. I readily answered the questions but later on realised that I
must really be old since my responses were based on my personal
experience. It wasn’t something I got out of a book! The teacher who
invited me told me days after that in their next class discussion, a
student was quoting me! Oh my goodness, I’m being taken seriously! OLD!
OLD! OLD!
שּׁלוס
4.54 am
The poem below is something I
find quite apt for our country’s present situation. What I feel, Tagore
says best. Perhaps I should include it as part of my daily prayers until
at least after the elections of May 2004.
Where The Mind is Without Fear
Rabindranath Tagore
- Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
- Where knowledge is free
- Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
- By narrow domestic walls
- Where words come out from the depth of truth
- Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
- Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
- Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
- Where the mind is led forward by thee
- Into ever-widening thought and action
- Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake
from Gitanjali
שּׁלוס
5.25 am
It’s beginning to look a lot
like Christmas, with all the lights and tinsel hung all over the
metropolis. However, it hardly feels like it. Sure, the air is already a
bit nippy but with what’s happening in this country (land of my birth,
cradle of my dreams), it feels more like Holy Week is coming! It almost
feels like year 2000 once again, with all the rallies before the aborted
impeachment hearings, when the feeling of dejection was in the air, when
the Filipino’s morale was rock-bottom.
Perhaps I should do something to
cheer myself up. Thinking of some of my friends who’ll be home for
Christmas helps.
שּׁלוס
-------------------------------------------
Shalom (peace) in Hebrew script
-שּׁלוס
