Top Ten Things To Say When People Ask If You're Pregnant and You're Not

(9/16/02)

"No, but I just learned that I can eat a whole bloomin' onion by myself."
"No, I only married my husband for the glamourous life of the wife of a janitor."
"Shh...the CEO is paying me a boatload of money to keep it quiet."
"No, I'm just retaining cookies."
"No, I just had plastic surgery to make it look that way."
"No, but you're welcome to feel my stomach process the Philly Cheesesteak I just ate."
"No, but I'm scheduled at the hospital to have your nose surgically removed from my business."
"No, but I hear that there's a virus going around that makes the victim look like she's pregnant just before she goes on a killing spree."
"Yes. Hasn't your husband heard from my lawyer?"
"Didn't you hear? I'm a lesbian. Doing anything tonight?"

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