"Yes.   No.   I mean yes.  No...yes...well no." Mr. Meathead said.

"Does that mean no?"

"Yes," Mr Meathead decided and then said, "No."

"I'm taking that for a yes."

"You should...Well, I dunno.   Wait...I used to know...well...I dunno."

Tuesday
"Yesterday I believe we had some confusion over our upcoming test," Mr Meathead tells us.

"We have a test?" cried Sarah

"Well I guess so." he said

"But you didn't tell us!" cried Jackie.

"Yes I did." Mr. M says.

"Wait.   I'm confused.  We have a test?" dan says.

"Woah.   No way.   We do not have a test."   John exclaimed as he woke from his sleep.

"Mr. Meathead, we're your favorite class aren't we?" asked Jason.

"Yes...of course..." Mr. Meathead said doubtfully.

Wednesday
"Today we will discuss Hamlet.   I believe Acts III and IV were assigned for today.   We did read them, correct?" Mr. Meathead announced.   He paused to survey the noisy room and continued, "Chuck put that away."

"But Mr. Meathead I'm calculating equations about Hamlet." Chuck protested.

"Of course.   Chuck, put that away."

"YES!   Hey Chuck, I just won $2,000." John shouted as he played his graphing calculator.

"Awesome, JW!   Hey I bet I can beat you.   Hehe gambling is fun." Chuck replied without lifting his eyes from the calculator.

"Hey Mike do you have games on yours?   Do you have the frogger game and the lotto one too?" Dan asked.

"Yeah, here give me you calculator." Mike said as he reached for Dan's calculator.

"Ooo Mike!   Me too!" A chorus of other game-less graphing calculator owners appealed to Mike, God of the Graph-Link cable.

"CLASS.   Please.   BACK to Hamlet.   And Chuck put that away." Mr. Meathead emphasized to divert the class from their graphing calculators.

"Is your other class as high tech as we are, Mr. Meathead?" Jason asked.

"No...of course not..." Mr. Meathead replied resignedly.

Thursday
"Today we WILL discuss Hamlet." Mr. Meathead told us resolutely.

"Mr Meathead, can I have an A?" Brooks asked.

"Yes."

"WOOHOO!" Brooks cheered as he jumped out of his seat and began to wrestle with a classmate.

"Mr. Meathead, may I go get a drink?" Kiera asked.

"No."

"But--" Kiera protested.

"No.   Now then.   What is Fortinbras in terms of Hamlet?"

"Alliteration!" Dan cried.

"No."

"Mr. Meathead I believe there is a philosophical implication to this dilemna," John Fry said enigmatically, "I believe that since Hamlet was a persecuted man, like Jesus, there is a connotation to link Hamlet's melancholy to Jesus' matrydom.   In another biblical respect, Fortinbras was a military man.   The military of Norway symbolizes the Egyptians when they enslaved the Jews until Moses came and set them free."

"What is he saying?" Alex, in total confusion, asked Mr. Meathead .

"Come on you guys!   Didn't you read the bible?   Anybody should know this.   So am I right, Mr. Meathead?" John appealed to the teacher.

"Well John, no." Mr. Meathead replied as he heaved a sigh.

"I still think I'm right." John said.

"Hey Mr. Meathead, what did the other class have to say about this?   We all know that they are smarter than we are." Jason asked.

"The answer is so simple," Mr. Meathead laugh almost uncontrollably, "Alright. I'll tell you. It is a foil."

"What is a foil?" Alex asked, "And what was the question again?"

"I give up." Mr. Meathead rose with a smile and returned to his desk to surf the net.

"But Mr. Meathead, you can't give up.   We want to learn." John lied.

Friday
"In preparation for the Hamlet test, you should all know important quotes from the play.   Know who said them, who they are spoken to, who they are spoken about, and what they mean.   Can anyone give me an example?" Mr. M asked.

"To be or not to be..." Kiera volunteered.

"Yes."

"I could eat a crocodile!" Jason said.

"Yes." Mr. M smiled.

"I AM YOUR FATHER." Chuck gasped

"Pansies Pansies Pansies." Dan said.

"A hump of a whale!"

"Very good.   How about some that we might find on the test?" Mr. M asked hopefully.

"Are we supposed to answer that question?" Alex asked.

"Alright.   Now then let's watch the movie Hamlet for review." Mr. M said.

Hamlet, played by a young Mel Gibson, jumps on a dining table to talk to the king.   He then leaves to see his mother.   He enters his mother's room, stabs a man behind a tapestry and then makes out with his mother.   Mr. M fast-forwards the video.   Ophelia is dressed in her undergarments and approaches a soldier standing on gaurd and begins touch him provacatively.   Mr. M then shuts the tv.

"That was sick.   How come we only watch the disgusting parts?   Anyway, that was so wrong, how can a director portray a classic work of Shakespeare like that?   The director is a pervert." Kiera declared.

"Well Kiera, I think this was to show you another interpretation of Hamlet." Mr. M said.

"Hey Chuck, after school I got some of that white powder." John whisphered to Chuck and then raised his hand to say, "Mr. Meathead I've formulated some thesis' about Hamlet's melancholy myself.   I believe that perhaps he is an alien brought to earth when Eve had just bitten the forbidden fruit. It all ties in with the...you know, the guy who kills his uncle and marries his grandmother. Oh wait, I know, Oedipus Rex, that's it. Hamlet has the Oedipus Rex complex which is complicated more because he is a ...full-fledged American transcendentalist!"

"Wow, he's really smart." Alex admitted cluelessly.

"Well you could say that.   But Hamlet was a Danish man living in the times of the danish kings."

"No.   You're wrong Mr. Meathead and I've got proof in the Bible!" John cried passionately.

"I believe you." Mr. M said.

The story continues!   In fact, it doesn't end.   Brace yourselves folks as you enter Mr Meathead II

If you liked this story, you will like the tragic story of the Computer Science Ap class at The Nail Tin