Title: Second Best
Author: juxtaposed
Rating: PG
Category: Romance/Angst
Pairing: Toby/CJ, Toby/Andie
Spoilers: Season 4
Disclaimer: All characters are property of Aaron Sorkin, NBC and The West Wing, and are used without permission, without intent to profit. The lyrics are from the Indigo Girls’ song, “Ghost”.
Archiving: Yes, just let me know. You can find this and my other works online at www.geocities.com/juxtaposed666
Feedback: Appreciated at [email protected]. I’ve greatly appreciated all the wonderful feedback received for “Ghost” and “Escape Velocity.” I planned “Ghost” as a stand-alone, but it was feedback that convinced me to make a series of out it.
Notes: This is third in a series I am now calling “Sex and Carefully Guarded Secrets.” The first two are “Ghost” and “Escape Velocity” and must be read before this will make any sense. The fourth is already in the works.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Best
-----------------------------------------------------------
now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels
-----------------------------------------------------------
Their relationship was built on sex and carefully guarded secrets. It would be a joke between them, if it weren’t so sad.
One night he held her in his arms and told her Andie was having his baby, told her he didn’t want to be a weekend dad, and wondered what she would say. She looked away and suggested he marry Andie. He said maybe he would.
Her words were there, “Maybe you two should get married again,” but he could hear what lay behind them, heard the hitch in her voice that told him she wished she didn’t care that he wanted Andie instead.
That hitch revealed her secret, and luckily she turned away, went to shower off the hurt of being second best, and let him keep his secret a little longer.
He shopped for a ring that weekend. He’d never before picked out a ring for a woman. Andie’s engagement ring had been an heirloom, and she’d picked out their matching wedding bands without his interference. But this ring was special, and he went to a store in Virginia where he wouldn’t run into anyone he knew, and picked out a platinum band set with tiny diamonds because it reminded him of her, simple and elegant and beautiful. Andie’s heirloom ring had been a giant, gaudy yellow diamond meant to constantly remind people that she was getting married.
He wanted to wait to ask her, enjoy the anticipation, wanted to sort out Andie and the babies and the announcement, but every time he saw her, she was tense and restrained, and he didn’t want her to go through another minute of feeling second best.
One night he took her home with him, and he teased her into necking in the car like teenagers, then he took up to his apartment and gave her coffee. The sun was setting, and his apartment was a calm twilight, only an unnatural blue light coming from the muted, flickering television. They talked of insignificant events, the stupid things Josh did that day, and at last she relaxed and kicked her shoes under the coffee table and tucked her feet under her.
He could hardly see her in the dimness, but the light of the television highlighted the curve of her cheek, and she reached up to tuck back a strand of hair, and looked up to see him holding out a ring box.
At first, she thought it was Andie’s ring, still thought that she was second best, didn’t realize that she was the one who made him smile whenever he thought of her, didn’t realize that babies or no, Andie no longer had any hold on him.
And when she realized he wanted her, she closed up, her body tightening into itself, refused his touch, refused his eyes, and he thought maybe he’d heard her wrong that day, that her secret wasn’t that she loved him, but that she was tired of him, thought at last she could put him back into Andie’s care.
Now he’d given up his secret, and he became frightened that he’d shown her too much, given himself into her trust, and now she knew enough to destroy him. He became like a child, begging and asking “Why?” until she broke like a door under a battering ram and gave her secret over, and he was reassured until he realized he couldn’t convince her, until she screamed and covered her ears and tried to escape him.
She told him to marry Andie, told him she wasn’t enough for him and he couldn’t give her enough of himself. And he let her go, let her escape his presence. But his mind held on, still begging like a child, still asking “Why?” And inside his head he could hear her screaming.
He drank scotch and stared out the window and saw the reflection of her hysterical eyes, and he could still hear her screaming. He sat under a blanket of intensified gravity and drank scotch and heard only her screaming.
Finally, when the screaming became sobbing, he gave up, tried to let her go. If he couldn’t be with CJ, he would marry Andie and have his children to love.
And he sought out Andie, told her he thought they should get married, and she laughed and said “Toby, thanks for the offer. I’d even think about it if you didn’t make it sound like a death sentence.”
He tried again, and another time, but he still couldn’t put any emotion into his voice when all he could hear was CJ sobbing.
He told the staff Andie was pregnant, and CJ’s delight fooled them and almost fooled him, but he saw the pause in her movements, the way her smile didn’t reach her eyes. CJ followed him into his office one afternoon, told him she was worried about Andie, that she wanted to announce a wedding. He couldn’t look at her when he told her he was working on it. He couldn’t look at her because if he saw her face, he would beg her to listen to him, beg her to stop sobbing.
Their relationship had been built on sex and carefully guarded secrets, and now the secrets were in the open and the sex was gone, and he didn’t know what else to say to her, except, “I don’t want anyone but you.”
--------------------------------------------
unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me
-------------------------------------------
-FIN-
This series is continued is "Breathing in Silence"
back to series main page
home
feedback