Title: Escape Velocity
Author: juxtaposed
Rating: G
Category: Romance/Angst, Vignette
Pairing: Toby/CJ
Spoilers: S4, and a sequel to “Ghost”
Disclaimer: All characters are property of Aaron Sorkin, NBC and The West Wing, and are used without permission, without intent to profit. The lyrics are from the Indigo Girls’ song, “Running From the Cold”.
Archiving: Yes, just let me know. You can find this and my other works online at www.geocities.com/juxtaposed666
Feedback: Appreciated at [email protected]
Notes: This is a sequel to “Ghost”. This will be a MUCH better story if you read that one first.
Update - 11/18/02 - this story is now part of the "Sex and Carefully Guarded Secrets" series.
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i took off last night with my coat and my intention
to make connections with the eyes that left me blind
left my love for the strength of that white, white line
i left, one more time i could have heard "i love you"
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She feels light, unfocused. Perhaps her body is now able to defy gravity, because she can’t really feel herself walking. She’s moving, faster and faster away from his apartment, carried by an unknown force that needs to get her as far from him as possible.
The October wind is cold on her face, pushing at her body, and she thinks vaguely that she should button her coat. When she looks down, she sees she isn’t wearing a coat, just the suit jacket she wore in the office all day. Distracted by Toby, by his mouth on her neck, she left her coat in her car when they went up to his apartment.
She hears his voice in her head, feels him pulling her, willing her to come back. She walks faster, lets the wind lift and carry her. She feels only the need to escape, sees only Toby’s pleading eyes, hears only his voice. Not far enough away yet.
Her car. She can get in her car. The car moves faster than her feet, will carry her farther. Perhaps she can push the gas pedal hard enough to reach escape velocity, to reach a speed that will leave the black hole that is Toby far behind her.
She doesn’t remember where she parked, stumbles aimlessly around the block for 20 minutes before she comes across the vehicle by chance. She is driving, and she doesn’t know where. She doesn’t see the road, she only sees his eyes. She sees the ring, a simple band of diamonds set in platinum, their shine dulled by the tears in her eyes and the darkness of his apartment.
She hears his voice, saying “Please,” saying “This can work.” He wanted her to believe that he could love her, live with her, and still spend time with his children. His and Andie’s children. She would always share him, she knew he would always be pulled between his love for her and his responsibility to Andie and his babies.
His love for her. His love for her that she only discovered when he pulled the ring from his pocket as she sat curled on his couch, watching CNN on mute and sipping too-strong coffee. His love for her that she never knew existed in their relationship that had always been about sex and carefully guarded secrets.
“Andie’s having a baby,” he had told her last week, rubbing the back of his head and pulling her close to kiss her neck. “My baby. She did it without telling me.”
She leaned back against his arm, tilted up his chin. “Andie’s going to have your baby? Are you okay with that?”
He shrugged, smiled out of the corner of his mouth. “I always wanted to be a father. But not this way. I don’t want to be a weekend dad.”
She swallowed, turned away. “Maybe you two should get married again.” She heard the choking sound in her voice, wished it didn’t matter to her who he married.
“Maybe.”
She left the room to take a shower then, and they spoke no more of it. Theirs was a relationship of convience, and she had no hold on him.
A week later they sat in his apartment, and when he pulled out the ring, she thought he wanted her opinion on what he bought for Andie.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Don’t you want to try it on?”
“Why would I try on a ring belonging to your soon-to-be ex-ex-wife?”
“Would you try on a ring belonging to my former-best-friend, soon-to-be-wife?”
She looked up at him, and she knew confusion was written all over her face. He was standing almost in shadow, his eyes hidden, the ring box held out to her, and at last she realized that this was his proposal. To her.
“Marry me, CJ.”
If she’d been a cartoon, she would have shaken her head dramatically to be sure she heard correctly. Being CJ, she sat on his sofa, motionless, staring at the diamond band in his hand.
“Andie is having your baby, and you’re asking me to marry you.”
“Andie is having my babies, actually, yes. But I want to marry you.”
She let the “babies” comment pass for the time. “You don’t want to marry me. Marry Andie and be a full-time dad.”
“If I wanted to marry Andie, I wouldn’t be asking you.” He leaned over her, took her limp hands and pulled her to her feet. “I want to marry you. Say yes.”
“No.” He had her trapped between the couch and his body. The only escape was an undignified scramble over the cushions. She stood her ground, but avoided his eyes.
“Say yes.” His voice was a whisper.
“No!”
“Why, CJ?” He put a hand to her cheek, turned her face to his.
She looked him in the eye. “You deserve your family.”
“Why, CJ?”
“I don’t love you.”
“I don’t believe you. Why?”
“I can’t give you children.”
“I know that. Why?”
“I don’t want to share you, dammit!” She pushed against his chest, and he stepped back, allowed her to escape. She began pacing the floor. “I won’t share you with Andie and a ba- and your babies. I’ve shared you for years, with Andie, the President, the country, and I won’t do it forever.”
“CJ, it’ll work. Marry me.”
“No.” The words were a whisper, her eyes shut tight, arms crossed.
“CJ…”
“No!” At last she screamed it, her hands over her ears. “No!”
He kept trying, still thought he could convience her, thought that it could work. Couldn’t see that she wanted him for herself, even though she knew it was selfish. She’d never had anyone that was hers, all hers, someone who would be totally focused on her, them. She didn’t want to spend her and Toby’s married life sharing holidays with Andie and the kids, didn’t want to buy toys for children that weren’t hers, didn’t want to see him longing for something he could never get from her.
He finally saw the hardness in her eyes. “Please…” he whispered, and she hears the defeat.
She shook her head. “I can’t marry you, Toby. I’m sorry. Marry her. Please. It will be easier, better, for all of us. She can…will make you happy. I’d just resent you after a while.”
‘And you’d resent me,’ she thought.
He reached for her, and she avoided his touch, knew the feel of his hand on her skin would break down all her barriers, leave her a trembling heap on his floor who would settle for less than she wanted. Instead, she left him behind in his darkened living room.
She’s still driving, looks around and has no idea where she is. Lost, because she wasn’t paying attention. She has no idea where she is, but she can still feel him, cannot escape him. She pulls over to the side of the road, and when the car is stopped, she gives over to the crushing weight in her chest, leans her forehead on the steering wheel, and weeps with regret that she gave him up.
-FIN-
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i tried to lose this restless spirit in a mission of regrets
but i can't survive without this war
and your eyes reflect the visions that i can't forget
i find balance on a darkened highway
i find truth by the side of the road
and someone else's tune to lift me high above the line
that leaves me running from the cold
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-FIN-
This series is continued in Second Best
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