[LZ Note: This interview assignment started out innocently enough, with me
getting the assignment to talk to The Evil Masked Broadcaster, formerly of
UEW and currently co-handling the WANA shows. I'd gotten his cell-phone
number, but my office interns whom I had assigned to set up an
interview had all mysteriously vanished shortly after trying the number. Some
of the other office people reported that they'd said something about a
recording requiring them to speak some password in ancient Draconian,
and then there was a flash of light and POOF, nothing but ashes. Of
course, I didn't believe a word of it, but that left no good explanation
for the holes in the office roof and the ash (and charred skeletal
fragments) scattered around, so I decided to track the guy down in person.
I began calling around to some co-workers and associates to try and get
The Evil Masked Broadcaster's home address. This was met with
responses ranging from stunned silence to pleas to drop the assignment for my
own safety. Well, I'd never missed an assignment yet, and I wasn't
about to start. Still, I kept running into a wall of abrupt conversation
changes and questions about my mental health until I managed to contact
TEMB's old broadcast partner, former WWO/OSW/UWF grappler Dr. Malus
Herbert (known better by his ridiculous ring name, Dr. Mal Practice) to
fess it up, in exchange for my buying, and plugging, his newest book,
Painless Medicine The Mal Practice Way, Volume Five. There, I did it.
Now stop bothering me.
So I went to a suburban neighborhood in a location I'd probably be
killed for revealing, and the first clue that something wasn't right was
the house. I mean, it was black. Not just the siding, not just the
paint, everything! The windows, black. The doorknobs, black. The
gutters, black. The lamp on the front doorjamb, black. The GRASS, black!
The only thing I could read was the doormat, which had "Flee For Your
Miserable Life Before I Smite You Down With The Unholy Balefire Of Evil"
in some odd aqua color. Well, I already knew the guy had a color scheme
fixation, so that wasn't too bad. But then there was the humongous
satellite dish on the roof... just a few dozen feet too big for normal TV
reception, I think. And then there was the other thing up there that
looked like a cannon of some kind. Well, interesting props, I thought,
as I rang the doorbell.
Well, there was a flash of light, a boom sound, and the mat fell out
from underneath me... then I guess I lost consciouness for a while. The
next thing I knew, I was hanging on a wall in some creepy dark place
that looked like something out of an old B-movie. Well, I didn't think
this actually happened to people anymore outside of third world
countries and really kinky clubs in Los Angeles, but maybe I should have read
the welcome mat one or two more times before I pressed that doorbell.
So, that's when The Evil Masked Broadcaster showed up, and the
interview began.]
LZ: Well, uhm, nice to meet y...
TEMB: : SILENCE, INSIGNIFICANT WORM! I, the lord and master of evil
broadcast journalism, am offended that one such as you would dare presume
to attempt to learn my secrets! No doubt you plan to try and thwart my
foolproof plot to conquer the whole of Earth, in not in fact the entire
galaxy!
LZ: Uh, it's just an interview for Just The Facts. You know, where I
ask questions about wrestling? And you answer them?
TEMB: A likely story... a likely story indeed! But, since I now have
you in my clutches, and there is no possible way you could escape to
tell the world of the imminent invasion and my diabolical plans, I suppose
I could allow you to ask your questions, strictly for my own amusement.
You may ask your questions, spy, until I grow bored with them and cast
you into the heart of my Interphasic Photon Disassembly Field
Generator. I find that causes a human body to make a satisfying *POP* sound
when it's internal fluids all simultaneously boil... MUHAHAHAHAAA!
LZ: You know, I've heard of "living your gimmick", but there is such a
thing as taking it too far.
TEMB: GIMMICK?! FOOL! Were you not warned that I, the living
embodiment of all evil, do not suffer intrusions from the common sheep?
LZ: So, if you're some evil conqueror bent on global domination, what
the heck are you doing in pro wrestling?
TEMB: I find that after a long day of hatching my countless subtle
machinations, harvesting the fruits of the global chaos which I have spent
so long formenting, and cruelly slaughtering my enemies without pity or
mercy, it is quite relaxing to watch two men enter the field of combat
and murder one another. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
LZ: I have yet to see anyone actually murder anyone in the ring. Given
the stuff they did in EMWC, that's a minor miracle. Now, come on,
enough is enough. Would you please drop the silly gimmick and let me
interview you?
TEMB: SILLY?! _SILLY_?! YOU DARE! FOOL!
[LZ Note: The rest of what he said, I'm not entirely sure. Partly because he'd
just punched me in the face, and partly because I never was any good at
tounge twisters.]
TEMB: Such scismatic skepticism and seditious slander seems to suggest
suicidal self-regard; surely you shall soon suffer a shockingly
sadistic slaughtering so sanguine that your skeletal structure shall shatter
and sublimate! Such is the sanction set in stone to smash squalid
simpletons who senselessly spur me by specifying my saturnine sphere of
supremacy as SILLY! RHAAAA!
[LZ Note: I think this was followed by several more blows to the head, because
by the time I recovered, I was in a different room. There were all
kinds of weird machines in here, and the place smelled like blood. It was
about now that I remembered that no less than twenty people had warned
me against coming here, and significantly less than twenty people had
offered me a raise for taking this assignment. So I somehow ended up
inside a machine that looked like one of those little glass
lightning-ball things which have a center, and little glowing rays come out of it,
and you put your hand against the glass ball and the glowing rays come
towards your hand. Right. Whatever it was I'd smoked for lunch, I was
NOT having it again.]
TEMB: Good, you are now conscious. Torturing my victims to death is
much less enjoyable when they cannot properly express the depths of agony
in which they are immersed, just before they die.
LZ: So, this means, no interview.
TEMB: It does. It also means that my electro-particulate degenerator
will cause the molecular bonds holding your body together to slowly
disassociate, ensuring a horrific death. I would that I could stay and
properly observe your untimely demise, but I am a very busy supervillain
and I have entire nations to hold in sway, countless millions of people
to brainwash, and a lunch appointment with Hillary Clinton where I plan
to promote her to Satan's old position in my organization, now that
I've had him executed for gross incompetence. However, I will be
recording everything, as well as siphoning off your immortal soul into a beaker
where I can torment it any time I please... I've ordered the brand new
CD "HERO Ishikawa sings Sinatra", so perhaps I'll start with that.
LZ: Killing me is one thing, but that's going too far! You'll never
get away wi... I can't believe I almost said that...
TEMB: Scream for the camera, insolent dolt!
[LZ Note: And then there was a flash of light, and pain worse than anything I'd
felt since having to watch a tape of some indy "message board" feds for
a review (I don't know why they call them that, but damn, I needed
prescription narcotics in order to form sentences after that hellish
experience).
That's when I blacked out, and I had the oddest dream.
In this dream, none of the above stuff actually happened, but I just
reported it in order to protect TEMB's gimmick. Because, you know, some
people are old school like that. In this dream, the guy agreed to talk
to me after a WANA house show, and the interview went like this...]
LZ: So, how in heck did you become The Evil Masked Broadcaster?
The Out Of Character Masked Broadcaster: You know, it's been so long
that it's difficult to remember the details. I'd auditioned for UEW as a
heel commentator... you know, they used so many commentators that they
had a different team for each match, something unusual which very few
places has ever done... and a road agent. I decided to go rather
over-the-top with my comments regarding the more brutal, violent moves, and
there really wasn't anyone working the booth at that time who attacked
it with quite that amount of zeal, shall we say. They were going to
emphasize my standing as an ex-wrestler who was...
LZ: Aha! You're an ex-wrestler... that's a clue!
TOOCMB: Yes, that narrows it down to only a few thousand people I could
be, Lenny. I'd assumed that, given my build, most people could have
figured that out, though. I was a wrestler, albiet a wrestler who
achieved only moderate success in that field. It turned out that I was
better suited for microphone work. After the UEW audition, I got both
jobs... they were a package deal, which was how UEW operated with so many
people on-camera. Then I came up with the gimmick, which I felt was more
interesting than a 'frustrated ex-wrestler' schtick. That had been
done to death, and really still is. The office wasn't sure about gimmicks
in the booth, but they let me try it. IT turned out to be very
popular... so popular, that I ended up becoming one of UEW's few commentators
who were only that.
LZ: Why DID UEW use a different broadcast team for each match? It
seemed pointless.
TOOCMB: Believe it or not, there was a very good reason for it.
Finances. It actually cost less to have different people in the company do
the matches, than to pay one set of guys what I call "Todd Michealson
money". You had, for example, Joe Bruise, my broadcast partner. He was
the head referee. Chris Flint was a cameraman. Kevin Diamond was the
head road agent, and for a time was involved in booking. Johnny
Rodgers was a trainer, though he later moved up in the company as well. Don
Shamus started in accounting, and ended up head bookmaker for a time.
There were exceptions, though... Kilty O'Neil worked a radio show in
Calgary, and did our shows for additional exposure. And then there was
my other broadcast partner, Dr. Mal Practice MD, who runs a family
practice, and worked WWO also. But aside from a few exceptions, almost
every single UEW broadcaster had a different role in the company, and
worked a match for that "air-time bonus". I must confess, though, that I
ended up making more than all of them, largely due to merchandising.
LZ: You've never made "Todd Michealson money", have you?
TOOCMB: Heh, no. I have done well for myself, however, and most
importantly... I would go so far as to say this is the real reason I became
TEMB... I had fun. Going out in front of millions and acting the part
of a crazed comic-book supervillain is actually quite enjoyable. It's
like punching a stress-relief dummy, but better.
LZ: So what is it like, wearing that mask? There aren't any holes in
that thing... how do you breathe, let alone speak through it?
TOOCMB: It is a breatheable mesh. Much like wearing pantyhose, I
imagine, though I can't speak from experience on the matter. I was
fortunate to find an excellent maskmaker early on. War Machine Customs in
Amarillo, Texas... War Machine was a wrestler in the old UVW days, though
he never did escape the deep undercard. He makes wrestling attire
now... actually, his shop mainly caters to the biker crowd, but he also does
wrestling gear. He's done quite a lot of big-name wrestler's ring
gear.
LZ: And his mother named him War Machine?
TOOCMB: Masked men always protect the secrets of their fellow masked
men. Unless, of course, they're feuding luchadores, but I digress.
LZ: So I notice you're not using your TEMB voice.
TOOCMB: I try not to use that voice whenever possible, because if you
do it long enough, it starts to hurt. And it's hard to take a glass of
water through a featureless black mask. The voice came from cartoons,
I admit. The old "Darkseid" voice from Superfriends, or "Dr. Claw"
from Inspector Gadget... whatever I watched when I was young. You try
doing that voice for an hour, talking the whole time. When I first
started, I'd be begging for short matches. As time went on, I became better
at maintaining it over time, but I'm still hoping that I'll be able to
speak at age 60.
LZ: You became pretty popular in UEW, but didn't you ever consider
jumping to an organization where you could work full-time, and make that
big money?
TOOCMB: Not really. I preferred the schedule in UEW, which was very
relaxed as far as commentators were concerned. That's why Mal worked
UEW. We'd been friends for quite some time, and he wanted to get involved
on a part-time basis. Obviously, there are no part-time wrestlers...
not unless you've made a big name. So he worked commentary with myself
and Joe, and as a three-person team, we had tremendous chemistry.
Chemistry is the single-most critical ingredient for a broadcast booth... I
don't think that's a debatable point. The best chemistry I recall was
actually the combination of Mickey Ralph and Sam Bradley in the WWO; I
would call that team the best of all time. I would say that nowadays,
Larry Van Keel and Rick Perle have the best chemistry.
LZ: Define chemistry.
TOOCMB: The ease and comfort of working with another broadcaster as one
unit. You can't be "Larry Van Keel" and "Rick Perle", you have to be
"the team of Larry Van Keel and Rick Perle". It is almost exactly like
a tag team, save that there are no tags... you're always on the
double-team.
LZ: So, after UEW closed, what did you do?
TOOCMB: I carried on as I had before, mainly. I do have a day job, you
know.
LZ: Another clue!
TOOCMB: I made spot appearances on a few shows, both big and small. I
also went into a short-lived venture called AWMC on a more permanent
basis, as the manager of The Evil Masked Wrestler. Of course, in order
for TEMW to work, I have to be around, and if my name is going to make
any sense to anyone, I have to call matches. So as much as I'd love to
do that again, it can't really happen unless a federation allowed me to
come in and call matches. Or I could change my name to The Evil Masked
Manager, but I refuse to do that. "TEMB", after all, is on all of my
stationary.
LZ: Whatever became of The Evil Masked Wrestler?
TOOCMB: Oh, he's around. You probably know his name. When I got him,
he was a rookie looking for a break. Well, it's hard to get a break
underneath a featureless black mask unless that is going to be your face.
He probably wouldn't have minded that, but TEMW was something that
could only really work in UEW, where I had two or three years under my
belt, and I had credibility... well, such as it is for a commentator. But
the UEW had this young talent, and they wanted to get him over right
away. They remembered what happened the last time I took an angle and
ran with it, so this time they gave me the angle instead of just letting
me take it.
LZ: There's got to be a story there.
TOOCMB: Indeed. Right after I started... this would be mid-1998... a
fellow broadcaster named Wally Wolverton, who is no longer with us,
bless his soul, started mocking the huge upsurge in stables by creating an
announcer stable. Well, he went on-camera and claimed that he'd
started one. He called it the "New Word Order", to poke fun at a popular
stable of the day. To his surprise, several other announcers just ran
with it the next week and proclaimed themselves members. Then I went
ahead the week after and declared that I had taken over the stable and
would use it to conquer the world... you know, just what The Evil Masked
Broadcaster would do. And Wally sold this, declaring his vengeance and
splitting off into the "Chiuhuahua Pack", another stable and angle
reference. Then Kevin Diamond did it with the "Lime Pack". The amazing
thing is that this, which started as a joke, somehow got over and
turned into an angle. We even had a MATCH, for crying out loud, on the
pre-show 'dark' section of a major pay-per-view.
LZ: Commentators wrestling...
TOOCMB: ...should never happen, I know. Thankfully we had Leroy Brown,
who could still work. And we had the JOB Squad, who represented
Diamond. So the match was good for what it was. It was tremendous fun, and
I think the fans appreciated it as a break from the serious angles that
were going on at the time. Immediately thereafter, we canned it,
because some of the wrestlers became resentful at this taking-up of airtime.
I understood the point, for at the time, we had an influx of new talent
that needed airtime to try and get over. So we dropped it, and the
only vestiges that still remain of the old New Word Order are my color
scheme... that was where black-and-aqua came from, we all had
black-and-random-silly-color... and my music, a Ministry re-dub. And I think Lou
Jefferson still has his towel.
LZ: So fast-forward to the present day. You're now working a full time
spot in the newly formed WANA.
TOOCMB: Re-formed, but yes. Sean McDougal is a friend of mine, and
when he signed up Joe Bruise, I was in. Even though it means doing the
voice for two hours. There are worse fates.
LZ: I've heard this before about it being "re-formed". Could you
elaborate?
TOOCMB: I could. From 1995 to 1997... actually, the first first
iteration was in 1994, but that wasn't a success... the organization now
known as Wresting Association of North America was called Ultra Violent
Wrestling. It went world-wide and was a massive commercial success. It
ended up going the route of EMWC, with too many fingers sticking into
the pie and the subsequent degeneration of the business model. Stars of
the day included Kamikaze, who is returning to WANA, Whiplash, Thor,
Sylvester Legend (later Sylvester Landeau in his brief UWF run), and many
others. Most of them were veterans who left the business after the
closure of UVW. But some of the young undercard talent from UVW moved on
and became stars elsewhere... The Outlaws, Bad Boy McCade, Tetsui
Fushinoshi, and James Monosso. And there was Dr. Mal, but he was never
young... heh. Anyway, there was an abortiove restart in 1999 under the
WANA banner, but the business interests behind the scenes couldn't get
along, and the whole thing dissolved into components. One of the
ownership interests ended up eventually buying out the other interests, so now
it's under a consolidated management. If we've learned ANYTHING in
wrestling these past ten years, it's that you must have one consolidated
power base in order to succeed.
LZ: That's the truth. So can we expect you to wreak any more evil in
WANA?
TOOCMB: You can count on it, but only from a commentary and support
role.
LZ: So, what players can we look forward to big things from in WANA?
TOOCMB: Well, a starting federation needs a center, someone to build
around. For us, that would be Magnus Colby, because his character
enables us to spin off angles with ease and with believability. He's also a
'name' veteran, which never hurts the draw. Then you have Tasogare no
Prince, who would be the veteran face. He brings an in-ring style
which has gained tremendous popularity in these past few years, the
Japanese juniorheavyweight style. That style has influenced a great many
modern stars, and Tasogare may be the best in the world at wrestling that
style against American-style wrestlers. Then you have The Spectre, who
is our monster heel, and who has limitless potential in that role.
Already, he is drawing the biggest reactions in the card. These three are
all experienced hands who know their way around the ring.
Then we have several younger stars with great potential. Tony Vendetta
could be a future World Champion, if only he goes out and takes it.
The Masked Krishna has a unique wrestling style that brings something
entirely new to the ring, and does so well. I suspect that if a global
federation chose to tap the Mid-Asian market, he would be a natural fit;
I don't know of many other high quality Indian wrestlers. Archimedes
has a great character and is very proactive, but he might be too small
to go further... I suspect he hears that a good deal, but it is an
inescapable truth. One never knows in wrestling. The jury is still out on
many others, but thus far, noone in WANA has been disappointing.
LZ: How about your take on the business in general? Some people are
pointing to signs of an upswing.
TOOCMB: Much has been made of the 'cyclical nature' of wrestling. I am
not sure there is really enough evidence to convincingly argue that
theory. I am also unconvinced of the upswing as yet, because there needs
to be more of an influx of fresh talent from new places. I am not
seeing that as of yet. I believe that most of the upswing talk is centered
around the recent successes of RCW, and the resurgence of UWF, and the
beginning of promising territories like WANA, JJG, PPW, and EPW. And
perhaps one or more of those will prove themselves and become more than
a territory. Perhaps not. Federations are exceedingly fragile things.
IIWF seemed invincible, and it vanished. EMWC seemed invincible, and
it vanished. IWF/WOW lasted for YEARS as a territory, and after all
that time, it finally became mainstream... then vanished. Only the test
of time will say whether this is an upswing or not.
LZ: You're quite a pessimist.
TOOCMB: Perhaps that is why I wear a mask and carry on like a madman in
public.
LZ: Well, that and you get paid for it.
TOOCMB: And it's great fun. You should try it sometime, Lenny. If
they won't give you that raise, wear a featureless black mask and threaten
people with fates worse than death until you get it. You know, I tried
that with Shamus once, and it actually worked! Then Mal went out the
next day, took one of my masks, and tried it with Mark Stone. As I
understand it, they gave him a case of decaffinated coffee and sent him
home. Mal still has that mask; he tells me it helps him sell books.
LZ: So, that brings up my next question. You live behind a mask, as
far as the public is concerned. Who knows the real Evil Masked
Broadcaster? That is, who are your friends in this business?
TOOCMB: Dr. Mal has been one of my best friends for many years, and he
remains so. He's my personal physician, also... scary but true. He's
like me... he got in this business strictly for the hell of it, and
that provides a certain perspective that most people in this business
simply do not have. We've heard many rants from many people about how
wrestling is their life, it feeds their families, it consumes their
thoughts. We tend to laugh at that; no offense to those who may fit that
description. You can feed your family working road crew in New York, which
is to say doing next to nothing. I digress again. I had many friends
from the UEW 'announcer circuit': Johnny Rodgers, Mike Willis, Fred
Hoyle, Kilty O'Neil, Titus Augustine, et al. Joe Bruise, though, was the
man I worked with, and as such I got to know him very well. He is a
good man, the kind of man The Evil Masked Broadcaster would despise. And
he put up with Mal and I, which says a lot, since we didn't put down
our gimmicks until we got home. Even then, our families have to hear it
sometimes, heh.
LZ: Aha! You're married, another clue!
TOOCMB: Well, everyone knows that, Lenny! The Evil Masked Broadcaster,
who epitomizes evil...
LZ: I thought that was Serge Annis.
TOOCMB: Him too. As I was saying, longtime UEW fans know that TEMB
married Angel Chastity, who epitomizes goodness and happiness and flowers
and bunny rabbits and all that rot. Well, that's not her real name,
but that is my wife.
LZ: Whoa... I remember her. I don't know what you have going on under
the mask, but I want some of it. And yeah, that whole good-evil thing
sounds like spousal abuse in the making.
TOOCMB: Oh, it is, it is. But every time I go to report her, she pulls
out the frying pan again and gives me the beating of my life. You
know, whenever a fan threatens me with the beating of my life, which
happens often because you know how fans get, I just think "you fool, you have
no idea of what I go home to".
LZ: Heh, sounds familiar somehow.
TOOCMB: In all seriousness, I am a fortunate man. I have a good
family, a good job, and good friends. All of these things, I love. But now
there is only one problem, Lenny.
LZ: What's that?
TOOCMB: Now that you know all of this, I cannot permit you to live.
[LZ Note: Okay, so then my dream ended, and I woke up. I was being carried away
from a burning black house, by some guy wearing red, white, and blue...
I couldn't see very well, and by the time my vision had cleared, I was
in an ambulance being taken in for a whole bunch of things I can't even
pronounce.
So, there you have it. My interview with The Evil Masked Broadcaster.
Part of this is even true... you use your judgement on which part.
So, until next time, I'm Lenny Zefring, and I need a raise.]
- Lenny Zefring is the lead announcer for Tri-State Internet Wrestling and head interviewer for Just The Facts! 3001. If you wish to setup an interview with Mr. Zefring, please e-mail us at [email protected] with the details