me [part 2]
okay well i guess this is going to be some [psycho] self analysis thing. now let me seeeeeee. describing myself. thats a hard thing to do. i mean there is a hell of a lot to me. i could keep writing forever and still it wouldnt represent me totally.
i dont follow any religion..... i consider myself a surrealist. i like to live in the dream like state that produces a lot of art and i dont get motivated all that much for the physical world. this has caused a lot of people to think im a lazy druggo bum, or a hippie. i can tell you one thing though, i aint no druggo. i've distanced myself from the world without the help of drugs [im undesided if this is good, but it has landed me in theropy and on medication].
im a confused little chappy who changes from day to day, hour to hour. i have more personalities than you'd ever imagine, and im always changing my mind/views on things. sometimes im cynical, sometimes im optomistic. but at the end of the day, its clear that im not stuck in my ways, but this leads to a hell of a lot of changes and confusion, and constant thinking and sleepless nights and a roller coaster of emotions.
i question things. a lot of things. too many things. its gotten me into a lot of trouble and has pissed a lot of people off, including myself. but as a human i have defects [if you like call them that]. questioning things [like life] has also landed me in theropy and on medication.
one thing that annoys me about me is how influenced i am by other peoples opinions. its made me very anxious and paranoid.
what people have said:
im told im arrogant as hell, as in i often talk down to people. sad thing is that most of the time i dont even notice it. i think its something i've inherited from my dad.
something im more proud of is being told im feisty, although sometimes i hate it. in the year 12 year book at my school my english teacher wrote that im "feisty chris hoffman" and its soooo true. people have said it for years. if i beleive in something i'll fight and fight and fight my way threw, and never give up.
also in the year 12 yearbook it was said [in a humourous way] that im the person most likely to... "kill someone with a look". many people agreed, and i guess its true, i do have killer eyes. im often told i look evil.
another thing i like is when people say im so loveable. but its sad that when they get to know me better and realise how irritating i can be. well not always, but often. im told i can be increadibly sweet [due to my honesty i recken]..... sweet as in an "eels" way or a "ben folds five" way.
i see the human race and the society machine that its created and that i've been born into, but i cant see myself playing a roll in it. im not just another ant working for the colony, im more than that. im going to walk on out of here by myself be a lonely ant, but be strong in who i am..... although when i think about it, im unsure if i'll ever get around to doing it, and if i do, i'll probably be let down and just go back home.
if i do become a part of the colony, i want to be a primary school teacher. a lot of people think i'll be good at it, and have said so for years. kim gave me the reasons: a) i love kids... b) im good with kids... c) i have a lot inside of me that i can pass on... d) im not immature, but i have a childlike spirit that would make me perfect to work with kids.
im hoping melbourne uni will be understanding and let me into their education course next year, otherwise i'll have to go back and do year 12 English again.
so that is [a part of] me put to words.... as you can probably tell i dont want to be normal, but sometimes i do.
with the bad parts of me come the good, but as i often dont like to see things as "good" or "bad", i see myself as just in there somewhere, floating in shades of grey, not knowing which way to go.