Chapter One
<><><><><><>
 

The young man, sitting alone in the booth, sighed and shook his head.  He seemed to do that often these days.  His eyes had a vacant, weary look as his fingers absentmindedly played with the tight curls on the back of his neck.  He watched the people around him disinterestedly. His calm exterior belied the emotional roller coaster going on in his head.  Nothing he'd been through in his first 20 years on this planet had prepared him for the things he was now going through on a daily basis.

The music was way too loud in the small club but that hadn't stopped his four friends from scattering the minute they'd walked through the door.  Normally, he would have joined them, chatting up the girls, dancing and mingling, but not tonight.  He just wanted to be alone and wondered why he'd even come.  He didn't get much time alone these days.  Being alone was the only way he could sort through his crazy life, which just kept accelerating like a speeding train screaming down the tracks.

He and his friends had been running full steam for almost five years, first touring Europe, and now, concentrating mostly on the good old USA.  It was a wild life.  It was too much to wrap his head around most of the time, so he would just keep pressing on, doing what he loved to do.  All the other stuff that came with his life, he just dealt with as it happened.  Thinking about it only made him crazy and anxious.  He smirked as he watched his friend, Joey, out on the dance floor, dancing like a madman. That guy never seemed to lose his ability to just have fun, no matter how tired he was.  And they were all tired, bone tired.

The young man's eyes scanned the room, taking it all in.  He knew he wasn't really dressed for a night out as he looked at his choice of attire.  When his friends had arrived to pick him up, he had thrown on the first thing he could find...a pair of jeans and his infamous baby blue North Carolina Tarheels sweater.  It didn't seem to matter how badly he felt or thought he looked.  It didn't stop the scrutiny he'd been given since he walked in the door.  All night, women had been dropping by his table to talk or ask him to dance.  Most of them didn't hide the fact that they were more than willing to spend some time with him.  He was always flattered by the attention and normally would have joined in, but he wasn't in the mood tonight.  He talked to them politely and then declined their offers, flashing his famous smile, since that was what was expected of him.

All the attention was unbelievable.  He shook his head again as if trying to dislodge the thoughts that made him dizzy.  He'd had a lot of offers from a lot of women in the last few years, but for some reason, it was hitting him like a two by four to the forehead tonight.  Was this really his life?

On nights like this, he just felt like a piece of meat.  On nights like this, he felt like he was a spider in a jar.  On nights like this, he felt like a caged rat.  On nights like this, he wondered why he continued to allow this to go on.  His life wasn't his anymore.  It seemed to belong to the world and everyone was demanding a slice of his soul.  The media didn't care that he was only 20 years old.  He was one-fifth of the biggest pop group in the world and everything he did, said, sang, wore or felt, was public domain.  He'd been living like this for almost six years.

His life had never been normal, but he still felt like a normal guy just trying to make his way through life.  Ok, maybe his life was like a dream factory, covered with glitter.  Maybe he did have people all over the world that watched him intensely and hung on his every word.  All he knew was that he had a burning in his soul that propelled him forward.  He had a God-given talent and the drive needed to make his dream come true.  His dream just happened to have a lot of people attached to it.

"The Dream" is what drove his life these days.  He'd been chasing "The Dream" so long and so hard, that he rarely had time to think about the status of it.  But sitting there alone tonight, it was finally sinking in to his brain.  "The Dream" was now a reality.

He was staring at the lines in his palm, tracing them mindlessly, deep in his thoughts.  Through the rumble in his brain and the loud music, he slowly became aware of someone standing beside him.  He looked up and met his friend's concerned stare.

"What's up with you tonight, man?" JC screamed over the music.

The young man looked at JC with heavy eyelids, shook his head, and yawned.  JC watched him intently as he went back to studying the lines in his palm.  JC shrugged and returned to the dance floor.

JC observed his younger friend from the dance floor.  He'd watched Justin Timberlake grow from a gangly, friendly, energetic teenager into an equally gangly, paranoid, weary, young man.  Justin hadn't been himself for weeks.  JC had lived like sardines with his four friends for the last five years and it didn't take a brain surgeon to know what was going on in his young friend's head.  Justin had always been introspective and tonight was obviously no exception.  Another thing JC knew was that the world sometimes misunderstood Justin's standoff-ish manner and were quick to call him arrogant, conceited or unapproachable.  The world wanted *NSYNC's cute, charming Boy Wonder, all the time but that person was making appearances only rarely these days.  In his place, they got this Justin, lacking his trademark easy smiles and laughter.  He seemed to be fresh out of all of that lately. JC knew Justin wrestled with their fame.  In many ways, Justin had skipped his childhood, and was now mourning the loss.

Justin's table was in a darker part of the club.  As he watched the bright lights flashing and the people dancing, he realized "The Dream" had a huge price tag.  He and his band mates were exhausted, that's true, but the disillusionment was the killer.  Being hunted by the parasites of the media and the music business tended to do that to the innocents.

Justin, Joey, Chris, Lance and JC were so excited and energetic when they started the group, *NSYNC, that it was relatively easy to do all the promotional appearances, award shows, concerts and Meet & Greets, but after five years, they were tired.  The frenzied pace, homesickness and scrutiny wore on them all and Justin felt like a jaded celebrity.  He wasn't even 21 years old.

1999 had been a huge year for *NSYNC.  They had released their first album in America the previous year and watched it go on to sell 10 million copies.  But nothing had prepared them for "No Strings Attached".  They had fought so hard to release "No Strings Attached", their third album.  They had poured all their blood, sweat and tears into every track, just trying to prove to the world that they had a right to be *NSYNC.  The end of 1999 brought a nasty court battle with their former management and record company.  Their name was at stake, as was the future of the group, which only served to make them even more hungry and desperate to chase "The Dream".

With all the legal problems behind them, they were allowed to release their album.  What happened next brought them a certain amount of vindication.  The world watched as they broke all records for albums sold in one day and in one week.  Their concert tour sold one million tickets the first day.  They had shocked a few people.  They still had the "boyband" label but it wasn't being used as much.  Surprisingly, to many in the industry, they were being seen as just *NSYNC now, for which they were grateful.  They worked harder than ever.  They wanted to live up to the confidence their fans had showed that week in March of 2000, when their album shattered all the records.

The year had been a whirlwind of promotions, concerts, TV and award show appearances, and photo and video shoots.  They were catapulted into the realm of "superstars" overnight, it seemed, based on all the albums flying off the shelves.  They had hosted the Billboard Awards in December, which they thought was the biggest honor of the year, only to be topped a little over one month later, by the Superbowl halftime show that was viewed by millions of people around the world.  They won a lot of awards, including being nominated for three Grammys.  It was a banner year in his professional career all made possible by the *NSYNC fans and a lot of dedication, ambition and hard work.

Justin grinned as he remembered some of the fans he'd met and looked out upon over the year.  Their energy at the concerts and Meet & Greets gave *NSYNC all the motivation they needed.  Justin did love the fans, even though he knew he didn't always show it very well.  What many didn't know though, was how much time he and his band mates spent thinking about the fans and what they would like.  *NSYNC fans were devoted, crazy and louder than anything he had ever heard.  It was a heady experience to have 60,000 girls screaming your name and watching your every move, professing undying devotion to you for the rest of their lives.  Although he was confident in his talent and aware of his affect on women, he still didn't think he'd done anything especially outstanding to deserve all the adoration....yet.

His smile faded quickly when a girl, not more than 13 or 14 years old, stopped at his table in front of him.  Her curly blonde hair was in a ponytail and she had braces on her teeth.  She was smiling nervously and looking at him with that shy yet hopeful look he had seen countless times before.  It was endearing to him but, at the same time, the girls, and their expectations, had begun to flat out scare him.  Not knowing what to expect, he leaned back and smiled at her tentatively, while glancing around for a bodyguard, ANY bodyguard.  Her pretty face was covered with heavy makeup, heavier than needed for a 14 year old girl.  'How did jailbait like her get in here?' he wondered to himself.

The girl gave him a small wave and said something he couldn't hear over the pounding music.  He leaned forward, more over the table, closer to her and said, "What?"

She leaned forward a little more and said, "Hi Justin!  My name is Susanna and I love you so much!"

With that said, she giggled nervously and offered her hand to him.  She was trembling and he didn't see any reason to not trust her sincerity, so he shook her hand and said, "Pleased to meet you, Susanna.  That's a pretty name."

He could feel her hand shaking as he touched her so he leaned forward again and said calmly, "It's ok, just relax," squeezing her hand a little.

As he looked at her face, he noticed that she had tears on her cheeks and she had a look that told him she was slowly losing her composure.  He knew from previous experience that what followed this would probably be one of two things (or maybe both).  She would faint, and he'd have to try to catch her, or she'd lose control and do God-knows-what.  The "God-knows-what" scared the hell out of Justin.

He anxiously noticed that his bodyguard still hadn't returned from the restroom and everyone else that may have been concerned was on the dance floor or at the bar.  So she wouldn't fall down, he motioned for her to sit down on the seat to the right of him, which she fell into gratefully.  Still wary of what she was going to do, he asked if she was ok.  'Man, I can't believe you are afraid of a 14 year old girl!' he thought to himself.

Susanna looked at him with a dreamy expression and cautiously asked him to autograph the Teen People magazine she clutched tightly in her hands.  He nodded, smiling at her, and said, "Sure, but you have to let go of it first."

She embarrassedly handed him the magazine and watched him sign it.  As he was signing it, he could feel her eyes boring into the top of his head.  Before he could look up again, he felt fingers running through the curls above his right ear.  He slowly glanced at the girl to his right as she continued to softly play with his blond curls.  She had a far away look in her eyes as she did so.  He abruptly sat up, out of her reach, and handed her the magazine, saying, "There ya go, Susanna. Thanks!"

His blue eyes had gone cloudy, though he kept smiling.  It was always amazing to him that because he was in the public eye, people felt that gave them the right to say and do whatever they felt like at the moment.  Susanna's touch hadn't been requested and even though it was very innocent, Justin couldn't help but feel exposed.  She jerked her hand back as if she was burned, seeming to notice his mood shift.  She looked like she was going to start crying as she self-consciously squeaked out, "I'm sorry, Justin".

He hated the sad, disappointed looks he got at times, so before she could run away, feeling rejected, he shrugged his shoulders and gave her a smile, saying, "Don't worry about it."  She smiled again and ran out the door.

He hadn't meant to make the girl feel bad, but at the same time, he couldn't control his feelings.  He had always known, since the day *NSYNC started hitting the big time, that his privacy was no longer a given.  Although he knew this, it didn't make it easy to be the object of millions of girls' teen dreams.  He loved the fans, but as each day went by, he was feeling more and more like they wanted more from him than he had to give.

As if on cue, JC walked up again and plunked down in the seat Susanna had just vacated.  He looked hard at Justin, who was still looking intensely toward the door the girl had just run through.  JC had seen this look one thousand times before.  JC said, "What's wrong?"

Justin, blinked a few times, and looked at JC with tired eyes, yelling over the music, "Oh, the same old stuff.  I don't think I should even be here tonight.  I'm just not down with this."

JC knew that Justin had always had issues.  He had watched him deal with things few teenagers had to.  He had to grow up fast and even though Justin was the baby of the group, he could be the most mature at any given moment.  What many people didn't realize about Justin was that his personality was actually quieter than the one he projected on stage.  He was watchful; he watched everyone and everything intensely.

JC saw the world weary look in his friend's eyes tonight.  He reached up and slapped Justin on the shoulder in a brotherly manner and smiled at him.  "You are so deep, man!" JC teased.  "Is there something you want to talk about?"

Justin shook his head and slid out the other side of the booth.  He pointed towards the restrooms and waved at JC.  JC nodded and reflected on his fellow mouseketeer as Justin retreated towards the back.  JC had watched how things had changed over the last couple of years.  He remembered meeting Justin about 8 years before when he was seventeen and Justin was twelve.  They were both members of Disney's Mickey Mouse Club.

Justin was one of the most talented people JC had ever met.  It was Justin's mutual respect for JC's talent that got JC involved in the formation of *NSYNC in the first place.  From the first time *NSYNC toured, Justin was immediately very popular and this continued to the frenzied peak they were currently experiencing.  In the past year, Justin had been hounded to the ends of the earth by fans and the paparazzi.  Even the music industry clamored for more of him.  Many music executives felt that Justin had the star quality to make it even bigger than the five of them as a group did.  He was the media darling of the moment.  Internet and magazine polls repeatedly showed that Justin's popularity hadn't even begun to peak yet.

While JC had a lot of experience with obsessed fans, he knew Justin's situation was a little different, which he always found intriguing.  Simply put, many of Justin's fans were maniacs, and showed their devotion in bizarre and scary ways.

Melinda Bell, *NSYNC's manager of special projects, once tried to offer some insight to JC about the whole 'fan thing'.  JC had asked Melinda why it had all of a sudden blew up so big.  One minute, it seemed like Justin was just the kid of the group and everyone's little brother.  The next thing they knew, people were knocking on Justin's door with offers to do movies, write books, and collaborate with artists of all genres of music.  Melinda pointed out that, due to the popularity of their first album, their Christmas album and then 'No Strings Attached', the exposure demanded people's attention.  The fans noticed that Justin wasn't the same cute, blond boy that had always been a favorite.  He was growing up.  He had stage presence and an obvious talent for performing and everyone wanted a piece of him.

To cap it all off, Justin's image was all over the media due to speculation that he was dating Britney Spears.  JC had seen the same kind of thing happen to himself when the fans got wind of a girl he was involved with.  But for some reason that no one could quite understand, Justin's fans, once again, proved to be a different breed entirely.  Britney had already felt the young fans' wrath, during a concert on her birthday, last year.  Justin had talked her into joining them on stage.  JC knew it took a lot of courage on Britney's part, but she'd done it.  JC found it amusing because it was like Justin was bringing his girlfriend home to meet his family.  Justin didn't ask directly, but it was obvious to JC that he was asking for approval from the fans, in front of the fans, and held Britney's hand while doing so.  It was a strange thing to witness and in the end, some, but not all, of the fans joined them in singing "Happy Birthday" to Britney.  It was an enormous step to take and all of the guys and Britney breathed a sigh of relief when that night was over.  The fans were dealing with it, because they had to, but the constant stress it caused was sometimes just too much for Justin to deal with.

Back at the club, JC saw Justin trudging back to the table and watched him as plopped down across from JC.  He had the same pensive look he'd had for weeks.  Justin hadn't been there more than a minute, when he scrunched up his face and stood up.  He walked up and leaned over, saying, "C, I think I'm going to head home.  I'm not the best company right now."

JC said, "Sure, kiddo.  I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early, at the studio.  Don't be late!"

Justin slapped JC on the back as he walked passed him.  JC turned to see Justin's bodyguard, Mike, fall in line as they walked out the door.  He felt someone approach from behind and turned to see Lance standing there with a serious expression.  "What's up with Justin?" Lance asked.

JC smiled at Lance and said, "Same old thing, Lance.  Maybe he just needs to talk to Britney."

Deep down, JC knew that it was a lot more than that, but would wait to hear it from Justin before he brought it up to anyone.

The rain poured down as Justin climbed into the limousine and Mike slammed the door.  He closed his eyes to the racket and massaged his temples slowly with his fingers.  His head was pounding from the loud noise in the club.  His thoughts were full of Britney and all he wanted was to hear her voice, preferably whispering in his ear, but at this point, he'd take her long distance.

He and Britney Spears had kept their relationship a secret for a long time before they finally admitted it publicly.  The media had always speculated that there was more going on than friendship.  They'd known each other for years, having met on the Mickey Mouse Club, and had always been good friends.  Things with Justin and Britney began to heat up right before *NSYNC left their record company and management in 1999.  Lou Pearlman, *NSYNC's former manager and financial backer, had filed a $150 million dollar lawsuit against *NSYNC.  They filed a counter suit and things continued to get ugly.  Lou's betrayal affected Justin deeply and he had needed all the love and support available.  Britney had stepped up to the plate and had been there for him through the whole ordeal.

Due to pressure from their new record label, Jive Records, and because Britney wanted a little privacy, they had made the decision to keep the extent of their relationship secret.  This decision made their attempts to be together even more difficult.  They couldn't be seen in public paying each other any more attention than normal friends would.  They couldn't go anywhere together or sit next to each other in public.  They couldn't go out to eat or take a walk together.  They had agreed to try it for a while but inevitably, people started noticing their closeness even while they were keeping the rules they'd laid down.  It was too obvious.  Justin was head over heels for Britney and he hated pretending she wasn't special to him.  Britney adored Justin and always had.  He showed up for her 18th birthday party in December 1999 and when a photographer caught them dancing closely, their cover was blown out of the water.  That sent the media hype through the roof and it continued to this day.

With the increased interest in their love lives, Britney had finally started talking about Justin in public.  He hadn't mentioned her at all, always waiting and always dodging the questions or outright lying.  He didn't like lying, but he also wanted a little privacy, to give their relationship time to develop.  Finally, in November 2000, he admitted in his most public fashion yet, that he and Britney were dating.  With that admission, their world got even crazier.

Managing time together had always been tricky but now, with their simultaneous red-hot careers, they hardly saw each other.  If they were in public together, which they tried to do from time to time, they were hounded by the press and fans so hard that it wasn't even worth going out in public anymore.  So that is what telling the truth had gotten him....a whole lot of headaches.  He wanted nothing more than to go back to sneaking around with Britney and lying about it.

As he slumped back into the cushions of the limo, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Britney's number.  She had gone to Sweden to work on her new album, while *NSYNC was doing the same in Orlando.  She'd been gone for weeks and had he not been needed in the studio, he would have caught the next flight out to be with her.  She didn't answer her phone so Justin left her a message.

"Hey babe, it's just me.  I miss you."  He threw the phone on the seat and sighed.

As the limo pulled into his driveway, Justin anxiously scanned the area by the gate for signs of fans that had been known to camp out there. 'No girls tonight', Justin thought.  He was always worried that they'd learn how to scale his fence, though it had never actually happened.  These images haunted his dreams anyway.  There was a first time for everything.

As soon as the car stopped, and Mike gave him the clear sign, Justin was up and out, jogging towards the front door of his home.  "Goodnight Mike!  Thanks a lot!" he yelled back at his bodyguard.

"Goodnight Justin.  YOU get some REST, you hear me?!" Mike yelled back, as he got in his own car to leave.  The limo backed out to return to the club for the other guys to use.

Justin walked into his house and leaned against the door to shut it.  He turned to lock it before walking to the sofa where he laid down and closed his eyes.  He chastised himself for being such party pooper.  He wasn't sleeping well lately either, which didn't help his mood.  He laid there for a few moments, lost in thoughts that pummeled his brain night and day.  All he knew was that he needed something or someone and no one was around.  If he were a drinker, he would have had a few shots.  If it weren't raining, he would have shot some hoops in his driveway.  If Britney was around, he would have been lying in her arms, smelling her perfume and kissing her.  At that thought, he loudly groaned and crawled off the couch.  As he walked down the hallway, he began stripping his clothes off.  First the jacket, then the shirt came peeling off.  They were discarded as he walked.

Working out had always given Justin something to do during the long tours that kept him away from his home and family.  Not only did it keep him in shape for the grueling hours on stage and traveling, it was therapy.  It was familiar.  It served a double purpose.  He worked through his problems in his head while working the kinks out of his body.

He felt the cold leather of the workout bench as he lay down and began to pump the weights up and down.  He lost himself in the repetition and feel of his muscles as they worked.  The way he looked didn't just happen magically, as the fans may have thought.  He'd always worked out to relieve tension, but the added benefit was the reaction he got from women.  He knew he was doing something right when women, young and old alike, screamed their approval on almost a daily basis.

After sweating and straining for close to an hour, Justin wandered into his bedroom.  This was another benefit of working out.  It helped him sleep.  At least, that was his hope, every, single, lonely night.  Tonight, he didn't even pull the covers back.  He just dropped down on his bed and was asleep before his head hit the pillow.