(Shakespeare eat your heart out!)

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The Naked Gun

Main Cast:

James Blond - accidental hero
Chief - head police officer
Lord Berg - accident-prone police officer
Bill Clinton - US President-elect
Al Gore - Vice President
Cook - in cahoots with Al Gore

Setting:

It is the year 1994. Bill Clinton has just won the election and he is having a party at the Whitehouse.

Scene One:

Clinton: Thank-you, thank-you. Fellow Americans, I am extremely honoured to be the new President of the United States. I pledge to remove the homeless people off the streets, increase funding for rescuing our lost space travellers and increase funding for saxophone lessons. I will automatically introduce the Arkansas Saxophones into the NBA, and I will personally convince Michael Jordan out of retirement to play for the Saxophones. I will also abolish all current taxes and I will introduce the new "Clinton Tax". I'd like to thank all those people who voted for me, my wife, Hillary, my adoring children and my colleagues who supported me throughout this campaign so I'd like to propose a toast for them. Cheers! (Chokes) Just kidding! (Chokes to death)

Gore: Are you alright Bill? Speak to me, speak to me! Somebody call the ambulance!

Chief: Operator, Operator, what's the number for 911?

(Cook and Gore get together)

Cook: Great job or what, Boss?

Gore: Terrific.

Scene Two:

Chief: Hello, is this M15 British Intelligence? Give me the best agent you've got.

Blond: Hello, I'm Blond, James Blond Agent 711. How can I help you?

Chief: Our newly elected president Bill Clinton has been assassinated and we believe that Bill was poisoned. Can you come here and help solve the crime as soon as possible?

Blond: Just a minute while I finish my assignment (Toilet sound effects) Ahhh…

Cook: They're getting Blonde, Boss.

Gore: Don't worry, you cut him off at the airport.

Scene Three:

Blond: Hi, my name's Blond, James Blond Agent 711.

(Cook walks away)

Blond: …Hey, where are you going?

Lord: Hi, are you Blond?

Blond: Yes, I'm Blond, James Blond Agent 711.

Lord: Follow me and I'll take you to the scene of the crime.

(Cook shoots at Blond but misses and shoots Lord Berg)

Scene Four:

Blond: Chief, it's me Blond. I'm ready.

Cook: Sorry, no speakade Englishe.

(Cook swings his arm to hit Blond but Blond drops something and ducks and Cook gets Lord Berg)

Chief: Blond, I'm over here.

(Blond walks to Chief)

Blond: Hmmm…

Chief: What is it Blond? Do you have any clues?

Blond: No clues yet, but look at that brunette over there with nice, long, tanned legs, and look at the size of those nice, juicy melons.

(Woman walks in carrying melons)

Woman: Melons, get your melons.

Scene Five:

Blond: I'm hungry Chief, I'll go and get a bite.

(Blond walks to the kitchen. He walks around looking for food when he hits his head on an open cupboard and looses his contacts.)

Blond: Damn! I've lost my contacts and now I can't see.

(Blond bobs down and starts looking for his contacts. He accidentally picks up a marble and his other contact. He puts the marble in one eye and the contact in the other. He opens his eye and sees that on eye had a marble.)

Blond: Whoops! I put a marble in my eye. Oh, there's the other contact.

(Blond puts the other one in his eye, then he starts hearing Al Gore talking to someone on the telephone)

Cook: How did my poison go?

Gore: Speak louder, I can't hear you!

Cook: (Speaking louder) I said, how did my poison go?

Gore: What did you say? I can't hear you. Maybe you've got the telephone the wrong way round.

(Al Gore looks at himself in the mirror and realises that he has the phone the wrong way round)

Gore: Yes, the poison went as planned.

Cook: (Speaking even louder) Do they suspect anything?

Gore: No need to speak so loudly, and no they don't suspect anything.

Cook: So when do I get my dough?

Gore: Come over tomorrow at my house and I'll give you your reward money.

(He walks away into another room)

Blond: (Fixing his contacts) Ah ha! Now I suspect something, Chief.

Chief: What? Do you think you've found some vital clues which will lead us to the murderer?

Blond: No, I think the food is in the fridge.

Chief: So what's all that racket about that ransom money?

Blond: Oh, is that what it was. Then we'd better go to the Vice President's house at 9am sharp.

Scene Six:

Cook: So where's my dough?

Gore: Just a mom…

(Blond jumps through the window with Chief)

Chief: Stop Al, I heard you on the phone last night and I know you're up to something.

Gore: What, are you saying that I, Al Gore killed Bill Clinton?

Blond: Hey, that's a great idea. How come I'd never thought of that?

Chief: Because you're stupid, you idiot. I don't know why I hired you in the first place.

Blond: Look Buddy, I'm only trying to make the audience laugh, alright?

Gore: (Pulls out a gun) It's the end of the road for you guys.

(Lord Berg runs in front of Blond and Chief with a miniature gun)

Lord: Freeze! Put your guns down or I will blast you guys away!

Cook: (Drops his gun in a instant) Don't shout, don't shout. I'm innocent. Hang on a second, who wrote these lines?

(Everyone looks at Blond)

Cook: Now, as I was saying, don't shoot, don't shoot. I'm innocent.

Gore: Pick it up you stupid idiot. He's only got a small gun. Shoot him!

(Cook shoots Lord Berg with machine gun)

(Lord Berg wonders around after being shot hold his wounds and screams)

Lord: Ouch! Ouch!

(Lord Berg stumbles on a marble and falls out of a window)

Gore: That was a forty-four floor drop.

Blond: (Pulls out a gun) Freeze!

Gore: Look Blond, the odds of guns are two to one against you.

Blond: Ha! Is that what you think. This house is surrounded by at least 100 policemen.

Gore: Somehow I don't think so.

Blond: Would you believe twenty policemen and five SWAT teams?

Gore: Nope.

Blond: Would you believe a dozen boy scouts?

Gore: Uh uh. If I see you move a hair while me and the Cook escape, I'll blow the both of you away, OK?

Blond/Chief: OK, OK, we promise.

Scene Seven:

Blond: Look out for the…

Lord: …Pole!

(Lord Berg bumps into a pole. He runs after Blond and Chief.)

(After a while of driving, Vice and Cook pull up into a factory, run in and hide. Lord Berg, Blond and Chief also pulls in and chase Al Gore and Cook.)

Lord: Look, there they are. Let's run after them and arrest them.

(Lord Berg falls over a stack of boxes and finds a big pump action gun)

Lord: Whoa! What a gun!

(Lord Berg picks it up and follows Blond and Chief. He shows them the gun and Chief and Blond try to get if off Lord. They struggle…)

Chief: Stop! Stop! We've got to think of a better idea. I know, we'll play Black or White.

(Blond wins)

(Vice and Cook start shooting at them and they all run to a heap of boxes. The distance between them is only two metres. They all start shooting.)

(Lord Berg falls over and fires a bullet. Everyone looks at the bullet as it ricochets back to Lord.)

Lord: Yeeeeeoooooaaaaahhhhh!

Chief: Don't tell me you've been shot again.

Blond: Yeah, but only this time he shot himself.

(They keep on shooting)

Blond: Your mother wears cheap pantyhose!

Gore: Nobody says that about my mum.

(Al Gore gets up to shoot at Blond but Blond is already up and shoots Al Gore in the shoulder)

Chief: Good shot, Blond.

(They handcuff them)

Scene Eight:

Chief: Thanks for the great work, Blond. We could never had found the murderers without you.

Blond: Gee, it was nothing. (Blond puts on makeup)

Chief: You're blushing, Blond.

Blond: (To the audience) I am not. Am I?

Scene Nine:

Blond: Thank-you, thank-you. I'm very honoured to be the new president. I promise to do, um..... (Pauses) whatever Bill said. Oh yes, I'd like to propose a toast to my Chief. Cheers! (Chokes)

Chief: Oh no! Not again!

Blond: Just kidding!