"These newsletters are starting to become nag sessions, where I bear all my grievances…" - Justin

For upcoming fixtures, past newsletters, our illustrious history and more…

Season 9 Record

Matches Played: 23
Matches Won: 11
Matches Lost: 9
Matches Drawn: 3
Goals For: 123
Goals Against: 93
Goal Difference: +30
Total Points: 36

Points System:
Win = 3 points
Draw = 1 point
Loss = 0 points

Overall Record

Matches Played: 164
Matches Won: 72
Matches Lost: 78
Matches Drawn: 14
Goals For: 645
Goals Against: 634
Goal Difference: +11

Season-by-Season

Final position at the end of each season:

1 (2002): Div 6 - Last
2 (2002): Div 7 - Third
3 (2003): Div 5 - Fourth
4 (2003): Div 5 - Second
5 (2004): Div 6 - Premiers
6 (2005): Div 5 - Third
7 (2005): Div 3 - Last
8 (2006): Div 4 - Premiers
9 (2006): Div 3 - Third

"Platinum Moccasin"

More prestigious than the seasonal "Golden Shoe" award, this honour is bestowed upon the player who has kicked the most number of goals in the brief, yet illustrious history of the All Hacks!

86 - Kheang
65 - Anisha
50 - Alan
47 - Moe
45 - Thanh
38 - Adrian
36 - Ajay
34 - Ara
31 - Maal
23 - David D.
18 - Jeff
17 - Sung
16 - Sophal
15 - Khar, "Default"
14 - Justin
12 - Masum
11 - Alain
10 - Daniel
9 - Francis
8 - Lek
7 - Yani
5 - Chi, Sam
3 - Peter, Shan
2 - Alex, Cooma, Gerald, Harinder, Tuan
1 - Abi, Amar, David, Edward, Ian, Justin A., Mak, Ngo, Ralph, Siwei, Soliman, Steve (II)

The "Dunce Cap"

Like the "baggy green" of the Australian cricket team, the All Hacks also have their own traditional head accessory, the "dunce cap".

Each cap is numbered to represent the order in which each individual has played for the All Hacks.

Where does your favourite player stand in the proud history of the All Hacks?

01 - Alain (0,26)
02 - Francis (0,32)
03 - Huy (0,3)
04 - Ian (0,12)
05 - Justin (21,156)
06 - Keong (0,43)
07 - Peter (0,43)
08 - Shaun (0,26)
09 - Sung (0,63)
10 - Adrian (6,100)
11 - Chi (0,11)
12 - Danny (0,19)
13 - Gerald (0,5)
14 - Justin (Scrub) (0,3)
15 - Simon (0,3)
16 - Nick (0,3)
17 - Shan (0,5)
18 - Alex (0,2)
19 - Alan (2,35)
20 - Rob (0,3)
21 - Jonathan (0,1)
22 - Masum (0,30)
23 - Marco (0,3)
24 - Thanh (19,136)
25 - Sam (0,4)
26 - Sandy (0,2)
27 - Siwei (0,1)
28 - Abhrajit (Abi) (0,16)
29 - Ajay (7,65)
30 - Mak (0,1)
31 - Fong (0,2)
32 - Kheang (15,79)
33 - Maal (6,48)
34 - Justin A. (5,32)
35 - Sophal (5,23)
36 - Tuan (1,2)
37 - Wai (0,3)
38 - Ara (2,32)
39 - Eric (0,1)
40 - John (0,2)
41 - Steven (0,1)
42 - Anisha (0,29)
43 - Pin (0,1)
44 - David (0,2)
45 - Patrick (0,1)
46 - Lek (1,12)
47 - Kin (0,4)
48 - Steve (0,1)
49 - Ngo (0,2)
50 - David X. (0,1)
51 - Mov (1,5)
52 - Khar (2,16)
53 - Binny (0,1)
54 - Eric (II) (0,1)
55 - Jomini (0,2)
56 - Harinder (10,42)
57 - Ping (0,2)
58 - Rob (II) (0,2)
59 - Cooma (1,2)
60 - Moe (8,23)
61 - Daniel (3,6)
62 - Edward (1,2)
63 - Ben (0,1)
64 - Steve (II) (0,1)
65 - Danny (II) (0,1)
66 - Chester (0,1)
67 - Hubert (0,1)
68 - Nick (II) (0,1)
69 - Patrick (II) (0,1)
70 - Sunny (0,1)
71 - Ali (0,1)
72 - Aries (0,1)
73 - Eros (0,1)
74 - Poseidon (0,1)
75 - Soliman (0,1)
76 - Levent (0,1)
77 - Khai (0,3)
78 - John V. (0,1)
79 - Paul (0,1)
80 - Ashley (0,1)
81 - Javier (0,1)
82 - Jeff (3,7)
83 - David D. (9,9)
84 - Irah (4,4)
85 - Charles (1,1)
86 - Amar (1,1)
87 - Yani (3,3)
88 - Ralph (1,1)

Our Sister Club?

They've won only six games in three years, are lucky if 100 people turn up to watch the team's weekly trials, while the players earn the princely sum of £20 ($49) each.

Welcome to East Stirling FC - Britain's worst professional soccer team.

In 21 matches this season, the club, based in Falkirk, Scotland, has won only twice, clinched 12 points, and found the net 19 times while leaking 52 goals at the other end.

Last season, it finished bottom of the table, winning just twice in 33 games - a return of eight points out of a possible 108. The previous campaign was equally discouraging; bottom place again, winning two games and 13 points.

Formed in November 1881, when the Bainsford Bluebonnets cricket team decided to form the Bainsford Britannia football team, East Stirling was adopted as its name. The club's moment of glory came seven years later, in 1888, when it reached the quarter-finals of the Scottish Cup, only to lose to Celtic. Since then it has been largely downhill.

"We do our duty stoically," said Ian Ramsay, the head of the supporters' club. "The season was quite painful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We are not competing. This cannot continue. A hundred people - that's what we are down to for home games. After two seasons of pure crap, I'm amazed we've still got 100 fans," Ramsay told The Scotsman newspaper.

Things were not helped when the club decided to slash wages by £10 ($24) a week from an already humble £30 ($72).

Despite its woeful form, East Stirling survives partly because there is no automatic relegation from the Scottish third division.

But there are signs the powers-that-be are becoming exhausted with the constant humiliations and are pondering introducing enforced re-election for any team that finishes bottom of the third division for two successive seasons.

Chairman Alan Mackin said the team's record was caused partly by running the club within its means. "We are the only team in Scotland that has faced the facts and tried to live within our means," he said. "We are the only team that's had the guts."

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All Hacks FC

Season Winter/Spring 2006

Welcome to our ninth season of Indoor Soccer. Following last season's (i.e. last week's) memorable triumph, the All Hacks will no doubt face a challenging task to motivate ourselves again for a 5 month campaign for another tilt at the premiership. However, as in all things football, "we'll take it one week at a time..." Unfortunately, it seemed that we had suffered a premiership hangover even before the new season had kicked-off, with only 3 of our 9 Grand Final squad members available for the first round of the new season. Absent for a whole myriad of reasons, our players quickly abandoned the All Hacks just like how potential suitors, television viewers, and ultimately Channel Ten stood up Yasmin's Getting Married at the altar.

Squad: Adrian, Cooma, David D., Justin (GK), Justin A., Maal, Thanh

Adrian returned to the All Hacks with greater enthusiasm than ever. Despite being an integral part of most of our previous tormenting, unsuccessful campaigns, Adrian's self-imposed exile last season had reduced him to being an envious onlooker from the sidelines as the All Hacks achieved the extraordinary, all without his services. Thus, it was no wonder that Adrian was fuelled with a burning hunger to share in our recent glory. Justin A. also returned and recruited his friend, David from Hoppers Crossing, who brought a wealth of indoor soccer experience and survival skills from the wild, wild, West. Finally, after a break of over two seasons, Cooma notched up his second match for the All Hacks.

Fortunately, the All Hacks faced a team making their debut in the tournament, and as expected our opponents took some time to settle into the rhythm of amateur indoor soccer. In the opening minutes, David set the tone for the rest of the first half, after scoring a goal from a well-executed free kick. The All Hacks merrily rolled along, scoring goals at frequent intervals, and at half-time led 6-nil. Unfortunately, our only real blemish in the first half came from our poor penalty conversions (and this time we didn't have Kheang to blame!). In a moment of pure self-indulgence, and in one of his rare ventures outside the safe-haven of the goalkeeping zone, Justin stepped up to the spot but was unfortunately thwarted by his opposite number. Thankfully, Adrian restored some order and converted one of our four penalty attempts.

After conceding their seventh goal soon after the half-time break, in the second half our opponents underwent a strategic makeover and had manufactured a method to bypass our defensive structure, by lobbing the ball over our defence. Their clever tactic was executed with great success, as our opponents found unguarded players in attack and scored two goals to reduce the scoreline to 7-2. However, normal transmission resumed soon after as the All Hacks continued their gentle Sunday stroll, piling on the next three goals unanswered.

Overall, a brilliant start to the season, but before we congratulate ourselves on our awesome victory, it must be said that opposition teams with more match experience and poise in attack would have capitalised more on our minor deficiencies in defence. So, there's no room for complacency here! (Ok, I'll admit that I'm still a bit bitter about not keeping a clean sheet this match!)

3 - David D., Maal
2 - Cooma
1 - Adrian, Thanh

The now all-too-familiar All Hacks mid-year player exodus continued to ravage our club, as we were on the brink of forfeiting this round's match. Having an embarrassment of riches merely a few weeks ago, the All Hacks were decimated this week with an embarrassingly poor turnout. With only four players arriving to the match, the All Hacks desperately sought assistance from the league organisers to help us proposition anyone to fill our vacant position. After a few unsuccessful attempts (unbelievably people were turning down the once-in-a-lifetime offer of playing with the All Hacks!), the All Hacks successfully coerced/begged Edward to play.

Squad: Adrian, Edward, Justin (GK), Kheang, Thanh

Edward was no stranger to the All Hacks, as he had previously made a cameo appearance for the All Hacks two seasons ago in Justin's ill-fated 100th match. In returning for an encore performance, Edward comfortably slotted right into the All Hacks' chaotic style of play, as if he had been with the All Hacks for over 100 matches. In a rather sloppy first half, our opponents held most of the possession but fortunately failed to co-ordinate a play that threatened our defence. Meanwhile, purposeful passing from the All Hacks in the first half stretched Zos' defence to the limit, culminating with Adrian accelerating from midfield and drilling the ball past the opposition goalkeeper and into the right corner of the goal.

With no substitutes to rely upon, preservation of our narrow lead and our depleting energy stores were the All Hacks' main focus in the second half. Each player rotated roles and responsibility in defence and attack (except Justin, who was happy to bark orders from the comfort of the goalkeeping zone), and the All Hacks continued to maintain the upper hand over our opponents. Edward made the most of his freebie match and scored our second goal, however our many awkward attempts to finish in front of goal kept Zos in the contest. When our opponents scored from a very tight angle in the left corner of the field, despite all our dominance, the All Hacks were only one goal ahead with just under 8 minutes left. Fortunately, the All Hacks found their second wind, and replied immediately with a string of passes that surgically dissected Zos' defence apart, ending with Kheang tapping ball into the open goal. A penalty converted by Kheang in the final minutes of the match sealed a gripping, triumph-over-adversity victory for the All Hacks.

Despite our apparently brilliant start the season, the All Hacks face stronger opposition in the next few rounds, so please make a conscious effort to play! Our player shortage has resulted in the club going into financial debt only two rounds into the season, so to raise revenue we'll create an "interactive" television game show airing late at night to target insomniacs, drunks, and the unemployed. Called The-Up-Late-Midnight-Quiz-Zoo-Mania-Game-Show, the vacuous hosts talk endless inane drivel to themselves for hours whilst taking only one call once every blue moon to give duped contestants the remote opportunity to win a measly sum of cash, all for the cost of one phone call. It's such a lowbrow concept, which appeals to the lowest common denominator ... that it's guaranteed to be a success! Late-night television, once my loyal companion, what have you now become?!?!?!

3 - David D., Maal
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Kheang
1 - Edward, Thanh

Firstly, some housekeeping issues. The league has been restructured this season so that there are 16 teams in contention for only 16 finals spots... just like playing "musical chairs" where there is enough seats for everyone when the music stops. The top four teams at the end of the season play off for the Division 1 title, the next four teams play off for the Division 2 title, and so on. After two rounds, following our terrific start to the season, the All Hacks are currently league leaders, and can unashamedly claim that we are (temporarily) on top of Division 1!!!

Squad: Harinder, Justin (GK), Khar, Kheang, Thanh

Once again, the All Hacks barely managed to field a full side, playing without substitutions for the second week in a row. Fortunately, our opponents were also in the same predicament, with only three of their regular team members arriving on time. Yemazel imported some ring-ins from Africa to complete their side, who played with a lot of flare and vitality around the field, but little in discipline and accountability in defence.

In a contrast of playing styles, the All Hacks set up their attacking forays with creative passes around the field, whilst Yemazel relied on their strikers to hold their position in attack, then attempt to barge their way in reverse through our defence. After a wonderful series of passes ended with Khar striking the first goal of the match, the All Hacks relinquished their early lead, and midway through the first half, conceded another goal to trail 2-1. Thanh scored the equaliser minutes later, after tricking his opponent into running in the wrong direction, and found himself unopposed in front of goal.

With the removal of pseudoephedrine from the WADA Prohibited Substances List, Justin was legally dosed up on cold and 'flu tablets, and had a brief spell on the field. In a moment freakishly reminiscent of Harry Kewell's goal in the World Cup match against Croatia, Khar split two opponents by lofting the ball into the path of Justin, who with unseasoned composure, cleanly struck the hovering ball past the goalkeeper with a controlled roundhouse kick. After only just a few more plays, Justin was totally spent and faded back to his goalkeeping duties, but the rest of the team lifted and built on our rising momentum, with goals to Kheang and Khar giving the All Hacks a 5-3 lead at half-time.

Despite making a plethora of positional changes during the second half, our opponents couldn't find their right on-field combination, as the All Hacks continued to slice their defence apart with precision passing that freed up our players in attack. Kheang and Khar added to their goal tally in the second half, which included a superb strike from Khar who ran at full speed towards the goal while being closely guarded by an opponent. Harinder capped the match off in style with a teasing strike in front of goal that induced Yemazel's goalkeeper into a state of indecision, and in the end the ball nutmegged our opponents' goalkeeper. Amazingly, in an All Hacks first, every player in the squad line-up scored in the match!

4 - Khar, Kheang
3 - David D., Maal
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Thanh
1 - Edward, Harinder, Justin

Inspired by Melbourne Victory's victorious victory against last season's premiership victors, Sydney FC, in front of a record crowd for an A-League match, the All Hacks were keen to emulate our heroes on the field (except Brazilian import Alessandro's flashy but futile stepover-cum-turnover manoeuvres), and maintain our top spot on the ladder. Ajay and Ara returned for their first match of the new season, while Tuan returned for his first match in five seasons.

Squad: Ajay, Ara, Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Thanh, Tuan

In a testosterone-fuelled start, the All Hacks conceded an early goal, however Maal scored an immediate equaliser after the opposition goalkeeper fumbled Maal's gentle strike into the back of his own goal. With a spoonful of amphetamines to make the anabolic steroids go down before the match, our opponents were extremely aggressive and verged on the abusive towards the All Hacks and at the referee. After committing one reckless tackle from behind too many, our opponents conceded a penalty in the last play of the first half, to which Ara stepped up to the spot and converted the penalty.

The relentless verbal abuse from our opponents clearly intimidated the referee, who hesitated in making rational decisions in the second half. Eventually, the referee suffered a mental breakdown, caved in under the verbal tirade from our opponents, which culminated in an appalling refereeing decision that rivalled Graham Poll's "three-yellow-card magic trick" in the Australia vs Croatia World Cup match. After Justin had made a desperate save to deflect the ball onto the goal post, the referee mistakenly believed that the ball had crossed through for a goal, rebounded off the inside post, then somehow defied the laws of physics to re-enter the field from an impossible angle. Unfortunately, the All Hacks failed to recover from such a diabolical error from the referee, squandering several opportunities to score late in the second half, and with that, ended our all-time record-equalling winning streak of 7 matches-in-a-row.

In the match post-mortem, despite the tournament organisers agreeing that we were dudded by an awful refereeing decision, they were powerless to intervene, as the referee's decision was final. To borrow a line out of context from Dawson's Creek, but delivered with the same evil-eye stare and malicious intent: "Just because I accept his decision, doesn't mean that I respect it..." - Jen Lindley, when she was jealous of Joey Potter, after finding out that Dawson Leery had chosen to be with Joey after ending his brief fling with Jen

4 - Khar, Kheang, Maal
3 - David D.
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Thanh
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin

During the past week, the AFL was heavily criticised by the NRL for deliberately scheduling a final at the MCG that directly clashed with Melbourne Storm's home final at Olympic Park, and were accused of further undermining rugby league's attempt to showcase its code of football and develop a fan-base in the traditional heartland of Aussie Rules. However, the same could be said of the NRL, who knew for more than one month in advance that the All Hacks also had a match scheduled on Sunday afternoon. Torn between representing the All Hacks or supporting the Storm, Kheang and Khar were given an ultimatum which would determine where their true allegiances and loyalties lied with... and as a result, the All Hacks had to quickly find replacement players. The moral of the story is: "Never stand in the way between a man and his footy team."

Squad: Adrian, David D., Irah, Justin (GK), Justin A., Thanh

Fortunately, David and Irah responded to the All Hacks' recruitment drive; David comfortably slotted back into his familiar role of roaming striker, while Irah, a seasoned indoor soccer veteran, made his debut for the All Hacks. Both teams took a while to settle into the match, however it was the All Hacks who scored the first goal, courtesy of a penalty converted by David, after the opposition goalkeeper was penalised for retrieving the ball outside his goalkeeping zone. The All Hacks struggled to keep possession of the ball for lengthy periods, and eventually M.C. Players took advantage of our turnovers and subsequent gaps in defence, and at half-time led 2-1.

After M.C. Players scored the first goal of the second half to extend the scoreline to 3-1, the All Hacks mounted a courageous comeback, which was kick-started by David sweetly converting another penalty, after the All Hacks had pressured our opponents' defence into making an illegal back-pass. David further displayed his Zen-like composure in front of goal, conjuring the next two goals by squeezing the ball past our opponents' defence with remarkable precision. Unfortunately, the All Hacks couldn't hang onto their lead, and with less than two minutes left, conceded a questionable penalty, which gave our opponents the equaliser. When the final whistle was blown, the match was levelled at 4-all.

But wait there's more... Rewind back to the start of the match, and our opponents had temporarily fielded a ring-in who wore a shirt that did not match the colour of the rest of his teammates. Retrospectively, M.C. Players were deducted one goal for that indiscretion, resulting in the All Hacks recording a 4-3 victory. After last round's refereeing debacle, it only deserved that some refereeing technicality finally went in our favour.

7 - David D.
4 - Khar, Kheang, Maal
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Thanh
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin

The All Hacks recruitment drive took on an international perspective this week, as we embarked on a global search for extra players. The All Hacks joined forces with Naomi Robson, her personal make-up staff, and the rest of the Today Tonight crew in a covert operation to import Wa-Wa from cannibal tribes in a remote Papuan village. Unfortunately, Indonesian authorities received an anonymous tip-off that thwarted our bid to recruit Wa-Wa. Instead, the All Hacks managed to obtain the correct visa that allowed Jeff to return for his first match of the season.

Squad: Ajay, Jeff, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Maal, Thanh

Jeff played a pivotal role in marshalling our defence, and during his fleeting moments in attack wreaked havoc on our opponents. Our designated dead-ball specialist for the match, Jeff scored the opening goal from a whirlwind free kick that whipped past our opponents' wall of players and their goalkeeper. With our opponents making undisciplined tackles and conceding an early penalty, Jeff stepped up to the penalty spot, however his attempt was saved by the opposition goalkeeper. Fortunately, the 'keeper parried the ball straight back to Jeff, who recomposed himself and made no mistake second time round. Maal arrived fashionably late to the match, but in his own words, "better late than never", and chimed in with a remarkable goal from the tightest of angles after he was tucked away deep in the right corner of the field.

Leading 3-nil at half-time, the All Hacks stretched their lead to 4 goals early in the second half, after another of Maal's tantalising strikes caused the opposition goalkeeper to fumble the ball back into his own net. The All Hacks shared the ball around and created many more scoring opportunities for each of their teammates whilst maintaining a solid defensive structure. Unfortunately, some inaccurate finishing prevented the All Hacks from going further in front.

Our opponents self-destructed under their own fit of rage, and followed the typical 4-step process of "soccer-rage", as they first physically remonstrated with their opponents, then moved on to verbally abusing the referee, then vented their frustrations on their own teammates, and finally cursed at themselves. In the end, the All Hacks didn't need to venture overseas to save a person from being devoured by his own tribe, as we were witnessing our opponents cannibalising themselves right in front of us. Ever the humanitarians, the All Hacks sacrificed Justin's clean sheet and conceded a goal in the final minute of the match to restore some state of civilisation back to our opponents.

7 - David D.
6 - Maal
4 - Khar, Kheang
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Jeff, Thanh
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin

The All Hacks discovered a secret formula that would transform our team into a successful and glamourous club, guaranteed to reap all the fortune and fame in the world: by rubbing between our toes organic cocoa butter with a cashmere glove. Unfortunately, after this round's performance, the purported miracle cure turned out to be just another snake oil remedy.

Squad: Adrian, Justin (GK), Khar, Kheang, Thanh

The All Hacks were stunned early in the first half, conceding the first three goals of the match in quick succession. In a physical encounter, both teams were already in foul trouble midway through the first half. Our over-zealous opponents continued to lay clumsy tackles that gave the All Hacks the opportunity to claw their way back into the match. Kheang calmly converted two penalties, and soon after brought up his hat-trick after the opposition goalkeeper spilt a catch while attempting to save Kheang's strike, with the ball finally ending up in the back of his own net. Unfortunately, the All Hacks couldn't resist giving away a penalty of our own, but at half-time, we were right back in contention, trailing 3-4.

In the second half, the All Hacks threw everything at our opponents, but our cocoa-buttered feet resulted in most of our shots being sprayed around the goal. Shots that were on target were miraculously saved by the opposition goalkeeper, who seemed to be always at the wrong place at the wrong time for the All Hacks. Unfortunately, after over-committing players in attack, a defensive error midway through the second half led to the All Hacks conceding a morale-shattering goal. Thanh tried valiantly to lift the All Hacks' spirits, but instead was lifted off the ground himself after a crunching tackle by an opponent launched him into orbit. After a few somersaults and twists with pike, Thanh crashed heavily back to ground zero. Thanh courageously battled on, and scored an inspiring goal after receiving a piercing pass from Kheang to narrow the margin back to one goal. Unfortunately, our opponents were more composed and clinical in attack, scoring one more goal at the death to finally end the All Hacks' gallant resistance, and with that, ended our 10-match undefeated streak.

7 - David D., Kheang
6 - Maal
4 - Khar
3 - Thanh
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Jeff
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin

After the All Hacks suffered our first defeat of the season last round, the wheels fell off our bandwagon, and as a result, most of our squad members hopped on to the next bandwagons that were gaining momentum. Kheang and Khar drove Molly Meldrum's Melbourne Storm Kombi van up to Sydney for the NRL Grand Final, while Ajay, Ara and Anisha switched bandwagons to follow Melbourne Victory's undefeated start to the A-League season. Meanwhile, the second-placed All Hacks faced a top-of-the-table clash against the current league leaders with a squad of players who missed their golden ticket to board a bandwagon that was heading as far away as possible from the weekly grind of indoor soccer.

Squad: Harinder, Irah, Jeff, Justin (GK), Justin A., Thanh

Despite fielding a new combination of players, the All Hacks quickly gelled as a unit on the field. The All Hacks took the early ascendancy, with Justin A. being in the thick of the action, threading the ball through our opposition's defence with a deadly cross from the left corner to Jeff, who finished off Justin A.'s brilliant pass to score the opening goal of the match. The All Hacks' defence held firm for most of the first half, but unfortunately, like a dog on heat, we couldn't resist the temptation of our opponents' legs, and consequently committed too many illegal tackles that resulted in penalties being needlessly conceded, gifting our opponents a 2-1 lead at half-time.

In the second half, the All Hacks carried the ball with more confidence, creating several great plays which deserved to be rewarded with goals, but unfortunately our finishing in front of goal deserted us at the wrong moment. The All Hacks failed to adjust to the whistle-happy nature of the referee, and were again in foul trouble throughout most of the second half. A brief lapse in concentration from our defence and yet another penalty conceded later, the All Hacks found themselves trailing 4-1. With five minutes left, and tired of retrieving the ball from the back of our net after successful penalty conversions from our opponents, Justin swapped positions with Harinder in a desperate roll-of-the-dice attempt to boost the team's waning resilience. The switch instantly brought upon a change of luck, and in the space of three minutes, the resurgent All Hacks reduced the margin to one goal, after Jeff converted a penalty and moments later tore through our opponents' defence to score his third goal of the match.

Meanwhile, as the All Hacks thrusted everyone forward in a bid to score the equaliser, at the other end, our defence was glaringly exposed. However, Harinder kept superbly virtually without any help from his teammates, and also denied our opponents a penalty goal with a great save. Unfortunately, in the final minutes, our opponents frustratingly iced the clock with dubious time-wasting tactics, and the All Hacks fell just short but were courageous in defeat.

7 - David D., Kheang
6 - Maal
5 - Jeff
4 - Khar
3 - Thanh
2 - Adrian, Cooma
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin

The All Hacks celebrated our milestone 150th match in front of a large crowd. No, we didn't hire a "rent-a-crowd", but instead, they were cheering for our opponents. Our opponents, A Familia, lived up to their moniker, with their extended entourage spanning three family generations on the field and in amongst their cheer squad.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Jeff, Justin (GK), Kheang, Thanh

The All Hacks were well-focused on ensuring that were to have a happy ending to our milestone match, and thus were a more determined unit than our opponents, who in dark contrast were very casual and lackadaisical in their approach to the encounter (no complaints here!). The All Hacks took full advantage of the loose defending from our opponents, with Jeff continuing his rich vein of goal-scoring form, notching up his hat-trick halfway through the first half. Our opponents' nightmarish first half performance was best summed up by a fortuitous goal to the All Hacks, arising after a pass from Jeff was intercepted by an opposition defender, who gently deflected the ball to his goalkeeper, but was embarrassingly mishandled into the back of his own goal. Kheang also capitalised on the extra freedom in attack, easily breaking through our opponents' defensive lines, and scored two goals in the remainder of the first half.

Aided by several selfless acts by their teammates, Jeff and Kheang turned on a majestic performance in the second half, with dazzling runs from defence to attack culminating in a goal spree from our potent two-pronged attack. After a relatively quiet day at the office, Justin's venture into the main field of play ended only in a feeble attempt to clear the ball in defence, allowing our opponents a consolation goal. Nevertheless, the All Hacks commemorated our milestone 150th match with a brilliant and comprehensive victory, and in the process eclipsed many previously long-standing All Hacks all-time records...

• Jeff's haul of 6 goals sets a new All Hacks record for the most number of goals scored by an individual in a match,
• our total of 11 goals is the highest number of goals ever scored by the All Hacks in a match, and
• our final winning margin of 10 goals is our greatest winning margin in all our 150 matches!

12 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
7 - David D.
6 - Maal
4 - Khar
3 - Thanh
2 - Adrian, Cooma
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin

Poised to receive his long overdue milestone 100th cap, the All Hacks had organised a star-studded full-strength line-up to ensure Adrian's milestone match would be celebrated without any hiccup. Unfortunately, our invitations went missing in the mail (either that, or the rest of the squad had abandoned the All Hacks), with even the man-of-the-moment, Adrian, failing to show up to the event organised in his honour.

Squad: Irah, Justin (GK), Kheang, Sophal, Thanh

Fortunately, Irah, our quintessential ICE ("in case of emergency - break glass") recruit, and Sophal, made a welcomed return to complete our thread-bare squad. After a sluggish start, where we conceded two goals in the opening minutes, the All Hacks gradually lifted their intensity throughout the rest of the first half. Several pin-point passes from Irah and Sophal along the edge of the goalkeeping zone sliced through our opponents defence, perfectly setting up Kheang with his two goals in the first half. After delicately taming an erratically bouncing ball, Thanh dribbled his way through a gap in attack to score a searing long-range goal. Trailing 4-3 at half-time, the All Hacks appeared to have clawed their way to be right back in the contest.

However, from an inspired first half, to an insipid second. Apart from Sophal's stylish goal late in the second half, the less said about our dismal second half performance the better. The All Hacks wearily battled on during the second half, but simply ran out of steam without any substitutions to rely on (conveniently ignoring the fact that our opponents also made no substitutions). Despite our best efforts, we were helpless to prevent an avalanche of goals scored by our opponents in the second half.

From scoring 11 goals one week, to conceding 11 goals the next. From chocolates to boiled lollies, indeed, a week is a long time in football...

14 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
7 - David D.
6 - Maal
4 - Khar, Thanh
2 - Adrian, Cooma
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Sophal

After failing a random drug test (for not ingesting enough alcohol) while on tour in Australia, Jeff was sent back to England covered in disgrace and as a result, will be out of the team indefinitely. With that sobering thought, we thank Jeff for all his invaluable services to the All Hacks - his massive contributions in defence, midfield and attack (practically everywhere) were pivotal to our premiership success last season. Jeff's rehabilitation will include returning to work at IBM, reacquainting himself with the traditional English pub, and leading the All Hacks' UK supporters group (currently one member only).

Squad: David D., Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Moe, Sophal, Thanh

After dropping out of the top four for the first time this season, the All Hacks re-drafted David and Moe, on loan from Melbourne Victory (well, from their membership fan base at least) to bolster our line-up. The All Hacks were very slow off the blocks, as our fleet-footed opponents bolted away to a 2-nil lead early in the first half. The All Hacks regathered their bearings, with Thanh and Moe showing great composure and control in front of goal to score and level proceedings midway through the first half. Unfortunately, the All Hacks couldn't sustain their momentum, turning over possession in crucial areas on the field, thus exposing our frailties in defence to our opposition who piled on the next three goals in quick succession. David converted a penalty late in the first half to keep the All Hacks in the contest heading into half-time.

In the second half, the All Hacks lifted their intensity, and effectively shut down most of the supply to our opponents' main striker. After another penalty converted by David, and a wonderful passage of play involving intuitive flick passes from Sophal and David leading to a brilliant goal from Moe, the All Hacks were again back on level terms. Unfortunately, the All Hacks never had their noses in front at anytime of the match. In the latter stages of the second half, our opponents twice edged in front after Justin was nutmegged twice, with the ball slipping through his outstretched legs on both occasions for a goal - another case of "shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice". However, the All Hacks dug deep and found that little bit extra each time to score the equaliser. In the final enthralling minutes, with the All Hacks tiring after mounting their spirited comeback, Harinder's strong challenges in defence denied our opponents a clear shot on goal, and we held on for a hard-fought draw.

14 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
10 - David D.
6 - Maal
5 - Thanh
4 - Khar
3 - Moe
2 - Adrian, Cooma
1 - Ara, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Sophal

Like a condemned criminal on death row praying for a miracle stay of execution, and after having exhausted every appeals process to delay the inevitable, time had finally expired for Adrian, who was summoned by the All Hacks Inquisition to walk the green field for the very last time... before handing in his 1000th dollar to register his 100th match for the All Hacks!

Squad: Adrian, Ajay, Ara, Harinder, Irah, Justin (GK), Thanh

Having slumped to seventh on the indoor soccer charts with a bullet in the wrong direction, the All Hacks recalled Ajay and Ara to the side in an attempt to halt our free-fall slide down the ladder and also minimise the severity of our anticipated loss in Adrian's milestone match. However, the All Hacks defied the pre-destined script early on in the first half, with Ara scoring the first two goals of the match, the second coming from a penalty after Irah had cleverly harassed our opponents into making an illegal back-pass. Unfortunately, our strength in committing players forward to set up shots on goal was simultaneously also our greatest weakness, with our style of play gradually becoming unravelled throughout the remainder of the match. The All Hacks were caught out on the counter-attack with quick, long passes from our opposition that repeatedly isolated their deadly accurate strikers in front of goal. After leading 2-nil, the All Hacks conceded the next four goals on either side of the half-time interval.

The All Hacks showed tremendous spirit in the second half, combining gritty efforts to win possession with flashes of skill and ingenuity. Ara finished off a great through pass from Thanh, and Ajay pounced on an errant back-pass from the opposition to score a vital goal that kept the All Hacks firmly in the contest. However, each time the All Hacks narrowed the deficit to one goal, our opponents found a way to immediately restore their two goal buffer, with the match best summarised by the final decisive play of the match - when trailing 4-5, the All Hacks surged forward with a 3 players to 1 advantage, only to see the quick turnover in possession result in being hopelessly outnumbered 3 to 1 in defence.

14 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
10 - David D.
6 - Maal
5 - Thanh
4 - Ara, Khar
3 - Moe
2 - Adrian, Cooma
1 - Ajay, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Sophal

In a knee-jerk reaction to our disappointing effort in Adrian's 100th match last round, the All Hacks wielded the axe on ourselves, with virtually all players from last round committing hara-kiri (including the centenarian Adrian!) to save face after shamefully letting Adrian down in his milestone match. Unfortunately, Justin was denied entry through the pearly gates, and instead witnessed his fallen teammates sacrifice themselves to make way for a fresher line-up in a desperate bid to arrest our dramatic form slump.

Squad: Daniel, David D., Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Moe, Sophal

Inspired by Melbourne Victory's Herculean 9-men-against-11 second half performance against Central Coast Mariners in the A-League ... anything they could do, we could do better. The All Hacks tried to out-do Victory's heroic efforts (albeit, on a much smaller scale), playing with 4-men-against-5 in the opening stages of the match. Daniel, David and Moe formed a formidable triumvirate, dictating play from the outset, and combined to score 4 goals in the first 4 minutes. When latecomers Maal, Kheang and Sophal entered onto the field, they initially assumed the worst when they saw we were playing with one player short with the scoreboard displaying 4-0. However, their initial fears were allayed after being informed that we were actually comfortably in front, and soon after, they joined in on the procession.

Ahead 6-1 at half-time, the All Hacks continued to dominate possession, with silky passes from every All Hacks player repeatedly cutting through our opponent's porous defence with awesome precision. It was one of those rare matches where every play (intended or unintended) seemed to come off, epitomised by Daniel's initially off-target long-range blazing strike that saw the ball take a wicked deflection from an opponent and rocket into the back of their own net. By the end, the All Hacks equalled their record for the most number of goals scored in a match, but had lost track of our goal-scorers that a probability density distribution function had to be used to hypothesise our goal-scorers. Thus, estimated with 95% confidence...

15 - David D.
14 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
7 - Moe
6 - Maal
5 - Thanh
4 - Ara, Khar
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Daniel
1 - Ajay, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Sophal

After such an emphatic victory last round, it was only customary that the All Hacks would suffer a massive letdown in this round's match. To that end, the All Hacks did not fail to disappoint...

Squad: Charles, David D., Harinder, Justin (GK), Thanh

Charles, another former Brazilian Whacks player to follow Harinder's lead in defecting to their former rivals, the All Hacks, made his debut in this round's match. The All Hacks began on a positive note, with David scoring the opening goal minutes after kick-off. The All Hacks failed to take several chances to extend our lead, and eventually were punished for our narrow misses, conceding three goals late in the first half. A brilliant pass from Harinder wonderfully set up David, who narrowed the margin to one goal in the opening minutes of the second half. Unfortunately, the All Hacks had run out of steam midway through the second half, and sensing our imminent capitulation, our opponents went for the kill, scoring three more goals in rapid succession to effectively end the contest. David worked tirelessly throughout the match and was rewarded with two goals late in the match, which added some respectability to an otherwise forgettable scoreline.

Our opponents weren't a very organised team, but unfortunately, we were even more disorganised that they were. Our plays during the match were very predictable, and our attacking forays were negated with tremendous ease, as our "just kick it to David" strategy was well read by our opponents. Perhaps we need to come up with covert aliases based on mathematical and financial symbols to mask our identities and hide our tactics...

After failing to register victories in Justin's previous 50th and 100th milestone matches, the All Hacks were hoping it would be third time lucky for their beleaguered captain's 150th match milestone. Hollywood stars and paparazzi photographers were organised to attend and celebrate the special occasion, but the All Hacks were upstaged at the last minute by another equally faux event, TomKat's Scientology-sanctioned wedding/publicity stunt/upcoming movie promotion.

Squad: Ajay, David D., Justin (GK), Justin A., Maal, Moe, Thanh

Both teams very evenly matched in pace and skill, as the match played out like a tight arm-wrestle throughout, with each team exchanging periods of ascendancy, then just as quickly surrendering it the next moment. After absorbing a series of attacking plays from our opponents in the opening phase of the match, the All Hacks penetrated through our opponents' miserly defence, allowing David to thread the ball between the opposition goalkeeper's legs to break the deadlock. Unfortunately, our lead was cancelled from a stinging long-range strike from our opponents late in the first half.

In the second half, our opponents unleashed their unpredictable wildcard, Buster Bluth (member of the dysfunctional Bluth family in Arrested Development). (If you are not an Arrested Development fan, then you won't get the following in-house jokes, and shame on you for not supporting this wrongfully axed comedy series!) The All Hacks tried everything possible to nullify his presence on the field, including:

• bringing his on-again-off-again girlfriend, Lucille "2" Austero, to distract him from performing;
• capturing his nemesis, the hand-biting seal, to scare him off the field;
• taunting him that his Korean foster brother, An Yong, is getting more attention from his mother than he is;
• offering him a drink of his vice, juice, to send him into a delirious mess; and
• inviting him and his mother, Lucille Bluth, to Motherboy XXXI.

Unfortunately, Buster did not take any of the bait, and defiantly scored a tantalising long-range goal that evaded Justin's desperate, yet unsuccessful lunge. The momentum of the match swung again with the introduction of Moe in the second half, scoring the equaliser, with our opponents failing to subdue his explosive acceleration from a stationary position. Minutes later, Thanh's brilliant trap of the ball in front of goal, then remarkable composure in slotting the ball past the opposition goalkeeper, regained the lead for the All Hacks. In an epic see-sawing contest, our opponents mustered another surge, and unfortunately, scored two goals in the final four minutes to steal an unlikely victory. Although, it was disappointing to lose such an enthralling contest that went down-to-the-wire, it was heartening to see that we played with renewed enthusiasm after some recent ordinary performances.

20 - David D.
14 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
8 - Moe
6 - Maal, Thanh
4 - Ara, Khar
2 - Adrian, Cooma, Daniel
1 - Ajay, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Sophal

After our self-imposed "bye" (or "forfeit", to the untrained eye) last week to give our exhausted minds and aching limbs a well-deserved rest, the All Hacks were supposedly recharged and reinvigorated to launch ourselves upon the second half of the season. Unfortunately, what most of our squad players regained was their enthusiasm for alternative activities on weekends other than indoor soccer.

Squad: Ajay, Amar, David D., Justin (GK), Maal

With both teams awaiting late arrivals, the match began remarkably as a 3-on-3 contest. When Ajay and our latest recruit, Amar, entered onto the field several minutes after kick-off, the All Hacks then enjoyed a 5-on-4 advantage. However, the All Hacks fell victim to one of the golden edicts of soccer: "beware the team with one player less", and our opponents surged to a stunning 3-nil lead. David tried to restore some order with a strike that tunnelled through a wall of defenders and the opposition goalkeeper for the All Hacks' opening goal. When our opponents introduced their fifth player into their side in the latter stages of the first half, the All Hacks fell victim to another golden edict of soccer: "beware the team with a ring-in", as we were totally shell-shocked in finding ourselves with a 5-1 deficit at half-time.

After being totally humbled and humiliated in the first half, the All Hacks were stung into action in the second, and aided by our opponent's ring-in taking a breather on the sidelines, the All Hacks booted two goals immediately after the resumption of play via identical strikes from Amar and Ajay. Unfortunately, our opponents' generosity stopped there when they realised they were finally getting punished for fielding one player less, and without haste ordered their ring-in back onto the field. Despite another goal created by David who struck the ball from an acute angle, our opponents had all the answers to our challenges and eventually steadied to comfortably run out victors.

It is extremely frustrating that in the past few rounds, on paper at least, we have let go very winnable matches against very mediocre teams. Considering our poor turnout lately, it is hard to pick out which team is the mediocre one. Playing the entire match without substitutes, has undoubtedly cost us a few matches that we could have, and should have won easily. Please don't expect others to fill the void left by your absence. As the late, former US President, John F. Kennedy might have said: "Ask not what the All Hacks can do for you, ask what you can do for the All Hacks."

22 - David D.
14 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
8 - Moe
6 - Maal, Thanh
4 - Ara, Khar
2 - Adrian, Ajay, Cooma, Daniel
1 - Amar, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Sophal

After suffering a few demoralising defeats over the past month, the All Hacks again brought out the broom from the closet and swept out most of our squad from the previous round in hope of another renewal of form from a fresher line-up - none more fresher-off-the-boat than Alan, who made a welcomed return to the squad after a year long absence.

Squad: Alan, Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Moe, Thanh

After a relatively quiet start to proceedings, the match soon began to flare up, after Thanh received a slick pass along the left flank and struck home a marvellous goal from the edge of the goalkeeping zone - moments before being cleaned up by an outrageous sliding tackle from behind by an opponent. The match threatened to boil over, as our opponents were frustrated by believing they were the recipients of several poor refereeing decisions, but in reality, they were there own worst enemies through their own ineptitude. Eventually, the referee had no choice but to sin-bin a deluded opponent who was on the verge of starting an on-field brawl after making several verbal threats. The All Hacks were not intimidated by our opponents' disgraceful behaviour, and took a stranglehold on the match by dominating possession in midfield and creating fluent passages of play, with every team member having opportunities to score. Moe and Kheang kept the scoreboard ticking along, and at half-time, the All Hacks led 5-1.

In the second half, the All Hacks continued their dominance over a wearying opposition. It was a long time between drinks for Alan, who having scored his 49th goal for the All Hacks in July 2003, finally scored his 50th goal a mere three and a half years later. With Moe and Kheang notching up their hat-tricks, the All Hacks were in total control, apart from some nerves at the penalty spot. In the end, after being hostile to us for most of the match, Kheang felt some sympathy for our opponents' plight, and developed a case of "Stockholm Syndrome" - where the hostage becomes emotionally attached to his capturer, and ultimately becomes sympathetic to his capturer's cause. Inexplicably, Kheang forfeited his penalty attempt and gently returned the ball to the opposition goalkeeper, giving away his chance to grind our competition further into the mire. Had Donald Trump been our manager, Kheang would have been dragged off the field quicker than you could say, "You're fired!" Alas, it was a great display of sportsmanship, and showed that despite the brutish nature of our opponents, football can indeed be "the beautiful game".

22 - David D.
17 - Kheang
12 - Moe
11 - Jeff
8 - Thanh
6 - Maal
4 - Ara, Khar
2 - Adrian, Ajay, Cooma, Daniel
1 - Alan, Amar, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Sophal

'Tis the season to be jolly, 'tis the season for giving (not taking), 'tis the season for peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, yada yada yada... Our shameful opponents this round could have taken a leaf from everyone else celebrating the festive season, instead of being a Scrooge. Although, you can't expect too much sporting behaviour or fairness from a team wearing Arsenal shirts.

Squad: Justin (GK), Kheang, Moe, Sophal, Thanh

The All Hacks were appalled and outraged, but not overly surprised at the depths that a team would sink to in order to gain an unfair advantage (after all, we've been there, done that). With only four regular team members, our opponents called upon not one, but two opportunistic ring-ins to complete their side. Whereas the All Hacks toiled away with five players throughout the entire match, our opponents had the undeserved luxury of making a substitution whenever they pleased. Nevertheless, the All Hacks played compact and fluent football, whilst keeping our opponents honest. As it so often goes, despite creating all the chances to score, a single slip-up in defence from the All Hacks resulted in our opponents taking an unlikely 1-0 nil heading into half-time.

After an energy-sapping first half, the All Hacks were dealt a further blow immediately after the resumption of play, as an off-target long-range strike from our opponents resulted in the ball rebounding off the end netting fortuitously to the feet of one of our opponents' ring-in, who took full advantage and scored a lucky goal. Seemingly down and out, the All Hacks mounted a tremendously spirited comeback, with Sophal being the vital catalyst to our fight-back, scoring the first goal from a thrilling dash from defence to attack. Brilliantly executed diagonal through passes were shredding our opponents' defence apart, as Kheang found a narrow gap and drilled the ball through our opponents' defence for the equaliser, and Thanh perched himself on the edge of the goalkeeping zone, and after a few previously unsuccessful attempts, finally connected truly to send the ball rocketing into the goal from a roundhouse-style kick. Our opponents scored from a long-range strike to level the scores at 3-all, however, the All Hacks regained the lead soon after from a great goal by Moe. Desperately clinging on to a 4-3 lead, the All Hacks absorbed almost everything our opponents threw at us, but unfortunately, with just over 30 seconds of play left, our opponents' ring-in somehow conjured a narrow gap through three of our players who were closely guarding him and slotted the ball into the left corner of the goal.

With the scores provisionally level at 4-all at the end of play, the All Hacks lodged a protest to the tournament officials, on the grounds of conduct contrary to the Christmas spirit and conduct un-Australian, i.e. our opponents did not give us a fair go. Our appeal was quickly dismissed, however, our opponents were found guilty of fielding a player wearing a different coloured shirt than the rest of his teammates, and were deducted one goal. So in the end, as with all Christmas tales, our opponents did finally embrace the festive spirit, as their gift to the needy was a precious goal to us, which ultimately was the difference between the two sides.

The season now takes a three-week break over the Christmas and New Year period. Have a Merry Christmas, but try not to overindulge, as when the season resumes in the new year, the run home to the finals begins!

22 - David D.
18 - Kheang
13 - Moe
11 - Jeff
9 - Thanh
6 - Maal
4 - Ara, Khar
2 - Adrian, Ajay, Cooma, Daniel, Sophal
1 - Alan, Amar, Edward, Harinder, Justin

After sending off 2006 in style with a hard-fought victory before the Christmas/New Year break, the All Hacks were hoping to kick-off 2007 in a similar fashion. With our New Year's resolution being to win every match we play for the remainder of the season, it didn't take long for us to follow a traditional New Year's ritual - breaking our resolution on the same day as making it.

Squad: Daniel, Justin (GK), Kheang, Lek, Moe, Sophal

On a one-match loan from New Zealand, Lek returned to the All Hacks side after a two-and-a-half-year absence, but lost none of his skill in adapting to the All Hacks' unique style of play. After maintaining our rigorous fitness regime over the break consisting of repetitive circuits (i.e. walking from the couch to the fridge and back), the All Hacks were primed to make an explosive start to the match. Unfortunately, our opponents got the jump on us, and with the aid of a few ring-ins, bolted away to a 3-nil lead before the All Hacks had a chance to settle into the match. Some brilliance from Moe allowed the All Hacks to claw their way back with two goals in quick succession. However, our opponents scored two late goals to lead 5-2 at half-time.

The All Hacks staged a comeback early in the second half, albeit briefly, with goals to Moe and Daniel edging the All Hacks back into the contest, trailing 4-5 with most of the second half remaining. Unfortunately, the All Hacks couldn't convert our plethora of opportunities, while our opponents remarkably scored regularly from the most impossible of positions, and scored the final 3 goals of the match to run away comfortable victors.

22 - David D.
18 - Kheang
16 - Moe
11 - Jeff
9 - Thanh
6 - Maal
4 - Ara, Khar
3 - Daniel
2 - Adrian, Ajay, Cooma, Sophal
1 - Alan, Amar, Edward, Harinder, Justin

Massively built-up as Justin's last match before cashing-in his accumulated long service leave, the evening however turned out to be a massive anti-climax, with our opponents failing to show up to the venue. Forfeits from our opponents are always welcomed with open arms at the All Hacks, but at least show us some common courtesy by notifying the officials of their planned non-appearance to save us the angst of preparing for a match that was never going ahead in the first place. With a victory chalked up without raising a sweat, the night was best summed up by Ajay, "At least we didn't get injured..."

Squad: Ajay, Alan, Harinder, Justin, Kheang

Following the perfect result of a victory (regardless of how it was achieved), the time is right for me to wilfully abandon the All Hacks for a few weeks, but I will self-indulgently return in time for the finals. In the meantime, Thanh will take over duties of captain / team manager / debt collector. I have no doubt the All Hacks will continue to prosper without my services, as no individual is bigger than the team...

From The Simpsons, episode "Team Homer":
Homer: Let me set the scene for you, Marge.
Marge: Alright.
Homer: It's a 7-10 split, the hardest shot in bowling. It was all up to me.
Marge: Oh...
Homer: So I got up all my courage. Right away, my lips started to move ... and I came up with a chant that won the match.
Marge: Who knocked down the pins?
Homer: I don't know. You know, some guy. Uh... Otto, I guess.
Marge: Good for him.
Homer: Yes, but, Marge, you're not -- You're missing the point. The individual doesn't matter. It was a team effort. And I was the one who came up with the whole team idea. Me!

22 - David D.
18 - Kheang
16 - Moe
11 - Jeff
9 - Thanh
6 - Maal
4 - Ara, Khar
3 - Daniel, "Default"
2 - Adrian, Ajay, Cooma, Sophal
1 - Alan, Amar, Edward, Harinder, Justin

With Justin (a.k.a. "The Manager") on holidays, it was left to me to pull a squad together for this round's match. For my first official action as the new manager, I announce that, "I Quit!" Hahaha. Well not quite quit, but it isn't that great to be manager. I can sympathise with Justin now and his efforts to fill a squad each week. It is emotionally and financially draining (Ok, I exaggerate, but all those SMSes do cost money, especially when no one replies to the free ones I send and have to re-send them with my mobile). With some last minute effort, we managed to fill a full team for the match, albeit after the game started.

Squad: Kheang, Moe, Mov (GK), Thanh, Yani

With kick-off officially called, I was informed by umpire Steve that he had to start deducting one goal for every two minutes we were late. Since I was the only one there, there wasn't much point to take the field. Kheang and Mov arrived after about 3 minutes. However, Kheang had to get changed still and was racing against the clock. Despite the three of us getting onto the field at about 3 minutes 50 seconds into the game, the opposition cleverly kicked the match ball around and wasted another 15 seconds. This resulted in the clock ticking over the 4-minute mark and hence we were 2 goals down.

We skillfully held the ball in our half, passing back to me as keeper. We didn't concede any goals in that period. Finally Moe and his friend, Yani, arrived. We started to build up our game, but House Soccer took advantage of our disorganisation, and my terrible keeping skills, to put a goal on the board. We started to get our game together and despite numerous great shots on goal, missed putting it through the net. Nearing the end of the half, we managed to grab one goal back. However, right on half-time, a ball that was kicked to our end was retrieved by Mov, who was keeper at the time. The problem was that he had ventured outside the circle to do so. In all the rush, we had forgotten to tell him that the keeper can't go outside the goal circle.

Despite being down at half-time, we still had belief that we could beat House Soccer. The second half resumed with the All Hacks making attack after attack. Finally we started to find the target and throughout the half, clawed our way back to 4-4. With only a few minutes to go, House Soccer made a very fortunate goal to lead 5-4. We fought on and Yani scored an equaliser with about a minute to go. Despite a few more attacks, we were unable to score and the game ended in a draw.

Here is a desperate plea for anyone who can attend next round's game to come and play. We really need a full side and some substitutes to win a few games and make sure we make the Division 3 finals.

22 - David D.
18 - Kheang
17 - Moe
11 - Jeff
9 - Thanh
6 - Maal
4 - Ara, Khar, Yani
3 - Daniel, "Default"
2 - Adrian, Ajay, Cooma, Sophal
1 - Alan, Amar, Edward, Harinder, Justin

After last week's poor management style, I did some research by reading as much Dilbert comic strips as I could to improve my management style. I have found the solution, it's called: "Representation Of Information Not Complying To Moral Codes" … a.k.a. "Lying".

Thanh: "We really need players, we don't have enough players for this week."
Player: "I'm really busy this week but since we need players, I will come play."

Squad: David D., Harinder (GK), Kheang, Moe, Ralph, Thanh, Yani

The latest player to join the All Hacks ranks this week was Ralph, a friend of Justin A.. Ralph carried with him previous experience in indoor soccer, so the transition was very smooth without the customary giving away of a penalty.

With Justin still on holidays, keeping duties were left to David at the start of the game. David had shown previously how good his reactions were and hence got the job. However, despite his best efforts, he had one small toe over the circle and gave away a penalty. This put us on the back foot but we were not too worried. Slowly the All Hacks clawed their way into the game, with much of the attack in the first half. Kheang and Harinder arrived a bit later to add further strength to the team since we could sub out and take a rest. We put through a few goals and led by half time.

With the seasoned Harinder as keeper, things ran much better and the goals started to flow. Great strikes from Moe, David and Yani put us 5-2 in front. Notting Hill got back a goal but we were never in threat of losing. Ralph also posted his first goal for the All Hacks in the dying minutes of the game.

Once again, I plead to everyone to attend each match if they can, we really are short on players each week.

23 - David D.
19 - Moe
18 - Kheang
11 - Jeff
9 - Thanh
6 - Maal, Yani
4 - Ara, Khar
3 - Daniel, "Default"
2 - Adrian, Ajay, Cooma, Sophal
1 - Alan, Amar, Edward, Harinder, Justin, Ralph

Major thanks go to Thanh for being caretaker captain while I went AWOL. During his tumultuous tenure as captain, Thanh managed to maintain an undefeated record (one victory, one draw, and one conveniently forgotten forfeit), despite being heavily undermanned throughout most of the matches. While being immersed in the best and worst that Asia has to offer, I was avidly keeping track of the All Hacks' fortunes via reading through Thanh's comprehensive match reports from dodgy, smoky internet cafes.

Squad: Ajay, Daniel, David D., Justin (GK), Thanh, Yani

With Justin's position in the side by no means assured upon his return, he had to re-audition for his role as starting goalkeeper. Justin's honeymoon period lasted less than one minute, as the All Hacks conceded the first two goals inside the opening three minutes of the match. Stung into action, the All Hacks gathered their composure, and gradually began to control the tempo of the match. The All Hacks patiently waited for an opening in front of goal, holding on to possession for lengthy periods on end. Eventually, our tactics wore down our opponents, with Thanh and then Daniel finding narrow gaps through our opponents' defence to score crucial goals. Unfortunately, the All Hacks conceded a goal inside the final minute of the first half to trail 3-2 at half-time.

After threatening to score for most of the first half, Yani found space in the right flank to strike a brilliant goal minutes into the second half to bring scores level at 3-3. Unfortunately, this was the closest the All Hacks would get to for the remainder of the match. After regaining the lead from a wonderful long range strike, our opponents continually frustrated the All Hacks into conceding clumsy free kicks and penalties. Despite our tireless efforts yielding more opportunities to score than our opponents, the All Hacks went down to a more efficient and polished unit.

Unfortunately, due to the stubbornness of the tournament officials and complete lack of compassion for their players, our season has ended on an abrupt note. With the insane scheduling of the finals series directly clashing with the A-League Grand Final as well as Chinese New Year, it will be virtually impossible for the All Hacks to field a side during the finals. With the officials failing to respond to our impassioned pleas to reschedule the finals, we would like to give the tournament officials a friendly reminder about scorning a bunch of Asians during their festive New Year season... we give you no money, no prosperity, and an inauspicious start to the year! No "fat choy" for you!!!