"These newsletters are starting to become nag sessions, where I bear all my grievances…" - Justin

For upcoming fixtures, past newsletters, our illustrious history and more…

Season 8 Record

Matches Played: 20
Matches Won: 13
Matches Lost: 6
Matches Drawn: 1
Goals For: 85
Goals Against: 66
Goal Difference: +19
Bonus Points: 28
Total Points: 68

Points System:
Win = 3 points
Draw = 1 point
Bonus Point = 3 + 2 goals

Overall Record

Matches Played: 141
Matches Won: 61
Matches Lost: 69
Matches Drawn: 11
Goals For: 522
Goals Against: 541
Goal Difference: -19

Season-by-Season

Final position at the end of each season:

1 (2002): Div 6 - Last
2 (2002): Div 7 - Third
3 (2003): Div 5 - Fourth
4 (2003): Div 5 - Second
5 (2004): Div 6 - Premiers
6 (2005): Div 5 - Third
7 (2005): Div 3 - Last
8 (2006): Div 4 - Premiers

"Platinum Moccasin"

More prestigious than the seasonal "Golden Shoe" award, this honour is bestowed upon the player who has kicked the most number of goals in the brief, yet illustrious history of the All Hacks!

68 - Kheang
65 - Anisha
49 - Alan
36 - Adrian
35 - Thanh
34 - Ajay
30 - Ara
28 - Moe
25 - Maal
17 - Sung
14 - Sophal
13 - Justin
12 - Masum, "Default"
11 - Alain, Khar
9 - Francis
8 - Lek
7 - Jeff
6 - Daniel
5 - Chi, Sam
3 - Peter, Shan
2 - Alex, Gerald, Tuan
1 - Abi, David, Harinder, Ian, Justin A., Mak, Ngo, Siwei, Soliman, Steve (II)

The "Dunce Cap"

Like the "baggy green" of the Australian cricket team, the All Hacks also have their own traditional head accessory, the "dunce cap".

Each cap is numbered to represent the order in which each individual has played for the All Hacks.

Where does your favourite player stand in the proud history of the All Hacks?

01 - Alain (0,26)
02 - Francis (0,32)
03 - Huy (0,3)
04 - Ian (0,12)
05 - Justin (20,135)
06 - Keong (0,43)
07 - Peter (0,43)
08 - Shaun (0,26)
09 - Sung (0,63)
10 - Adrian (3,94)
11 - Chi (0,11)
12 - Danny (0,19)
13 - Gerald (0,5)
14 - Justin (Scrub) (0,3)
15 - Simon (0,3)
16 - Nick (0,3)
17 - Shan (0,5)
18 - Alex (0,2)
19 - Alan (0,33)
20 - Rob (0,3)
21 - Jonathan (0,1)
22 - Masum (9,30)
23 - Marco (0,3)
24 - Thanh (19,117)
25 - Sam (0,4)
26 - Sandy (0,2)
27 - Siwei (0,1)
28 - Abhrajit (Abi) (0,16)
29 - Ajay (14,58)
30 - Mak (0,1)
31 - Fong (0,2)
32 - Kheang (15,64)
33 - Maal (14,42)
34 - Justin A. (2,27)
35 - Sophal (0,18)
36 - Tuan (0,1)
37 - Wai (0,3)
38 - Ara (8,30)
39 - Eric (0,1)
40 - John (0,2)
41 - Steven (0,1)
42 - Anisha (12,29)
43 - Pin (0,1)
44 - David (0,2)
45 - Patrick (0,1)
46 - Lek (0,11)
47 - Kin (0,4)
48 - Steve (0,1)
49 - Ngo (0,2)
50 - David X. (0,1)
51 - Mov (0,4)
52 - Khar (7,14)
53 - Binny (0,1)
54 - Eric (II) (0,1)
55 - Jomini (0,2)
56 - Harinder (9,32)
57 - Ping (0,2)
58 - Rob (II) (0,2)
59 - Cooma (0,1)
60 - Moe (1,15)
61 - Daniel (0,3)
62 - Edward (0,1)
63 - Ben (0,1)
64 - Steve (II) (0,1)
65 - Danny (II) (0,1)
66 - Chester (0,1)
67 - Hubert (0,1)
68 - Nick (II) (0,1)
69 - Patrick (II) (0,1)
70 - Sunny (0,1)
71 - Ali (0,1)
72 - Aries (0,1)
73 - Eros (0,1)
74 - Poseidon (0,1)
75 - Soliman (0,1)
76 - Levent (0,1)
77 - Khai (3,3)
78 - John V. (1,1)
79 - Paul (1,1)
80 - Ashley (1,1)
81 - Javier (1,1)
82 - Jeff (4,4)

Our Sister Club?

They've won only six games in three years, are lucky if 100 people turn up to watch the team's weekly trials, while the players earn the princely sum of £20 ($49) each.

Welcome to East Stirling FC - Britain's worst professional soccer team.

In 21 matches this season, the club, based in Falkirk, Scotland, has won only twice, clinched 12 points, and found the net 19 times while leaking 52 goals at the other end.

Last season, it finished bottom of the table, winning just twice in 33 games - a return of eight points out of a possible 108. The previous campaign was equally discouraging; bottom place again, winning two games and 13 points.

Formed in November 1881, when the Bainsford Bluebonnets cricket team decided to form the Bainsford Britannia football team, East Stirling was adopted as its name. The club's moment of glory came seven years later, in 1888, when it reached the quarter-finals of the Scottish Cup, only to lose to Celtic. Since then it has been largely downhill.

"We do our duty stoically," said Ian Ramsay, the head of the supporters' club. "The season was quite painful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We are not competing. This cannot continue. A hundred people - that's what we are down to for home games. After two seasons of pure crap, I'm amazed we've still got 100 fans," Ramsay told The Scotsman newspaper.

Things were not helped when the club decided to slash wages by £10 ($24) a week from an already humble £30 ($72).

Despite its woeful form, East Stirling survives partly because there is no automatic relegation from the Scottish third division.

But there are signs the powers-that-be are becoming exhausted with the constant humiliations and are pondering introducing enforced re-election for any team that finishes bottom of the third division for two successive seasons.

Chairman Alan Mackin said the team's record was caused partly by running the club within its means. "We are the only team in Scotland that has faced the facts and tried to live within our means," he said. "We are the only team that's had the guts."

Comments please!

"As a former professional web designer, I commend the quality of your website in all technical and aesthetic considerations. Inspirational. Congratulations." - Shaun

Constructive or abusive comments appreciated at:

All Hacks FC

Season Autumn/Winter 2006

After a few false starts, welcome to the All Hacks' eighth season of Indoor Soccer. Like every reality TV program returning for a new series, there are a few surprise twists to the all-new All Hacks' comedy/horror series. This season, we are competing in Division 5/6 of a 5-a-side league, ditching the 6th player, who for most of 2005 was some stranger we pulled from off the street to fill in for us. New rules aplenty too: with the absence of a penalty area (looks like you have to work for your goals now Kheang, instead of resorting to converting penalties to prop up your tally!), and the introduction of a fouls count. Each side is allowed to commit four fouls in a half, but every subsequent foul will result in a penalty being conceded (there's hope for you after all Kheang!). Some more housekeeping issues: introducing our 77th player to represent the All Hacks, Khai, a.k.a. "Ajay's boss". In our debut match for 5-a-side indoor soccer, we welcomed back many of our past players. To all the others who failed to turn up: "So where the bloody hell are you?"

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Ara, Justin (GK), Maal, Khai, Kheang, Thanh

After initially struggling to finding players keen to play for another season, the All Hacks at one stage resorted to looking for a few asylum-seeking Sierra Leonians to field a full side. In the end, we fielded one of our strongest line-ups ever to mark Kheang's milestone 50th match for the All Hacks. After taking most of the first half to adapt to our new surroundings, the All Hacks conceded the opening goal from a strike deep in the left corner that snuck through our defence. The All Hacks' rotating substitutions ensured that we always had fresh legs on the field, and we eventually capitalised on our extra human stock, with Ara scoring two fine goals to give the All Hacks the lead at half-time.

The All Hacks were more adventurous in the second half, with Kheang travelling coast-to-coast past several opponents to strike a fabulous goal. The All Hacks created numerous opportunities to put the match result beyond doubt, with potent strikes from Anisha and Khai hitting the woodwork. However, our inability to land the killer blow kept Yemazel in the contest, and their conservation of energy style of play (as opposed to the All Hacks' "run 'til you drop" style of play) allowed them to launch a last-ditch effort. The match tightened up after Yemazel threaded the ball inside the right post for a goal with two minutes left. In the final frantic minutes, the All Hacks clung on to their narrow lead and the final whistle couldn't come soon enough.

Not including victories by default, our victory ended a 16-match losing streak dating back from 12 June 2005... It's been a very, very, very long time between drinks! An encouraging statistic from the match was that we didn't concede a foul in the first half, and only committed two in the second. So that means we can be a little bit more aggressive for our future matches and still get away with it??? After a terrific start to the season, let's keep our 1-match winning streak intact!!!

We begin this edition by prospectively observing a moment of silence ... in anticipation of Katie Holmes' Scientology-approved birth of her child ... and to prematurely commiserate Thanh's 100th match for the All Hacks. With all the troops rallying around, answering the call to participate in Thanh's milestone match, the All Hacks assembled an enormous squad, with enough players to field two complete teams.

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, John V., Justin (GK), Khai, Khar, Kheang, Maal, Moe, Thanh

Thanh's work colleague John V. made his debut, and a post-VCE Moe returned to the All Hacks line-up for the vital clash against our rivals from last season, Shaolin Soccer. For those who have a short or repressed memory, Shaolin Soccer denied us of receiving the consolation ("you're not good enough, but thanks for playing and empyting your wallets each match, so here's a $2 trophy to show you our appreciation") trophy, thus consigning us to the dreaded wooden spoon.

After toiling hard during the opening minutes of the first half but with no reward, the All Hacks substituted the entire team off, and soon the scoreboard started to tick over ... for both teams. Justin did his best to gift Shaolin Soccer a goal, by throwing the ball to an unsuspecting Khar, who could do nothing else but ricochet the ball back to Justin for an illegal back-pass. Fortunately, Justin was able to save the penalty and no harm was done. Moe's engineering skills came to the fore, as he measured his run along the right flank and forceful strike from an acute angle with remarkable precision for the opening goal. Shaolin Soccer equalised soon after, however Anisha restored the All Hacks' lead approaching half-time with a powerful strike.

The All Hacks dominated the opening minutes of the second half, with Maal displaying excellent composure in front of goal by controlling possession of the ball and finally executing the strike at the precise moment to slot the ball past the opposition goalkeeper. Khar's sweeping long range kick perfectly isolated Thanh in front of goal, who swivelled around his axis for a clinical finish. Comfortably ahead 4-1, the All Hacks dropped their intensity and reverted to a random "Brownian motion" on-field formation. Consequently, our lapses in defence allowed Shaolin Soccer to score two goals in the second half. Nevertheless, the All Hacks maintained an attacking style of play right until the end, and held off Shaolin Soccer's best efforts for an equaliser.

With remarkable similarities to the All Hacks, Nerds FC is a must-see reality TV series, which follows the journey of 14 self-confessed nerds or "intelligentsia" who unite to form a soccer team. I am assuming that our legal experts, Adrian and Anisha will be offering their services on a "pro-bono" basis, to closely examine the series' contents to determine if any intellectual property/Copyright laws have been breached, and to exploit any legislative loophole so we can share royalties from any profits made from the show.

2 - Ara
1 - Anisha, Kheang, Maal, Moe, Thanh

First, some housekeeping issues: with little fanfare and publicity, last round's win notched up the All Hacks' milestone 50th official victory. Congrats!!! After suffering a severe knee injury last year that would have crippled most players, Masum made a stunning comeback for the All Hacks in this round. With a diminished line-up compared to last round's squad, the All Hacks having no idea what to expect from Masum post-knee reconstruction, and Masum himself improvising his method of play after entering through the field "door": "Thank God You're Here..."

Squad: Ajay, Justin (GK), Khai, Kheang, Masum, Thanh

The All Hacks started off on the right note, scoring the opening goal after Kheang burst his way through several players and finished off in style with a rare left foot strike. However, with a lack of substitutes to rely upon, the All Hacks' intensity gradually withered in the face of a continual supply of fresh players from the opposition, and at half-time the All Hacks trailled 3-1.

In the second half, fumbling goalkeeping errors by Justin cost the All Hacks dearly, with one innocuous kick from the opposition being self-deflected between Justin's legs, and of course the ball had no other path but roll into the back of the net for an embarrassing goal. Defensive errors aside, there were several encouraging moments in the second half. Masum's knee, reinforced with a mechanical "junior Forrest Gump-like" contraption, had a mind of its own, and a blazing strike from near the centre of the field torpedoed its way past everyone for a goal. The All Hacks earned a well-deserved bonus point, after Kheang's authoritative strike notched up the All Hacks' third goal in the final minutes of the match.

3 - Kheang
2 - Ara
1 - Anisha, Maal, Masum, Moe, Thanh

Scheduled with yet another match kicking-off past curfew time on a frosty late-Autumn night, a large contingent of our squad abandoned the All Hacks in droves just like the Chinese deserting the Solomon Islands. Thankfully, any alleged bribing that supposedly occurred went in our favour, as our opponents conveniently failed to show up and the depleted All Hacks were awarded the victory by a walkover.

Round #4 (23/04/06) - All Hacks vs Fragile

Squad: Adrian, Ajay, Justin, Kheang, Masum, Paul, Thanh

After a self-imposed exile, Adrian was welcomed back to the team, and Paul made his debut for the All Hacks. The match kicked-off with only one team on the field, however the referee (Ali, ex-All Hacks ring-in and sympathist) quickly assembled his team to play a semi-friendly match with the All Hacks that would be still "objectively" officiated with competition rules. To maintain the "integrity" of our meticulously kept statistics, the result of this semi-friendly would not count to the official All Hacks records. Hence, despite making the sacrifice of turning up to this round's match, it would ultimately be a total waste of effort for some.

Gradually getting familiar with the style of 5-a-side indoor soccer, the All Hacks were intent on making a effort to attempt more shots on goal. Several factors assisted the All Hacks' goal feast, such as the casual approach the opposition took to defending, with the opposition goalkeeper lying relaxed on the ground on several occasions. The All Hacks kept their noses in front for most of the match, with both teams involved in a goal-for-goal shootout. In a desperate final minute of play with the All Hacks leading 9-8, our opponents equalised, only for Kheang to score a goal from a quick kick-off to put the All Hacks 10-9 up. However, with one final long-range strike, our opponents scored a brilliant goal right on the final siren to draw level. Nonetheless, the All Hacks' unofficial draw will be marked as an official victory in the grander scheme of things. Unofficial full time: 10-10 (Kheang 4, Masum 2, Thanh 2, Ajay, "own goal")

3 - Kheang, "Default"
2 - Ara
1 - Anisha, Maal, Masum, Moe, Thanh

After walking out on the All Hacks at the end of last season on acrimonious terms, our attention-seeking problem child, Justin A., returned to the All Hacks this round, eager to show-off his soccer skills developed during his sabbatical from the All Hacks. Let bygones be bygones...

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Ara, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Masum, Thanh

The All Hacks started in the worst fashion possible, conceding the first three goals of the match to our top-of-the-ladder opponents. Our defence was continually caught out on our opponents' sweeping counter-attacks, and Justin's legs were spread wider than Paris Hilton's on a night out, with the ball whistling through his outstretched legs and into the back of the net on several occasions. Throughout our lacklustre play in the first half, Anisha continued to dazzle our opponents with his tremendous skills, and restored some hope in the All Hacks with a goal during the latter stages of the first half.

With a restructured defence, the All Hacks staged a brilliant second half revival, starting off with Masum converting a penalty by blasting the ball straight to the opposition goalkeeper who fortunately had over-committed and dived to his left. Anisha drilled his second goal of the match along the left flank for the equaliser. With all the momentum and surging in confidence, the All Hacks swarmed in attack, with Thanh capitalising and striking the ball for a goal to put the All Hacks in front midway through the second half. However, our inspired comeback stung our opponents into action, and they were able to level proceedings soon after. Justin was given a workout as goalkeeper in the closing stages of the match, and with one minute to play, began to cramp after making a relatively comfortable save look difficult. However, there would be no Nathan Thompson-like shenanigans in substituting himself off for the "greater good of the team", and thankfully the All Hacks clung on to a hard-fought draw.

3 - Anisha, Kheang, "Default"
2 - Ara, Masum, Thanh
1 - Maal, Moe

After failing to wrap himself in cotton wool during the week, Justin A. was a late exclusion from the side due to injury. Replacing him in the side was Harinder, who returned to the All Hacks for his first match of the season, just in time to celebrate another player milestone, with Ajay notching up his 50th match for the All Hacks.

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Masum, Thanh

The All Hacks controlled play throughout the first half, and took the early lead after Kheang latched onto a loose ball that wasn't cleanly held by the opposition goalkeeper in front of goal. Ajay celebrated his milestone match in style, threading the ball from a very acute angle through for a goal. With our opponents struggling to keep up with our supply of fresh legs on the field from our frequent interchange rotations, every player at some stage of the first half threatened to score. Anisha polished off a dominant first half display from the All Hacks, with a classy goal to extend the scoreline to 3-nil.

Seemingly cruising to a comfortable victory, Justin made the oft remark about the possibility of affording to have a rest from his goalkeeping duties during the second half. However, soon his remarks would almost turn out to be the "perfect squelch"... (i.e. his comments would come back to bite him in the butt.) The second half took on a whole different complexion, with Con & Friends playing a more daring style of play, but also enjoying the "rub of the green" from the referee. Con & Friends stunningly scored three goals in quick succession and all in a similar fashion, each time via a cleanly struck free kick from virtually the same position deep in attack. After seeing their commanding lead evaporate in an instant, the All Hacks soon found themselves in foul trouble after conceding their fourth foul midway through the second half, and had to delicately walk on egg shells for the remainder of the match. Both teams had several opportunities to break the tense deadlock, however Anisha rose to the occasion and restored the All Hacks' lead with another clinical strike. After a genuine scare, the All Hacks were preparing to celebrate Ajay's milestone match with a victory, but the man-of-the-moment had other ideas... In the final minute of play, Ajay made sure his milestone match would be dramatically remembered one way or another by conceding our fifth foul of the half, resulting in Con & Friends earning a penalty from our second half indiscretions. As if perfectly scripted by Ajay, the penalty conversion rebounded off the right side post, then the subsequent kick from the rebound struck the left side post, and the All Hacks narrowly scraped home for a thrilling victory.

5 - Anisha
4 - Kheang
3 - "Default"
2 - Ara, Masum, Thanh
1 - Ajay, Maal, Moe

Following our great start to the season, we have earned ourselves a mid-season mini-promotion to the newly formed Division 4/5. Congratulations! The great news got even better when we learned that our top-of-the-ladder opponents this round had forfeited the match half an hour before kick-off, perhaps sacrificing the match points on offer to earn "brownie points" for spending quality time with their mothers on Mothers' Day. However, for the All Hacks' squad members who considered Mothers' Day to be a day concocted by marketing gurus aiming to extract disposable income and personal guilt from consumers who otherwise ignore and neglect their mum for the other 364 days of the year, we had a match to play... (P.S.: Happy Mothers' Day, Mum!)

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Ara, Justin, Maal

Taking full advantage of not having to pay for this round's match, the All Hacks arranged a quasi-friendly with a team from a higher division. With nothing much at stake, as expected both teams, on average, played at half pace (i.e. the All Hacks at full pace, and our opponents at zero pace). As with most friendlies, defence was not a high prerogative in the match, exemplified by Maal being able to stroll merrily along the court, dribble the ball coast-to-coast and score a goal virtually unchallenged. However, the match did not lack competitive intensity, with our opponents responding by scoring several well-executed goals. The All Hacks replied with interest, constantly bombarding the opposition's goal, with Anisha cashing in on our goal bonanza and finishing with four goals struck from all parts of the field. Unofficial full time: 8-4 (Anisha 4, Maal 2, Ajay, Ara)

With not much of a match to report this round, here's a cleverly written review from The Age updating the fortunes of our brother-in-arms, Nerds FC:

No longer is the SBS 10 o'clock perverted freaks sex slot the highlight of my Friday night viewing. Now it's Nerds FC. For those of you who have not seen the show here's the deal. Experts coach 14 nerds for three months all culminating in Nerds FC playing a soccer match against a professional team in front of 25,000 people. Participating in this show has not only given the nerds their first opportunity to see real live humans since the 1998 Star Trek convention, but the first reason to bathe in 15 years.

Reality television has allowed us to sticky beak at celebrities becoming ballroom dancers; Christian fundamentalist virgins transform into rock stars; and in the case of Big Brother: attention-seeking wannabes emerge as even bigger attention-seeking wannabes. But Nerds FC has something that the other shows of this genre don't. And I am not talking about men with the ability to recite the dialogue from the Star Wars Trilogy backward. This show has dignity. I know you are waiting for the joke but I can assure you that on Nerds FC not even the voice-over is taking the piss.

I am in love with these nerds and I adore this show. These guys are generous, beautiful souls. If you are after bitching, back-stabbing or voting off you won't get it here. It's a breath of fresh air to see know-alls, not wankers, on the telly doing something to get fit - not famous. So far, with three episodes to go, here are my top five moments.

1. As the team walks towards the trainers for the first time, one coach turned to the other and said, "The closer they get the worse they look."
2. One nerd suggested they call themselves Team 3.141592653589 (i.e. "pi").
3. Watching their faces when they find out that their first match is against women.
4. Watching their faces when they find out that their second match is against prisoners.
5. When they wanted to elect Tim as captain simply because his surname was Kirk, so they could be led by Captain Kirk.

Watching these men with the IQ of Stephen Hawking and the gross motor co-ordination to match attempting to dance the samba was also a high point. But I am warning you, these guys are hard-core, soft-bellied, industrial strength nerds. The nerds are not only aware that they have no life but can prove it mathematically. When these guys try to turn a woman on, they look for the on/off button.

Nerd FC's Nick says: "I consider myself a nerd because I focus my not-inconsiderable powers on the acquisition and comprehension of knowledge at the expense of all other aspects of my life." My first thought was, "Feel free to get a life at any stage." My second thought was, "It seems he already has one."

Tune in. If you don't, I will send the nerds around and they will defrag your computer, prove that they are not on a first-name basis with personal hygiene and then entertain you by listing every prime number up to 27 digits.

6 - "Default"
5 - Anisha
4 - Kheang
2 - Ara, Masum, Thanh
1 - Ajay, Maal, Moe

On a freezing weeknight, where it was actually warmer to be inside a refrigerator than be outdoors, the All Hacks were severely depleted with many of our players absent due to work commitments, or still recovering from wild celebrations following Finland's heavy-metal inspired triumph in the Eurovision Song Contest. However, our opponents had no difficulty in assembling a massive squad, so they all must be either unemployed dole bludgers, or habitually watch serial wacky game shows on Chinese cable TV (oblivious to the rest of the world's events).

Squad: Adrian, Anisha, Ara, Ashley, Javier, Justin (GK), Thanh

With only four players arriving on time at kick-off, the All Hacks welcomed our 80th player (our umpteenth stranger), Ashley, who filled in for a brief cameo before Anisha and his friend, Javier (our 81st player) arrived fashionably late. In an evenly contested first half, both teams traded goals via free kicks, with Anisha's delicately executed curling strike completely wrong-footing the opposition goalkeeper, leaving him stranded on the goal line.

In the second half, the All Hacks broke through Shaolin Soccer's defensive setup on several occasions, however squandered our opportunities in front of goal. Eventually, the All Hacks could not sustain our intensity during the second half, as Shaolin Soccer constantly rotated their line-up, making frequent, lengthy substitutions, with players regularly coming on and off the field like a plate of food revolving around a "lazy Susan". Our defence was exposed on numerous occasions, with long aerial passes catching our defence off guard. With a solid defence being the cornerstone of mounting an attacking play, it was disappointing to see opposition players running rampant in our defensive area. In the final minute of play, Anisha scored a consolation goal for the All Hacks also from a free kick, this time converted through more agricultural means, blasting the ball into the top right corner of the goal.

From The Simpsons, episode "Homer The Great" (a.k.a. the Stonecutters episode):
Homer: It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people look deep within my soul and assign me a number based on the order in which I joined. (sniffles)

7 - Anisha
6 - "Default"
4 - Kheang
2 - Ara, Masum, Thanh
1 - Ajay, Maal, Moe

The All Hacks were once again afflicted by the perennial mid-season struggle to enthuse players to line-up for the All Hacks, as we managed to barely field a full side for this round's match. Thankfully, our opponents also had only five players, so it was apparent from the onset that without any substitutes to rely upon, it would be a survival-of-the-fittest affair. Although, judging by our opponents' very rotund builds, they may have had substitutes once upon a time, but possibly had eaten them during the course of the season. (Apologies in advance, more calorie-loaded obesity jokes to follow...)

Squad: Ajay, Ara, Justin (GK), Kheang, Thanh

Our opponents huffed and puffed their way to a position of ascendancy, as they had the All Hacks' measure throughout the first half. D.J. United scored the opening goal of the match, after the referee gave an appalling decision allowing a goal scored inside our goalkeeping zone to stand. The All Hacks were perplexed and ruffled by D.J. United's go-very-slow tactics, and our opponents took full advantage and munched through our defence to score their second goal. With our opponents' round pot bellies seemingly creating their own gravity fields (à la Peter Griffin in "Family Guy"), the All Hacks could not find any free space and were trapped into orbiting around our opponents, and most of our attacking forays were quickly swallowed up by our opponents. In the closing stages of the first half, the All Hacks finally broke free from our opponents, and Thanh picked up the crumbs and cleanly struck a goal to reduce the margin to one goal at half-time.

D.J. United's impressive first half had sapped them of most of their energy, and in the opening minutes of the second half, had already began to wind the clock down with ultra-defensive passes to protect their slender lead. Sensing our opponents were fatiguing at a rapid rate, the All Hacks lifted their tempo with efficient and slick passes, and our well-organised defence smothered any hint of attack by our opponents. The All Hacks gradually built our momentum throughout the second half, scoring the next three goals, and eventually were running rings around our opponents. Ara scored the equaliser from a brilliant free kick conversion, Kheang drilled one through to take the lead, and Ara finished off another seamless passage of play to bring up his second goal. D.J. United gave one last (Mc)flurry and scored late in the match, but their time-wasting tactics early in the second half came back to haunt them, as they eventually ran out of time in the finish.

Full time: 4-3 (Ara 2, Kheang, Thanh)

It was a particularly memorable victory to savour, as both sides displayed a tremendous, gutsy effort throughout the entire match (the All Hacks metaphorically, D.J. United literally).

7 - Anisha
6 - "Default"
5 - Kheang
4 - Ara
3 - Thanh
2 - Masum
1 - Ajay, Maal, Moe

Captivated by the historic occasion, Melbourne sent the Socceroos off to Germany in the best fashion possible with a rousing farewell. In front of over 90,000 passionate fans at the MCG, the Socceroos defeated Greece in their last warm-up match in Australia in preparation for the 2006 FIFA World Cup. Meanwhile, on a miserably freezing weeknight in front of tumbleweeds, the All Hacks faced off against a team also with some Greek heritage, in a match otherwise dubbed as: "Geeks vs Greeks".

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Justin (GK), Maal, Masum, Thanh

With only four players arriving at the scheduled kick-off, the All Hacks were behind on player numbers on the field, and were soon also behind on the scoreboard, conceding the first goal while Justin was still defrosting as goalkeeper. However, the All Hacks' fortunes completely changed soon after when Masum entered the field to even the numbers. The All Hacks began to seize control of the match, and equalised midway through the first half after a string of passes ended up with Maal who honoured Thanh's lead, leaving Thanh to convert with an instinctive strike in the right corner. The All Hacks dominated the rest of the half, with Maal and Anisha intercepting ill-directed passes from the opposition and punishing their errors with blistering goals. Masum capped off a terrific first half from the All Hacks, converting a penalty to give the All Hacks a 5-2 lead at half-time.

The All Hacks continued to run rampant in the second half, and Ajay joined in on the goal feast by amazingly threading the ball from an extremely acute angle into the goal. Maal worked tirelessly at both ends of the field: blocking a shot from the opposition at one moment, then creating scoring opportunities for him and his teammates at the next passage of play. Anisha finished the All Hacks' procession by scoring his fourth goal of the match.

11 - Anisha
6 - "Default"
5 - Kheang
4 - Ara, Thanh
3 - Maal, Masum
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

Hampered by university exams, work commitments, and the quadrennial affliction known as World Cup-itis decimating our number of available players on the All Hacks' roster, the All Hacks broke the "break in case of emergency" glass seal which had previously shielded Adrian from the rigours of indoor soccer, and much to his reluctance, the All Hacks had a full complement of players for this round's match. Khar also made a surprise appearance to add some spark to our attacking plays.

Round #11 (11/06/06) - All Hacks vs Yemazel

Squad: Adrian, Ajay, Justin (GK), Khar, Maal, Masum, Thanh

Being a low-profile charity organisation masquerading as a lower-profile soccer team, the All Hacks were donated a goal early in the first half, after an opposition defender had made an illegal back-pass. Khar celebrated his return to the All Hacks by confidently slotting the penalty past the goalkeeper to put the All Hacks one goal up. However, our opponents' generosity ended at that moment, and became incredibly frugal from then on. With brutish force, Yemazel piled on the next four goals from missile-like strikes that exposed our fragility in defence.

In the second half, the All Hacks were awarded our second penalty after our opponents committed another goalkeeping mistake. Masum nervelessly converted the penalty to narrow the deficit to two goals. With both teams tiring towards the latter stages of the match, numerous gaps began to appear in the defensive end of both teams. Unfortunately, the All Hacks couldn't capitalise on several point-blank opportunities to score, and our frustrations were most evident when Ajay received the dubious honour of becoming the first All Hacks player ever to receive a yellow card, and subsequently sin-binned for two minutes, after negligently waving his arms to hinder the opposition goalkeeper's throw-in.

Sometime in between World Cups, FIFA have developed a sense of fashion, and like its most popular exponent of the beautiful game, David Beckham, FIFA have also turned metrosexual, with the "Golden Boot" award being renamed the "Golden Shoe" award. Thus, to comply with FIFA standards...

11 - Anisha
6 - "Default"
5 - Kheang
4 - Ara, Masum, Thanh
3 - Maal
2 - Ajay
1 - Khar, Moe

Inspired by the Socceroos' heroic achievements in Germany at the World Cup, the All Hacks, and the rest of xenophobic Anglo-Australia, jumped aboard the Aussie "world football" (the term "soccer" temporarily not in the Aussie lexicon) bandwagon driven by our PM John Howard, and were keen to replicate all the skills displayed by our heroes on German soil, minus the writhing in agony along the pitch to fool the referee into awarding a free kick, and the sissy tantrums in front of the referee after being booked for "simulating".

Squad: Anisha, Harinder, Justin (GK), Khar, Maal, Masum, Thanh

Prior to kick-off, Masum revealed that he had previously been acquainted with our opponents off the field at the local KFC restaurant. Just like Colonel Sanders keeping his 11 herbs and spices all to himself, our opponents (former/current employees at KFC) had no idea of the secret ingredient needed to defeat the All Hacks. Conversely, it was the All Hacks' plays and passes that were as slick as the layer of grease coated on the faces of all KFC employees.

The All Hacks relentlessly bombarded our opponents' goal early in the first half, and only a flurry of saves from the opposing goalkeeper and deflections off the goal posts prevented the All Hacks from scoring the opening goal. Anisha and Khar combined well up in attack, with the rest of the team keeping them well fed with inviting, whetting passes. After dominating most of the first half, the All Hacks were rewarded for their efforts after Khar snapped up an opportunity in front of goal to score in the latter stages of the first half.

In the second half, the All Hacks continued where they left off, and like fast-food service in theory, the All Hacks were mechanical and efficient (and paid less than minimum wages) in practice. Khar booted his second goal early in the second half, and any attempts of a comeback from our opponents were quickly swallowed up in defence by Harinder and Maal. Sensing our opponents' resistance waning, Anisha first shimmied, then pulverised our opponents with three fantastic goals to notch up his personal milestone of scoring 50 goals for the All Hacks, and with that, delivered a wholesome and satisfying victory to the All Hacks.

For the first time in 35 previously completed matches, in a tremendously resolute defensive display, the All Hacks were able to keep a clean sheet! Congrats!

14 - Anisha
6 - "Default"
5 - Kheang
4 - Ara, Masum, Thanh
3 - Khar, Maal
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

The Socceroos' ill-fated World Cup campaigns of past and present share some remarkable similarities to the history of the All Hacks... moments of brilliance and elation, overshadowed by dodgy referee decisions, ultimately ending in heartbreaking tragedy. However, just like the never-say-die Socceroos, the resilient All Hacks keep coming back for more, riding the rollercoaster wave of emotions week after week. Still mourning the devastating exit of the Socceroos at the World Cup, a deflated and understrength All Hacks unit faced their most daunting opponent so far this season: top of the ladder, C.C.

Squad: Justin (GK), Justin A., Khar, Kheang, Masum, Thanh

After keeping a clean sheet last match, Justin this match paid tribute to Zeljko Kalac for his vintage performance, by immediately replicating his mentor's trademark howler by fumbling an innocuous strike from the opposition, and watching on helplessly as the ball rolled into the goal. Things went from bad to worse for Justin, who used his face soon after to save a full-blooded strike. Momentarily dazed and nursing a sore head - since the ball is round, and the Asian nose is flat - thankfully no other facial features were harmed, other than a bruised ego. After an eventful start, the match settled down into a more accustomed tempo and the All Hacks began to string together some searching passes and created several great opportunities to score. Unfortunately, the All Hacks couldn't capitalise on their positive play and trailed 2-nil at half-time.

In the second half, C.C. grounded their way to a commanding position, and took full advantage of our lapses in defence. Despite this, the All Hacks continued to create genuine chances to score in attack, with only remarkable and unconventional goalkeeping from the extra padding of the generously rotund opposition goalkeeper deflecting our best attacking plays. In the closing stages of the match, the All Hacks finally penetrated through the "layer upon layer" goalkeeper, when Khar continued his recent purple patch in front of goal and the ever-consistent Thanh bobbed up in attack to add some respectability to the scoreline. Some very soft defending late in the match by the All Hacks flattered the final margin for our opponents.

14 - Anisha
6 - "Default"
5 - Kheang, Thanh
4 - Ara, Khar, Masum
3 - Maal
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

After watching over 50 World Cup matches over the past few weeks with toothpicks holding our eyes open, the All Hacks were hypnotically mesmerised by the amazing skills on display at Germany 2006. Unfortunately, this had dire consequences for this round's clash against fellow top four aspirants, F.C. Bobby.

Squad: Ara, Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Thanh

The All Hacks leapt to a 2-nil lead early in the first half, after Thanh and Ara combined superbly in attack to score well-struck goals. After such a brilliant start, echoing the words of a remorseful Rex Hunt, "Geez, how good is this?", the All Hacks unfortunately got carried away by the moment. With our egos being more inflated than the soccer ball, the All Hacks attempted to make fancy passes in attack, whilst neglected to pay due respect to our opponents in defence, who countered with deadly accuracy. With Ara remaining a real threat in attack, the All Hacks levelled the scores at 4-all on the verge of the half-time siren.

The All Hacks were on the back foot in the second half, after F.C. Bobby took the lead after again exposing our shaky defence. In search for the equaliser, the All Hacks regrouped and mounted a strong challenge against our opponents. After a few full-blooded shots from Maal unluckily rebounded off the framework, the All Hacks finally equalised from a scintillating free kick from Ara. With less than four minutes to go and now searching for a last-ditch match-winning effort, in a Guus Hiddink-inspired strategic substitution, Harinder's defensive solidarity was sacrificed for Kheang's potential attacking prowess. However, the tactic gloriously back-fired on the All Hacks, as we conceded three goals in three minutes, and slumped to another defeat and now find ourselves in danger (for better or worse) of missing the top four finals.

14 - Anisha
8 - Ara
6 - Thanh, "Default"
5 - Kheang
4 - Khar, Masum
3 - Maal
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

As the unofficial curtain-raiser to the World Cup Final, the All Hacks were keen to arrest our late season form slump and revive our hopes (or disappointments) of finishing in the top four.

Squad: Harinder, Justin (GK), Khar, Kheang, Maal, Thanh

In a tense struggle throughout the first half, both teams exchanged several genuine chances to score, however both defences were holding firm. The All Hacks wrestled a narrow advantage leading into half-time, with a wonderful goal by Khar separating the teams at half-time.

Seconds after the resumption of play for the second half, the All Hacks surrendered their hard-fought lead, with a fast counter-attack and long range pass from Shaolin Soccer catching our defence off-guard and isolating their striker in front of goal, who deftly headed the ball over Justin's out-stretched arms for the equaliser. Soon after, the All Hacks succumbed to another fast counter-attack and suddenly found ourselves trailling 2-1. Stubborn defending by Harinder and Maal snuffed out further chances for Shaolin Soccer to score, and the All Hacks mounted an inspired comeback. Khar calmly converted a penalty, and after several twists and pirouettes mesmerised our opponents, Maal struck a brilliant goal to put the All Hacks back in the lead. However, Shaolin Soccer equalised soon after following a soft turnover in defence that cost the All Hacks possession and ultimately a goal.

Both teams threw everything into searching for the match-winning goal, with Thanh feeling aggrieved after being on the wrong end of some physical exchanges (perhaps also "turkey-slapped") with our opponents. With the match seemingly destined to end in a draw, the All Hacks were awarded a controversial penalty (well... penalties are always contentious if you are the victim, but no complaints in this case!) in the final minute of the match, after our opposition goalkeeper was deemed to have lunged for the ball beyond his goalkeeping zone. Without hesitation, Kheang stepped up to the penalty spot and drilled the ball past the goalkeeper, and the All Hacks recorded another characteristically gritty victory.

14 - Anisha
8 - Ara
6 - Khar, Kheang, Thanh, "Default"
4 - Maal, Masum
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

After hearing of Marcello Lippi's shock resignation following guiding the Azzurri to their World Cup triumph, the All Hacks made a quick dash to Italy in a bid to lure Lippi's services as our head coach. But along the way, we stumbled across the former chief executive and general manager of Juventus, and we had a nice, little conversation about the subtle art of influencing match outcomes...

Round #16 (16/07/06) - All Hacks vs D.J. United

Squad: Harinder, Jeff, Justin (GK), Khar, Kheang, Maal, Thanh

In the penultimate round of the regular season, the All Hacks were up against a new-look, slim-line D.J. United outfit, a team also in contention for a top-four position. Without any substitutes to call upon in the first half, the All Hacks maintained a solid defensive structure, with our opponents barely having an opportunity to score. In the closing stages of the first half, both sides exchanged penalty opportunities, with Kheang converting our spot kick and giving the All Hacks a well-deserved lead right on half-time.

Harinder arrived in time for the second half, and he recruited his work and drinking colleague, Jeff, an experienced import from the semi-professional English leagues. After a tight tussle in the first half, the match opened up in the second half, with some clever passing and freakish shots from our opponents penetrating through our defence. Jeff added some much-needed toughness to our team and intimidatory pressure on our opponents, and bustled pass several opponents en route to a terrific goal on debut. However, D.J. United seized control of the match midway through the second half, and despite our best efforts, the All Hacks couldn't find a way around our wide-framed opponents, and the All Hacks fell one goal short.

14 - Anisha
8 - Ara
7 - Kheang
6 - Khar, Thanh, "Default"
4 - Maal, Masum
2 - Ajay
1 - Jeff, Moe

Despite our best endeavours to manufacture a fifth place finish and a smoother passage into the finals series, other results in the league conspired against us, and instead, barring any other suspicious results, the All Hacks would participate in the top four finals series regardless of the result of this round's match. However, third place was still mathematically up for grabs, hence, the All Hacks decided pre-match to give it our 110%, and quash any rumours of "tanking" the match (although mathematically, by definition, no one can give more than 100%).

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Harinder, Jeff, Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Thanh

In the final match of the regular season, the All Hacks were scheduled to play against Golden Greeks, the cellar-dwellers of Division 4/5, however, like the construction industry of Greece for the Athens 2004 Olympics, they failed to complete the season as scheduled, and instead, the All Hacks faced an assortment of novice players from different ethnicities who represented the Golden Greeks with pride and (dis)honour.

After a terrific debut last match, Jeff continued his seamless transition into the All Hacks' style of play, and was on the end of a string of passes to score the opening goal of the match. The All Hacks were in cruise control for most of the match, and at half-time comfortably led 4-1 with Anisha and Kheang also scoring in the first half. In the second half, Maal entered his name in the score sheet with an amazing goal from deep in right corner of the field. Still coming to terms with the (at times) pedantic rules of the game, our opponents conceded a total of five penalties in the match. Jeff converted both of his spot kick attempts with great calm, however, Kheang's three penalty attempts resulted in great calamity. After squandering several chances to score while being one-on-one with the opposition goalkeeper, coupled with three missed penalty conversions, Kheang was unceremoniously dragged from the field in the final stages of the match. Jeff and Anisha both notched up a hat-trick of goals for the match, and the All Hacks displayed great sequences of play that hopefully were just glimpses of what more may come in the upcoming finals series.

Despite being a team of novices, our opponents still managed at times to make our defence look amateurish, however thankfully great blocks and intercepts while deep in defence from Maal denied our opponents from several more scoring opportunities. Heading into a challenging finals campaign, we must all remember that despite our attacking prowess, each player still has a defensive obligation to guard an opponent on the field, and better teams will capitalise and punish us for our lack of discipline in defence.

17 - Anisha
8 - Ara, Kheang
6 - Khar, Thanh, "Default"
5 - Jeff, Maal
4 - Masum
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

Firstly, some housekeeping issues. During last round's match, in amongst Jeff and Anisha's goal spree, as well as Kheang's misfired penalty attempts, the All Hacks registered their 500th official goal. Congratulations!!! Our victory last round leap-frogged the All Hacks into third position at the end of the regular season, giving us a minor advantage into the elimination semi-final, whereby a draw would be enough to see us progress through to the Preliminary Final.

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Harinder, Justin (GK), Khar, Kheang, Maal, Masum, Thanh

Most of our squad members for this season returned to make their impact on our finals campaign, including Masum, who descended from his comfy alpine, champagne-sipping, ski-resort chalet for one last hurrah, announcing that he would be retiring (again) from the All Hacks after the semi-final, due to his addiction to ice (snow style), and also to prepare for a minor leg procedure otherwise known as a total knee reconstruction.

The defence of both teams reigned supreme in the first half, with each side having only limited opportunities to score. It took a moment of divine brilliance from Anisha to separate the teams in the first half, as he mesmerised our opponents (and our teammates) by nonchalantly controlling the ball past several opponents and threading it with the out-step of his right foot into the goal. Holding a narrow 1-nil lead at half-time, unfortunately, the All Hacks once again fell into another post-half-time lapse, conceding the next three goals of the match.

Trailing 3-1 and with five minutes left, the All Hacks threw caution to the wind, making last ditch attacking substitutions in the hope of salvaging our season. Our opponents' over-aggressive style of play and constant whinging did not go unnoticed by the referee, who awarded the All Hacks a penalty after our opponents conceded their fifth foul of the second half. Anisha converted the spot kick, and the All Hacks wrestled back the momentum and ascendancy of the match. D.J. United's second-half surge took its toll on their bulky bodies, and they resorted to time-wasting, defensive back-passes to protect their lead. However, their negative tactics only served as a catalyst to the All Hacks' monumentous comeback. Khar scored the crucial equaliser, and Anisha pounced on loose possessions and with lethal instinct, drilled two more goals. In the end, the All Hacks remarkably scored 4 goals in the final 5 minutes to keep our season alive.

21 - Anisha
8 - Ara, Kheang
7 - Khar
6 - Thanh, "Default"
5 - Jeff, Maal
4 - Masum
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

In an evening where by the end of it, would possibly realise the All Hacks' greatest moment in our team's history, we were preparing ourselves for a potentially long evening, whereby our fitness and stamina would be tested by playing two matches virtually back-to-back on our journey to the Premiership. Ara temporarily abandoned his country outpost (adding further pressure to the crisis of the long waiting queues in regional hospitals) and made a mercy dash to be a part of our life-or-death finals, while Jeff made a scheduled stopover to the All Hacks' finals in between pub crawls. A plea for crowd support yielded a record number of four supporters to cheer us on.

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Ara, Harinder, Jeff, Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Thanh

By finishing in third position after the regular season, the All Hacks needed a victory to earn a place in the Grand Final (a draw would see our opponents through). In a closely contested first half, the All Hacks always looked comfortable in possession and held a well-deserved 2-nil lead at half-time, with Anisha and Jeff scoring first half goals. Early in the second half, the All Hacks bolted away to a 4-nil lead, with superb goals from Ara and Maal along the right flank, and seemed to be cruising into the Grand Final. With 8 minutes left, an illegal back-pass from Anisha gave our opponents a sniff of a comeback. Another stinking defensive error minutes later, another goal conceded, and the scoreline narrowed to 4-2.

With the All Hacks in foul trouble after committing 5 fouls in a half, Yemazel converted a penalty to close the margin to only one goal. With 4 minutes left, the match was now delicately in the balance, but the momentum was fully with Yemazel, as they piled on the attacking pressure in the final stages of the match. Fortunately, Yemazel also committed 5 fouls en route to their tremendous comeback, and the All Hacks finally snuffed out the match at the penalty spot, with Anisha nervelessly converting a penalty in the final minute of the match.

With a short break between matches, the All Hacks had a chance to recover and recharge our energy thanks to Ajay smuggling in a few slabs of Powerade that fell off the back of a truck. Jeff listened to some motivational songs on his iPod, Kheang nursed his foot injury, while Anisha opted to put himself under more pressure than on the field by playing high stakes Texas Hold' Em poker.

Squad: Ajay, Anisha, Ara, Harinder, Jeff, Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Thanh

The All Hacks stunned the minor premiers, C.C. right from the onset, after Maal surged forward and scored the first goal of the match inside two minutes after the kick-off. The All Hacks raced away to a 3-nil lead midway through the first half, with goals to Anisha and a brilliant header from Thanh, the first ever goal registered from a header in the All Hacks' history. However, the All Hacks undid most of their courageous, hard-fought efforts by conceding two goals in the final 90 seconds of the first half.

In the opening minute of the second half, C.C. equalised from a long range blistering strike, and the All Hacks' stranglehold on the match had suddenly slipped away in a matter of moments. Whereas the All Hacks of yesteryear would crumble in these circumstances, the All Hacks circa 2006 held firm under the intense pressure, and rebuilt their defensive formation. Midway through the second half, in a play which ultimately was the turning point of the match, Jeff pounced on a short, errant pass from C.C. deep in their defence, and without breaking stride, Jeff sweetly struck the ball into the top left corner of the goal to break the tense deadlock. In the decisive final quarter of the match, Anisha rose to the occasion, and turned on a clinical display of champagne football by scoring three goals in rapid succession. Toying with C.C.'s defenders and goalkeeper, Anisha lured them helplessly out of position, then gently caressed the ball past our opponents into the goal. Despite our high foul count, which resulted in two goals being conceded via penalties, the All Hacks' survived the final minutes, and in the end, celebrated our first "A"-grade Premiership!

In our auspicious eighth season, the All Hacks were crowned Division 4 Premiers! Congratulations to everyone involved in our most triumphant season ever! Thank you all for sacrificing and devoting so much of your time, efforts and most importantly, cash, week-in week-out, all for this particular moment! After 4 years, 8 seasons, 82 players, 141 matches, 522 goals ... "HERE IT IS!!!"

27 - Anisha
9 - Ara
8 - Kheang
7 - Jeff, Khar, Maal, Thanh
6 - "Default"
4 - Masum
2 - Ajay
1 - Moe

Anisha, the recipient of the "Golden Shoe" Award, for being the leading goal scorer for the season.

Ajay, the recipient of the "White Line Fever" Award. Dr. Jekyll off the field, but Mr. Hyde on the field, Ajay was the only nomination for this award, after being the first All Hacks player with the dubious (dis)honour of being sent off the field for an indiscretion.

Harinder, the recipient of the "P.I.M.P. (Professional-Inviter-of-Memorable-Players)" Award. After recruiting Anisha and Moe into the team in past seasons, Abi finally hands over this award to Harinder, who recruited Jeff this season.