"These newsletters are starting to become nag sessions, where I bear all my grievances…" - Justin

For upcoming fixtures, past newsletters, our illustrious history and more…

Season 7 Record

Matches Played: 17
Matches Won: 2
Matches Lost: 15
Matches Drawn: 0
Goals For: 41
Goals Against: 83
Goal Difference: -42
Bonus Points: 9
Total Points: 15

Points System:
Win = 3 points
Draw = 1 point
Bonus Point = 3 + 2 goals

Overall Record

Matches Played: 121
Matches Won: 48
Matches Lost: 63
Matches Drawn: 10
Goals For: 437
Goals Against: 475
Goal Difference: -38

Season-by-Season

Final position at the end of each season:

1 (2002): Div 6 - Last
2 (2002): Div 7 - Third
3 (2003): Div 5 - Fourth
4 (2003): Div 5 - Second
5 (2004): Div 6 - Premiers
6 (2005): Div 5 - Third
7 (2005): Div 3 - Last

"Platinum Moccasin"

More prestigious than the seasonal "Golden Boot" award, this honour is bestowed upon the player who has kicked the most number of goals in the brief, yet illustrious history of the All Hacks!

60 - Kheang
49 - Alan
38 - Anisha
36 - Adrian
32 - Ajay
28 - Thanh
27 - Moe
21 - Ara
18 - Maal
17 - Sung
14 - Sophal
13 - Justin
11 - Alain
9 - Francis
8 - Lek, Masum
6 - Daniel, "Default"
5 - Chi, Sam
4 - Khar
3 - Peter, Shan
2 - Alex, Gerald, Tuan
1 - Abi, David, Harinder, Ian, Justin A., Mak, Ngo, Siwei, Soliman, Steve (II)

The "Dunce Cap"

Like the "baggy green" of the Australian cricket team, the All Hacks also have their own traditional head accessory, the "dunce cap".

Each cap is numbered to represent the order in which each individual has played for the All Hacks.

Where does your favourite player stand in the proud history of the All Hacks?

01 - Alain (0,26)
02 - Francis (0,32)
03 - Huy (0,3)
04 - Ian (0,12)
05 - Justin (17,115)
06 - Keong (0,43)
07 - Peter (0,43)
08 - Shaun (0,26)
09 - Sung (0,63)
10 - Adrian (13,91)
11 - Chi (0,11)
12 - Danny (0,19)
13 - Gerald (0,5)
14 - Justin (Scrub) (0,3)
15 - Simon (0,3)
16 - Nick (0,3)
17 - Shan (0,5)
18 - Alex (0,2)
19 - Alan (3,33)
20 - Rob (0,3)
21 - Jonathan (0,1)
22 - Masum (0,21)
23 - Marco (0,3)
24 - Thanh (16,98)
25 - Sam (0,4)
26 - Sandy (0,2)
27 - Siwei (0,1)
28 - Abhrajit (Abi) (0,16)
29 - Ajay (0,44)
30 - Mak (0,1)
31 - Fong (0,2)
32 - Kheang (16,49)
33 - Maal (0,28)
34 - Justin A. (11,25)
35 - Sophal (7,18)
36 - Tuan (0,1)
37 - Wai (0,3)
38 - Ara (0,22)
39 - Eric (0,1)
40 - John (1,2)
41 - Steven (0,1)
42 - Anisha (0,17)
43 - Pin (0,1)
44 - David (0,2)
45 - Patrick (0,1)
46 - Lek (0,11)
47 - Kin (0,4)
48 - Steve (0,1)
49 - Ngo (0,2)
50 - David X. (0,1)
51 - Mov (0,4)
52 - Khar (4,7)
53 - Binny (0,1)
54 - Eric (II) (0,1)
55 - Jomini (0,2)
56 - Harinder (11,23)
57 - Ping (0,2)
58 - Rob (II) (0,2)
59 - Cooma (0,1)
60 - Moe (3,14)
61 - Daniel (0,3)
62 - Edward (1,1)
63 - Ben (1,1)
64 - Steve (II) (1,1)
65 - Danny (II) (1,1)
66 - Chester (1,1)
67 - Hubert (1,1)
68 - Nick (II) (1,1)
69 - Patrick (II) (1,1)
70 - Sunny (1,1)
71 - Ali (1,1)
72 - Aries (1,1)
73 - Eros (1,1)
74 - Poseidon (1,1)
75 - Soliman (1,1)
76 - Levent (1,1)

Our Sister Club?

They've won only six games in three years, are lucky if 100 people turn up to watch the team's weekly trials, while the players earn the princely sum of £20 ($49) each.

Welcome to East Stirling FC - Britain's worst professional soccer team.

In 21 matches this season, the club, based in Falkirk, Scotland, has won only twice, clinched 12 points, and found the net 19 times while leaking 52 goals at the other end.

Last season, it finished bottom of the table, winning just twice in 33 games - a return of eight points out of a possible 108. The previous campaign was equally discouraging; bottom place again, winning two games and 13 points.

Formed in November 1881, when the Bainsford Bluebonnets cricket team decided to form the Bainsford Britannia football team, East Stirling was adopted as its name. The club's moment of glory came seven years later, in 1888, when it reached the quarter-finals of the Scottish Cup, only to lose to Celtic. Since then it has been largely downhill.

"We do our duty stoically," said Ian Ramsay, the head of the supporters' club. "The season was quite painful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We are not competing. This cannot continue. A hundred people - that's what we are down to for home games. After two seasons of pure crap, I'm amazed we've still got 100 fans," Ramsay told The Scotsman newspaper.

Things were not helped when the club decided to slash wages by £10 ($24) a week from an already humble £30 ($72).

Despite its woeful form, East Stirling survives partly because there is no automatic relegation from the Scottish third division.

But there are signs the powers-that-be are becoming exhausted with the constant humiliations and are pondering introducing enforced re-election for any team that finishes bottom of the third division for two successive seasons.

Chairman Alan Mackin said the team's record was caused partly by running the club within its means. "We are the only team in Scotland that has faced the facts and tried to live within our means," he said. "We are the only team that's had the guts."

Comments please!

"As a former professional web designer, I commend the quality of your website in all technical and aesthetic considerations. Inspirational. Congratulations." - Shaun

Constructive or abusive comments appreciated at:

All Hacks FC

Season Winter/Spring 2005

Welcome to the All Hacks' seventh season of Indoor Soccer. By virtue of finishing in third position last season, the All Hacks have earned themselves a "probationary" promotion into Division 3. Like a double-edged sword, the good news is that Division 3 is the highest league the All Hacks have ever participated in, however, the bad news is that we will face sterner opponents in a higher league and victories, if any at all, may be very hard to come by.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A., Khar, Kheang, Thanh

To paraphrase a David Attenborough nature documentary: "In evolution, after the change of a season, the offspring leaves the relative comfort of its motherly nest, and ventures into the wild blue yonder to fend for itself." In the season opener, Moe, the once prized All Hacks recruit, left the All Hacks in search for greener pastures with his original team, Veterans. The All Hacks were left to fend for themselves, as we temporarily parted company with Moe and Daniel in amicable terms. Perhaps, it was more reminiscent of the ancient Greek tragedy, Oedipus Rex, where Oedipus grows up to kill his father, to then marry his own mother (ok, maybe not that extreme).

Although having more possession of the ball, Veterans were unable to capitalise their dominance on the scoreboard, with our defence holding firm for much of the first half. The All Hacks looked most threatening on the counterattack, and had the opportunity to take the lead against the run of play in the opening minutes of the first half, after Harinder was awarded a penalty. After barraging his way through to the attacking zone, Harinder realised that he had no where to go but into the boundary netting, and did just enough to convince the referee that he had received a slight nudge into the netting. Unfortunately, an off-season layoff lasting one week upset Kheang's penalty conversion routine, resulting in a misdirected strike missing the target altogether. In the final minutes of the first half, the All Hacks finally succumbed to the pressure applied by Veterans, and trailled 1-nil at half-time.

After a long day's toil at the golf course, consisting of relaxing strolls along lush fairways, Kheang was given a breather and had a stint as goalkeeper in the second half, making some incredible saves to keep the All Hacks in the match. However, in the space of a few minutes, Veterans managed to score two quick goals, and it seemed the floodgates were about to open. However, the All Hacks showed plenty of resolve, and had fluent attacking passages of their own. The All Hacks' hard efforts were rewarded when Adrian bobbed up in attack and scored a goal. Khar also found some space in attack and created a few chances to score. With Kheang recovering in the goalkeeping position, Justin was let loose on the field of play, and remarkably had a "shot on target" statistic to his name, with a well-executed one-two play involving Justin and Thanh being only thwarted by the diving opposition goalkeeper. In the end, the All Hacks lacked the presence of a presenting striker in attack, but were gallant in defeat.

With the All Hacks currently in the same league as Veterans, this raises the question of whether Moe and Daniel will also play for us, despite the All Hacks and Veterans being fellow competitors in Division 3. Perhaps the answer is: "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."

1 - Adrian

On a not quite midwinter night's dream, Justin's 100th match milestone was marked with little fanfare, befitting of the All Hacks' no-frills approach to everything in life.

Squad: Edward, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A., Khar, Kheang, Thanh

Edward, from Roadkill, made a brief cameo appearance for the All Hacks, before Harinder arrived fashionably late to take his place on the field. The All Hacks began in a frenetic pace, with surging plays in attack finished off in style with goals to Kheang and Khar in the first half. However, Red Suns were able to isolate one-on-one contests in their attacking forays, and scored an equaliser just seconds before half-time.

Red Sun's cross-court long passes continually troubled the All Hacks, and consequently, exposed our defence to take the lead early in the second half. In a bid to intercept a lofted pass from Red Suns, Khar entered into our goalkeeper zone and conceded a penalty. Delaying the penalty strike as long as legitimately possible, Justin was able to save the strike from the hesitant striker. Khar made amends for his adventurous shenanigans and calmly slotted in a goal to put the All Hacks back on level terms. Unfortunately, the All Hacks' high intensity style of play exerted during the first three quarters of the match finally took its toll on the wearying bodies of the All Hacks' twenty-somethings, with our defence lapsing in crucial plays late in the second half. The All Hacks were involved in yet another bitter, but competitive defeat, however, we were at least able to salvage a bonus point from the match.

2 - Khar
1 - Adrian, Kheang

After an extensive and exhaustive search/plea for players, the All Hacks could only muster four starting players. Our recruitment engineer, Abi, with his exquisite skills in pimpology, was called upon to lure as many players as he could at the venue to fill up our skeleton-like squad.

Squad: Adrian, Ben, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Thanh

Abi was successful in persuading Ben, from Clayton Pride, to expend some of his energy to the All Hacks' sorrowful plight. Ben was stationed in defence, and played out a solid game in the sweeper position. The match commenced with the All Hacks and Haka only fielding five players on the field. Haka, with a plethora of experience in the intermediate divisions, controlled the tempo of play with long, accurate passes easily finding their intended targets. Haka raced to a 3-nil lead midway through the first half, before Justin A. entered into the fray. From that point, the All Hacks had the advantage of fielding an extra player on the field, and were able to stem the haemorrhaging in defence, with scores remaining 3-nil to Haka at half-time.

The All Hacks created numerous chances to score, but blew their opportunities through inaccuracy and hesitancy in taking the final, decisive strike. However, Justin A. was able to earn the All Hacks a penalty, which was converted by Kheang. The All Hacks rallied in the second half, and with crisp passes, found gaps in Haka's defence. Kheang struck his second goal of the match, becoming the first All Hacks player to score 50 career goals. Another series of passes ended with Thanh charging along the left flank, then calmly slotting the ball through for a goal. Incredibly, the All Hacks were only trailling 5-3 midway through the second half. However, Haka steadied and regained control of the match, with two more goals in the latter stages of the match ending the brief, but encouraging All Hacks second half surge.

3 - Kheang
2 - Khar
1 - Adrian, Thanh

After 107 previously unsuccessful attempts, the All Hacks' regular, ritualistic pre-match routine of making prayers and sacrificing our souls were finally answered, with Justin receiving a call half an hour before kick-off with the extraordinary news that our opponents had forfeited the match, thus handing the match on a platter to the All Hacks without even a ball kicked in anger.

Squad: Adrian, Justin, Khar, Kheang

Little did our opponents, Gigantor, know that the All Hacks were also struggling to field a full team, with only four players arriving at the venue at the scheduled kick-off time. So I guess the moral of the story is: "Despite being rank underdogs, always turn up to the match, 'cos if we prey hard enough, anything can happen." Also: "No matter how much we train during the week in between matches, you can never prepare yourself for a walkover - so I guess the point is, never practise...?"

Although it may seem a hollow victory, the All Hacks have finally registered our first "win" of the season. So, savour these moments no matter how we get them, as we may be waiting a long time for another default/win.

From The Simpsons, episode "Deep Space Homer":
NASA Executive: (sigh) Well, Homer. I guess you're the winner by default.
Homer: (jubilant) De-fault! The two sweetest words in the English language.

3 - Kheang, "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Adrian, Thanh

It is now apparent that our season breakthrough victory by default last round was both a blessing and a curse in disguise. The win last round unfortunately gave the All Hacks enough points to remain in Division 3, hence narrowly avoiding being ideally relegated to Division 4, the place where the All Hacks undoubtedly do their best work. Alas, it appears that the All Hacks are headed for more heartache on our already tortured souls.

Squad: Adrian, Justin (GK), Justin A., Khar, Kheang, Moe, Steve (II), Thanh

The All Hacks this round faced the runaway leaders of Division 3, Eurovision. On song and on target, Eurovision raced away to a 2-goal lead early in the first half. Stung into action, the All Hacks soon regathered their composure, and were most competitive for the remainder of the first half, until a deft pass in the final minute of the first half sliced through the All Hacks' defence to set up a 3-nil lead to Eurovision at half-time.

In a massive coup for the All Hacks, we were able to snare a future Victorian Premier League player to risk life and limb for the All Hacks' (i.e. a bad career move) in the second half. With the introduction of Steve, our "super-sub" in the second half, the All Hacks strung together fluent passages of play, and created some genuine chances to score. However, despite lifting our work rate in the second half, Eurovision were always one step ahead of the All Hacks, busting their moves and scoring goals at will. Adrian's tireless sprints from defence to attack deservingly earned himself a penalty, which was converted by Kheang. In his cameo appearance for the All Hacks, Moe was also awarded a penalty after he received a hard clip on the ankle from behind. Steve stepped up to the penalty spot and scored his first goal for the All Hacks on debut.

According to the "Premiership Clock" theory, if the All Hacks were at 11 o'clock last season, then in this season of rebuilding and consolidation, the All Hacks are stuck at 1 o'clock this season.

4 - Kheang
3 - "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Adrian, Steve (II), Thanh

After the completion of the first phase of the round-robin season, and largely thanks to our victory by default, the All Hacks find themselves in a tight struggle for a finals berth (4th place) whilst also simultaneously trying to avoid the wooden spoon (6th place).

Squad: Adrian, Chester, Danny (II), Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Thanh

Like a new-born baby abandoned in the front of a stranger's door-step, the All Hacks hoped that someone would be morally obliged to accept our bundle of joy that accompanied a position in the All Hacks' starting line-up. Unfortunately, no-one took up the no-strings-attached carrot that dangled in front of them, and the All Hacks played with one player short in the opening minutes of the match.

Our opponents, Veterans (a.k.a. "Moe plus five"), were not in a charitable mood, and capitalised on our misfortune, charging away to a 2-goal lead early in the first half. Expressing sympathy at the All Hacks' plight, the referee coaxed a player from the omnipresent Rain, to fill in for the All Hacks. Applying the stereotype that "all Asians are superstitious", it was very surprising to see that Danny, our recruit from Rain, was sporting the number "4" on the back of his guernsey. After an inauspicious start, a mix-up in defence involving Danny resulted in Veterans cruising to a 3-goal lead. The patented "All Hacks' counterattack in a seemingly hopeless position" soon ensued, with great positioning by Adrian at the top of the goal face leading to two inspiring goals, clawing the All Hacks back in the contest. Minutes later, Adrian earned the All Hacks a penalty, and amazingly the All Hacks had the chance to be on level terms at half-time. Unfortunately, the goalkeeper saved Kheang's attempted conversion, however the All Hacks were full of optimism at half-time, trailling only by one goal.

The match defining moment occurred at the half-time interval, where another of Rain's massive entourage, Chester, offered to replace Danny's spot in the second half. Some less than convincing defensive passes caught the All Hacks desperately out of position, leading to the concession of several morale-shattering goals in the second half. Having previously revelled (while also being gracious) in our victories against our greatest of Asian rivals, but now having to humbly resort to borrowing players from them, I'll give them the slightest benefit of the doubt that sabotage was not in the air. A common theme in most of our matches, the All Hacks continually created chances to score, especially from intercepting the opposition goalkeeper's throw-ins, but failed to have the composure to convert our chances (present company included). Regardless, the All Hacks fought on valiantly, and in the closing stages of the match, Kheang thundered home a brilliant goal on the run while being harassed by a defender. In the final minute of the match, after the All Hacks yet again had squandered an attacking passage of play, the referee awarded the All Hacks a late penalty, which was converted by Kheang. Our late surge rounded off another match where we fell short on the scoreboard, but we still had some encouraging moments to take home, including a precious bonus point.

6 - Kheang
3 - Adrian, "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Steve (II), Thanh

With both teams propping up the rest of Division 3, just one bonus point separated the All Hacks and Shaolin Soccer. So, in one of the rare moments of this season, the All Hacks carried a hint of blind optimism leading up to this round's match.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Moe, Thanh

As predicted with our previous encounters against other Asian opponents, the All Hacks would have to work overtime to penetrate an impermeable wall of defence, with goals being extremely hard to come by. Our match against Shaolin Soccer was no different, with the All Hacks frustratingly unable to land the final, decisive strike despite controlling much of the play. Shaolin Soccer opened their account towards the latter stages of the first half after the All Hacks conceded a soft penalty in defence.

In the second half, the All Hacks continually found space through the centre corridor, with one-two combinations finding players free in attack. Unfortunately, we couldn't capitalise on our opportunities, with the opposition goalkeeper having the Midas touch in thwarting every All Hacks' shot on goal. Even our once reliable and plentiful source of goals evaporated at the hands of the opposition goalkeeper, with two penalty attempts by Kheang failing to score (or to be politically correct - having "deferred success"). The same could not be said for his counterpart, despite saving a penalty of his own, Justin's deflections and wayward passes led to two goals being conceded in the final minutes of the second half, ultra-costly in a match where goals were at a premium.

With no goal scorers to mention, to hark back to the good ol' school assembly sport reports: "We lost... but everyone played well."

6 - Kheang
3 - Adrian, "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Steve (II), Thanh

With the All Hacks only one game adrift from the rest of the competition in Division 3, we are now virtually unbackable favourites to collect the wooden spoon, for the first time since our inaugural debut season.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder (GK), Hubert, John, Justin, Kheang, Nick (II), Sophal, Thanh

For the innocent by-stander (could there be any other type of by-stander? - Seinfeldism), you could be excused for thinking that Hell had frozen over, as the All Hacks seemingly had metaphorically slept with the enemy, and merged with their arch-rivals, Rain. The All Hacks were forced into this sordid predicament, as half of our team were running late to the match. Unlike our other Rain fill-ins from past matches however, Hubert (a dead ringer for Sherman (the overly-intelligent dog Mr. Peabody's pet boy in Peabody's Improbable History)), John, and Nick did more than was expected of them for the All Hacks' cause.

The All Hacks created countless opportunities to score, with delightful passes finding free targets in front of goal that frustratingly weren't rewarded with much-deserved goals, being only thwarted in the final moment by the opposition goalkeeper and the side posts. Unfortunately, Justin had a "Barry" (as in "Crocker" ... "shocker") of a night as goalkeeper, with elementary saves being met with characteristic fumbles that deflected the ball into our own goal.

Trailling 3-nil at half-time, the All Hacks re-configured their team setup, with Harinder subbing on as goalkeeper for the second half. Our newly-found solidarity in defence reaped immediate rewards upon the resumption of play, with a pressured Red Suns defence coughing up the ball, leading to Sophal latching onto the ball in attack and sweetly striking the first reply from the All Hacks. The All Hacks dominated the match thereafter, creating numerous, well-constructed forays into attack, but again narrowly missed the goal time after time. After umpteen unsuccessful attempts on goal, the All Hacks closed to within one goal of Red Suns in the final minutes of the match, when Adrian turned his opponent inside-out at the top of the goal mouth, and drilled the ball past the goalkeeper. However, the All Hacks' final flurry just fell short, as the final whistle ended a rampaging All Hacks unit at the death.

All hail our incumbent, unflappable, self-indestructible starting goalkeeper, Harinder, swept into power after a bloodless coup dethroned his predecessor!

6 - Kheang
4 - Adrian
3 - "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Sophal, Steve (II), Thanh

Sinking further into the quagmire of Division 3, affectionately known as the "league of death", the All Hacks could see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, as we have finally limped our way past the halfway mark of the season. But the light we saw was that of an oncoming train...

Squad: Adrian, Harinder (GK), Justin, Kheang, Patrick (II), Sophal, Thanh

With Justin A. again being a late withdrawal from the squad due to injury, the All Hacks temporarily borrowed another player from Rain's infinite, mass-produced clones to complete our starting line-up for the opening minutes of the game.

I have tried to suppress the few highlights and many lowlights of the rest of the match, as it was a total shocker for the All Hacks. Despite desperately fighting for every possession, and creating great attacking plays of our own, virtually nothing went right for the All Hacks - disallowed goals, goals that rebounded off the post, missed penalty conversions, yada ... yada ... yada ...

Back to the ol' drawing board. With team morale and motivation at an all-time low, perhaps we need to refocus on our "goals" on and off the field. In management theory, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs explains how people must first satisfy their lower, physiological (primal) needs, before embarking on satisfying more higher, self-actualising needs.

(seems like we'll be stuck at the bottom tier for a while…)

6 - Kheang
4 - Adrian
3 - "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Sophal, Steve (II), Thanh

The following match review will be presented in reverse chronological order, à la the Seinfeld episode: "The Betrayal", and Coldplay's single: "The Scientist".

Squad: Adrian, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Sophal, Sunny, Thanh

The All Hacks were at full flight and ran rampant in the final minutes of the match. Adrian performed his trademark turn-around, fade-away strike at the top of the goal face to secure the All Hacks a rare, and precious double bonus point. With an extra burst of acceleration, Sophal curled the ball past the opposition goalkeeper to score his second goal of the match. After an extended break from the All Hacks, Justin A. returned to the side, lifting his performance, as well as his socks to another level. Reinforced with shin-guards, Justin A. bulldozed his way through the opposition to win territory and possession for the All Hacks. Sunny subbed off after his brief cameo for the All Hacks, but not before conceding the obligatory "debutante entering into the forbidden goalkeeper zone" penalty. Fortunately, Justin was able to block the penalty attempt, trusting his bare hands sans slippery, fungi-breeding gloves. Kheang converted his second penalty of the match, and at the process, resoundingly shrugged the proverbial monkey off his back. Unfortunately, thumping strikes from Eurovision resulted in a total of four goals being conceded on both sides of the half-time interval.

After a plethora of missed conversions this season, and with the monkey firmly clamped on Kheang's back, Kheang stepped up to the penalty spot after the All Hacks were awarded a penalty in the latter stages of the first half. Remarkably, Kheang found his groove back, and finally broke his penalty hoodoo. Thanh dished off a superb pass to Sophal who swivelled around and blasted the ball past the opposition goalkeeper to open the All Hacks' goal account. At this point in time, the reverse scoreline showed the All Hacks were 5-4 in front. Unfortunately, that's where the good news ended/started, as the All Hacks conceded the first seven goals of the match, with the first five goals being conceded when only four players were on the field for the All Hacks. A few days earlier, Thanh skimmed through last round's newsletter, omitting the vital details of the rescheduled kick-off, thus sowed the seeds of the All Hacks' doomed fate.

So is the moral of this week's episode: "Never trust an Asian to be punctual"? No, that's scientific fact. The moral is: "If we can all turn up on time for once this season, then we will undoubtedly be competitive for the entire match".

8 - Kheang
5 - Adrian
3 - Sophal, "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Steve (II), Thanh

The All Hacks were spared from another brutal execution by our opponents for another round, and perhaps for the rest of the season, after being granted an eleventh-hour reprieve with the news that Alan would be making his long awaited comeback for the All Hacks.

Squad: Alan, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Sophal, Thanh

Alan's inclusion into the squad tremendously bolstered our attacking structure. The All Hacks relentlessly bombarded the opposition goalkeeper in the opening minutes of the first half, who was forced to make numerous challenging saves to prevent the All Hacks from taking the lead. The opposition defence finally succumbed when a well-executed strike from Sophal beat the opposition goalkeeper. Kheang's foothold on the coveted All Hacks' Platinum Moccasin was in jeopardy, as Alan (needing only one more goal to bring up his half-century of goals) was on the prowl in attack. Alan's thundering free-kick strike from afar was only centimetres away from notching up the All Hacks' second goal, but unfortunately cannoned onto the cross bar. Veterans equalised towards the latter stages of the first half, after latching onto a turnover deep in our defence.

Veterans managed to scramble a goal early in the second half, with a strike that lofted into the top right corner of our back net. The All Hacks responded with a great individual effort from Sophal, who found his niche along the right flank and created a pathway for him to stroll through for another clinically finished goal. Both sides squandered chances to take the lead in the closing stages of the match. Down to the last 30 seconds of the match, after fending off a late All Hacks' attacking surge, a quick counterattack from Veterans isolated a free striker, who calmly slotted the ball past our diving goalkeeper for the shattering, match-deciding goal. As always in sport, only mere seconds can be the difference between agony and ecstasy (unless if you're in Bali, where the difference can be up to 15 years).

With the All Hacks finding their second wind, there is renewed optimism regarding our fortunes for the remainder of the season. Next round's match against Shaolin Soccer is shaping up to be the proverbial "6-point match", where the losers will almost certainly walk away with the wooden spoon. So not only is Asian pride on the line, but also the ignominy of receiving another wooden spoon. Wood is best placed in the fireplace, not as a display on its adjoining mantelpiece.

8 - Kheang
5 - Adrian, Sophal
3 - "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Steve (II), Thanh

The Solomon Islands' (powerhouses of Oceania) courageous, yet unsuccessful 2006 World Cup campaign DREW to a humble close this week. Unfortunately, the All Hacks (minnows of Division 3) were unable to DRAW any inspiration from the Solomon Islands' slapstick, yet honourable 7-nil defeat to the Socceroos.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder (GK), Justin, Justin A., Kheang, Thanh

In a rather tame first half, the ball bounced around the field and off the players in a random fashion, just like a ball in a pinball machine. Unfortunately, the All Hacks' defence slightly tilted too much in attack, allowing Shaolin Soccer to sneak through a goal in the latter stages of the first half.

The All Hacks changed gears in the second half, and with his signature move - the pirouette with ball in tow and polished strike for a goal - Adrian scored the equaliser for the All Hacks soon after the resumption of play. Shaolin Soccer regained the lead midway through the second half, after a contested passage of play in our defence ended up with Shaolin Soccer "nutmegging" Harinder, i.e. slipping the ball between Harinder's legs for a goal. How many times now have pre-match observations resulted in becoming foreboding prophecies that come back to haunt us (e.g. the "nutmeg" incident, and the "back-pass" fiasco)?! Shaolin Soccer eventually relented under the All Hacks' intense pressure by conceding a penalty, which was duly converted by Kheang. With scores level in the dying minutes of the match, the All Hacks were confronted with their demons from last round's heart-breaking slip-up and last-play defeat. In the last play of the match, trapped in the corner, and with three All Hacks players surrounding him, one of our opponents remarkably found a way to cross the ball to find his teammate totally unopposed in front of goal, and the rest was !@#$%&* history.

In a season where suffering defeats have become more regular than my bowel habits, never underestimate the value of a DRAW. Hindsight is always 20/20, but we should always pay more respect to the time remaining, and learn techniques in running the clock down (which don't include the seconds taken up while fetching the ball back from our own net!).

Anyway, it's not all doom and gloom as it may seem for the All Hacks. Despite the apparent certainty that we will now collect the wooden spoon, there may be a final twist still left in this tumultuous season. The wheels are in (com)motion...

9 - Kheang
6 - Adrian
5 - Sophal
3 - "Default"
2 - Khar
1 - Steve (II), Thanh

Although it may seem hard to believe, some of us actually hold steady jobs during the week, thus adding another statistic to the Australian labour force and GDP figures. While Adrian and Kheang were contributing something of value to society, the unemployed/underemployed/unemployable All Hacks players joined the vacant queue to line-up to play in this round's match (as vacant as a Centrelink employment search enquiries queue), but unfortunately, we didn't receive any concessional benefits from our opponents.

Squad: Alan, Harinder (GK), Justin, Justin A., Moe, Thanh

After making an offer he couldn't refuse, the All Hacks managed to procure the services of Moe for this round's match. Alan also returned to the squad to complete our makeshift striking duo. Unfortunately in the first half, the All Hacks weren't able to feed the ball to our strikers, as Red Suns hounded our goalkeeping throw-ins and intercepted our passes too easily and too frequently for the All Hacks' liking. The All Hacks narrowly missed taking the early lead when Alan's strike clipped the left apex of the goal. However, it was Red Suns who took a 1-nil lead at half-time.

In the second half, a pass from Justin in defence, most aptly described by the morbidly obese "Comic Book Store Guy" from The Simpsons as being: "Worst pass ever", gifted Red Suns with their second goal for the match. Embarrassed by his howling error, Justin made amends with a wild mid-air kick that incredibly made sweet contact with the ball (replace "Justin" with "Steven King", and "the ball" with "Jeff White's face" (Geelong v Melbourne - 2nd Elimination Final 2005), and you get the picture). Guarded by an opponent deep in the left corner, and on the wrong side for a molly-dooker, Justin's swinging kick curled past his opponent and the hands of the goalkeeper for a fortuitous, yet stunning goal.

The All Hacks conceded a penalty midway into the second half, and with vivid memories of last round's match still firmly implanted in his mind, our goalkeeper Harinder was determined not to be "nutmegged" again. Psyching out his antagonist, Harinder brilliantly saved a penalty by repelling the attempted conversion using his hirsute legs. Unfortunately, another soft turnover in defence contributed to the All Hacks conceding their third goal deep into the second half. With tiring and aching bodies, the All Hacks re-structured their line-up, giving Moe a spell as goalkeeper, unleashing Harinder into general play (i.e. mayhem) and moving Justin into the pinch-hitter/cherry-picker role in attack. The reshuffle reinvigorated the All Hacks, with a slick pass from Harinder in the centre temptingly invited Justin to receive the ball while charging into attack, and score the All Hacks' second goal. A great diving save from Moe kept the All Hacks in the contest in the dying minutes of the match, however, the All Hacks' late thrust to find the equaliser again fell agonisingly short.

For the third match in a row, the All Hacks have endured a close, yet morale-shattering 3-2 defeat. Somehow, with creative ingenuity, we keep finding new ways in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

9 - Kheang
6 - Adrian
5 - Sophal
3 - "Default"
2 - Justin, Khar
1 - Steve (II), Thanh

With Adrian exercising the traditional Aussie work privilege of calling up the boss to take a "sickie", the All Hacks were reduced to only five regular squad members for this round's match. Without the ubiquitous Rain to help us out with another All Hacks player shortage, the All Hacks were preying for some divine intervention in the form of borrowing a rib from Adam to create another team member. Instead, we were sent players with suspect links to ancient Greek mythology (Aries - the ram with the golden fleece, Eros - the god of love, and Poseidon - the god of the sea), and Persian royalty ("Prince" Ali and "King" Soliman).

Squad: Ali, Aries, Eros, Harinder (GK), Justin, Justin A., Kheang, Poseidon, Soliman, Thanh

Having someone dubbed Poseidon in our line-up, it was only fitting that the All Hacks were mythically and literally all at sea in the first half. The All Hacks were unable to create any flowing passages of play, compounded by our defence capsizing under Haka's torrential waves of attack. Our topsy-turvy style of play was enough to make anyone watching our match (or reading these rather tenuous sea-related puns) feel nauseous or seasick. Thanh was a beacon of light standing tall and shining bright for the All Hacks in the first half. Directly from a kick-off to restart play after the All Hacks had conceded another goal, Thanh parted the seas like Moses and safely guided the ball through the central corridor totally unopposed, keeping the All Hacks afloat in the contest with a brilliant solo effort goal.

The All Hacks' leaky defence conceded four goals in the first half, and a further two more in the second half. However, the All Hacks kept plugging away at their opponents, with fluent passes finding their intended targets with more regularity in the second half. Thanh booted his second goal of the match with a sharp strike in front of goal, and Soliman capped off an impressive debut match (and most likely his only match) for the All Hacks with a goal. However, the highlight of the match, and the season so far, was Harinder's brilliant solo effort that culminated in his first goal for the All Hacks. Given a brief rest from his goalkeeping duties, Harinder carried the ball from defence to attack all the way along the right flank. Deep in the right corner, Harinder caressed the ball towards goal, with the ball innocuously rolling parallel with the goal line. Somehow, the ball evaded the near post, but clipped the far post to sneak past Haka's stunned goalkeeper and into the back net for a freakish goal. "Centimetre perfect." - Dennis Cometti

9 - Kheang
6 - Adrian
5 - Sophal
3 - Thanh, "Default"
2 - Justin, Khar
1 - Harinder, Soliman, Steve (II)

In the final round of the season, informally dubbed as the season of "the All Hacks' reality check", the yet-to-register-a-victory-(unless-a-victory-by-default-is-considered-a-victory) All Hacks faced another bottom-of-the-ladder versus top-of-the-ladder clash against the undefeated Eurovision. The odds of the All Hacks staging the upset of the season were the same as Molvanîa (a land untouched by modern dentistry) winning the next Eurovision Song Contest.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder (GK), Justin, Kheang, Levent, Sophal, Thanh

With Justin A. on the injury list due to dysphagia (a glorified term for a sore throat) hampering his running and kicking ability, Harinder recruited his former Brazilian Whacks teammate, Levent, into the squad. The first half lived up to all the low expectations the All Hacks carried into the match, and at half-time, the All Hacks were 5-nil in arrears, firmly staring down the barrel at another heavy defeat.

Despite being overwhelmed by Eurovision in our defensive half, the All Hacks continued to create scoring opportunities at the other end of the field. Sophal was in the thick of the action, and was unfortunate to have a goal disallowed from venturing into the goalkeeping zone after his initial strike had defeated the opposition goalkeeper. Adrian earned the All Hacks a penalty after being tackled from behind, and Kheang converted the penalty to score the first goal in his hat-trick performance in the match. Kheang's second goal arose by intercepting a misguided throw-in from Eurovision's goalkeeper, and unopposed in front of goal, gracefully sent the ball back from whence it came. In the final play of the match, Sophal grounded out a penalty after receiving an illegal challenge from behind. With the curtain about to fall to end proceedings, for his final act of the night, Kheang elegantly converted the penalty attempt to notch up an honourable bonus point for the All Hacks.

Unfortunately, despite all our heroic efforts during the season, the All Hacks have collected the "minor wooden spoon". However, not satisfied with just one memento for the season, the All Hacks are in a position to grab another piece of silverware (which doesn't involve a kitchen utensil) to add to our trophy cabinet. The preceding 15 rounds of woe that we have endured are now merely a prelude to the wonders that may evolve over the next two weeks. Although comprehensively missing out on a place in the Division 3 Finals, the All Hacks will be involved in a consolation/relegation finals series, or "anti-finals", to ultimately decide who is the worst team collectively across all divisions.

In the days leading up to our semi-final, the All Hacks undoubtedly will be garnering inspiration from the Fitzroy Lions side of 1916... In 1916, only four teams competed in the VFL/AFL competition. Fitzroy finished last at the end of the home-and-away season, thus receiving the "wooden spoon"; but also made the finals - and went on to win the premiership! Can history repeat itself???

12 - Kheang
6 - Adrian
5 - Sophal
3 - Thanh, "Default"
2 - Justin, Khar
1 - Harinder, Soliman, Steve (II)

With Justin A. still held in quarantine under the suspicion of being infected with avian influenza, after being exposed (or exposing himself) to exotic "birds" of the Orient, the All Hacks were feeling anxious as to whether or not we were able to field a full team for our most important match of the season so far, a knock-out semi-final. However, our pre-match anxieties soon dissipated into relief, and in the end, disbelief...

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Justin, Kheang, Sophal, Thanh

The mere thought of playing against a team in a superior league in a high-stakes play-off match must have sent shivers down our opponents' collective spines, as our semi-final opponents, Godfreys (from Division 4) were a no show. Little did our opponents know that our intimidating 1-14 win-loss record was flattered by a victory achieved from a walkover. After patiently waiting for the clock to tick past the scheduled kick-off time, the All Hacks were finally declared victors by default and progress through unchallenged to the Grand Final. Once again, the All Hacks were denied the rare possibility of actually winning a game off our own boot, and instead had to settle for another victory by default. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

Another showdown against our Division 3 Asian arch-rivals, Shaolin Soccer awaits in the Grand Final. To maximise the value of our "freebie" court hire, the All Hacks arranged an impromptu "friendly" match against our Grand Final opponents, as a tantalising precursor to next week's encounter. However, the mind-games between the teams have already begun in earnest, with the All Hacks carefully plotting and scheming our opponents' downfall by conceded goals at will in our friendly match. Was our lacklustre performance a clever attempt to feign weakness and lull our opponents into complacency and a false sense of security, or are we really that inept as a team? The answer will ultimately be revealed next week, as the season draws to a thrilling conclusion in the Grand Final!

12 - Kheang
6 - Adrian, "Default"
5 - Sophal
3 - Thanh
2 - Justin, Khar
1 - Harinder, Soliman, Steve (II)

Some news from "Tinseltown" to kick-off the final newsletter for 2005, with the whirlwind announcement that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are expecting a baby. Coupled with the news that the All Hacks were into another Grand Final, Tom Cruise was so overjoyed that he was again jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch. So inspite all the speculation about his fertility status, it seems that Tom Cruise was not shooting blanks after all, but unfortunately, the same could not be said about the performance of our strikers in the Grand Final...

Squad: Adrian, Alan, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Sophal, Thanh

Neither team looked particularly threatening in the opening stages of the match, with both teams taking their time to adjust to the rather subdued match tempo. The All Hacks were closely guarding their opponents, however a long range strike from Shaolin Soccer's Grand Final ring-in surprised everyone and pierced through a narrow gap in our defence to give Shaolin Soccer the early lead. The All Hacks replied soon after with a great pass from Kheang finding Sophal in front of goal, who slotted in the equaliser for the All Hacks. Unfortunately, a lapse in defence in the final minute of the first half allowed Shaolin Soccer's Grand Final ring-in to pounce and score Shaolin Soccer's second goal.

Despite applying more attention to Shaolin Soccer's Grand Final ring-in in the second half, the All Hacks couldn't keep him out of the match, as he virtually played a lone hand (or lone left leg) in attack, scoring his hat-trick midway into the second half. However, the All Hacks continued to pluck away at our opponents, and were eventually rewarded with a penalty two minutes from full-time, which was calmly converted by Kheang. The All Hacks staged their trademark, frenetic, do-or-die final minute power play, but so was the story of our season, the All Hacks were left stranded at the final whistle on their bogey scoreline: 2-3.

Despite falling at the final hurdle (and at all other obstacles thrown at us this season), (incredibly) there are some positives to take away from Season 7: "the season the All Hacks had to have" -

• the All Hacks managed to play their way into a "final" despite not really winning a match
• the emergence of a star player, the mysterious player known only as "Default", who effortlessly scored 6 goals in only 2 matches
• the celebration of Kheang's 50th goal for the All Hacks
• the celebration of Harinder's maiden (1st) goal for the All Hacks
• the commiseration after Justin's 100th representative match for the All Hacks
• the re-writing of the All Hacks' record books, with the All Hacks' all-time longest losing streak now extending to 11 matches-in-a-row
• the wooden spoon will come quite handy in cooking up a spaghetti bolognaise sauce

So it seems that Division 3 wasn't quite ready for the All Hacks' "unique" brand of football just yet (and vice versa). Relegation back to our comfort-zone, the last division, should cushion our fall from grace. Many thanks to everyone who participated this season. Enjoy a well-deserved off-season to heal our wounds, nurse our bruised egos, and recharge our flat batteries for another tilt at the premiership next year.