"These newsletters are starting to become nag sessions, where I bear all my grievances…" - Justin

For upcoming fixtures, past newsletters, our illustrious history and more…

Season 6 Record

Matches Played: 18
Matches Won: 11
Matches Lost: 5
Matches Drawn: 2
Goals For: 86
Goals Against: 61
Goal Difference: +25
Bonus Points: 22
Total Points: 70

Points System:
Win = 4 points
Draw = 2 points
Bonus Point = 3 goals

Overall Record

Matches Played: 104
Matches Won: 46
Matches Lost: 48
Matches Drawn: 10
Goals For: 396
Goals Against: 392
Goal Difference: +4

Season-by-Season

Final position at the end of each season:

1 (2002): Div 6 - Last
2 (2002): Div 7 - Third
3 (2003): Div 5 - Fourth
4 (2003): Div 5 - Second
5 (2004): Div 6 - Premiers
6 (2005): Div 5 - Third

"Platinum Moccasin"

More prestigious than the seasonal "Golden Boot" award, this honour is bestowed upon the player who has kicked the most number of goals in the brief, yet illustrious history of the All Hacks!

49 - Alan
47 - Kheang
38 - Anisha
32 - Ajay
30 - Adrian
27 - Moe
25 - Thanh
21 - Ara
18 - Maal
17 - Sung
11 - Alain, Justin
9 - Francis
8 - Lek, Masum, Sophal
6 - Daniel
5 - Chi, Sam
3 - Peter, Shan
2 - Alex, Gerald, Khar, Tuan
1 - Abi, David, Ian, Justin A., Mak, Ngo, Siwei

The "Dunce Cap"

Like the "baggy green" of the Australian cricket team, the All Hacks also have their own traditional head accessory, the "dunce cap".

Each cap is numbered to represent the order in which each individual has played for the All Hacks.

Where does your favourite player stand in the proud history of the All Hacks?

01 - Alain (0,26)
02 - Francis (0,32)
03 - Huy (0,3)
04 - Ian (0,12)
05 - Justin (18,98)
06 - Keong (0,43)
07 - Peter (0,43)
08 - Shaun (0,26)
09 - Sung (3,63)
10 - Adrian (11,78)
11 - Chi (0,11)
12 - Danny (0,19)
13 - Gerald (0,5)
14 - Justin (Scrub) (0,3)
15 - Simon (0,3)
16 - Nick (0,3)
17 - Shan (0,5)
18 - Alex (0,2)
19 - Alan (0,30)
20 - Rob (0,3)
21 - Jonathan (0,1)
22 - Masum (3,21)
23 - Marco (0,3)
24 - Thanh (18,82)
25 - Sam (0,4)
26 - Sandy (0,2)
27 - Siwei (0,1)
28 - Abhrajit (Abi) (2,16)
29 - Ajay (6,44)
30 - Mak (0,1)
31 - Fong (0,2)
32 - Kheang (16,33)
33 - Maal (4,28)
34 - Justin A. (11,14)
35 - Sophal (4,11)
36 - Tuan (0,1)
37 - Wai (0,3)
38 - Ara (4,22)
39 - Eric (0,1)
40 - John (0,1)
41 - Steven (0,1)
42 - Anisha (1,17)
43 - Pin (0,1)
44 - David (0,2)
45 - Patrick (0,1)
46 - Lek (0,11)
47 - Kin (0,4)
48 - Steve (0,1)
49 - Ngo (0,2)
50 - David X. (0,1)
51 - Mov (0,4)
52 - Khar (0,3)
53 - Binny (0,1)
54 - Eric (II) (0,1)
55 - Jomini (2,2)
56 - Harinder (12,12)
57 - Ping (2,2)
58 - Rob (II) (2,2)
59 - Cooma (1,1)
60 - Moe (11,11)
61 - Daniel (3,3)

Our Sister Club?

They've won only six games in three years, are lucky if 100 people turn up to watch the team's weekly trials, while the players earn the princely sum of £20 ($49) each.

Welcome to East Stirling FC - Britain's worst professional soccer team.

In 21 matches this season, the club, based in Falkirk, Scotland, has won only twice, clinched 12 points, and found the net 19 times while leaking 52 goals at the other end.

Last season, it finished bottom of the table, winning just twice in 33 games - a return of eight points out of a possible 108. The previous campaign was equally discouraging; bottom place again, winning two games and 13 points.

Formed in November 1881, when the Bainsford Bluebonnets cricket team decided to form the Bainsford Britannia football team, East Stirling was adopted as its name. The club's moment of glory came seven years later, in 1888, when it reached the quarter-finals of the Scottish Cup, only to lose to Celtic. Since then it has been largely downhill.

"We do our duty stoically," said Ian Ramsay, the head of the supporters' club. "The season was quite painful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We are not competing. This cannot continue. A hundred people - that's what we are down to for home games. After two seasons of pure crap, I'm amazed we've still got 100 fans," Ramsay told The Scotsman newspaper.

Things were not helped when the club decided to slash wages by £10 ($24) a week from an already humble £30 ($72).

Despite its woeful form, East Stirling survives partly because there is no automatic relegation from the Scottish third division.

But there are signs the powers-that-be are becoming exhausted with the constant humiliations and are pondering introducing enforced re-election for any team that finishes bottom of the third division for two successive seasons.

Chairman Alan Mackin said the team's record was caused partly by running the club within its means. "We are the only team in Scotland that has faced the facts and tried to live within our means," he said. "We are the only team that's had the guts."

Comments please!

"As a former professional web designer, I commend the quality of your website in all technical and aesthetic considerations. Inspirational. Congratulations." - Shaun

Constructive or abusive comments appreciated at:

All Hacks FC

Season Summer/Autumn 2005

It's time to dust off the tinea-infested sneakers, iron the polyester/nylon/counterfeit/made-in-a-sweatshop guernsey and pantaloons; for another season of Indoor Soccer is upon us once again.

After our groundbreaking, triumphant season last year followed by an extended post-season break, one would be excused for resting on our laurels and deciding to finish off on the highest of highs (in the lowest of low divisions). But like an opium junkie, the tremendous highs and despairing lows are just too irresistible to walk away from. The All Hacks are striving for back-to-back titles, what more motivation does one need?

After a tense period of salary negotiations, I am pleased to announce that player wages are still at a generous -$10 per match (subject to change without prior notice). Before you all walk out in protest; the trophy one receives after being crowned premiers: priceless.

Round one commences in a fortnight, and team re-enrolments must be finalised by the end of this week so that the tournament organisers can arrange the match fixtures. Please let me know ASAP in any form of communication (we live in the 21st century now) if you will be a committed player, occasional ring-in, fair weather supporter, newsletter subscriber, or be a total disappointment.

Thanks, hope to hear from you soon.

Welcome to another season of Indoor Soccer, where the perennial question is always asked: "What are we getting ourselves into?" After an extended off-season, the All Hacks managed to assemble a team with "outs" that included: most of our premiership winning squad, match practise, luck; and "ins" that included: total disarray and utter chaos. Aahh, just a typical opening round of each new season of Indoor Soccer ... the All Hacks would not have it any other way.

Squad: Abi (GK), Adrian, Jomini, Justin, Justin A. (Spikey), Kheang, Sophal, Thanh

I guess the theme of this round was "reunions", with Kheang reacquainting himself with the previously estranged-from-university-to-pursue-other-life-fulfillments Abi, and the scorned-tutor-truant-pupil relationship of Adrian and Jomini being rekindled. Jomini became the 55th player to represent the All Hacks, and the tyranny of distance from the venue is no longer an excuse for him to remain only a one-game-wonder.

Abi's early retirement plan from Indoor Soccer was temporarily put on hold, making a comeback as starting goalkeeper. After an initial struggle in the opening minutes of the match, Team Discovery Channel soon found comfort in the surroundings, just like a bird in a nest, a duck in a lake, an endangered species in a zoo cage, etc. Our shaky defence was exposed time and time again, and like a kangaroo staring at a set of headlights, we were powerless to stop the inevitable doom. The contagious "headless chicken syndrome" again infested the team, culminating in Adrian's bizarre entry into the goalkeeper zone. The penalty "yips" was also rife, with two failed conversions adding insult to injury. Trailing 6-nil at the commercial break, Kheang's arrival to the match (albeit 6 goals late) was the spark that the All Hacks needed to merrily concede a few more goals after the interval.

Kheang and Sophal created some structure in the team, and their natural flare and skill soon harvested rewards for the All Hacks. The long drought of goals was finally broken from Kheang's most reliable scoring shot, a penalty conversion. With renewed enthusiasm, the All Hacks strung a few consecutive plays together; with the highlight involving Kheang luring the opposition goalkeeper off his line with his right foot carrying the ball as bait, then deceptively striking with his left foot for the All Hacks' second goal of the match. The full-time whistle could not come soon enough for some, especially those with prior appointments with the lavatory. As Team Discovery Channel would attest, when nature calls...

With the obligatory All Hacks opening round capitulation behind us, the All Hacks' plans for back-to-back titles, believe it or not, are still on track. Rally around the team, and don't be disenchanted, as one match does not define a season (déjà vu).

2 - Kheang

Following last round's debacle, the All Hacks were nursing sore limbs, flogged behinds and bruised egos. Consequently, three of our teammates failed to recover for this round's match (for various "valid" reasons/excuses). Meanwhile, the All Hacks recruitment drive reeled in three new players/victims to fill the void. Spikey's connections (above and under-world) harangued Ping into the All Hacks squad, while Rob also made his debut for the All Hacks. Harinder, former captain of Brazilian Whacks (who once were our friendly rivals), brought along his wealth of experience of playing amongst flocks of sheep during his stay in "the land of the long white cloud".

Squad: Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A. (Spikey), Kheang, Ping, Rob (II), Sophal, Thanh

Borrowing the much-maligned "rotational system" from the Aussie one-day cricket team, Justin stood-in as the goalkeeper for the match. With the help of a ring-in, Clayton Pride managed to sustain a competitive brand of football during the majority of the first half. Ping's substitution into the game soon resulted in the customary All Hacks tradition of a debut player running into the forbidden goalkeeper zone and conceding a penalty. Unfortunately, Justin was unable to save the penalty strike and Clayton Pride took the lead. After encouraging forays in attack, the All Hacks finally wore down Clayton Pride's stoic defence, and in the final minutes of the first half, Kheang broke through to first equalise, then following a great assist from Harinder, gave the All Hacks a 2-1 lead at half-time.

The All Hacks had chances to extend their lead in the second half, and for the most of the match controlled the tempo of the match. However, the turning point of the match came when another ring-in substituted in for Clayton Pride, a mystery player (who in the end turned out to be a referee) wearing a Juventus-like zebra-striped guernsey which clashed with our pristine white uniform. The All Hacks were unable to subdue the ring-in, and in the blink of an eye, found ourselves trailling 3-2. In the final minute, where all hope seemed lost, Kheang managed to create a small gap to pierce Clayton Pride's defence and score the equaliser. However, elation soon turned to despair, as a last gasp strike from the ring-in slipped through Justin's feeble attempt to save what turned out to be the final strike of the match.

5 - Kheang

With the return of premiership players Anisha, Ara and Maal into the side, the All Hacks were confident of arresting our sluggish start to the season. However, in sport and especially when it concerns the All Hacks playing in a match to decide early wooden spoon honours, there is no such thing as an unbackable favourite in a two-horse race...

Squad: Abi, Anisha, Ara, Jomini, Justin (GK), Kheang, Maal, Rob (II), Sophal, Thanh

"Ghetto superstar that is what you are; comin' from afar reachin' for the stars..." Indeed, the All Hacks were stunned by the early positive start from Ghetto Super Stars, who displayed none of the form that saw them concede 21 goals in their previous two matches. With our defence caught napping, Abi, our substitute-substitute-substitute-goalkeeper had no chance in denying Ghetto Super Stars the first two goals of the match. Anisha and Maal's introduction into the match brought calm in a sea of calamity, and also a clever strike from Maal which opened the All Hacks' score-sheet. A disgraceful (now customary one error per match quota) error from Justin, our substitute-substitute-goalkeeper, gift-wrapped a goal to extend Ghetto Super Stars' lead approaching half-time. Kheang restored a sense of normality into the match, with a penalty conversion after the siren closing the margin to just one goal at half-time.

"Run away with me to another place; we can rely on each other uh huh; from one corner to another uh huh..." Indeed, Ghetto Super Stars threatened to run away with the match, as they piled on a further two goals to lead 5-2 in the late stages of the match. The All Hacks had umpteen opportunities to score, but were repeatedly denied by a stunning display of superb goalkeeping from the solidly-built opposition goalkeeper. The All Hacks had the momentum in the final minutes, with an indiscretion from Ghetto Super Stars providing Kheang with another converted penalty and Anisha opened his account with ironically his least convincing strike of the match. However, time had expired before the All Hacks could find the equaliser, and we were left to rue another match of missed opportunities.

Our defence during certain crucial stages of the match was simply non-existent. Sure, we'd all like to be the hero and score a goal, but we don't need all five players in attack with nobody responsible in defence. "Unhappy the land where there are no heroes." But more poignantly, "Unhappy the land where heroes are needed."

After much soul-searching in the post-mortem analysis, some tough decisions will have to be made in order to resurrect our season. l will have to start cracking the whip (although some will disturbingly like it). "It's not personal, it's business." - Donald Trump

7 - Kheang
1 - Anisha, Maal

Squad: Adrian, Ajay, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A. (Spikey), Maal, Thanh

Some familiar faces were recognisable in Gigantor's squad, with several players representing Red R's last season (and whom we gloriously defeated in the final ... oh, those were the days). Necessity is the mother of all invention, and the All Hacks keep on inventing unique and bizarre ways of needlessly conceding goals. In the first minute of the match, a basic arithmetic error (what's the number after 5?) resulted in the All Hacks being penalised for trying to introduce our sixth player onto the field. One minute gone, one penalty conceded, one goal down. Despite the early setback, the All Hacks battled on valiantly for the remainder of the first half, and created some close opportunities to score. Gigantor's goalkeeper was also penalised for taking too long to throw the ball back into play, however a Beckham-esque special from Thanh kept scores 1-nil against the All Hacks at half-time.

With the referee salivating at the opportunity to blow his whistle to penalise both goalkeepers for time-wasting, Justin decided to use his "one goalkeeping error per match" life-line early in the second half and be excused for a goalkeeping blunder. In a freak incident, a goalkeeping throw-in ricocheted off the leg of an opponent into the All Hacks' goal. The All Hacks worked tremendously hard to maintain possession of the ball, and were finally rewarded with Ajay finding some space up forward to strike the ball into the top left corner of the goal. However, Gigantor's fast breaks continued to pierce our brittle defence, snuffing out any hope of an All Hacks fight-back, and in the end, Gigantor cruised to a comfortable victory.

For those wondering about the quote from last edition's newsletter, it was from Bertolt Brecht's masterpiece Life of Galileo, documenting Galileo Galilei's 17th century plight in daring to propose that the Earth revolved around the Sun, which opposed the Church's stance that the Earth was the centre of the universe. Galileo recanted his theories to appease the Church and to avoid being accused of heresy, and it appears in the 21st century, the All Hacks need to do some serious pampering to the heavens for some divine intervention for salvation of our season.

7 - Kheang
1 - Ajay, Anisha, Maal

After enduring another week in the doldrums, with our team spirit weakened, squad numbers depleted, and morale shattered, the only element strengthening was our grip on the wooden spoon. Following last week's appeal for any sign of divine intervention, we found it in the unlikeliest of sources, from Abi, the enlightened one (where the light shines from the unholiest of regions).

Squad: Ajay, Ara, Cooma, Justin (GK), Maal, Mohamad (Moe), Thanh

With most our regular players unavailable for a whole myriad of reasons, a call for ring-ins yielded two players making their debut for the All Hacks. After experimenting various pick-up lines, Abi managed to successfully lure a minor to join our playing squad. Initially masquerading as his friend, Abi's vague knowledge of any personal details of his "friend" prompted further interrogation and the subsequent revelation that Mohamad was actually a just Year 12 student searching for a free match. Maal went through more orthodox methods and recruited Cooma into the squad.

Our opponents this round, Colonel's Choice, lived up to their KFC moniker in greasiness and consumption of one too many upsized meal combos. With Ara charging through the right flank, and Maal making blistering dashes from defence, the All Hacks troubled Colonel's Choice in defence, compelling them to make sloppy tackles that were thankfully noted by the referee. Ara converted the first penalty attempt to give the All Hacks the early advantage. Colonel Choice's long kicks from defence into attack caught our defence in limbo on a few occasions, and consequently the All Hacks surrendered their lead in the latter stages of the first half.

Our semi-permanent benchwarmer, Abi, continues to prove his invaluable worth to the squad, despite not raising any sweat on the field or contributing to match fee payments. Abi's ring-in, Mohamad showed glimpses of his skill in the latter stages of the first half, then dazzled throughout the second half. Mohamad floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, with a stinging strike levelling scores at 2-all early in the second half. However, Colonel's Choice turned up the heat once more, with a stunning strike from long range that whistled past the diving, outstretched arms of goalkeeper Justin.

Colonel Sanders theorises: "If you can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen." Modern science proves: "Due to its greater surface area, the heat generated from a wok is more intense than that of a fry pan." Hence, the only logical conclusion to the match was that the All Hacks would overpower Colonel's Choice. Colonel Choice's defence began to wilt, with the concession of a further two penalties. Thanh stepped up to the penalty spot, and kicked directly into the goalkeeper. Fortunately, the opposition goalkeeper fumbled the save and the ball sneaked through between his legs for the equaliser. Thanh's second penalty attempt was a carbon-copy of the first, however this time, the conditioned goalkeeper fumbled the save but sat down to trap the ball between his legs and derrière. With Colonel's Choice tiring in the closing stages of the match, the All Hacks' passing skills reached its peak, culminating in a brilliant cross from Ajay that connected with Mohamad for the match-winning goal.

The first phase of the round-robin matches has now been completed, and our first victory of the season has been a great reward for all our hard efforts. If we can remain competitive and consistent as this round's much-improved performance demonstrated that we are capable of, then we won't need to rely on another miracle from Abi, our idiot savant turned idolised saviour.

7 - Kheang
2 - Mohamad (Moe)
1 - Ajay, Anisha, Ara, Maal, Thanh

Brimming with renewed confidence after last week's breakthrough victory, the All Hacks faced a tougher assignment this week, taking on current league leaders, Team Discovery Channel. Is it a mere coincidence or a fixturing conspiracy that we always seem to challenge teams just when they reach peak form at the top of the ladder?

Squad: Adrian, Ajay, Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Mohamad (Moe), Thanh

Without the services of Abi to encourage and inspire us on the sidelines, the All Hacks called upon our latest recruit/ring-in, Mohamad, to give the team the finishing touch of class. Adrian and Kheang returned to the squad, but on an unseasonably sweltering Autumnal day, with uncirculated air stagnant inside the tin shed stadium, felt the pinch of playing again after having an extended layoff from the team.

The All Hacks' highest rating program, "Wackiest Ways To Concede Goals Spectacular" was broadcast again in the first half, infact in the first passage of play, with Harinder unluckily conceding a penalty after being harassed in defence, then tripped on the ball, and laid prostrate on the goalkeeper zone. Absorbing the words of wisdom from Kheang regarding goalkeeping techniques, Justin was able to save the penalty attempt: after the ball uncomfortably landed between his legs, the natural motherly instinct was to sit on the ball to halt its forward momentum (and to keep the ball warm). The match had a sense of inevitability, in that every time the All Hacks scored a goal to inch ahead, Team Discovery Channel would equalise minutes later. Mohamad's thunderous strikes from the right flank polished off the All Hacks' determined efforts in the first half with two blistering goals. However, just when the All Hacks looked like taking a 2-1 lead at half-time, Justin decided to redeem his goalkeeping credit note earned from the earlier penalty save, and cashed it in on a goalkeeping blunder which saw the ball trickle through slippery hands to level scores at half-time.

Another penalty greeted the All Hacks soon after the resumption of play, and out-psyching his opponent again, Justin forced a hand on the penalty strike to deny Team Discovery Channel a goal from another dubious penalty decision. Mohamad scored a well-deserved hat-trick with another trademark strike from his right boot. It was a shame that Abi wasn't there to witness one of his prodigy's finest performances. "If the mountain will not come to Mohamad (sic), then Mohamad will go to the mountain." From the proverb's insight, after two missed penalty attempts, the striker realised that: "if one cannot get one's own way, one must adjust to the inevitable." Consequently, Team Discovery Channel's third penalty attempt was finally successful, as the spot kick was this time placed out of range of Justin's familiar diving routine into the top right corner of the goal. The All Hacks' fourth goal of the match was a stunning piece of one-touch football, culminating in Ajay finding space in the left flank to finish off a series of great passes. Unfortunately, the All Hacks couldn't hang on to their lead in the final minutes, and in following the pattern of the match, Team Discovery Channel scored the equaliser in the final minutes to force a draw.

7 - Kheang
5 - Mohamad (Moe)
2 - Ajay
1 - Anisha, Ara, Maal, Thanh

After last round's enthralling draw, the All Hacks keep setting new records each time they run onto the field, on this occasion, stretching our undefeated streak to two games! The All Hacks fully encourage all members to enrich themselves in cultural festivities, thus Abi, Ajay, Ara and Maal took a cultural-leave pass for this round's match. However, we still managed to field a strong side against Clayton Pride, the perennial early-season-thanks-to-ring-ins-overachievers. Before you comment, I am aware of the apparent hypocrisy, since we also rely on ring-ins every now and then ... and for this round's match too.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Moe, Sophal, Thanh

Without any ring-ins to carry their team, Clayton Pride were a shadow of the team that surprisingly defeated us earlier in the season. The All Hacks controlled the match from the onset, monopolising possession with pinpoint precision passes and blistering runs from defence into attack. Moe opened our account early in the first half with a powerful strike from the right flank. An inspired double-burst run from Adrian along the left flank initially carried the ball into attack, then a perfect cross to the top of the D was brilliantly finished off by Sophal.

Despite the relatively close 2-nil scoreline at half-time, the All Hacks were confident of continuing our dominance of the match in the second half, but were careful not to underestimate our opponent. Thus in the second half, back-heel passes, Ronaldinho-like flicks and daring runs from defence were the norm, as Clayton Pride were simply reduced to being witches-hats as the All Hacks ran rings around our opponents. Thanh roamed the centre at will, being dangerously unsupervised at Clayton Pride's peril. A perfectly weighted cross from Kheang on the left flank was again stylishly finished off by Sophal perched on the top of the D. In the final minutes, Moe caught Clayton Pride's overworked defence off-guard and found himself with so much space that he had ample time to dribble, ... compose himself, ... recompose, ... decompose ... and finally slot the ball calmly past the goalkeeper. Adrian and Harinder's numerous last-man in defence tackles to repel Clayton Pride's occasional offensive plays ensured that goalkeeper Justin's services were thankfully not required at all. However, having barely raised a sweat for almost the entire match, Justin was awoken from his hibernation in the last play of the match and successfully slapped away a shot on goal to maintain his inaugural clean sheet after so many previously soiled performances.

No matches are scheduled during the Easter break. The All Hacks' Collective Bargaining Agreement prevents the team from officially holding a match over Easter (i.e. I can't be bothered organising a match), however you may practise in an unofficial way to fine tune your skills if you wish to do so. Happy Easter!

7 - Kheang, Moe
2 - Ajay, Sophal
1 - Anisha, Ara, Maal, Thanh

Squad: Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Masum, Moe, Thanh

Tournament officials fiasco #1 - Like TV networks scheduling their low-rating shows at some unholy hour, the tournament officials decided likewise with this match.

Scheduled to play at the graveyard timeslot, the last match of the night featured yet another top-of-the-table versus bottom-of-the-table clash involving the All Hacks, with the All Hacks being customarily the latter team. Through much begging, but yet remaining dignified throughout, we managed to assemble a team to run onto the field. Masum returned after a long absence and slotted back into the team seamlessly, and Justin A. (artist formerly known as Spikey) returned after a stint in the dubious-injury bin.

Tournament officials fiasco #2 - Our opponent this round were current league leaders Team Discovery Channel, and through a fixturing bungle, somehow in a restructured league with eight teams, we will play them four times in 16 rounds, and other teams just once! Wtf!

Anyhow, back to the match. Through false confidence, Team Discovery Channel's arrogance and lack of respect towards their opponent was surely going to implode in their face at some stage of the season. It was duly up to the All Hacks to teach them some humility. With no substitutes to utilise, the All Hacks constantly rotated our defence throughout the match with great success, totally shutting down and suffocating their offensive plays. Kheang played a near flawless match as sweeper, and ventured into attack when an opportunity arose. Team Discovery Channel failed to keep up with Moe's extraordinary pace, and broke free on numerous occasions, and scored the first two goals of the first half with trademark composure. Masum chimed in with a blazing left-foot strike that curled into the right corner of the goal to cap of a brilliant first half.

Instead of merely protecting our lead in the second half, the All Hacks were intent on continuing to apply scoreboard pressure. With the All Hacks passing crisply and honouring daring leads, Team Discovery Channel's confidence shrivelled in all departments, and was uncharacteristically panicky in defence. Justin A. showed no signs of being hamstrung, and carried the ball countless times from defence. Thanh was again busy around the middle of the field and laid off many scoring-opportunity assists. With our defence in total control, Moe was able to terrorise the opposition up forward and drilled two more goals in the second half, and Justin was able to maintain his consecutive clean sheet.

With new teams entering the competition mid-season, we are now in the restructured Division 5/6 league. Thus, we are now assured of a finals position no matter where finish on the table. Perhaps some minor compensation for the following ...

Tournament officials fiasco #3 - However, for some absurd reason, new teams that enter mid-season are given an undeserved handicap of competition points equal to the second last team on the ladder. With the previously last-placed team Ghetto Super Stars withdrawing from the league, it leaves the All Hacks (who have been loyal and organised enough to participate this season from the beginning) in last place and the new teams in the league being 6 points above us even without kicking a ball!

Despite all these events conspiring against us, the All Hacks are playing inspired football. If we can sustain our momentum through the rest of the season, then it will make our efforts even more meritorious. We play one of the new teams next round, Rain, our tradition Asian arch-rivals. Bring it on!!!

11 - Moe
7 - Kheang
2 - Ajay, Sophal
1 - Anisha, Ara, Maal, Masum, Thanh

Squad: Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Masum, Moe, Thanh

Following our "David and Goliath" triumph last round (in case you are "un-biblical", we were David), the All Hacks named an unchanged line-up (a case of stability and unity in the team, or we couldn't find extra players?) for Rivalry Round: All Hacks vs Rain, the clash for Asian supremacy ... in the lowly Division 5/6.

From previous encounters, Rain's defence has always been their strength, as the All Hacks have traditionally struggled to penetrate their strong defensive structure. In the opening minutes, the All Hacks peppered the goal, with a few shots shaving the side post and sailing over the cross bar. However, it was Rain who scored the first goal after a dubious penalty was awarded to them. The All Hacks replied soon after with a penalty of our own, after Moe powered through the right flank only to be obstructed by a cumbersome Rain defender. Kheang's conversion narrowly trickled past the goalkeeper, and the All Hacks were again on level terms. After being frugal for two complete matches, Justin became a philanthropist once more, donating a goal to Rain after fumbling a non-threatening strike into our own goal. Despite the setback, the All Hacks continued to play a positive brand of football, and were rewarded with another penalty, after a Rain defender retreated into their own goalkeeper zone, which was again calmly converted by Kheang on the half-time siren. Masum also ventured into our forbidden zone, and aided by a vigilant Justin, discreetly nudged/assaulted Masum out of the zone to fortunately prevent the unsuspecting referee from blowing his whistle to award a penalty against us.

After a simmering first half, the second half ignited with free-flowing plays and adventurous forays into attack. Moe lifted his work-rate in the second half, continually brushing aside several Rain defenders with remarkable bursts of acceleration to score another well-deserved hat-trick for the All Hacks. Moe's second goal was the product of a spectacular volley from an acute angle in the left pocket, which was powerfully struck into the top right corner of the goal with interest. However, the highlight of many highlights of the night undoubtedly belonged to Justin A.. After sampling the taste of a goal from a few attempts earlier in the match, Justin A. loitered in attack with his back facing the goal eagerly awaiting his next opportunity. Kheang delivered a pass to the top of the goal mouth to Justin A., who instinctively swivelled around his axis, and in one complete revolution lifted the ball into the top right corner of the goal whilst somehow managing to stay out of the goalkeeper zone. Justin A.'s brilliant inaugural goal and subsequent outburst of sheer delight deflated any remaining hope Rain had left in salvaging the match. Solid in defence, Masum chimed in with a trademark long-range strike to secure double bonus points for the All Hacks. With a victory to the All Hacks all but assured, the referee awarded a sympathy penalty to Rain in the final minutes of the match. Bitter losers once again, the predictably ungracious Rain quickly left the field without shaking hands after the final siren. "Why are people so unkind?" - Kamahl

14 - Moe
9 - Kheang
2 - Ajay, Masum, Sophal
1 - Anisha, Ara, Justin A., Maal, Thanh

Apologies for the relative lateness of this week's edition. Last minute cramming for mid-semester tests and a minor concussion suffered in this round's match both contributing factors to this hastily compiled match report, plus others which I will not mention (but you know who you are!), but I digress...

Squad: Adrian, Justin (GK), Kheang, Masum, Moe, Ping, Thanh

Justin A.'s dodgy hamstring once again flared up after a late night on the turps, with his starting position filled in by the once committed regular, now "in case of emergency, break glass" and "I won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day" player, Adrian.

The All Hacks' mid-season revival was again on full display in the first half, taking the early honours with goals from Masum and Adrian. Adrian's solid return to the All Hacks was highlighted by a clinically executed strike following a brilliant assist from Kheang. However, the All Hacks could not sustain the momentum in the latter stages of the first half, and Points For Trying managed to sneak a goal minutes before half-time.

Masum's long range left foot strikes were again the weapons of choice, as the All Hacks again bursted of the blocks in the second half. Masum piled on two more goals early in the second half to cap off a well-deserved hat-trick. Moe waited patiently for a slight opening in the opposition defence, and when it came, took full advantage and scored a well-constructed goal. Unfortunately, the frenetic pace of the match took its toll on the wearying All Hacks, as Points For Trying began to find loose players around the field, with the All Hacks unable to sustain their up till then relentless attack. Justin managed to save a one-on-one strike using nothing but his noggin', but signs were beginning to look ominous. Points For Trying stormed home in a flurry, scoring three unanswered goals in the last 8 minutes to level the match. After the All Hacks dominated much of the entire match, in the end, we were fortunate to cling on to a draw.

When a match ends in a draw, there are always mixed emotions. On one hand, you're relieved not to have lost the match, but on the other, you ponder about the "what ifs" that may have changed the outcome of the match in your favour. Allan "Yabby" Jeans once said that a draw "feels like dancing with your sister". How poignant...

In a sour note to end the match, Masum was brought down by a crude, clumsy, callous, cowardly (and other "c" words too explicit to mention) challenge from behind. Unfortunately, after making several comebacks for the All Hacks, Masum's knee injury sustained in this match has painfully forced him to announce his permanent retirement from the All Hacks. Masum's absence from the side will be sorely missed, as he was the perfect replacement for our previous defender, Harinder. However, in the great "circle of life", Harinder will return to claim back his position in the All Hacks next round.

15 - Moe
9 - Kheang
5 - Masum
2 - Ajay, Sophal
1 - Adrian, Anisha, Ara, Justin A., Maal, Thanh

In the spirit of the Anzacs, the All Hacks took a moment to reflect on our fallen teammate, Masum, who announced his retirement earlier during the week after courageously putting his body on the line for the sake of his teammates. On an even more sombre note, Justin A. returned to the side after mildly recovering from his chronic knee complaint (please don't get "satirical jibe" confused with "personal insult", Justin A.!). After a month off with work commitments and discovering the plethora of Asian counterfeit markets for goods and services, Harinder returned to the side to strengthen our defence.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Moe, Thanh

For the umpteenth time this season, the All Hacks were matched up against the team on top of the ladder, currently being occupied by Gigantor. With Moe's younger sister watching on from the sidelines, the All Hacks were eager to put on a good show for our cheer squad of one. However, neither sides were able to string together a succession of effective passes until the final minutes of the first half, where Gigantor were able to find a player free on the right flank to score the opening goal. Conceding the opening goal triggered the All Hacks into action, and in the space of a few minutes, a one goal deficit became a one goal lead at half-time. Stirred on by last round's pre-match spray questioning his dedication to the All Hacks, the reinvigorated Adrian continued with his excellent pinch-hitting form in attack, scoring two clinically executed goals in two minutes.

In the second half, the match evolved into a free flowing affair, with the All Hacks seizing on the extra space afforded from Gigantor's defence. Moe was again dominant along the right flank, and nonchalantly scored a hat-trick, which included a cleverly back-heeled tap that trickled into the goal after the opposition goalkeeper was lured out of position. At that stage, the All Hacks were cruising to another victory, with a 5-2 lead midway through the second half. However, Gigantor's fast counterattacks caught the All Hacks' defence off-guard, and dangerous crosses to the centre of the field drew goalkeeper Justin out of his goal-line on several occasions. Sensing déjà vu, the All Hacks helplessly witnessed in consecutive matches their 5-2 lead evaporate to zilch in the latter stages of the match. With four minutes to go, Gigantor levelled scores at 5-all, after a shot that was initially blocked by Justin deflected to a Gigantor player who duly scored the equaliser. In a sea of panic, Moe remained calm under tremendous pressure to steer the All Hacks to victory, scoring a brilliant match-winning goal from the right flank in the final minutes of the match.

19 - Moe
9 - Kheang
5 - Masum
3 - Adrian
2 - Ajay, Sophal
1 - Anisha, Ara, Justin A., Maal, Thanh

For the first time all season, the All Hacks entered into a match knowing that a victory would catapult them into the top four, and with it, the prestige of a place in the "A"-finals. With so much at stake ("mmm... steak"), Justin A. couldn't resist the temptation of an "all-you-can-eat" buffet, and was an omission from the side due to gluttony. However, the All Hacks had their own smorgasbord to feast on in our opponents for this round, Colonel's Choice.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Justin (GK), Kheang, Moe, Thanh

What a difference an "adequate" goalkeeper makes to a side. Fielding a rookie goalkeeper, Colonel's Choice was constantly harassed in defence. Intercepting many throw-ins from the opposition goalkeeper, the All Hacks consistently pressured Colonel's Choice into scrambling for possession and retreating to non-threatening territory, with the first half being played almost exclusively in their own defensive half. Colonel's Choice's hapless goalkeeper was being bombarded from all corners of the field, and the All Hacks took advantage of some fumbled attempted saves. The opening goal of the match came from Adrian, with a strike from left field that found a little extra assistance from the opposition goalkeeper. Further goalkeeping and defensive errors from Colonel's Choice allowed Kheang to convert two penalties.

With most of the action happening at the other end, Justin was doing some navel-gazing and was caught napping on the counterattack. Firstly, by leaving a narrow gap along the right post unguarded, which was just enough for Colonel's Choice to sneak the ball through, and secondly, a rarely-performed (want to keep my uniform clean) diving-save attempt failed to curtail a long range strike. However, Moe snuffed out any thought of a comeback from Colonel's Choice, and was unstoppable along the right flank, scoring four goals in the first half after being the recipient of several great through passes from his teammates. Kheang sprinkled the icing on the cake to a end an awesome first half display from the All Hacks, intercepting a throw-in from the opposition goalkeeper and with great poise and conviction, booted a "non-penalty-derived" goal to bring up his hat-trick and an 8-2 lead at half-time.

The second half was slightly more subdued that the first, however the All Hacks still created many opportunities to score, and our passing skills kept Colonel's Choice second-guessing for much of the second half. In the tradition of the TV Week Logies: in an unanimous decision, the award for the "Most Outstanding Actor in a Comedy Series" goes to Thanh, for his inventive slap-stick performances, where he somehow still managed to comically fluff-up goal-scoring attempts while being unopposed in front of goal. In the end, honours were shared in the second half, with Colonel's Choice scoring a goal, and Kheang converting another penalty to earn the All Hacks a valuable third bonus point.

Following our victory this round, the All Hacks have set a new, all-time team record in extending their undefeated streak to eight matches! Congratulations to all involved, but just remember that there's still more to be achieved this season. Even though our previous longest undefeated streak consisted of seven consecutive wins, eight consecutive "unlosses" are just as good! "Me fail English? That's unpossible!" - Ralph Wiggum

23 - Moe
13 - Kheang
5 - Masum
4 - Adrian
2 - Ajay, Sophal
1 - Anisha, Ara, Justin A., Maal, Thanh

Injuries were beginning to take their toll on the All Hacks' squad, with our key striker, Moe, the latest casualty to be admitted into the All Hacks' infirmary (...bring your own health insurance). Moe's absence from the side left a gaping hole in the All Hacks' "all roads lead to Moe" on-field formation, which resulted in every player having to step up a gear to fill the void.

Squad: Adrian, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Thanh

With penalties being the second most successful method of scoring a goal after Moe's deadly right foot, the All Hacks were hoping for a penalty-inspired victory in this round's late night Mother's Day clash against Clayton Pride. Unfortunately, the whistle for a penalty surprisingly was blown for an indiscretion against us, and consequently, the All Hacks conceded the first goal in the opening minutes of the match. However, the penalty pendulum soon swung in the All Hacks' direction, with a penalty conversion by Kheang levelling scores moments later. Both teams traded shots on goal during the first half, but lacked the decisive power and accuracy to threaten the respective goalkeepers of each side. Infact, the biggest threat to the All Hacks came from the boot of our own teammates, with some supposedly gentle back-passes carrying a bit of sting in their tails. In the closing stages of the first half, Thanh pounced on a loose ball after a fast break that caught Clayton Pride's defence off-guard, and timing his strike to perfection, lofted the ball into the top right corner to score a "pressure-relieving and critic-silencing" goal.

The All Hacks earned themselves another penalty in the opening minutes of the second half, which was again calmly converted by Kheang. With the All Hacks leading 3-1 and seemingly well in control of the match midway through the second half, Kheang suffered an unfortunate blow "below-the-belt", and was briefly KO'd by the dreaded "socceritis pubis" (i.e. ball kicked into the groin). This untimely incident threw the All Hacks' game plan into utter chaos, and without the benefit of a substitute, Kheang was forced to recover while also carrying the goalkeeping duties. As a result, Justin was unleashed from his goalkeeping cage, and like a jail escapee enjoying his first minutes of freedom, went on a feverish rampage of self-destruction whilst on the playing field. In the manic five minutes that ensued, and amidst all the hysteria, Adrian featured in some match-defining moments. First match-winning moment: Adrian charged along the left flank, dribbled the ball past several opponents, and finished off with a powerful strike to score a brilliant goal. Second match-winning moment: Adrian had the courage and gall to drag Justin's arse back into the confines of the goalkeeping zone, after his brief, kamikaze-style, "crash and burn" stint on the playing field. Stability was soon restored and, notwithstanding some hospital-passes from Justin, the All Hacks stormed home in the final minutes of the match, with Justin A. and Thanh peppering the goal. Kheang played above his threshold of pain and polished off a solid performance with a hat-trick.

The All Hacks play their 100th official match next round. One wonders how this humble club has notched up their centenary milestone, let alone survive one match in this unforgiving competition! However, one thing has remained a constant throughout the 99 matches so far; that is, we still desperately require players for next match. So players past and present, I plead with you to turn up and play, then celebrate (or commiserate) the All Hacks' 100th match. Hope to see you all there!

23 - Moe
16 - Kheang
5 - Adrian, Masum
2 - Ajay, Sophal, Thanh
1 - Anisha, Ara, Justin A., Maal

The build-up to the All Hacks' centenary match during the week was a low-key affair, with the plea for past players, on the whole, falling on deaf ears (perhaps reprising all the suppressed memories of past heartache and tragedy - like a Shakespearean play - was too much to endure). Only Abi, enticed by the offer of a free indoor cricket match with strangers adjacent to the indoor soccer field, came to support the All Hacks in their milestone match.

Squad: Ajay, Ara, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Maal, Thanh

With corporate Australia keeping Adrian chained to his office desk (for work-orientated purposes, of course) 'til late, his omission from the side was more than compensated by the return of Ajay, Ara and Maal. In a bizarre incident before the match, the junior players of Roadkill interrupted our pre-match ritual (which consisted of warming up, and praying for our opponents not turning up for us to win by default, etc.). A first in our 100 matches, players from our opponents, Roadkill, shook hands with us and wished us luck before the match. Was it an innocent friendly gesture, or a sinister ploy to psyche out their opponents? Such is the society we live in nowadays that such apparent pleasantries are viewed with instant suspicion. "Be alert, but not alarmed."

An early centenary match present from the referee was presented to the All Hacks, with Roadkill being penalised one goal for fielding a player with a different-coloured guernsey. After almost two months out of the team, Ajay and Maal slotted comfortably back into the rhythm of indoor soccer, featuring in the highlights of the first half. In the opening minutes of the match, after coming off his line, the opposition goalkeeper was unable to stop Ajay from gently tapping the ball into the goal to give the All Hacks the early lead. Maal danced around the opposition with pure elegance, sashaying with the ball in tow, and saluted with a brilliant goal. Ajay and Maal then combined in total harmony, with a piercing cross from Ajay finding Maal in front of the goal to bring up the All Hacks' third goal of the match.

With the luxury of substitutes to utilise, the All Hacks were able to sustain the pressure on our opponents in the second half. Harinder's "stand and deliver" style of defence thwarted numerous Roadkill offensive plays, and Justin A. found his niche along the left flank. Ara threatened along the right flank, and a stunning strike while in full flight deep in the right corner amazingly rocketed into the left corner of the goal. Moments later Kheang waltzed his way through several opponents, and with an authoritative strike, scored a classy a goal. With a few minutes remaining, and needing one more goal to earn a second bonus point, the All Hacks threw caution to the wind, and went all out in attack. Unfortunately, our defence was left exposed to the counterattack, and despite repelling everything Roadkill could muster for most of the match, Roadkill kicked the last two goals of the match in quick succession.

The fluent, sublime football skills displayed by all in the All Hacks' centenary match could be best summarised by the following equation:
"[Rhytm (sic) + Beat] + Ego - Inhibition = Dance" - Frank West, dancetician

This edition of the Official All Hacks FC Newsletter is proudly sponsored by Moe's Pty Ltd ("impropriety and limited"). When you think of quality merchandise at low, low prices - think Moe's. For all your Calvin Klein, Giorgio Armani and Ralph Lauren essentials - look no further than Moe's. Don't pay top dollars ever again for perfume, wallets, jackets, boxers or jocks - you can get them all at bargain-basement prices at Moe's. Mention this advertisement when you place your order (preferably in bulk), and you will score a great deal ... for me (*cough* - "kickback" - *cough*)! Hurry, Father's Day is only 108 more sleeps away!

23 - Moe
17 - Kheang
5 - Adrian, Masum
3 - Ajay, Maal
2 - Ara, Sophal, Thanh
1 - Anisha, Justin A.

Jostling for the coveted double chance in the "A"-finals, the All Hacks introduced another late season, salary-cap busting, star recruit into the squad. With thanks to Moe, the All Hacks welcomed to our 61st player to represent our team, Daniel. After passing a gruelling fitness test with flying colours (i.e. breathing = 100% All Hacks fit, walking = 200% All Hacks fit), Moe was declared fully fit to return to the side. Unfortunately but not surprisingly, the same could not be said for Justin A., who once again failed to string together two consecutive matches and was reduced to being a vigilant observer on the sidelines.

Squad: Ajay, Daniel, Harinder, Justin, Kheang, Moe, Sung (GK), Thanh

-Insert "inspiring Hans Zimmer orchestral piece" here- After a self-imposed exile, Sung returned from the wilderness, and like "adult Simba", he dramatically returned to reclaim his rightful position as goalkeeper for the All Hacks. Sung thrived in his natural habitat, and ensured that the All Hacks did not concede another goal in the first half. Dazed, and with blood, sweat, tears and other bodily fluids on his guernsey, I don't have much of a recollection of the remainder of the first half, but apparently, Daniel kicked another brilliant goal, and a leprechaun popped out of the soccer ball.

Brewing with confidence, the All Hacks' line-up overflowed with skill and natural flair in the second half. Ajay, Kheang and Thanh honoured dashing runs from Daniel and Moe, and Harinder remained yet again a pillar in defence. Daniel capped off a sparkling debut for the All Hacks with a great individual haul of 5 goals, and Moe polished off a superb return in great style with another hat-trick. Sung's characteristic "groan of discontent" officially signalled his return to indoor soccer, which was heard throughout the stadium after letting a penalty shot slip past his hands late in the second half.

For the few who were concerned about the incident involving Justin, you will be pleased to hear that the soccer ball did not suffer any harm during the incident.

26 - Moe
17 - Kheang
5 - Adrian, Daniel, Masum
3 - Ajay, Maal
2 - Ara, Sophal, Thanh
1 - Anisha, Justin A.

In this week's exam-stress-related truncated newsletter, some housekeeping issues to start off with. After only 101 matches, last round's comfortable victory resulted in the All Hacks finally registering an overall positive goal difference record! From giving away a 62 goal head start after our debut season, the All Hacks have since made small, yet significant steps along our tumultuous journey to finally wipe out our goal difference deficit. However, our success during this watershed season will ultimately depend on our finals performances, with the start of our finals campaign only one week away.

Squad: Adrian, Daniel, Harinder, Justin (GK), Justin A., Kheang, Moe, Thanh

In the final round of the regular season, the All Hacks were involved in the traditional spiteful Asian derby against Rain. Justin A., our resident spy, reported to HQ (i.e. me) that Rain had arrived at the venue and were practising for one full hour before the actual kick-off. Hence, it was no major surprise that Rain were a spent force in the opening minutes of the match. While being tightly checked by Rain's defenders, Moe found a way through the right flank and scored the opening goal. Since it is in the genetics of all Asians, the All Hacks gambled on a strategy of introducing Daniel onto the field, even though his appearance would cost the All Hacks a goal due to his improper team uniform. However, the calculated risk paid dividends, as Kheang latched onto the ball in attack and with great composure slotted in the All Hacks' second goal towards the end of the first half.

Despite the comfortable 2-nil scoreline, Rain threatened to score on several occasions, and matched the All Hacks in shots on target, however their strikers lacked the oomph-factor in their final strike. The All Hacks earned themselves two penalties in the second half, the first of which was saved by Rain's goalkeeper, but was tidied up by Kheang on the rebound. Kheang converted the second penalty in a more conventional, and less heart-stopping method. Rain spoiled the All Hacks' party in defence, crashing in uninvited with a last-minute goal. The official full-time score was 3-1 to the All Hacks, but for statistical convenience (*asterisks* alongside statistical data are like kryptonite to a statistician) ...

Full time: 4-2 (Kheang 3, Moe)

With all the preliminaries now complete, the real season begins! The finals series kicks-off next week, with the All Hacks qualifying for the "A"-finals in third position. Thus, we are involved in the more prestigious finals series and perhaps are also in the running for a promotion to a higher division for next season. However, every match from now on is a cut-throat elimination final. Bring it on!

27 - Moe
20 - Kheang
5 - Adrian, Daniel, Masum
3 - Ajay, Maal
2 - Ara, Sophal, Thanh
1 - Anisha, Justin A.

In another exam-affected, scantily-clad, nothing but the bare essentials newsletter, the All Hacks' finals campaign commenced with an elimination semi-final. Moe was on stress-leave due to his upcoming exams, while Ara's inclusion added invaluable finals' experience to the team.

Squad: Adrian, Ara, Harinder, Justin, Justin A., Kheang, Sung (GK), Thanh

Since our previous encounter a few rounds ago, our opponents Roadkill either overnight developed some facial hair and grew a few centimetres in height and girth, or fielded a virtually new team in the cut-throat semi-final. With a bout of finals-anxiety in the opening minutes of the match, the All Hacks hesitated momentarily in defence, and Roadkill pounced on the error to score the opening goal. However, the All Hacks regathered their composure, and soon after forced Roadkill to commit an illegal back-pass. Kheang converted the resultant penalty and the All Hacks were on level terms. In the final minute of the first half, Ara shrugged off two opponents that were closely guarding him along the left flank, and struck a brilliant goal to give the All Hacks the lead at half-time.

The All Hacks edged further in front in the second half, with a quick one-two combination involving Kheang and Thanh drawing Roadkill's defenders out of position, with Kheang charging through unopposed to put the All Hacks 3-1 up. Midway through the second half, Roadkill responded with a goal, but the All Hacks still appeared to have the match well within their grasp. With three minutes remaining in the match, an epic drama unfolded right in front of my benchwarming eyes. After feeding the All Hacks with solid throw-ins throughout the match, Sung inexplicably threw the ball directly to an opponent. Sung came off his goal line to save the subsequent strike, however the ball rebounded back to Roadkill's striker, leaving Sung helplessly stranded in no-man's land. Potentially match-defining moment #1: Like an asylum seeker held in a detention centre, Sung obstructed play outside his encapsulated zone, and was penalised for his brief venture into the outside world. Sung amazingly fended off the penalty strike, however the ball ended up agonisingly trickling out of the goalkeeping zone.

Potentially match-defining moment #2: Thanh displayed "good intentions" when trying to play the ball back to Sung in a bid to deny a Roadkill striker an imminent shot on goal. However, Thanh tapped his foot into the goalkeeping zone and another penalty was conceded. As Ned Flanders would attest, a match can't be built upon "good intentions"! Unfortunately, Sung couldn't pull off another miracle, and despite getting a hand on the penalty strike, Roadkill scored the equaliser, and the match looked headed for extra-time.

Match defining moment: Like a man walking the green mile, Thanh was on borrowed time to atone for his misdemeanour. Having to soon face the Spanish Inquisition (i.e. me) to explain his catastrophic actions, Thanh's previously suppressed emotions spilled over onto the field, and the rest is best described by Thanh's vivid memoirs: "I intercepted the ball and with the adrenaline coursing through my veins, I had this slow-mo moment where I saw everything so clearly. I could see Adrian up ahead so I beat one player, side-stepped another, and then threaded the ball through a third player right to Adrian who had made space on top of the key. With all the time in the world (in soccer terms but in reality only nine seconds left on the game clock), Adrian coolly slotted through the winning goal and helped me complete my redemption."

With that last-gasp victory, the All Hacks are still on track to defend our premiership. However, our endurance and stamina will surely be tested next week, as we will be taking the road less travelled along the way, having to win virtually two consecutive matches on the same night to lift the championship trophy (that's if we have enough strength left). But, as always, let's take it one match at a time.

27 - Moe
22 - Kheang
6 - Adrian
5 - Daniel, Masum
3 - Ajay, Ara, Maal
2 - Sophal, Thanh
1 - Anisha, Justin A.

Some trivia (or trivial matters) to begin the final newsletter of the season. For those wondering about the origins of last week's Ned Flanders-inspired "good intentions" remark, it was in the episode of The Simpsons titled: "Hurricane Neddy", where a hurricane blows into Springfield, sparing every household except the God-abiding Flanders, whose house is totally destroyed. In a sign of good faith, the community of Springfield rallies behind Ned and his family, and rebuilds the Flanders' house, one that defies the laws of physics and contravenes every building regulation. The house "that love built" subsequently falls apart, sparking Ned to erupt with his verbal barrage, and then admit himself into a mental institution.

As a psychotic Ned Flanders once berated:
Ned: Calm down, Neddilly-diddily-diddily-diddily-diddily … They did their best … Shoddily-iddly-iddly-diddly … Gotta be nice … hostility-ilitity-bility-dility - Aw, hell, diddly-ding-dong - crap! Can't you morons do anything right?
(The crowd gasps.)
Marge: Ned, we meant well and everyone here tried their best!
Ned: Well my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family is out of control but we can't blame you because you've got gooood intentions!"
Bart: Hey, back off, man!
Ned: Oh, okay, duuude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaan! Here's a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey buddy, got a quarter?"
Bart: I am shocked and appalled.

Hmm, some remarkable similarities with the state of mind which Flanders was in and those of mine during this week's match. Anyway, back to the preliminary final report...

Squad: Adrian, Ajay, Daniel, Harinder, Justin, Justin A., Kheang, Moe, Sung (GK), Thanh

Sung revealed a conflict of interest, in that he had played as a goalkeeper for our opponents, Points For Trying, earlier during the season. More of Sung's sordid affair with the enemy was uncovered, as he further revealed that he had gone on a bender with one of our opponents' players the night before the match, and subsequently could not remember much else of the night. Alas, Sung's allegiances were questioned, however, under duress claimed that he was still loyal to the All Hacks.

The All Hacks were slow to react to Points For Trying's tactics of long kicks, and were punished severely with raking free kicks and strikes by Points For Trying that found their target. Trailling 2-nil in the early minutes of the first half, the All Hacks regrouped and through a penalty conversion from Kheang, and a calm tap to beat the opposition goalkeeper from Ajay, the All Hacks levelled proceedings towards the end of the first half. However, lapses in concentration in the final minutes again triggered an All Hacks collapse in defence, with two quick goals edging Points For Trying out to a comfortable 4-2 lead at half-time.

After Points For Trying's stretched their lead out to 3 goals midway through the second half, Sung was relieved of his goalkeeping duties and was replaced by Justin, whose arrival coincided with a crisp goal from Kheang. However, our fortunes were short-lived as Justin was the recipient of some "friendly-fire" from Thanh, who deflected a long kick from Points For Trying into our back net for an own goal. Another blazing strike from Points For Trying found its way through for a goal, and with the score at 7-3, the All Hacks seemed to be completely demoralised. Adding injury to insult, Kheang hobbled off the field after landing heavily from a fair challenge in the closing stages of the match. Perversely, this sparked the All Hacks into action, and in the final 4 minutes displayed more intensity than for the whole 30 minutes that proceeded them. A flurry of goals, two from Thanh, including a smart penalty conversion (bringing up his "hat-trick in magnitude" (i.e. 2 goals + 1 own goal = 3 goals!)), and one from Daniel, saw the All Hacks remarkably only one goal behind, with just under 90 seconds to play. Unfortunately, the All Hacks could not pull off the great escape, and were defeated by a more determined, and less error-riddled side on the night.

Unfortunately, the loss signalled the end of our season, which frankly, ended one game too early. Our lack of discipline in defence was very costly, and in Supernanny terms, "This is unasseptable." Should this behaviour continue next season, I will have no choice but to send those to the "naughty-rug".

Our preliminary final defeat also ended our all-time longest undefeated streak of 13 matches, one that will probably never be surpassed. So congratulations for being part of the history-ending feat! On a serious note, although our final third place finish does not reflect it, this season has been one of the more successful ones for the All Hacks, so well done to everyone who contributed their part (be it great or small) to the team. "Synergy: the sum of the whole is greater than the sum of its individual parts."

No rest for the faint-hearted, the new season kicks-off next week, as we being Part II of our 2005 campaign! See you all next season (i.e. next week)!

Stay tuned for the progressive Club Champion 2005 standings (so rigged!), the unveiling of the current All Hacks' Idol at the halfway mark of 2005 (so rigged!), end-of-season awards (so biased!), and an end-of-season gala(h) night (so pissed!) ...

27 - Moe
24 - Kheang
6 - Adrian, Daniel
5 - Masum
4 - Ajay, Thanh
3 - Ara, Maal
2 - Sophal
1 - Anisha, Justin A.

Moe, the recipient of the "Golden Boot" Award, for services in: leading goal scorer for the season.

Harinder, the recipient of the "Indestructible Tortoise" Award, for services in: bone-crunching tackles and general stubbornness in defence.

Thanh, the recipient of the "Stunned Mullet" Award, for services in: best facial expression displays following defensive blunders.

Adrian, the recipient of the "Pelican" Award, for services in: self-sacrifice for on-field and off-field activities

Justin A., the recipient of the "White Elephant" Award, for services in: highest "maximum input, minimum output" ratio.