| Hurting (Prequel To Healed) Author’s note: This is the second time I’m writing this. Ha, I wonder how many times I have to tell you that. Stupidly, I deleted the copy in my hard disk and then geocities wiped out my whole fricking page. So, now I have to do this again. Hope you enjoy! No one can understand how hard this is. Waking up beside him like this. I can feel the warmth of his body heating mine and I can smell him. He smells of grass on a spring day, sweet fresh air on a sunny summer day, coloured leaves we step on in autumn, the snowflakes that float gently to the ground in winter. He smells like… him. No cologne, no nothing. At least, not in the morning. For now, I’m contented. His face is wrinkled from the pillowcase and his eyes are gently shut. There is a small smile on his face and I guess he’s dreaming about something interesting. He looks beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. I want to kiss him awake, smother him with love like never before until he realizes I love him more than anyone else ever could. But I don’t. I can control myself, and I will. I must. Because he’s with Joey now. And I can’t do that to either of them. Or myself. He’s stirring and I turn away from him quickly, acting like loving him isn’t the only thing I want in my life, like he isn’t the only one I want in my arms. “G’morning, Josh.” He drawls, and I melt. God, his voice drives me insane. It’s so low and rumbly and… I can’t even begin to describe the chill it sends down my spine. I shift slowly again, turning to face him, to face the man I love, but can never have. “Morning,” I somehow manage to force out, pass the huge lump in my throat. “Feel better?” I watch as his brilliant green eyes darken slightly, before he forces a smile that I see through at once. “Yeah.” I shake my head, smiling slightly. “C’mon, Lance. I’ve known you forever. Do you think I wouldn’t know how you felt?” Lance pushes himself up into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I just… it’s hard, Josh. We do this every night and I can’t… I can’t help it. Sometimes I feel like I’m… not enough, y’know? Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give.” Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. Lance’s words echo in my head. That’s how I felt when… but we’re past that now. “He’s got the world in his arms and if he can’t see it, he’s blind,” I whisper, reaching out to brush Lance’s cheek gently with my fingers, before pulling back awkwardly. Lance has his eyes closed with pain now, and I don’t think he heard me. Thank god. I can see Lance’s Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows painfully, and I know he’s trying to hold back his tears – just as I do so many nights when I’m alone in my own bed, feeling too small to sleep by myself, feeling cold and miserable and lonely, wishing he was here with me, yet knowing he will never be. God, who am I trying to kid? He sees me as a friend, nothing more. And… the worst part is… I had him. Once I too, held him in my arms, heard his comforting voice whisper in my ear, felt his lips crushed passionately against my own. Once, I had a chance with this gorgeous, green-eyed angel. And I blew it. I can remember, vividly, the spark in his eyes that I thought I saw once when I walked into the room and kissed him gently on the lips in front of our brothers. They teased us and laughed, but Lance just blushed, and I thought I saw something like pride in them. But I was wrong. It was all a lie. All a *fucking* lie. The memory of Lance pressing me against the wall as he kissed my neck and lips… that will never die. The way it felt when he curled into my arms at night, his breath warm on my cheek, his breathing calm and even… it will be imprinted in my mind forever. But, engraved on my heart, will always be the way he whispered, ‘I love you’ in my ear. Sometimes he said it with a laugh, sometimes in a voice deeper than I thought he could go, sometimes said teasingly, sometimes meant with a heartfelt expression in his eyes. I always saw heaven in those angelic eyes. Those are the times I will NEVER forget. Never. But then comes the pain. The loss. The knowledge that he slipped through my fingers and I didn’t even know it. He had me on the couch that day and we were cuddling, though he seemed aloof and cold. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he refused to tell me. Refused flatly. So we sat in silence, till I thought my ears would burst from the quiet of the room. And he finally pulled away, looked me in the eyes with more emotion than I have ever seen out of him, and cried. “I… I’m sorry, Josh… god, I’m sorry…” he choked out, and my heart froze. I was so scared, with those words, I already knew something was seriously wrong. Something was going to change. He continued bawling and I couldn’t help myself. I took him into my arms and let him cry, let him sob and shake until he felt safe and loved. Then, finally, still quaking from his cries, he pulled away from me AGAIN and spoke softly, his eyes finding the floor. “I’m sorry, Josh.” I watched him intently, bent on finding out the reason behind his strange behaviour. “This is so unfair to you,” he breathed. And I could feel a cold knife stab my heart at his words. “I… I don’t… I don’t love you, Josh.” Those words alone could have killed me. Literally. They slammed me in the face and I shook from the impact, my face paling as I realized what he was saying. I had given him my everything, and he was throwing it in my face… I couldn’t understand it. But the next thing he said ruled out all need for explanation. “I… I never loved you.” I think I fainted then, but I’m not sure, because everything seems to become hazy after that. Like nothing was worth remembering anymore. There was no colour in my life, no bounce in my step, no nothing. His echoing words played consistently in my head, ‘I never loved you’, ‘I don’t love you, Josh’, ‘I love Joey’, ‘I’m in love with Joey’, ‘I need him’, ‘It’s not fair to you’, ‘we have to end this’… It rolled in my head like a big ball of fuzziness. I’m not sure when it started or ended. Everything was just unbelievably unclear. And up till now, I’m not sure where, how, what, when or why any of this happened. I don’t know where I screwed up, I don’t know why Lance left me. I have no *fucking* clue. Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. Again, his damn words play in my mind. That’s exactly how I felt. That’s how I feel still. “Josh?” he’s looking at me with those soulful green eyes again. And I can’t take it. I just can’t help him through this anymore. Him getting together with Joey, Joey finally accepting him, their first make-out session… I remember the exhilaration I saw in his eyes when Joey uttered those three words he had so often whispered to me, that I didn’t know how much truth they held anymore, that I didn’t know if he had ever meant when he whispered them to me – “I love you.” It’s so clear, their first fight. It was the first time Lance had come to me voluntarily ever since our break up about five months before. He had knocked on the door and hurtled himself at me as soon as I had opened it. I had carried him to my bed and lay him down gently, not knowing what to do. I watched him sob, till finally, exhausted and drained, he closed his eyes. And that’s when I found out what had actually happened – they had finally had their first fight. I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “Lance… it’ll be okay,” I reassure him, seeing that he is drinking in my every word as though it is his lifeline. And I treasure that now. I treasure whatever small part of him I have – his friendship, his trust… anything. Everything. “Joey loves you.” I almost stumble over my own words, surprising myself. I’ve said that to him so many times, comforted him over and over, with these words that I’m stunned that they can still send that stab of pain in my gut, the hurt as fresh as before. “I know.” Lance sounds hollow now, as though the words hold no more meaning. How can Joey just let him go like that? I would NEVER let him go without letting him know that I love him. I would never allow a fight to end with Lance or me ending up in another bandmate’s room. Never. I guess Joey and I are different. “Josh, I just… he… we’re so different.” I know that. I know. Because Lance and I… we’re the sane ones in the group. The boring ones. The ones that always hang together. And Joey could never be like that. He just isn’t. But when I see the tears sparkling in Lance’s eyes… I can’t do it anymore. With a choked sob that I don’t realize escapes my throat, I run into the toilet and slam the door shut, turning and leaning against it as I slide down along it to the floor. I feel tears running down my cheeks, but I don’t brush them away. Why should I? There’s no reason to do anything in my life anymore. Lance isn’t there to pull me through, help me out… why should I even care? “Why Lance?” I choke out, still gasping for air, because my lungs suddenly feel constricted as I cry. “Why me? Why did you make me believe you loved me? Why did you LIE to me? Why?” I bury my head in my hands and keep my hands on my knees. I curl up into a small ball and let my emotions out till my tears start to run dry. I feel all my love and hatred bubble up inside my chest, as though there is a heavy weight there. I can’t help it. I feel so choked up, I need someone with me, but no one is here. And it’s so hard to be there for Lance all the time, when I’m on the verge of cracking myself. It is then that I hear a soft knocking on the door. Instinctively, I just know it’s Lance. I get up then, quickly, and wash my face, hoping against hope that Lance doesn’t notice how red-rimmed or watery they are. I open the door, forcing a smile. Joey is there. Lance’s boyfriend. It hurts so fucking much just to THINK that. “You okay?” Lance asks, concern etched on his handsome face. I nod, unable to reply. I turn away, then, because the confusion on his face is more than I can stand. “Josh…” the hurt that I expect to hear in his voice is present and despite myself, I turn to face him again. “I’m okay, really,” I insist, smiling. “I just… I’m tired, is all.” “Okay,” Lance grins back at me. “The last few days have been pretty… hectic. I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you thanks before I headed back to my room with Joey so… thanks.” Lance pulls me into a hug then, and I have never felt as happy, as contented, in my life. To feel his solid warmth around me, I’ve been dreaming of this moment for months now. I think I linger a moment too long in his arms, stay a second longer than necessary in his embrace, because Joey shoots me a death glare. But I ignore it. Lance is going back to him now; can I not take one last comfort from my love’s arms before that? As soon as Lance is out of the room, I climb into bed. It’s warm and still smells of Lance’s cologne. But then I smell something new… something different. And with a pang of jealousy and hurt, I realize it’s Joey. I fall asleep with my tears staining my pillow, as a trademark marking my loneliness, my hurt, my pain, my love. Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He’s in the room again. I can feel it. There, he’s climbing into my bed. I open my eyes a little, trying to keep awake, knowing that I might make him uncomfortable if I don’t. Fighting my attraction from Lance was never easy to begin with, and now that he’s here, with me… but god, I want him so fucking much. He stares at me unwaveringly for a few minutes before whispering, “I know you’re not over me, Josh.” I pale. My heart has stopped beating. “Lance, I can’t… let’s not… Lance, please.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ God, just that line and he’s lost. I can see him crumble before my eyes. His powerful, strong exterior crashing around him and revealing the man inside. I never knew I still had this effect on him – not until Joey subtly pointed it out, screaming to the world that my ex still had a ‘thing’ for me. I suppose he’s not as blind or stupid as we make him out to be. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, backing out of the bed. I open my eyes then, and finally allow myself to see. Really see. See the damage I’ve done to this fragile man, who’s only mistake was to fall in love with someone as undeserving as me. See the dark eyebags under his eyes, the frown lines creasing his forehead, the pain tearing up his heart and the life faded from those beautiful blue eyes. See him shaking from the pain and hurt that I’ve caused, the hurt that I’ve planted in his heart. “I’m so sorry.” I whisper again. “I… I didn’t know.” As I walk out the door, I murmur, “I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry I turned you into this. I’m sorry you love me. I’m sorry I used you. I’m so sorry for everything.” Before I shut the door, I said, my voice barely above a whisper, “I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you love me.” And it was a moment before he whispered back, “I’m sorry you can’t too.” As I shut the door, I slump down against it, and the consequences of my selfish actions play in my mind. JC’s gaunt, dead look… it flashes in my mind as soon as I blink. “God, I’m such a selfish bastard.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I sink back down onto the bed, my emotions swirling, blurring, blending, till they become one big ball of hysteria. His words echo in my head, his apologies, his stunned look… Come to think of it, it’s my fault. I knew all along that he was only using me, that he was playing me. I could have stopped him, but I chose not to. Because I stupidly thought that one day, he would fall in love with me. Kinda like the way he thought he would. But he didn’t. And he’s still gone. I guess I thought I could give him what he was looking for, but I didn’t have enough. Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. And now I’m so fucking broken. I shouldn’t have let him play me. I shouldn’t have let him use me the way he did. I shouldn’t have believed his lies. I should have seen right through him. I shouldn’t have been so blind. I shouldn’t have let him go. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him. It still hurts. TBC... |