To the
One I Lost
By
TC
�You went to see her didn�t you?� Jen asked as she joined her friend who had managed to isolate herself from the crowd.
�God, Sal you never stopped thinking about her, did you?� Jen asked with disappointment in her voice.
Sally stayed silent as her mind was as far away as the sun nearing the horizon.
�If nothing else, Sal, remember how she hurt you, if only a guy had done�� Jen started to say the same thing she had been had said almost seven hundred and fifty five times since, the day Sally had broken down and told her about that night.
�You won.� Sally said suddenly cutting off Jen�s speech. �It�s done Jen. Remember, I left, I left her, and she left me. You don�t have to give me the speech.�
�No, I have to because you refuse the blame her, its not your fault Sal� No matter what you said, no one deserves to be raped. And yes, it was RAPE.� Jen insisted trying once again to mud Angel in her heart.
�Stop saying that, Jen. You don�t know the whole story.� Sally simply said as she tried to shut her friend.
�I don�t need to know the whole story. You said NO, and yet she violated you, the sooner you start blaming her, the sooner the guilt you feel will go away.� Jen said forcing her friend to look at her.
�You don�t get it do you.� Sally said finally loosing her control as tears found their way out once more. �If she hadn�t done it, I would have done it to her. The only reason I get to be the victim even after I started it, is because I wasn�t as strong as she was. You want to lecture me about rape Jen. I wanted to RAPE HER. I wanted it. I started it. I wanted to hear her SCREAM, beg me to STOP. I wanted to hurt her till she BLED. I WANTED HER BODY TO FEEL THE PAIN.� Sally screamed as for the first time she confessed to her thoughts. �I hurt her so much that I made her somebody that should never be.�
Jen was shocked but she didn�t let go of Sally. She hugged her tighter as she let her friend cry with loud sobs.
�Everyone had a problem. If Angel came with me, they had a problem; if Angel didn�t come they had a problem. If I stayed at home, Angel is making you into a home body, if I went out; finally you got bored of Angel.� Sally started to recite the comments that had plastered inside of her. �Why did Angel do this? Why did Angel do that? Just because she didn�t consider my friends her friends, and didn�t seek their approval, she always was a sore eye for everyone.�
�Sal�Stop it. We just wanted to know her and because she was so introverted she was changing you into one too.� Jen defended as some of those comments belonged to her.
�Did you even once think, may be I was changing because I was happy with the changes. May be � may be� I was so in love that�all I wanted was just her�.just like all she wanted was just me�all she sought was just my approval.� Sally asked her friend who never hid her discontent about Angel.
�Sal� you are saying that now, but believe me, you were so turning like her, you truly did not want be that. Just think if Angel and you still together, she wouldn�t even have come today.� Jen replied unwilling to see any wrong.
�Why should she? Jen, you are my friend, not hers and it�s not like this is a wedding.� Sally said sounding almost like Angel.
�No, it�s not a wedding but it means a lot to me.� Jen said a little hurt.
�Exactly the reason I would have come and she would have cancelled any plans we might have had so that I could come.� Sally replied as she tried to explain Jen that no matter what she thought, Angel had never stopped her from being who she was, if anyone had changed her it was only her.
With every word that she heard a simple truth started to unravel to Jen, the truth she had so tired to ignore before but now she it was just too clear to look away. �You are in love with her.�
It was a statement, but Sally still answered, �Yes.�
<<Couple of hours later>>
�Hey anyone home?� Angel asked as she entered the room.
�In the bathroom.� A woman�s voice answered, as Angel promptly followed it.
�Going out?� Angel asked.
�Yes.� The woman replied as she put on her make up. �So, how was the trip?�
�It was a funeral.� Angel said without using any adjective. She walked back inside the room, and fell on the bed on her back as her head hung from the side as she stared at the ceiling.
�So, did my prediction happen?� She asked taking her peeping out of the bathroom.
�What prediction?� Angel asked.
�The whole you�ll be stopped at a traffic light and you would turn your head just to see Sally on the car on the next lane.� She screamed from inside.
�Not exactly in that manner, but yes she was there.� Angel replied remembering the co-incidence.
�Really?� She said a little surprised by the realization. �Well?� She nudged as Angel didn�t elaborate.
Angel still remained silent as she tried to concentrate on an invisible spot on the ceiling.
Sandy came out of the bathroom, and stood directly on top of her peering down into her eyes. �Did she forgive you?�
�Yes.�
�Did you two cry?�
�Oh! Yes.� Angel said as she chuckled. �Damn, I never thought it would be that difficult.�
�Did she tell you why?�
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�Why? Because, even though she didn�t care about everyone else, I did. Their words were all building up inside of me. It wasn�t like she didn�t try; she did, but it never was enough. It was like if she changed she wouldn�t be the person I fell in love with, and if she didn�t change everyone in my life didn�t think I should be in love with her. I know it all sounds so stupid to let what other people thought get to me. But, they were not other people. They were my best friend, my family, people I grew up with. People who cared about me, people I cared about. I wanted to move, I wanted get away, but she didn�t want to. She was always unaffected even when I had to make a choice between the life as I knew and the life with her.� Sally explained her thoughts for the second time.
�Then the frustration got the better of me. I actually made myself believe that I wasn�t happy, making sure that we weren�t happy, then, the �Opening Ceremony�.� Sally paused as she remembered the night Angel was to attend the Opening Ceremony of the brand new Holiday Inn, owned by her boss. Sally knew that Angel wasn�t out at work, and she even asked Sally�s permission to take Ray with her, and Sally hadn�t minded. That was of course till Jen and her sister pointed out that going with her ex-boyfriend meant there was more to it. �I knew there was nothing between Ray and her but somehow, I totally believed it. So much so that I attacked her about it, even though she was drunk.�
�Hey we are just human.� Chris tried to soothe the pain Sally was feeling as she finally decided to open her scars to her.
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�That kind a makes sense specially since you are so oblivious to other people.� Sandy said as she returned back to the bathroom mirror.
�Well, I never thought she was going through so much hell you know. I mean, I moved out right after high school, I barely keep in touch with my own family, I can count my friends in one hand, and that too I hardly ever keep in touch with them. I guess it is hard to be in love with me.� Angel said somehow realizing her flaws.
�Yeah, you are hard to love.� Sandy agreed with Angel�s confession. �So, now is your mind at ease about that night?� Sandy asked as she stopped and waited for Angel to answer.
�She stood naked in front of me.� Angel remembered Sally�s body.
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�When I saw her, her eyes were so filled with guilt. I could tell that she had never forgiven herself. I couldn�t let her live with guilt when I was the one who drove her to such insanity. I had to make sure that she was not going to punish herself.� Sally said as she remembered Angel grabbing her naked body and constantly apologizing.
�We had crossed the line between love and hate; I had to make sure she could trust herself again.� Sally said and looked into Chris�s eyes for the first time after they had sat down to talk. �I owed it to her.�
�Did you two �� Chris tried to word the one question, but then paused not knowing if she wanted to know the answer.
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�No.� Angel lied as she looked at Sandy towering over her head. �It wasn�t about sex.�
Sandy peered down for few seconds assessing the legitimacy of the answer, once satisfied she leaned down and kissed her girlfriend.
�Well, as long as you can sleep at night, I am happy. Now I got to go.� Sandy said as she gave another peck on Angel�s face and got up.
�Where are you going?� Angel finally asked.
�For some drinks with my sister. Want to come?�
�No, thanks I hate that woman.� Angel said with no remorse.
�I know, good thing you hit on this sister.� Sandy said unaffected by Angel�s lack of interest in her family.
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�I have to confess something.� Chris said as she stared at the ring on her finger. �Jen was here this afternoon, and she went through your stuff, so I had already known.�
�God! I hate that woman.� Sally said as she couldn�t believe Jen had spoilt her surprise.
�You�ll love her especially since you are going to be her maid of honor.� Chris chose to advocate for her new friend.
�She hasn�t asked me.�
�She did, through me. And I answered yes for you. She also asked me to be her bridesmaid.�
�I am glad she likes you. Actually even though I never threw a whole introducing you to my family and friends, I am glad they all like you.� Sally answered as she toasted the champagne glass with her fianc�.
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(Earlier in Mrs. Riley�s attic)
The two women lied naked in the small twin bed in the corner, as Angel traced small circles on Sally�s curls that hid her core.
�Nothing has changed.� Angel said knowing that now that they had cried for their past someone had to talk about the present.
�I know.� Sally simply said as she watched Angel�s fingers. �I think Jen likes Chris.�
�That is good; I know how much that means to you.�
�So you actually told Sandy everything?�
�Yeah, it took me almost over a year of just dating her to actually bring myself to touch her. I had to tell her.� Angel said remembering the times when she would wound up Sandy to the point of explosion then left her as the violence of that night emerged in her thoughts.
�Why can�t we work it out?� Sally asked with desperation.
�We can try. We can go through the same road once again, but I am just scared that one day we�ll just end up on the same place, and if we do, I can�t go through it again.� Angel voiced the fear that was rooted in both of them.
�I love you, and I�ll always love you.�
�I love you too Sal�and always will.�
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�God you are going to leave me one day.� Sandy thought to herself as she tiptoed to remove the glasses of passed out Angel.
Almost two hundreds miles north, Chris was thinking the same thing as she watched the peaceful face of Sally in slumber.
THE END