"What?" Jim slipped his legs out of bed, almost involuntary heading for the pile of clothes. "How bad? Is anyone hurt?"
"Bad..." Her voice shook, tears streaming down her face as she knelt on the floor. "Very bad... Mr Monroe's dead, Di, Ben, Paul Riley..."
"What? No...." Jim leant up against the wall. "Ben... Di... they're just kids, damnit!"
"Sam and Kate are in a bad way... Des and Polly are in hospital too." Her voice cracked and she sobbed.
"Oh god..." He hunkered down to her and put her arm around her. "We have to go there... see what we can do to help - but only if you're up to it..." Jim's initial shock was turning to anger and his face began to glow red. "This is wrong... so wrong... it should have been..."
"They're all so young." June sobbed. "And Andrew, what about his wife and kids, and Di's little boy... this is so unfair."
"It should have been me." Jim muttered, standing and pulling on his trousers.
"No it shouldn't." June stood slowly and crossed to the wardrobe, pulling out a shirt and trousers.
"Why not - I don't have anyone to grieve for me. I don't have a family to support, or parents who love me." He pulled on his shirt, fumbling with the buttons.
"You've got me..." June muttered as she fastened her trousers.
"Not the same though, is it?" He looked over at her. "Is it?"
"Why not?"
"Look at it this way, June, those kids had all their chances ahead. I had chances, and threw them all away." He pulled on his suit jacket, tears pouring unchecked down his cheeks.
"I thought we'd just agreed on a new start... for both of us..."
"It's not the same, June, it's just not..." His body heaved in a massive sob. "I can't believe this..."
She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around him. "We've got to be strong now... I'm going to need you..."
"I'm not a strong person... things like this, things less than this and I just crumble."
"And I'm barely keeping this together." Her tears spilled out from her eyes again. "We need each other Jim."
Jim hugged her tightly. "Alright, alright. Whatever happens, I'm going to be there for you."
"I still can't believe this has happened... it hasn't sunk in yet."
"No..." Jim slipped on his shoes. "And I doubt it will until we see it for ourselves..."
***
Twenty minutes later, Jim and June pull up at a road block at the end of the road where the station is situated. Smoke and flames still billow into the air, they show their warrant cards and are let past a taped cordon.
"I don't know if I can do this Jim..." June said softly.
"We've got no choice. If they need us to help..." Jim placed his arm around her waist and they walked slowly forwards. Before them the building they knew so well burned, fire fighters directing jets of water at the upper floor, the CID balcony - or what was left of it. Jim's jaw fell. "Oh god..."
"They never stood a chance did they?" June sobbed.
"How the hell did this happen?" Jim moved away from her, walked towards the building as if something was pulling him toward it.
"Be careful Jim... it can't be safe in there."
"I..." He looked around. Chandler was in the yard, barking out orders, other officers simply stood and watched. He saw Tony a few hundred metres away, strode towards him. "Tony... are you OK?"
"It's a nightmare..." Tony shook his head. "Tell me I'm going to wake up and this is just a bad dream."
"Only if you do the same thing for me..." He looked up as June approached them. "Are they really all dead?"
"Monroe, Di, Ben and Paul are... they don't hold out much hope for Kate either... and Sam's not good."
"Jesus..." He shook his head. "What can we do to help, there must be something..."
"I really don't know... Polly and Des are in the hospital... maybe you could go down and see them, fill them in on what's going on... we can't leave here yet. Too much to do."
"Of course..." Jim looked around as Craig Gilmore approached, looking shell-shocked and covered in black soot and sweat. "We need... people at the hospital... the officers are either transporting the prisoners to Barton Street or are... well..." He gestured around at their colleagues who were shaking, sobbing.
"That's no problem... we want to help don't we Jim?" June placed a hand on Craig's shoulder. "Are you OK?"
"I..." He shrugged. "I don't know." June nodded, then gathered him into her arms and hugged him tightly. "We'll go to St Hughs... come on, Jim." June said, impatient to get away from the scene of carnage.
"Keep us informed of any further... developments." Jim sighed as June began to walk off towards the car. "Wait for me June... June..." He had to run to keep up with her, she bundled into the drivers seat and slammed the door. "June... are you alright?" He asked as he got in, placed a hand gently on her leg.
"I can't deal with this Jim."
"We've got to be strong, for the rest of them. It hurts us, yes, but we have a certain detachment, we weren't there, we... we can help."
"Remember what we were doing when our friends were dying Jim... it's not right." She started the engine and pulled out onto the road.
"We could hardly have known..."
"Yeah I know... but it just doesn't feel right anymore."
"OK..." Jim turned a little away from her, gazed out of the window.
"I'm not saying I regret what happened Jim... I'm just all over the place right now."
"I said it's OK." Jim wiped at his face.
"It's obviously not OK - look at you."
"It's just pretty obvious to me that we're going to fall apart before we even get started."
"Don't be like this Jim, please." Her eyes filled with tears and she wiped at them with the back of her hand.
"You feel guilty, I don't blame you... I feel the same way."
"We should have been there tonight Jim." She pulled the car into the pavement unable to see through her tears and turned to him. "Tell me we can get through this."
"I can't."
"Do you even want to bother?"
"Whatever happens between us, what happened tonight is always going to be in the way, isn't it?"
"I don't regret it for one minute... I just feel so guilty."
"Remember what I said, we couldn't possibly have known this was going to happen. But maybe..."
"Maybe what Jim?"
"Maybe we should forget this... for now?"
"If that's what you want." June shrugged, gulping back a sob.
"It's not what I want, but this... it's hardly conducive to starting a relationship is it? It's supposed to be the best time, the happiest... the most passionate..."
"I've never been so happy, so passionate..."
"June... I'm just warning you... I told you I can't deal with things like this. Mentally..."
"Then let me be there for you... and you can be there for me. I can't get through this on my own."
"But I *have* to be on my own."
"Fine." June bit her lip and pulled out into the traffic once more.
"June... I just need you to understand."
"That's just it... I don't understand. You say you can't deal with this but when I offer to help you push me away."
"June, this is all too new for you to be lumbered with me when I get in one of my depressions."
"After what happened last time I want to be there for you... let me help you." She pleaded.
"I don't want to lose you and I will, if..."
"You won't lose me... I promise... I need you Jim."
"I could destroy you." He glanced over to her.
"No you couldn't..."
"You don't know what it was like..."
"If you don't want me just say so."
"What?" He looked over at her.
"You heard." She muttered.
"Of course I want you, I just need you to know what you're taking on!"
"I've known you for nineteen years Jim... if these are just excuses to push me away then tell me straight."
"I just need you to know." He said quietly, turning his head away. "It's not going to be a smooth ride, whatever happens. I can't give you violins and roses, I can't promise what I'll be like from day to day..."
"I think today proved you can't plan anything."
"True... June, if you really believe you're strong enough to take me - and my illness - on... then... good. But if you feel now, or ever like you need to walk away..."
"Jim, tonight was the best night of my life... everything I've dreamed of and more... I couldn't push you away if I wanted to, you're as much a part of me as I am. I guess I'm just afraid of the future, after what happened tonight..."
"I'm always afraid of the future."
"You are my future."
He looked up, over to her as she pulled the car into a parking space outside St Hughs. "Do you mean that?"
"Have I ever lied to you?"
"I don't know, have you?" He managed to smile.
"Not that I'm aware of... well not when I was being serious anyway." She turned the engine off and turned to face him. "Do you believe me now?"
"Yes. I do. It's not going to be... easy... and you know me, I like things easy, uncomplicated..."
"Just like yourself." She placed her hand on his cheek.
"Hardly." He pulled back, looked up at the building before them. "Are you going to visit Pol?"
"Yeah... I owe it to her... come with me."
"OK." Together they left the car, walked into the bustling Accident & Emergency Department. They walked up to a harassed looking nurse. "Excuse me... could you tell me where I can find Polly Page?" June asked.
"She's been moved upstairs now... third floor."
"Thanks..." They got into the lift and stood in silence, both scared about what they might see. They stepped out, through double doors onto a long corridor, where another nurse directed them to a small private room, the door of which was slightly ajar. Just as June was about to knock, Jim looked further down the corridor. "June, there's Reg - he must be with Des."
"Come and say hi to Polly with me... I just don't know what to expect... how badly hurt she is." June reached out for his hand, squeezing it tightly as she knocked on the door and opened it.
They stepped inside, Polly was lying in large white hospital bed, half in and half out of sleep. She didn't appear to be too badly injured, her right arm hung in a sling and she had a small bruise on her forehead. "Pol..." June whispered.
Polly's eyes cracked open. "June... Jim."
"Hey... how are you?" Jim asked.
"Sore..."
"Look... I'm going to go see how Reg and Des are getting on... I'll see you a little later, OK?" He smiled down at Polly, ran his arm down June's arm and squeezed her hand once more. Then he turned and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.
"Is there something you have to tell me?" Polly said softly.
"Like what?" June asked nervously.
"Well unless this bang on my head has made me hallucinate, Jim was just holding your hand."
"I... Pol, I don't think now is the time for..."
"I know about Mr Monroe, and Di, Ben, Paul... and Kate and Sam, and Des... I've been lying here thinking about it since it happened. Take my mind off it June."
"I... you know Jim and I... went to dinner..."
"I'd forgotten, sorry... how did it go?"
"We talked... a lot... about... everything really. He was so funny, and sweet... and... everything I like about him."
"Where did he take you?"
"The Maple Rooms."
"Blimey... he must really like you. That explains the suit then."
"Yeah... you should have seen his face when he saw the prices on the menu. But... it was perfect, Pol... he was such a gentleman."
"You look so happy June."
"I shouldn't be though, should I? How can I be happy on a night like this..." Her eyes filled with tears. "I feel guilty, and ashamed."
"You can't blame yourself for what happened... you weren't to know... I take it he stayed with you..."
"Yeah... we talked some more... had some dessert... before I even really knew what was happening we were..."
"June Ackland!" Polly raised a smile.
"And now I just feel dirty." June looked away, down to the floor.
"You deserve this June... and Jim too, I saw the way he looked at you when he left."
"I just... can't get this out of my head, I told Jim it was OK, but... I can't think of making love to him again, knowing..." Tears slid from her eyes down her cheeks.
"June you can't think like this... we all need someone special, more than ever right now after what's happened. Come here... sit down." She patted the bed.
June moved over and perched on the bed.
"Look at me June..." Polly placed her good hand on June's shoulder. "Don't push Jim away now."
"I'm not the only one feeling guilty, he does too. He suggested we... forget this... for now at least... maybe he was right... I..."
"June this is me you're talking to. You don't want it to be over do you? Not really. After waiting all this time?"
"Of course I don't want it to be over... he's so precious to me..." June shook her head. "But he was right when he said the first few days, weeks of a... love affair... should be happy... not... like this."
"It could help you both you know... you need each other more than ever right now... it'll bring you so much closer together."
"I know... but... I'm resigned to doing what he wants... he... he's the weaker one of us two, you know that."
"Then he's going to need you more than ever... I wish I had someone right now." Polly shook her head.
"You've got us... you've got everyone at Sun Hill. I know it's not the same as being in love and having that special someone but please never think you're alone."
"I've thought about ending you know June... but talking to the other night, and all the other times... it really helped... and Jim too of course."
"Polly, don't you ever... ever... think about that again. You hear me?" She squeezed Polly's hand tightly.
"I won't, not now... but when the station blew up... I was in the toilets and... maybe I survived for a reason."
"You did. You have a purpose, Pol. I know you may not want to hear this, but Dave Quinnan is not worth dying for."
"I know that now... and we're all going to have to pull together to get over this... more than ever before."
"We are..." June smiled down at Polly. Then there was a slight knock at the door, and the door cracked open. It was Reg, looking pale and tired. "June... can I have a word?"
"Yeah sure Reg." June squeezed Polly's hand. "I won't be long..." She got up off the bed and headed towards the door, closing it behind her.
"June... look, Des is out for the count but Jim wanted to see Sam, he's in the ICU. We went up there, and... well, Jim just went all pale and dashed for the bogs. He's in there throwing his guts up now."
"Oh the poor thing. Take me to him... get him to come out and see me, I can't really go dashing in there can I?" June looked concerned. "How's Des anyway? And Sam?"
"They think Des'll be alright, just concussion. Sam though..." He shook his head. "Touch and go." He placed his hand on June's back and guided her towards the mens toilets. "Give me a minute."
June shook her head. "Thanks Reg... then can you maybe go and see Polly if Des is still asleep. I don't like the idea of her being on her own."
"Yeah, I can do that." Reg disappeared, then returned. "He can't come out. But there's no-one else in there..."
"I hope no-one catches me." June sighed, slowly pushing open the door and walking into the toilets. "Jim... are you OK?" She asked softly.
"I... not entirely..." The lock of a cubicle door slid open and Jim emerged. "All that food gone... money literally down the toilet..." He muttered as he walked slowly over to the sinks.
"Don't go worrying about that... you're so pale." She walked over to him and ran her hand down his arm. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what? What difference is talking going to make? Hearing the news, that was one thing. Seeing the fire - that was another. But seeing Sam, with all those tubes and wires... and..."
"We can't pretend it hasn't happened Jim... this isn't going to go away. We have to deal with it."
"I CAN'T!" Jim punched at the wall. "I just want to know WHY!"
"There isn't always a reason for things happening..."
"Then why do we even bother?" He looked at her, his _expression helpless.
"I don't know... I can't answer that." She looked up at him and held out her arms. "Come here..."
"We're fighting a war that can never be won." Jim turned away from her.
"Don't push me away Jim... I need you."
"Don't tell me you don't feel the same. Don't tell me you think what we do has a purpose, because it doesn't."
"Ninety per cent of the time it does... we can't stop everything happening Jim. Please don't be like this." Her voice cracked. "Look at me."
Jim looked down, shook his head.
"You can't even bear to look at me..."
Jim sighed a huge heavy sigh then slowly turned around, looking up at her through dark, narrow eyes.
"We couldn't have known this was going to happen... and I feel as bad as you about what has gone on..."
"You keep saying we have to be strong, we have to get through this, deal with it. I keep telling myself that... but June, I can hardly take care of myself, I can't help all these grieving people... I know that sounds selfish but it's how I am."
"Then let me be there for you... take time off work... you *will* get over this Jim... it's not going to be easy... far from it... but everyone at Sun Hill is going to need each other..."
"I can't take time off." Jim shook his head. "We're all going to have to work ten times as hard. There isn't going to be any time for... anything else."
"So we're over then..." June looked away as tears streamed down her face.
"Did I say that?" Jim snapped.
"That's what it sounded like."
"This is just it, June, we're in an anything or nothing situation. Either we stay together and have it all, or we split up and you hate me and we have nothing."
"I need you more than ever..." June sobbed. "Don't leave me now."
"We need to concentrate on them..." He gestured to the door. "Not us."
"What about outside of work... I can't go home to an empty house..."
"June... we'll be worked off our feet, we'll be tired, grieving and frustrated." He moved his gaze away from her, concentrating on the wall behind her head.
"You said we either have all or nothing... I tell you I want it all... and you just push me away, tell me it's not possible." She paused and gulped. "If you don't want me just say it... don't build my hopes up."
"June can't you see this is the way it has to be?! We can't be right, we can't be ourselves, not while all this is going on! You say we can be there for each other, but it's not going to be like that, we're going to be upset and frightened and that's how arguments begin. And I don't WANT to argue with you."
"So why give me the choice then?"
"If you say you want it all, if you believe we can be fine, we can get through this together then I'm willing to try." He shrugged. "But you have to face the reality that if this all goes wrong we lose everything we've built up between us in the last 19 years. I don't want to risk that - do you?"
"You're worth the risk... and I know we can get through this... together... Doesn't last night mean anything to you?"
"It meant everything. But that was then... and this is now. Reality has changed. The future has changed inexplicably. We have to adjust to that."
"But what I said in the car earlier hasn't changed, you're still my future Jim." She buried her face in her hands.
"I don't want to lose you..." He placed his hand on her arm.
"Hasn't this whole thing made you see how precious life is?"
"It's made me realise how precious you are. And how I can't face my life without you."
June looked up at him slowly. "Maybe we survived for a reason... it could be a sign that we are meant to be."
"Then..." Jim pulled in a breath and swallowed. "That's why we... that's why *I* can't take the risk of being with you right now."
"Stop doing this to me Jim." June sobbed. "Are you trying to destroy me?"
"June, what do I have to do to make you understand! I said I can't be with you right now, I didn't say NEVER!"
She looked up at him with huge damp eyes. "Just hold me Jim..."
He raised his hands. "I can't."
The colour drained from her face. "Not even as a friend?"
"Do you remember what we said earlier? No going back."
"You can't keep doing this... telling me you want me... then pushing me away."
"I'm doing this because I want you. June... we should just take some time, get through this, help our colleagues, grieve the way we need to grieve, get back to something resembling normality. And then... we can start anew. If you still want me, that is."
"I don't want to be on my own... I can't be on my own... if I can't have you as a lover right now then please be a friend to me." She looked at him with pleading eyes.
"I will... just... don't expect anything more. Not for... a few weeks at least. As much as I want to hold you, kiss you and make love to you right now... there are more important things we need to deal with."
"I can't even have a hug?"
"Just tell me you understand." He lifted her chin up so their eyes met.
"I understand... but I still need you as much as ever."
"If this is meant to be... then this time won't matter. If it isn't then this time might show us that."
June nodded. "But will you stay with me... as a friend... I know you don't want to be on your own right now... and I know I don't want to either."
"As a friend, and as a colleague." Jim nodded. "The way we were, just with the anticipation, the knowledge that... we've got something waiting for us as soon as we're ready to reach for it."
"Ready when you are. I just can't face an empty house right now... too much time to think."
"And I can't face an empty flat, but..." He moved a step away. "I'm sorry, June."
"Please Jim..."
"No. I'm sorry." He moved away, opening the door.
"Jim..." June sobbed. "Don't leave me..."
He turned back to her. "You'll see I'm right. You might not feel it now but you will see I'm right. I'm doing this to save us, June."
"You're destroying me in the meantime."
"Are you..." He looked down, his body beginning to quiver. "Are you even listening to what I'm saying? Are you even taking into consideration MY feelings?! If we're going to be in a relationship, a partnership, then we have to be able to talk about things, agree on things. Not..." He stopped, clamped a hand to his forehead.
"I want to be with you so I can help you through this Jim... listen to me... I'm scared you might do something..."
"What? What do you think I'm going to do?"
"I'm just worried about you that's all." June said quietly.
"I'm alright. June... if you love me, you'll do this. You'll wait for me. You'll let me get through this my way, you let me take my anger and pain and frustration out on myself, not you."
"It's not healthy Jim... but if that's what it takes. Promise me something though."
"What?" He scrunched up his face, looking down, then back up. "What."
"That you'll still treat me as your best friend... that you'll talk to me, tell me your problems... won't bottle things up. I'm here for you always."
"I will. Just don't let me bring you down."
"You could never bring me down."
"I love you, June." He smiled wanly. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"I love you..." She watched as he turned to leave. "Call me if you need me."
"I... I'll see you tomorrow." With that he stepped from the room and was gone.
................. on to Part Eight
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